Author shvrk Posted April 4, 2015 Author Posted April 4, 2015 I'm sorry about your father's passing And yes, it is ideal....if it works out. That's the part that is a gamble. It's hard to predict if it will work out. When it does, it is a wonderful blessing! [bT]he trick to it working out is gratitude. Never take each other for granted. [/b]Both people need to remember to appreciate and protect this great love. It's human nature to grow complacent and long for excitement elsewhere. And the catch is that you can only control your own gratitude, and are at the mercy of your partner to have the character to hold up their end. Thank you for the advice!
edgygirl Posted April 4, 2015 Posted April 4, 2015 (edited) In my sister's case: she was incredibly mature for her age. Instead of going for what other girls that age go for - hot or popular guys, someone with exactly the same interests and all this shallow stuff that doesn't a relationship make, she went for a guy she felt was intelligent, stable, reliable and would be there for her no matter what. She was right, their marriage is the most solid one I've ever seen. That doesn't mean she wasn't attracted to him or enjoyed his company - it's just that her priorities were on his character more than superficial stuff. I on the other hand spent the last 10-15 years looking for someone who seemed like a "soul mate"... in interests, in paper, etc... it took me all this time to see I was considering the superficial stuff. And I think most 20-something girls do the same, I see it here all the time - someone just posted today a thread on what her deal breakers are "nice face, no smoking"... ah! If I could just infuse some sense into younger women... we're all mostly naive when young. Hence everyone telling you those things. Most of us changed a lot since we were 20. But when we're 20 we kinda think we already have everything figured out and know it all and that not much will change. Ah. Wait and see, it probably will. What exactly would you say is knowing what you want? Out of life or in a man? What would be an unhealthy want? (Silly question, but I've got older/more experienced posters in here, I wanna know whats up!) Edited April 4, 2015 by edgygirl 1
Author shvrk Posted April 4, 2015 Author Posted April 4, 2015 In my sister's case: she was incredibly mature for her age. Instead of going for what other girls that age go for - hot or popular guys, someone with exactly the same interests and all this shallow stuff that doesn't a relationship make, she went for a guy she felt was intelligent, stable, reliable and would be there for her no matter what. She was right, their marriage is the most solid one I've ever seen. That doesn't mean she wasn't attracted to him or enjoyed his company - it's just that her priorities were on his character more than superficial stuff. I on the other hand spent the last 10-15 years looking for someone who seemed like a "soul mate"... in interests, in paper, etc... it took me all this time to see I was considering the superficial stuff. And I think most 20-something girls do the same, I see it here all the time - someone just posted today a thread on what her deal breakers are "nice face, no smoking"... ah! If I could just infuse some sense into younger women... we're all mostly naive when young. Hence everyone telling you those things. Most of us changed a lot since we were 20. But when we're 20 we kinda think we already have everything figured out and know it all and that not much will change. Ah. Wait and see, it probably will. Is that all it is? I think all I wanted at first was to be treated right, appreciated, and accepted along with the man having similar views on life... & thats what I got. We've got tons of differences but it works, he's like my best friend
Author shvrk Posted April 4, 2015 Author Posted April 4, 2015 In my sister's case: she was incredibly mature for her age. Instead of going for what other girls that age go for - hot or popular guys, someone with exactly the same interests and all this shallow stuff that doesn't a relationship make, she went for a guy she felt was intelligent, stable, reliable and would be there for her no matter what. She was right, their marriage is the most solid one I've ever seen. That doesn't mean she wasn't attracted to him or enjoyed his company - it's just that her priorities were on his character more than superficial stuff. I on the other hand spent the last 10-15 years looking for someone who seemed like a "soul mate"... in interests, in paper, etc... it took me all this time to see I was considering the superficial stuff. And I think most 20-something girls do the same, I see it here all the time - someone just posted today a thread on what her deal breakers are "nice face, no smoking"... ah! If I could just infuse some sense into younger women... we're all mostly naive when young. Hence everyone telling you those things. Most of us changed a lot since we were 20. But when we're 20 we kinda think we already have everything figured out and know it all and that not much will change. Ah. Wait and see, it probably will. Where would the financial aspect come in? I see people talk about that occasionally on here, and I thought It was an older thing... maybe for when marriage and kids are in the picture or future?
preraph Posted April 4, 2015 Posted April 4, 2015 So would you feel that I'd be the one to change and leave the relationship because of my youth? He's accepted the fact that I have room to grow, but likes where I'm going. He encourages me to do what makes me happy and be the person I want to be. But In say, 2 years, would you think I've been completely changed in a way where I would leave? Or would I be relatively the same? Oh how I wish you guys knew me more personally... Eventually, you will want freedom to explore more. He'll be ready to settle down and have kids around 30 and you'll be at an age you shouldn't be tied down like that. I would just say if you're both that much in love, see if you can come to an agreement that you do not have children until you yourself are 30. That way, you can really enjoy your marriage as a couple first. And if you do grow apart in that time, you won't be anchored to kids when you feel you'd like to be out dating and looking for the next man. Once you have kids, your role is mother 24/7. Your time is no longer your own. Your former interests all have to be set aside for the first several years. Usually the man is able to keep going as usual for the most part, keep his interests going, and that can really cause people to grow apart as well. Marriage is hard work. Marriage and family is nonstop hard work and putting yourself last most of the time. What you're doing now is fun and exciting. So just don't get in any hurry to stop having fun. 2
elaine567 Posted April 4, 2015 Posted April 4, 2015 So would you feel that I'd be the one to change and leave the relationship because of my youth? He's accepted the fact that I have room to grow, but likes where I'm going. He encourages me to do what makes me happy and be the person I want to be. But In say, 2 years, would you think I've been completely changed in a way where I would leave? Or would I be relatively the same? Oh how I wish you guys knew me more personally... Thing is at 26 I guess he is starting to look for a wife and kids. So at 28-32 he will want to have kids BUT at only 22-26 and in education, that is too young for you to have kids IMO. Educated women want kids in their early 30s, after they have had a chance to end their education, get proper good jobs, get their promotions and set themselves up a bit. But in 10-15 years time he will be 36-41, will he want to wait that long or will you give in, have the kids and basically give up on that career/business you had planned? BTW has he cut down on the drinking you mentioned previously and got himself in gear?
markleymassraff Posted April 4, 2015 Posted April 4, 2015 I was in that thread recently where someone age 19 lamented being single and everyone said "oh don't worry about it." I agreed, but only in the sense that it's much more depressing to be 30, 35, or 40 and single than 19 and single, if only because by 30, 35, 40, one would have expected goods things to have happened already, but at 19, it's totally reasonable that nothing good (relationship-wise) has happened YET. But I agree with you that people shouldn't be so condescending about the idea of people in relationships at 18, 19. People get into serious relationships at that age all the time, and they're not always or even usually so lame and ridiculous. There's no blanket desire, between ages 18 and 24, to "party and not get serious." Different people are different. At those ages, I wanted a serious relationship. And there are people who are 30-35 who want to party. I'm pretty much in love with some guy now who was married from ages 18 to 30, and now he's 31 and wants to party. So...I think people should take it seriously when young people want a relationship. We're all different and have different desires at different ages.
Woggle Posted April 4, 2015 Posted April 4, 2015 There are exceptions and I wish you well but for the most part at least marriage is a bad idea. Nothing wrong with being in an exclusive relationship but sooner or later most people have a what if moment and they want to get it out of their system. It was different back in the day when being wild wasn't encouraged but these days it is a whole new ball game. One day you might be 30 and watching young people be wild and crazy and then GIGS kicks in with a vengeance.
xxoo Posted April 4, 2015 Posted April 4, 2015 Your relationship should feel quite stable and peaceful when you decide to marry. If it is more of a source of excitement and stress than peace and "home", give it time and wait to see if those "home" feelings develop. There is no rush to marry, and even less rush to have children. Give it time and see if this relationship is worth the investment. Often, a rush to commit camouflages a desperation to hold onto something that is not stable enough to last. 1
Mrlonelyone Posted April 4, 2015 Posted April 4, 2015 Your relationship should feel quite stable and peaceful when you decide to marry. If it is more of a source of excitement and stress than peace and "home", give it time and wait to see if those "home" feelings develop. There is no rush to marry, and even less rush to have children. Give it time and see if this relationship is worth the investment. Often, a rush to commit camouflages a desperation to hold onto something that is not stable enough to last. This is the most correct thing here. Relationships that are ready for marriage where it can even be considered start to feel more like home. Do you feel at peace with them, and at ease with them in an effortless way? I have seen this in my parents and aunts and uncles and older friends marriages. I have seen it in the good relationships and good marriages of my younger friends. They feel at peace in their relationships in a way that They don't get there right away. It takes time for that to develop, a year or two or more. That said, the statistics are what they are. In a thread I created just to state this for the record and discuss it... only 1/4 of marriages started under 25 will make it long term. That is not saying the OP can't just that most won't.
Penguin_hugs Posted April 4, 2015 Posted April 4, 2015 I'd say you are on the right track- just continue not to rush things I don't believe it's unrealistic- it completely depends on the individual! I don't think you can say that at a set age one person is completely thinking of marriage etc. I'm in a similar situation myself- I've just turned 22 and my BF is 27. But I wouldn't say we act our typical ages at all. I've nearly finished uni and have another year of placement after that- so I am not in any situation to suddenly get married- but I can see it happening with my BF one day! Everyone says that I have a mature head on my shoulders and most people mistake my actual age a lot My BF has just got a PhD, so he's been an eternal student until now so he's not at the stage of wanting to marry yet! But we both talk about the future etc. We've been together 18 months, 9 of those LDR, and it will be another 18months before I can move in with him. Then another few years before we even consider marriage. Being in a serious relationship doesn't mean you want to just jump in and get married
Author shvrk Posted April 4, 2015 Author Posted April 4, 2015 Thing is at 26 I guess he is starting to look for a wife and kids. So at 28-32 he will want to have kids BUT at only 22-26 and in education, that is too young for you to have kids IMO. Educated women want kids in their early 30s, after they have had a chance to end their education, get proper good jobs, get their promotions and set themselves up a bit. But in 10-15 years time he will be 36-41, will he want to wait that long or will you give in, have the kids and basically give up on that career/business you had planned? BTW has he cut down on the drinking you mentioned previously and got himself in gear? I see. About the drinking, yeah he has cut down which has helped his current business idea make more progress than before. He drinks on the weekends and doesn't really get drunk. he'll drink like a 24 oz and we'll just be hanging out.
Author shvrk Posted April 4, 2015 Author Posted April 4, 2015 This is the most correct thing here. Relationships that are ready for marriage where it can even be considered start to feel more like home. Do you feel at peace with them, and at ease with them in an effortless way? I have seen this in my parents and aunts and uncles and older friends marriages. I have seen it in the good relationships and good marriages of my younger friends. They feel at peace in their relationships in a way that They don't get there right away. It takes time for that to develop, a year or two or more. That said, the statistics are what they are. In a thread I created just to state this for the record and discuss it... only 1/4 of marriages started under 25 will make it long term. That is not saying the OP can't just that most won't. I definitely feel that way. We laugh and cry together. I've been enjoying our time together a lot. I could for sure we've reached a home and peace feel.
Mrlonelyone Posted April 4, 2015 Posted April 4, 2015 I definitely feel that way. We laugh and cry together. I've been enjoying our time together a lot. I could for sure we've reached a home and peace feel. I say that at that point you have to change the way you think about the person. You feel at home, you feel at peace, you feel like family with this person (not in a nasty way) then that is a good thing. If he is 26 ish he's feeling like he wants to be a married person. One strategy is to get engaged and be engaged for a year or two take your time planning the wedding. If there is going to be a problem or an issue then that can bring it out. The only caution I would give anyone is never marry someone unless you have seen them in a super stressful situation. See how they handle it. 2
Erised Posted April 5, 2015 Posted April 5, 2015 I married young We didn't survive the growing process. The sad thing is who I grew into is actually a good fit for who he grew into, though there's too much in our past to ever want to be together again. It was tumultuous. We are good friends now but not in love, and never will be again. He is certainly not a bad person and I don't regret our time together. In some ways it was catalyst for some of the growth to who I am today. That doesn't mean it happens to everyone, and that you can't grow together. It certainly happens! It's simply the reason why people are so reticent about the younger commitments. Everyone with any degree of self insight and intellect grows immensely between 17 and 30, with 17 to 25 having the fastest changes. Being mature at 20 does not mean you will not change. This is not a death knell for a relationship you are committed to, however. Not all youthful commitments fail. 1
Els Posted April 5, 2015 Posted April 5, 2015 I don't think that it's 'unrealistic' to be in a serious relationship at 20, just unusual. If that is what works for you, then do that. Even if your R doesn't work out in the end, you would have learnt and grown from it because you put effort into it and tried, rather than just doing what strangers arbitrarily think you should have done. 1
Erised Posted April 5, 2015 Posted April 5, 2015 Once you have kids, your role is mother 24/7. Your time is no longer your own. Your former interests all have to be set aside for the first several years. By and by, this isn't true, nor is it healthy. I'm an outdoors and fitness enthusiast. My hobbies certainly did not go away with my son even when he was young. I also continued reading. I'm not sure what interests you could not balance with motherhood. This is not suggesting anyone rush children, or have children before they are ready, but this conception of them as little parasites robbing your individuality is untrue and disturbing. Some mothers do that, but that is a choice they make. and not a particularly good one for themselves or their child.
Els Posted April 5, 2015 Posted April 5, 2015 By and by, this isn't true, nor is it healthy. I'm an outdoors and fitness enthusiast. My hobbies certainly did not go away with my son even when he was young. I also continued reading. I'm not sure what interests you could not balance with motherhood. This is not suggesting anyone rush children, or have children before they are ready, but this conception of them as little parasites robbing your individuality is untrue and disturbing. Some mothers do that, but that is a choice they make. and not a particularly good one for themselves or their child. From what I've seen, what preraph described is a necessary (albeit temporary) choice for the majority of women who have to work full-time while raising a child and don't have the money to hire help. There are only so many hours in a day. If you don't have to work full-time, or can hire a nanny/au pair and a regular cleaner, then I can see being able to devote a couple hours a day to your hobbies even after having kids. Otherwise it seems to be logistically impossible. 1
sweetjasmine Posted April 5, 2015 Posted April 5, 2015 It all depends on the people involved. I've always been the boring, serious, responsible type and met my husband when I was 21 and he was 26. We dated for several years before we got married. While we've both grown and changed, I'd actually say he changed more than I did. It gets annoying to hear people be negative and say things like "you'll get bored and stray, guaranteed!" when they don't even know you, but it's still true that most people in their early 20s won't be in long-term serious relationships and won't be married to that same person 40 years down the line. At the end of the day, it doesn't matter what people think. Better to just focus on the health of your relationship. If it turns out you want to get married, great, there's no rush. If it turns out you don't, great, you've learned a lot about being in a serious relationship, and that'll pay off when you meet someone who's right for you. 3
Bobbi7 Posted April 5, 2015 Posted April 5, 2015 I don't think its unrealistic. Like others have said, some are lucky to meet their life long partner early. My friend from high school married her husband when she was 20 and they are still happily married. Its common that people date in college and get married. 20's is the age to take advantage of dating, I think its easier to meet people. Because when 30 hits, everyone is taken, have kids, divorced...its just tough.
LookAtThisPOst Posted April 5, 2015 Posted April 5, 2015 (edited) Where I live there's people that are so serious about marrying their high school sweet heart, some before the legal drinking age. Pretty sad. Not sure why when in the next 4 years, there's tons of singles to get to know and explore options at the university. Statistically the younger people marry, the more likely they'll wind up divorcing as there will always be one of them that will regret having not spend at least a few years of their post-high school life single... You see...what happens is the smarter people who remained single well into their mid 20's, the married ones start to have their regrets as they see their friends out enjoying their freedoms...they yearn for that during the course of their marriage, because they are 20 years old and have to stay home on a Sat night. Some regret not having sewed their oats first, experience going out with other singles, etc. Edited April 5, 2015 by LookAtThisPOst
SincereOnlineGuy Posted April 6, 2015 Posted April 6, 2015 Now, i know what you'll all say, too young, too naive, don't know what out there etc... But i think I'm going to be with my boyfriend very long term. We've been together for 8 months and we have plans for the future and talk of moving in & marriage and even working as business partners in the future. (I'm in school for business admin) he's twenty-six and says he wants to spend his life w me. Our biggest fight was when something i posted in another thread, and thats been resolved and worked on so well it's great. He shows me that he genuinely wants to be w me and loves me. We even have a dog. I've dated, slept with and met my fair share of guys in the past, but i absolutely love and adore this man. I've been through spiritual growths and have had many revelations that tend to separate myself from a lot of people my age, and my friends my age (2 of them) think I'm "wise" but all I'm using is my common sense. I'm in school school, and doing well also. Sometimes when i look at the threads and see how younger people are viewed as far as a relationship going, i become a little confused because how i feel seems so solid. And i know i may be you but i feel as if i know what i want and what i don't. Well, on the bright side, you've got the "Half his own age plus seven years" thing working for you as a couple, for the time being. *that being the winning formula in the long-ago asked question: "What is your ideal age in a mate?" (as offered to men in the early 1990's)
fitnessfan365 Posted April 6, 2015 Posted April 6, 2015 For women it isn't. They emotionally mature much faster. So you can have a woman that is 19-22 that is fully serious about romance and a future. But the reason why it's unrealistic, is because men that age are typically looking to get laid and play the field. They haven't had enough life experience yet to sow their oats and find what they ultimately want. Then the guys who are relationship focused at that age, tend to be really "nice", try too hard, and come on overly needy. Since they're so focused on being a "boyfriend" so early on, it kills the attraction. I suppose anything is possible though. Maybe a guy that young could be both sexually assertive/confident and boyfriend material. But it's definitely rare. It's much more common to find that in older men once they're more settled.
Author shvrk Posted April 6, 2015 Author Posted April 6, 2015 Well, on the bright side, you've got the "Half his own age plus seven years" thing working for you as a couple, for the time being. *that being the winning formula in the long-ago asked question: "What is your ideal age in a mate?" (as offered to men in the early 1990's) I don't think it's that much of an age difference. Or such a big deal anyway
Author shvrk Posted April 6, 2015 Author Posted April 6, 2015 For women it isn't. They emotionally mature much faster. So you can have a woman that is 19-22 that is fully serious about romance and a future. But the reason why it's unrealistic, is because men that age are typically looking to get laid and play the field. They haven't had enough life experience yet to sow their oats and find what they ultimately want. Then the guys who are relationship focused at that age, tend to be really "nice", try too hard, and come on overly needy. Since they're so focused on being a "boyfriend" so early on, it kills the attraction. I suppose anything is possible though. Maybe a guy that young could be both sexually assertive/confident and boyfriend material. But it's definitely rare. It's much more common to find that in older men once they're more settled. I see. You're right. I couldn't see myself dating someone my age right now, just because of The games and possible not needed drama.
Recommended Posts