Author caregiver218 Posted April 6, 2015 Author Posted April 6, 2015 It is often true that men/women will pull away if they start getting close to a dating partner. However, you've also said that it's been three months and "I am a caregiver and will help out anyone even before myself". Overgiving, especially early in a dating scenario and especially since this man has difficulty with anxiety, will also push them away. Being "overly" supportive can cause issues as well. In other words, you may be trying to manage his depression and anxiety issues for him. If he has these issues and they are presenting themselves, you would need to simply say "I am sorry you are feeling this way." What can I do to help? Sometimes people will start offering ideas for what to do or dong things that THEY THINK will help. Let them manage them for themselves. Don't offer solutions or try to do things for them, etc. And, yes, you must give him space. Do not contact him first. If he contacts you, respond in kind and keep it light. Don't mention the relationship and be supportive if he goes into it. Don't express anger (although you may have some) and don't ask why you haven't heard from him. Let him come to you -- if he's going to. Spending as much time as you apparently have been at this stage may be causing him to feel "smothered" as well which will up the anxiety. Giving him the space, though, is actually about you and managing your emotions and getting centered again. This is not really about "getting him back", it could happen and if it is going to, this is the best way to handle it. Thank you and I agree! I did that as well....and it only upset him because I didn't "care" about him. It was like a (pardon the expression) damned if I do, damned if I don't deal with him. I never could do anything right. It is some issue with him....and I know I can not help him out of it. 1
Author caregiver218 Posted April 6, 2015 Author Posted April 6, 2015 It has been 6 days since the blow up. The day after, I sent 3 text messages (one of which was a work document) and 1 phone call (unanswered) The next day, I did no contact. Day 3, I sent a funny picture (to lift his spirits) and received a short reply. No contact since. So I think that has been pretty good for a couple that went from calling and seeing each other every day and the occasional text messages. He did, just as I was typing...send a text that said.... "Hey hope u had a good Easter Would you like your stuff back?" I was going to give him until Wednesday to hear from him...if I hadn't by Wednesday, I was going to call to get my stuff that is at his house. I will call him and set up a time to get my items I have there and walk away with my head held high, as I know he is not what I need nor want in my life! 1
katiegrl Posted April 6, 2015 Posted April 6, 2015 Tough love? Did this happen to you and YOU ignored what others said, so you assume all others will do the same?? Assumptions are a cause for so many issues in every area of ones life. You must have learned that at this stage in your life. You do not know me....you do not know my strengths and values. Although I am a tender and kindhearted female, I know my worth, my wants, my values. I am a business professional with a huge staff. Although I may appear small and weak, I am strong. I am direct and stearn when needed. It isn't a bad trait to have that I chose to live my life with a positive and more peaceful outlook....UNTIL it is needed to be more stearn. I remember doubters saying that I was too kind and positive to make it in the cut-throat business....but I am now seen as a strong and confident female in a male business. I lead my personal life the same. It hasn't even been 3 months with this guy...and I have done well. I have spoken to him previously about things I didn't like or want. I have "called him out" on things that were (in my eyes) inappropriate behavior for any man in my life. Should I have walked away from him the first time he shown me this side of him...maybe.....but do you know how many times I have been grateful that someone stayed by my side and gave me a chance (whether in personal areas or career areas). What if they hadn't given me another chance. It is NOT bad to see good and give people a chance. I am blessed with strong convictions. I can see if I were the type that was afraid to not find a man or insecure or whatever some women go thru that make them stay in a bad relationship. Thankfully.....I am not one of those women. Actually, yes I have been in toxic situations and ignored advice to leave.. I did eventually leave, but only when *I* was ready! I think that is fairly common. Human nature. That said, I am happy to hear you have made the decision to leave. And that the posts here helped you come to that decision. Having been on this board awhile, I have learned that often times people DON'T listen to the advice here and proceed forward... which is OKAY, because as I said, one has to be emotionally *ready* to leave in their own time for it to stick. Anyway, again, glad you realized how toxic this is sooner rather than later. Smart woman! Good luck going forward! 1
GemmaUK Posted April 6, 2015 Posted April 6, 2015 Hey CG! Good news! I know it'll still be raw but you're doing the right thing. If there is anyone you can take with you when you pick up your stuff I would get them to come along. Just and even only so that he won't say anything more to you. Until you are totally non- contact for a period of time you might feel strong enough to just walk away but beware of giving in to any nastiness or any charm. Good luck! x
Author caregiver218 Posted April 6, 2015 Author Posted April 6, 2015 (edited) It has been 6 days since the blow up. The day after, I sent 3 text messages (one of which was a work document) and 1 phone call (unanswered) The next day, I did no contact. Day 3, I sent a funny picture (to lift his spirits) and received a short reply. No contact since. So I think that has been pretty good for a couple that went from calling and seeing each other every day and the occasional text messages. He did, just as I was typing...send a text that said.... "Hey hope u had a good Easter Would you like your stuff back?" I was going to give him until Wednesday to hear from him...if I hadn't by Wednesday, I was going to call to get my stuff that is at his house. I will call him and set up a time to get my items I have there and walk away with my head held high, as I know he is not what I need nor want in my life! Well, just as expected...that phone call was very hurtful and upsetting. He said I only called to tear him down and bitch...which I only called to set up a time and run thru the list of stuff I had there that I needed to get. He turned everything around on me....EVERYTHING!!! I mean....EVERYTHING!! My phone was always an issue with him....and so I made sure I was never on it unless I got a call from family or my kids or it was work related. So when I told him that he was always on his, he said it was work only...! (yeah right). Said a lot of hurtful things and got really defensive when I said I have spoken to and researched some relationship issues. I brought up NPD and he said that wasn't him....that was clearly ME!!! And I told him to please don't say that I was just another crazy ex because he knows better. And when I didn't fight back, he suddenly had no time today to meet to get my stuff (which he sent the text about getting it today)....and when I gave him the list of stuff I needed to get....he said that I was a petty bitch for wanting the stuff back that I bought. There were no gifts bought for him...he never bought anything for me....so everything there is stuff that I brought from my house or bought for us to use while I was there (that he didn't have that I used). Ugh....so upsetting! This has been a learning life experience that I hope I am never a part of again. Edited April 6, 2015 by caregiver218
Author caregiver218 Posted April 6, 2015 Author Posted April 6, 2015 Hey CG! Good news! I know it'll still be raw but you're doing the right thing. If there is anyone you can take with you when you pick up your stuff I would get them to come along. Just and even only so that he won't say anything more to you. Until you are totally non- contact for a period of time you might feel strong enough to just walk away but beware of giving in to any nastiness or any charm. Good luck! x I can have my father go with me.....but I am okay with going by myself. His sister will hopefully be there and she has asked me twice why I stick around when he is like he is. It is actually easy to walk away...hurtful how he is...but not even 3 months with a person and they are this way....image what another 3 months would be like...image what a lifetime would be like! NO THANK YOU!!! I know I upset him on the phone....by being too nice and not fighting back, he hung up on me. So I sent a text that asked him to please contact me today regarding picking up my items (listed the items of importance) and said that if he was too busy, I would gladly bag up my items and show him so he knew I wasn't taking anything of his and I would just need help with a heavy item. Told him the week was busy (several birthdays, work conference, etc) and he said then the stuff can wait until later...which I said no....it would be best to get it all and be done with it. (((as I didn't want him to have time to regret how bad he had been on the phone, etc))) I think I am doing all the right things...I just want my belongings back and no contact.
Redhead14 Posted April 6, 2015 Posted April 6, 2015 Well, just as expected...that phone call was very hurtful and upsetting. He said I only called to tear him down and bitch...which I only called to set up a time and run thru the list of stuff I had there that I needed to get. He turned everything around on me....EVERYTHING!!! I mean....EVERYTHING!! My phone was always an issue with him....and so I made sure I was never on it unless I got a call from family or my kids or it was work related. So when I told him that he was always on his, he said it was work only...! (yeah right). Said a lot of hurtful things and got really defensive when I said I have spoken to and researched some relationship issues. I brought up NPD and he said that wasn't him....that was clearly ME!!! And I told him to please don't say that I was just another crazy ex because he knows better. And when I didn't fight back, he suddenly had no time today to meet to get my stuff (which he sent the text about getting it today)....and when I gave him the list of stuff I needed to get....he said that I was a petty bitch for wanting the stuff back that I bought. There were no gifts bought for him...he never bought anything for me....so everything there is stuff that I brought from my house or bought for us to use while I was there (that he didn't have that I used). Ugh....so upsetting! This has been a learning life experience that I hope I am never a part of again. I know this is difficult, but you should never tell anyone you've researched for a diagnosis or suspect anything about anyone's "issues", especially if you still need to communicate with or seem them for any reason. And this is especially true if you even suspect that they are narcissistic. Narcissists can be vengeful and they do it in a way that makes them appear "innocent". It is my advice that you pick up your things and have someone with you. In fact, I insist upon it. Not that he will become physical with you, but you want someone else to know what's going on here.
Author caregiver218 Posted April 6, 2015 Author Posted April 6, 2015 (edited) I know this is difficult, but you should never tell anyone you've researched for a diagnosis or suspect anything about anyone's "issues", especially if you still need to communicate with or seem them for any reason. And this is especially true if you even suspect that they are narcissistic. Narcissists can be vengeful and they do it in a way that makes them appear "innocent". It is my advice that you pick up your things and have someone with you. In fact, I insist upon it. Not that he will become physical with you, but you want someone else to know what's going on here. I see that now!! And he has always been spiteful and hurtful....and even before I mentioned that...he had already started to become hateful and hurtful! It is a horrible learning process.....It will pass and this will all soon be behind me. I lead a busy life and have a wonderful group of friends and family...and I think that is what makes it a lot easier (if it is ever really "easy"). Hurtful words seem to find a way to replay themselves too...... Edited April 6, 2015 by caregiver218
Author caregiver218 Posted April 6, 2015 Author Posted April 6, 2015 Over the weekend (busy weekend).... I bought the book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" and had to order "Toads and the women who love them". I am excited to read these books...and have a business trip in a few days, where I will be in a hotel for a solid week...perfect time for reading!
katiegrl Posted April 6, 2015 Posted April 6, 2015 Over the weekend (busy weekend).... I bought the book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" and had to order "Toads and the women who love them". I am excited to read these books...and have a business trip in a few days, where I will be in a hotel for a solid week...perfect time for reading! cg.." Mars and Venus on a Date" is also really good. It discusses the different stages of a developing relationship... Men are from Mars...is geared more towards couples who are married or already in an exclusive committed relationship. "Toads" and the Women who Love Them?? Haha, definitely a more appropriate name than the current one! Great book though...extremely enlightening!
Author caregiver218 Posted April 6, 2015 Author Posted April 6, 2015 cg.." Mars and Venus on a Date" is also really good. It discusses the different stages of a developing relationship... Men are from Mars...is geared more towards couples who are married or already in an exclusive committed relationship. "Toads" and the Women who Love Them?? Haha, definitely a more appropriate name than the current one! Great book though...extremely enlightening! I couldn't think of the exact name!! haha:p The clerk at the book store said there were a series of books, but they didn't have any....I will look up Mars and Venus on a Date, on Amazon and see if I can find it. Any other good, helpful, enlightening reads? Always interested in doing and being better and handling difficult situations better.
Author caregiver218 Posted April 6, 2015 Author Posted April 6, 2015 Question...since I have never dealt with nonsense like this before. I received a text saying that now today is not a good day for me to get my stuff. But to rest assured, it will all be safe until I can get it. On the phone call earlier, he mentioned today and I said that worked perfect because I had a horribly busy week ahead of me and would be out of town the weekend and all next week. He works from his home or a coffee house and is his own boss. I told him that if he doesn't have time to gather up the stuff (it would take not even a whole 10 minutes) that I would gladly do that and would bring a coworker or my father or friend to help with the one heavy item. -- and he wouldn't have to do anything. He is apparently being very spiteful.
ExpatInItaly Posted April 6, 2015 Posted April 6, 2015 Question...since I have never dealt with nonsense like this before. I received a text saying that now today is not a good day for me to get my stuff. But to rest assured, it will all be safe until I can get it. On the phone call earlier, he mentioned today and I said that worked perfect because I had a horribly busy week ahead of me and would be out of town the weekend and all next week. He works from his home or a coffee house and is his own boss. I told him that if he doesn't have time to gather up the stuff (it would take not even a whole 10 minutes) that I would gladly do that and would bring a coworker or my father or friend to help with the one heavy item. -- and he wouldn't have to do anything. He is apparently being very spiteful. Typical of people like him, sadly. And don't give him options about when you can get your things. Tell him you're coming on X day at X time, and tell him to confirm with you that he will be able to let you in the house. Don't ask when he's available - state the dates you are available. Be firm. People like him are not trustworthy. You have done the right thing. And it would be wise to bring a friend or your father anyway, to avoid any nasty confrontations. You don't need it. Go in, get your stuff, and go out. 1
Author caregiver218 Posted April 6, 2015 Author Posted April 6, 2015 Typical of people like him, sadly. And don't give him options about when you can get your things. Tell him you're coming on X day at X time, and tell him to confirm with you that he will be able to let you in the house. Don't ask when he's available - state the dates you are available. Be firm. People like him are not trustworthy. You have done the right thing. And it would be wise to bring a friend or your father anyway, to avoid any nasty confrontations. You don't need it. Go in, get your stuff, and go out. He called me and didn't know why I was being "this way"?! So I just nicely (here I go again) said that I was glad he sent a message earlier about my stuff and that we agreed I could get it today. That it needs to be today as I have a busy week and we are both adults and need to be respectful. He said that I wasn't being respectful of his time....even though I agreed for this afternoon. ((I KNOW he is doing this to make it hard on me)) He said he didn't understand why my stuff is so important now, I could have contacted him at any time over the weekend. (Remember the two times I did try to contact him last week...and what did he do??) But I didn't bring any of that up and just it was best for me to get my stuff and get out of his way. He doesn't understand why we can't be friends. Then he tries to reason about us being compatible. Is he thinking I still want him? Is he upset because I am walking away from him? Is that why he is holding my stuff? Is that why he wants to be friends....and still hang out? I do not mean to sound cold...but he tried to play the pity routine regarding somethings...and when I didn't bite, he got horribly upset and started being hateful and hurtful. THIS IS INSANE! I am ever so grateful for finding this forum when I was googling early relationship issues. Thank you THANK YOU all!
GemmaUK Posted April 8, 2015 Posted April 8, 2015 He will try every tantrum in the book to get a rise out of you - any kind of emotion at all. You know like a toddler will be naughty to get attention? Like that. If he doesn't get any emotional rise out of you he will call you an uncaring B most likely. It's easier when you know what to expect. Just stick to your guns, whenever you do pick up your stuff say little, just repeat 'I'm getting my stuff and will soon be gone for good' to whatever he says. I'm glad you got some books - Toads is brilliant!
katiegrl Posted April 8, 2015 Posted April 8, 2015 (edited) I couldn't think of the exact name!! haha:p The clerk at the book store said there were a series of books, but they didn't have any....I will look up Mars and Venus on a Date, on Amazon and see if I can find it. Any other good, helpful, enlightening reads? Always interested in doing and being better and handling difficult situations better. "Men Who Hate Women (aka Toads..haha) and the Women Who Love Them" can also be found on Amazon. I think that book would be the most helpful to you after this experience.... Google it when you can. It's so good...you will be amazed! Edited April 8, 2015 by katiegrl 1
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