Emotional Rollercoaster & Pulling Away

[GemmaUK]

That's great that you can see an ex and how he was compared to your research - you had an instinct and you followed it through but you have to remember that they come in all shapes and sizes.

 

 

I want to try and explain the last part of your post but I have to make some distinctions before I do.

 

 

I am not going to go indepth and describe types of guys and see no point in mentioning the typical a**hole type.

 

 

There are however, good men (truly nice guys) out there who give not to receive, have good family relationships, have friends, hobbies, enjoy their work and do well at it and also grow friendships from working with others too.

I don't call this type a nice guy, I call him a good man.

 

 

We see on here often the term 'nice guy' used and I have two versions of that - one is nice, always nice he is that good man above) and he is an ordinary guy, aware of his faults too..

 

 

The other is the 'self proclaimed nice guy' - the one who actually states verbally that he is a nice guy. This should not be necessary. I have never known a good man (truly nice guy) feel any need ever to say that he is a nice guy.

 

 

Your man is the latter I suspect.

 

 

My current BF (which he never calls me his GF, but it is still early and he has been so hurt before)…but he is nothing like the previous guy that had EVERYTHING on the list of NPD.

 

Current BF started out being himself, the good the bad the ugly. There was no prince charming, no mask. Which is what I like. I like honest people, not people that act good just to get you and then change in a few months.

 

I am NOT defending him or his actions, but I am trying to see the good and hate to see someone suffer. I do dislike his issues and I am strong and confident and know my values so it doesn't get me down much. I also know, you can not help someone who doesn't want help or see a problem with themselves. (Which is just beyond me)

 

The more I think on the issue, the more I wonder if all of the common interests we have will ever manifest into us doing them together. (In the three months, we have done very little of what I would like,, it is always helping him with something because 'no one else will help') - It bothers me and I will ask about it and when I do, we will do something or he says we will, just to have those plans changed because he needs to do something and of course, I am there to help because in my eyes at least we are together.

 

'Self proclaimed nice guys' will also agree and say they like 'xyz' just as much as you do to get a woman interested as they figure the more in common they appear to have the better the chance she will date/stick around.

 

 

It's simply a lie and is manipulation.

 

 

I would rather be a golf widow every Saturday and have a good man by my side who has a passion totally opposite to mine than someone who has chosen to le to me and not even be eager and willing to try out/do the things he said he loved so much. I would be thinking that he just said these things to fit in with me.

That's not a good man in my book.

[caregiver218]

Thank you SoftViolin

I see that and he has tried to make me feel bad about my positive outlook on life and people. My fault is that I am a true caregiver. I want to help people see the positives of life and the good in people. I try to help people be better versions of themselves.

Maybe that is why I am attracted to him?! Maybe this is a problem with me?!?

-- No self pity here, just wondering if the problem is me, since I read that most NPD (like my previous BF obviously was) look for the empathetic care giving types because they need that in their lives.

 

I can't change and it isn't in me to be hurtful. And with the current BF, if he says hurtful things and I ignore them and excuse myself from the room, he will say 'walk away, be passive aggressive'. Which I'm not, I am just not wanting to hear the hurtful things and go into another room to let him breathe. I never drive off or leave or grab my phone and start playing on it, as I know, those are things he fears. Although he can tell me to leave to go to someone else because he can too. (I hate that game)

[GemmaUK]

Grr! I was too late to edit again...

 

 

To add to my last post:

After reading your last post there is also another trait with 'some' narcs in that if they feel their narcissist supply (you) not fulfilling their needs they will drop that source of supply and usually have a richer source lined up.

However, you have been kind and done a fair few good gestures there recently so my suspicion is he will come around when he feels you have done enough to bolster his need for reassurance.

 

 

If you go no contact from that last correspondence he will be back though (be warned). But if I were you I really wouldn't send any texts, not make any calls and not respond to any contact from him from now on.

 

 

Don't waste your loving and laid back nature on a guy who wants to suck you dry. He chose you because you are that way and he soon saw that he could get all of his supply that he needed from you. It's time to stop being emotionally generous to someone who does not deserve a second more of your time.

[caregiver218]

'Self proclaimed nice guys' will also agree and say they like 'xyz' just as much as you do to get a woman interested as they figure the more in common they appear to have the better the chance she will date/stick around.

 

 

It's simply a lie and is manipulation.

 

 

I would rather be a golf widow every Saturday and have a good man by my side who has a passion totally opposite to mine than someone who has chosen to le to me and not even be eager and willing to try out/do the things he said he loved so much. I would be thinking that he just said these things to fit in with me.

That's not a good man in my book.

 

I agree!! I want/need/deserve a good man with great values and love of family and life. The common interests are just an added bonus.

 

I am fully capable and enjoy my own time, time with girlfriends, time reading, etc without having a BF there constantly. And I want a man that can enjoy his time as well. I love the togetherness but know we all need our own time as well.

 

Since we have met, we talk constantly about our common interests, but in reality we have yet to do much if anything. Unless he wants to and it is something for him. He not only hurts me (us) by not doing things but the kids and friends have had cancelled plans or have tried to do stuff and we don't. I often just thought it was his anxiety and depression.

 

He does talk himself up to be a great guy. Always doing and helping others but never getting any help in return. He is the one always getting 'screwed over'.

But then he will go through stages where he says he is a loser and I can do better, etc.

[GemmaUK]

Thank you SoftViolin

I see that and he has tried to make me feel bad about my positive outlook on life and people. My fault is that I am a true caregiver. I want to help people see the positives of life and the good in people. I try to help people be better versions of themselves.

Maybe that is why I am attracted to him?! Maybe this is a problem with me?!?

-- No self pity here, just wondering if the problem is me, since I read that most NPD (like my previous BF obviously was) look for the empathetic care giving types because they need that in their lives.

 

I can't change and it isn't in me to be hurtful. And with the current BF, if he says hurtful things and I ignore them and excuse myself from the room, he will say 'walk away, be passive aggressive'. Which I'm not, I am just not wanting to hear the hurtful things and go into another room to let him breathe. I never drive off or leave or grab my phone and start playing on it, as I know, those are things he fears. Although he can tell me to leave to go to someone else because he can too. (I hate that game)

 

 

 

 

I know we'll get a bit of crossed posts here but you can learn and do a lot by upping your boundaries of what is acceptable and what is not.

Since I was with my 7 month abusive guy (he was jealous, needy, possessive, insecure, blamed all of his ex's (even managed to blame one for his truck driving licence going out of date - wtf!!!), blamed his family for not feeling loved - his family were awesome by the way - he was the only one that could not see that they loved him but found his insecurities, temper and anger issues a strain just as I did) I have learned a tonne of things I could have and should have done that I can and will carry forward to whoever I date next.

 

 

Out of those books I listed your guy is pointing 100% to the Toads book by Alexandra Nouri. I have read a stack of stuff but this was spot on and it will be for you also.

 

 

If someone says hurtful things or accuses you of things you have not done then it's not even time to step up and defend yourself or try to reason. It's just time to leave. Seriously.

 

 

I tried reasoning and tried compromise but I would also go quiet like you - partly because some of the things my guy said rendered me just speechless!!

 

 

There is nothing wrong in being a caregiver but caregiver's also have to care for themselves. I am one too. But I will never again overlook 'me'.

[GemmaUK]

ver'.

But then he will go through stages where he says he is a loser and I can do better, etc.

 

 

Listen to this. He is being honest.

100% honest.

[katiegrl]

The day after the blow up, I tried to call, no answer. When I arrived at my office, I sent a quick 'good morning' text and asked if he slept well and was feeling better (he had been not feeling so well). He replied, 'I feel good. Thanks for asking.' To which I replied, 'Have a morning full of meetings, but my afternoon free. Want to have lunch, my treat.' And his response, 'I can't today'.

Which he owns a company and comes and goes from his office when he wants and usually does a lot of his work from his home or local coffee house.

 

Later that afternoon, I sent him a meme I thought he would find amusing (trying to lift his spirits) and he replied with jabs at me, about the type of men I like, etc. So I didn't reply back.

((Not certain where he comes up with the type of man I want in my life, since I haven't dated many but they have all been completely different in looks, style and background).

 

Later that same night, I knew he had his kids and I am usually with them, so tried to call, no response. Sent a quick text to tell them I said hi and sent a document file that he had previously offered help with. Around 9:30 his reply was (regarding only the document) 'just try to rewrite it'. Sigh.

 

This is why I am confused and hurt because he is so distant, when we had been so great for weeks!!

 

Yesterday, I knew he had a day trip planned with his friend (who I enjoy spending time with and the fact he seems to help my BF calm his mind). So I sent a good morning text (knowing he wouldn't answer his phone) and a funny travel meme (he loves memes and funny graphics). A few hours later, he sent, 'That's right' - regarding the picture.

I didn't reply and haven't since.

I know he has his kids this weekend, which I am usually included and there for everything. That is a little upsetting too but I am not calling or texting.

 

First of all stop sending so many damn texts! It's NOT helping, can't you see that?

 

Your *caring* isn't helping, your *niceness" isn't helping. Your *understanding* isn't helping.

 

To the contrary, it's ANNOYING him! That's very obvious given his response.

 

I mean you reach out and show you care...and his response is to either ignore you ... or take jabs at you? Belittle you? Are you kidding me girl??

 

Come on now, wake up and take off the blinders already! You are being foolish.

 

Please read the book I recommended... with an OPEN MIND. No justifications (bad childhood, bad ex wives)...no excuses, just STOP with that.

 

The man is an emotional abuser..and toxic!

 

Get out before this destroys you.

 

You don't believe me? Hand around being caring, nice and understanding... and watch what happens. Don't say we didn't warn you.

[GemmaUK]

First of all stop sending so many damn texts! It's NOT helping, can't you see that?

 

Your *caring* isn't helping, your *niceness" isn't helping. Your *understanding* isn't helping.

 

To the contrary, it's ANNOYING him! That's very obvious given his response.

 

I mean you reach out and show you care...and his response is to either ignore you ... or take jabs at you? Belittle you? Are you kidding me girl??

 

 

 

If this were a totally different situation and this was a man who she simply really liked who was being uncommunicative then I would have said the same.

And OP - do bear that in mind for whoever you date in future.

One text/call should be pretty much equivalent to one text or call back and there shouldn't be jabs in there.

I admit that in the past I have renamed a man's number in my phone to 'DON'T TEXT' so that I just wouldn't - seriously! It works for me too.

 

 

However, in this situation I wouldn't give a rats a*** if he was annoyed - but I wouldn't continue to text/call either.

But, over texting and calling is something that I did only once and in my much younger years and man I was a fool!! I quickly sussed that I was being far too nice and only receiving dregs.

 

 

I still think he is feeling his narc supply is not 'needy enough' for him just now though so he is giving you the odd breadcrumb but that if you do quit contact he will be back - unless of course he has another supply to feed from.

 

All of the good news is you can learn and grow from all of this CG. Just don't let it make you feel bad. Learning from things swings it to a positive and you can put it behind you.

The next guy you meet, your boundaries will have grown significantly by then and you will be much more geared to be on alert to listen to your instincts and the core of you will still be you but a smarter you.

[katiegrl]

If this were a totally different situation and this was a man who she simply really liked who was being uncommunicative then I would have said the same.

And OP - do bear that in mind for whoever you date in future.

One text/call should be pretty much equivalent to one text or call back and there shouldn't be jabs in there.

I admit that in the past I have renamed a man's number in my phone to 'DON'T TEXT' so that I just wouldn't - seriously! It works for me too.

 

 

However, in this situation I wouldn't give a rats a*** if he was annoyed - but I wouldn't continue to text/call either.

But, over texting and calling is something that I did only once and in my much younger years and man I was a fool!! I quickly sussed that I was being far too nice and only receiving dregs.

 

 

I still think he is feeling his narc supply is not 'needy enough' for him just now though so he is giving you the odd breadcrumb but that if you do quit contact he will be back - unless of course he has another supply to feed from.

 

All of the good news is you can learn and grow from all of this CG. Just don't let it make you feel bad. Learning from things swings it to a positive and you can put it behind you.

The next guy you meet, your boundaries will have grown significantly by then and you will be much more geared to be on alert to listen to your instincts and the core of you will still be you but a smarter you.

 

+1000..especially last paragraph.

 

You live, you learn, you grow stronger and wiser.

 

As a result, next time you will choose more wisely....

[katiegrl]

If this were a totally different situation and this was a man who she simply really liked who was being uncommunicative then I would have said the same.

And OP - do bear that in mind for whoever you date in future.

One text/call should be pretty much equivalent to one text or call back and there shouldn't be jabs in there.

I admit that in the past I have renamed a man's number in my phone to 'DON'T TEXT' so that I just wouldn't - seriously! It works for me too.

 

 

However, in this situation I wouldn't give a rats a*** if he was annoyed - but I wouldn't continue to text/call either.

But, over texting and calling is something that I did only once and in my much younger years and man I was a fool!! I quickly sussed that I was being far too nice and only receiving dregs.

 

 

I still think he is feeling his narc supply is not 'needy enough' for him just now though so he is giving you the odd breadcrumb but that if you do quit contact he will be back - unless of course he has another supply to feed from.

 

All of the good news is you can learn and grow from all of this CG. Just don't let it make you feel bad. Learning from things swings it to a positive and you can put it behind you.

The next guy you meet, your boundaries will have grown significantly by then and you will be much more geared to be on alert to listen to your instincts and the core of you will still be you but a smarter you.

 

Gemma, I am sending this from my tablet so can't cut text. But with respect your first paragraph ^^......can you clarify?

 

Are you saying that, given the circumstances as they are now, with him being an obvious emotional abuser, you *disagree* that her caring, niceness and understanding is NOT helping her cause here...and you disagree that it's most likely annoying the hell out of him?

 

I think it IS annoying him...hence his ignoring her and constant jabs. It also denotes weakness...as opposed to being strong and refusing to tolerate such crap.... um emotional abuse...

 

If my boyfriend were to treat me that way and say such things..... I would be like "knock it off..or we're done"!! And I would leave! And mean it!

 

I would NOT reward him by continuing to text, being caring and understanding and "making nice."

 

Bad message to send. It tells him, you can ignore me, take jabs at me and belittle me..no problem! I will just try harder ..and be nicer next time and more understanding... and maybe you will start loving me again.

 

Ugh!!!! No! He will lose respect for you and treat you worse! He will see you as weak... instead of strong... and use that to justify his continued abuse!

 

Anyway Gemma, I realize that was a bit of a rant, but I was a little confused by your first paragraph. It sounded as if you were disagreeing, which is okay...but would you clarify?

 

Thanks in advance....

[GemmaUK]

Gemma, I am sending this from my tablet so can't cut text. But with respect your first paragraph ^^......can you clarify?

 

 

What I mean is that in this situation that we have here I would not give a damn (rat's a***) if it is annoying him - not at this stage and the level of nasty he is at.

I think that for the OP that she need not think about whether it's annoying him and should just quit any contact from now on in this specific situation with this specific guy.

 

 

I am however, saying that texting and calling too much like this can be annoying to people (men or women) so it's something to make sure that the OP, being a caregiver by nature, may well be prone to do in a RS. I know because I did it once myself..and to stop myself I changed 'Marco's' name in my phone to 'Don't Text' so that literally if I went to my phone to text Marco I would have to rethink, remember I now have him listed as Don't Text so would have to scroll to the 'D' section and then I would think twice and not text him.

 

 

Hopefully I've been more clear this time.. ? Idk? *chews nails hoping you get me and that I haven't baffled anyone who reads this*

[katiegrl]

What I mean is that in this situation that we have here I would not give a damn (rat's a***) if it is annoying him - not at this stage and the level of nasty he is at.

I think that for the OP that she need not think about whether it's annoying him and should just quit any contact from now on in this specific situation with this specific guy.

 

 

I am however, saying that texting and calling too much like this can be annoying to people (men or women) so it's something to make sure that the OP, being a caregiver by nature, may well be prone to do in a RS. I know because I did it once myself..and to stop myself I changed 'Marco's' name in my phone to 'Don't Text' so that literally if I went to my phone to text Marco I would have to rethink, remember I now have him listed as Don't Text so would have to scroll to the 'D' section and then I would think twice and not text him.

 

 

Hopefully I've been more clear this time.. ? Idk? *chews nails hoping you get me and that I haven't baffled anyone who reads this*

 

Thanks Gemma....I get you and agree. I agree she should not give a rat's rear end if she annoys him or not...and just get the hell out.

 

The reason I mentioned that her behavior was most likely annoying him, was because I strongly suspect she believes (mistakenly) that her behavior (niceness, understanding, etc) will somehow endear her to him. And draw him closer.

 

I wanted to stress that with men like him, all that niceness and understanding (in response to his ignoring her, jabs, etc.) does not and will not endear her to him, it annoys him and will result in him losing respect for her! Which in his distorted mind, gives him justification to continuing abusing her!

 

Anyway nuff said. If I had to take a wild guess, she will ignore our warnings, and proceed forward. Learning the hard way that she can't fix him, and all the "baby caring" in the world is not gonna make this all better...and in reality.. will actually make it worse!

 

I wish her luck..

[GemmaUK]

Thanks Gemma....I get you and agree. I agree she should not give a rat's rear end if she annoys him or not...and just get the hell out.

 

The reason I mentioned that her behavior was most likely annoying him, was because I strongly suspect she believes (mistakenly) that her behavior (niceness, understanding, etc) will somehow endear her to him. And draw him closer.

 

I wanted to stress that with men like him, all that niceness and understanding (in response to his ignoring her, jabs, etc.) does not and will not endear her to him, it annoys him and will result in him losing respect for her! Which in his distorted mind, gives him justification to continuing abusing her!

 

Anyway nuff said. If I had to take a wild guess, she will ignore our warnings, and proceed forward. Learning the hard way that she can't fix him, and all the "baby caring" in the world is not gonna make this all better...and in reality.. will actually make it worse!

 

I wish her luck..

 

 

There is no compromise and there is no talking or coming to agreements with men like this. I totally agree with that.

 

 

CG is learning this - she is doing what I did too late (I only really began to learn about my ex 8 months after I ended it) and reading up now.

She is just a bit conflicted just now and I understand that. Don't we all find it harder to see what is going on when we are in it and our emotions are involved? I do.

I find it much easier to give out advice than to listen to my own instinct (which has never yet proved me wrong if I am honest).

 

 

Learning is key. It also takes time and we all have our own limits.

 

 

I think CG will be fine and I think she has a good basis in that she is confident in herself - she just needs to remember the value of HERSELF in a relationship and remember that it counts for more than she is aware right now. Basically, it should be about her, not him.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Apologies to you CG for speaking about you rather than to you - it's not intended in a mean way at all. ((hugs)) xx

[SoftViolin]

Thank you SoftViolin

I see that and he has tried to make me feel bad about my positive outlook on life and people. My fault is that I am a true caregiver. I want to help people see the positives of life and the good in people. I try to help people be better versions of themselves.

Maybe that is why I am attracted to him?! Maybe this is a problem with me?!?

Whether it's why you are attracted to him or not, or whether your willingness and desire to care for people you love might be excessive or not, it is who you are. Among all the great, wonderful, positive or negative, endearing or annoying, interesting, fantastic qualities you possess that make you YOU, it is one of them. And it is up to the person you are with to appreciate all of them in you - positive and negative, and be excited every day that he has you in his life. Everyone deserves a partner who appreciates them, and giving yourself back to such a partner is joy and not work. Good luck, OP.

[katiegrl]

There is no compromise and there is no talking or coming to agreements with men like this. I totally agree with that.

 

 

CG is learning this - she is doing what I did too late (I only really began to learn about my ex 8 months after I ended it) and reading up now.

She is just a bit conflicted just now and I understand that. Don't we all find it harder to see what is going on when we are in it and our emotions are involved? I do.

I find it much easier to give out advice than to listen to my own instinct (which has never yet proved me wrong if I am honest).

 

 

Learning is key. It also takes time and we all have our own limits.

 

 

I think CG will be fine and I think she has a good basis in that she is confident in herself - she just needs to remember the value of HERSELF in a relationship and remember that it counts for more than she is aware right now. Basically, it should be about her, not him.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Apologies to you CG for speaking about you rather than to you - it's not intended in a mean way at all. ((hugs)) xx

 

^^Same here CG.... and good luck going forward!!

[GemmaUK]

^^Same here CG.... and good luck going forward!!

 

And for CG..this - me and Katie is the example of how a misunderstanding can be easily resolved. I was not clear - she asked - I explained - she asked in a non offensive way, I replied in a non offensive way.

 

We are on the same page but there is no angst, no love lost, no issue..within hours..of being on and offfline.

 

 

 

 

That is how a relationship should be too - those have been my good ones and they are the only ones I want or would accept now.

[katiegrl]

Thank you SoftViolin

I see that and he has tried to make me feel bad about my positive outlook on life and people. My fault is that I am a true caregiver. I want to help people see the positives of life and the good in people. I try to help people be better versions of themselves.

Maybe that is why I am attracted to him?! Maybe this is a problem with me?!?

-- No self pity here, just wondering if the problem is me, since I read that most NPD (like my previous BF obviously was) look for the empathetic care giving types because they need that in their lives.

 

I can't change and it isn't in me to be hurtful. And with the current BF, if he says hurtful things and I ignore them and excuse myself from the room, he will say 'walk away, be passive aggressive'. Which I'm not, I am just not wanting to hear the hurtful things and go into another room to let him breathe. I never drive off or leave or grab my phone and start playing on it, as I know, those are things he fears. Although he can tell me to leave to go to someone else because he can too. (I hate that game)

 

CG, I just read this^^....and yes it's partly you...it takes two to tango as they say.

 

Google "Florence Nightingale Syndrome." Yes there really is such a thing.

[walkingonair]

Typing from my phone, so please excuse any typos!

 

I have been seeing a guy, whom I was introduced to by a mutual friend, for 3 months. From the beginning, we felt so comfortable with each, like we had known each other for a long time, that we never did any of the 'normal' dates. We would go for drives, paint his house, etc.

 

We have so many interests in common, but yet so different. I am laid-back, see the good in people and love everyone. Yes, I have been deeply hurt in my past, but I have chosen to live a happy life and not let the bad get me down (divorce, abusive relationship, single mom, money struggles, etc). I am a caregiver and will help out anyone even before myself because I know what it's like to have nothing and no one.

He is a great guy (I know it) just high-strung, dry sense of humor, gets high anxiety, stress and depression. (He has been hurt emotionally/financially in his divorce 9 years ago, lost his mother several years ago, etc). He was cheated on and lied to in the past and he has made remarks about me wanting or looking at other guys or always on social media or wanting a guy that isn't a 'loser' or that's 'preppy'!! He also talks to a lot of females but blows up if he sees a guys name on my phone. [we both have kids from our previous marriages and are in our 30's]

 

I am writing in because I am confused by his actions. We have had two 'fights' both times over miscommunication. Otherwise, we are learning about each other and enjoying time together, which we have pretty much been inseparable since meeting. We have both been doing well with his depression, jealousy and trust issues, I mean almost 'perfect'. And I think it has scared him?!?!

All was well, great, excellent until a misconstrude text message (which I hope was a miscommunication on both ends and I apologized for my part) - it wasn't even heated or bad, which makes it even more confusing. He got so upset and wanted me to leave. I tried to get him to talk, but after yelling at me he just shuts down.

It has been 3 days of not seeing each other, no phone calls and any text is ME send it and maybe I get a short distant response back, if I'm lucky. It kills me because we always want to be together and usually get along great, so for this treatment for honestly no reason, it's very hurtful.

 

I read that some people pull away when they start getting too close out of fear of getting hurt and the best thing to do is not 'nag' and bother them. To give them space and trust they will be back. I see and know his many past issues cause a lot of mental issues (and he is anti-doctor) so I am trying to be understanding…but it is worrisome.

 

Any advice, thoughts, positive vibes would be appreciated.

 

 

 

I have dated a guy like this in the past and currently dating one.I know alot about this.What's your email?We should talk!

[ExpatInItaly]

Just about all women date guys like this. women love drama more than life itself.

 

No. Men like this are abusive. Women do not love that type of drama, and to suggest that is insulting to the women who are victimized. You clearly do not understand the dynamics in an abusive relationship. It has zero to do with a so-called love of drama.

[Buddhist]

I know with a divorce, especially with children involved (I have been there), and the ex-wife having full custody and supposedly making his life 'a living hell' for almost 9 years (both emotionally and financially). Then, his mother passing away. Then issues with his sister, that he seems to try to constantly help and take care of. And then another 'crazy' ex that lied, cheated, stole almost everything he had. I mean, I see the emotional stress all that, plus hating his job and never having time to get to his hobbies or upkeep his home (which he has mentioned several times that was my fault or an exes fault as well) etc, can cause and take a toll on a persons overall well-being. When you have a negative mindset, nothing seems to work in your favor.

 

Don't do this. Make excuses for him and start seeing him as someone reaching out for help and love. A fixable project.

 

I've only read two of your posts and there are so many red flags I wonder how it's gotten this far. The fact that he's forever blaming something outside of himself for all his problems (including you by the sounds of things) tells me very clearly he has no personal responsibility and no desire to acquire any. This is not a fixable situation, it's something to get out before it goes further.

 

Too many women get sucked in by the lame duck syndrome and end up paying for it. He's not going to come good as a result of you. If he does come good at all, it'll be because of him and a pile of personal work to sort his stuff. He won't do that while you are conveniently there to blame.

 

I want to create a fridge magnet that says this....

 

A broken man with emotional issues is not a great renovation project. You cannot love him out of mental illnesses and personality disorders. Learn to tell the difference between a diamond in the rough and someone who would have been institutionalised a few decades ago.

[caregiver218]

Whether it's why you are attracted to him or not, or whether your willingness and desire to care for people you love might be excessive or not, it is who you are. Among all the great, wonderful, positive or negative, endearing or annoying, interesting, fantastic qualities you possess that make you YOU, it is one of them. And it is up to the person you are with to appreciate all of them in you - positive and negative, and be excited every day that he has you in his life. Everyone deserves a partner who appreciates them, and giving yourself back to such a partner is joy and not work. Good luck, OP.

 

Thank you!

[caregiver218]

Originally Posted by loom man View Post

Just about all women date guys like this. women love drama more than life itself.

 

No. Men like this are abusive. Women do not love that type of drama, and to suggest that is insulting to the women who are victimized. You clearly do not understand the dynamics in an abusive relationship. It has zero to do with a so-called love of drama.

 

I guess I missed the post by loom man.

But one of my biggest pet peeves is DRAMA - and I have found that a lot of men seem to like drama and start drama. I worked 3 years deleting people and getting out of situations that were negative and full of drama.

 

I am a business professional with around 100 staff....and sadly, most of the drama and cattiness are from my male employees.

 

Sadly, I disagree with the statement that "women love drama more than life itself' is INSANE! Life should be full of happiness, togetherness, love, peacefulness and any issues that may arise should not be drama filled and hateful.

 

Course with all of this being said....although I am often described as one of the most kindhearted person someone knows, I do not have many female friends. I think that is partly due to the fact, I distance myself from the gossip and cattiness that (sadly) most females carry.

[caregiver218]

No. Men like this are abusive. Women do not love that type of drama, and to suggest that is insulting to the women who are victimized. You clearly do not understand the dynamics in an abusive relationship. It has zero to do with a so-called love of drama.

 

Don't do this. Make excuses for him and start seeing him as someone reaching out for help and love. A fixable project.

 

I've only read two of your posts and there are so many red flags I wonder how it's gotten this far. The fact that he's forever blaming something outside of himself for all his problems (including you by the sounds of things) tells me very clearly he has no personal responsibility and no desire to acquire any. This is not a fixable situation, it's something to get out before it goes further.

 

Too many women get sucked in by the lame duck syndrome and end up paying for it. He's not going to come good as a result of you. If he does come good at all, it'll be because of him and a pile of personal work to sort his stuff. He won't do that while you are conveniently there to blame.

 

I want to create a fridge magnet that says this....

 

A broken man with emotional issues is not a great renovation project. You cannot love him out of mental illnesses and personality disorders. Learn to tell the difference between a diamond in the rough and someone who would have been institutionalised a few decades ago.

 

I completely agree!!!! And I see this! Almost three months and I know this isn't for me. It is a shame but I do not need another "project" in my life. -- I have many good projects in my life and any man that is in my life, shouldn't be this way.

 

I am so thankful that I posted because otherwise, I never would have heard of the NPD issues or that there were other people dealing with someone like this.

 

I didn't come here to bash this man....I cam here because I was completely confused by his actions, etc. (so never want to come across as I am doing such).

 

Thank you for your post!! And yes....make that magnet! I have saved it!

[Redhead14]

Typing from my phone, so please excuse any typos!

 

I have been seeing a guy, whom I was introduced to by a mutual friend, for 3 months. From the beginning, we felt so comfortable with each, like we had known each other for a long time, that we never did any of the 'normal' dates. We would go for drives, paint his house, etc.

 

We have so many interests in common, but yet so different. I am laid-back, see the good in people and love everyone. Yes, I have been deeply hurt in my past, but I have chosen to live a happy life and not let the bad get me down (divorce, abusive relationship, single mom, money struggles, etc). I am a caregiver and will help out anyone even before myself because I know what it's like to have nothing and no one.

He is a great guy (I know it) just high-strung, dry sense of humor, gets high anxiety, stress and depression. (He has been hurt emotionally/financially in his divorce 9 years ago, lost his mother several years ago, etc). He was cheated on and lied to in the past and he has made remarks about me wanting or looking at other guys or always on social media or wanting a guy that isn't a 'loser' or that's 'preppy'!! He also talks to a lot of females but blows up if he sees a guys name on my phone. [we both have kids from our previous marriages and are in our 30's]

 

I am writing in because I am confused by his actions. We have had two 'fights' both times over miscommunication. Otherwise, we are learning about each other and enjoying time together, which we have pretty much been inseparable since meeting. We have both been doing well with his depression, jealousy and trust issues, I mean almost 'perfect'. And I think it has scared him?!?!

All was well, great, excellent until a misconstrude text message (which I hope was a miscommunication on both ends and I apologized for my part) - it wasn't even heated or bad, which makes it even more confusing. He got so upset and wanted me to leave. I tried to get him to talk, but after yelling at me he just shuts down.

It has been 3 days of not seeing each other, no phone calls and any text is ME send it and maybe I get a short distant response back, if I'm lucky. It kills me because we always want to be together and usually get along great, so for this treatment for honestly no reason, it's very hurtful.

 

I read that some people pull away when they start getting too close out of fear of getting hurt and the best thing to do is not 'nag' and bother them. To give them space and trust they will be back. I see and know his many past issues cause a lot of mental issues (and he is anti-doctor) so I am trying to be understanding…but it is worrisome.

 

Any advice, thoughts, positive vibes would be appreciated.

 

 

It is often true that men/women will pull away if they start getting close to a dating partner. However, you've also said that it's been three months and

"I am a caregiver and will help out anyone even before myself".

 

Overgiving, especially early in a dating scenario and especially since this man has difficulty with anxiety, will also push them away. Being "overly" supportive can cause issues as well. In other words, you may be trying to manage his depression and anxiety issues for him. If he has these issues and they are presenting themselves, you would need to simply say "I am sorry you are feeling this way." What can I do to help? Sometimes people will start offering ideas for what to do or dong things that THEY THINK will help. Let them manage them for themselves. Don't offer solutions or try to do things for them, etc.

 

And, yes, you must give him space. Do not contact him first. If he contacts you, respond in kind and keep it light. Don't mention the relationship and be supportive if he goes into it. Don't express anger (although you may have some) and don't ask why you haven't heard from him. Let him come to you -- if he's going to.

 

Spending as much time as you apparently have been at this stage may be causing him to feel "smothered" as well which will up the anxiety.

 

Giving him the space, though, is actually about you and managing your emotions and getting centered again. This is not really about "getting him back", it could happen and if it is going to, this is the best way to handle it.

[caregiver218]

 

Anyway nuff said. If I had to take a wild guess, she will ignore our warnings, and proceed forward. Learning the hard way that she can't fix him, and all the "baby caring" in the world is not gonna make this all better...and in reality.. will actually make it worse!

 

I wish her luck..

 

Tough love? Did this happen to you and YOU ignored what others said, so you assume all others will do the same??

Assumptions are a cause for so many issues in every area of ones life. You must have learned that at this stage in your life.

 

You do not know me....you do not know my strengths and values. Although I am a tender and kindhearted female, I know my worth, my wants, my values. I am a business professional with a huge staff. Although I may appear small and weak, I am strong. I am direct and stearn when needed. It isn't a bad trait to have that I chose to live my life with a positive and more peaceful outlook....UNTIL it is needed to be more stearn.

 

I remember doubters saying that I was too kind and positive to make it in the cut-throat business....but I am now seen as a strong and confident female in a male business. I lead my personal life the same.

 

It hasn't even been 3 months with this guy...and I have done well. I have spoken to him previously about things I didn't like or want. I have "called him out" on things that were (in my eyes) inappropriate behavior for any man in my life.

 

Should I have walked away from him the first time he shown me this side of him...maybe.....but do you know how many times I have been grateful that someone stayed by my side and gave me a chance (whether in personal areas or career areas). What if they hadn't given me another chance.

 

It is NOT bad to see good and give people a chance. I am blessed with strong convictions. I can see if I were the type that was afraid to not find a man or insecure or whatever some women go thru that make them stay in a bad relationship. Thankfully.....I am not one of those women.