Emotional Rollercoaster & Pulling Away

[caregiver218]

Typing from my phone, so please excuse any typos!

 

I have been seeing a guy, whom I was introduced to by a mutual friend, for 3 months. From the beginning, we felt so comfortable with each, like we had known each other for a long time, that we never did any of the 'normal' dates. We would go for drives, paint his house, etc.

 

We have so many interests in common, but yet so different. I am laid-back, see the good in people and love everyone. Yes, I have been deeply hurt in my past, but I have chosen to live a happy life and not let the bad get me down (divorce, abusive relationship, single mom, money struggles, etc). I am a caregiver and will help out anyone even before myself because I know what it's like to have nothing and no one.

He is a great guy (I know it) just high-strung, dry sense of humor, gets high anxiety, stress and depression. (He has been hurt emotionally/financially in his divorce 9 years ago, lost his mother several years ago, etc). He was cheated on and lied to in the past and he has made remarks about me wanting or looking at other guys or always on social media or wanting a guy that isn't a 'loser' or that's 'preppy'!! He also talks to a lot of females but blows up if he sees a guys name on my phone. [we both have kids from our previous marriages and are in our 30's]

 

I am writing in because I am confused by his actions. We have had two 'fights' both times over miscommunication. Otherwise, we are learning about each other and enjoying time together, which we have pretty much been inseparable since meeting. We have both been doing well with his depression, jealousy and trust issues, I mean almost 'perfect'. And I think it has scared him?!?!

All was well, great, excellent until a misconstrude text message (which I hope was a miscommunication on both ends and I apologized for my part) - it wasn't even heated or bad, which makes it even more confusing. He got so upset and wanted me to leave. I tried to get him to talk, but after yelling at me he just shuts down.

It has been 3 days of not seeing each other, no phone calls and any text is ME send it and maybe I get a short distant response back, if I'm lucky. It kills me because we always want to be together and usually get along great, so for this treatment for honestly no reason, it's very hurtful.

 

I read that some people pull away when they start getting too close out of fear of getting hurt and the best thing to do is not 'nag' and bother them. To give them space and trust they will be back. I see and know his many past issues cause a lot of mental issues (and he is anti-doctor) so I am trying to be understanding…but it is worrisome.

 

Any advice, thoughts, positive vibes would be appreciated.

[Downtown]

He blows up if he sees a guys name on my phone.... his depression, jealousy and trust issues.... I see and know his many past issues cause a lot of mental issues.

CareGiver, welcome to the LoveShack forum. I don't know what's wrong with your BF. I do know, however, that you are describing a few -- but only a few -- of the classic warning signs for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). These include the irrational jealousy, trust issues, and abuse (i.e., "yelling at me" and the icy withdrawals).

 

It therefore may be worth your while to take a quick look at my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs. If most of them sound very familiar, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to discuss it with you. Take care, Caregiver.

[Gary S]

You sound like a nice lady with a nice attitude.

 

For one thing, I would ease up on the texting. Try to talk on the phone or even better yet, talk when you two are together. You might want to give him up to a week to come out of his cave. Read Men Are From Mars Women From Venus for more info.

 

To be a good catch, a person needs to have a good attitude, no mental issues, and not too much emotional baggage. It sounds like he has some problems.

[caregiver218]

Downtown - thank you for your response. I have read over the threads you linked and did a quick search on narcissists, which is ironic because I remember him saying that word a while back.

I am really not certain what all is happening within himself. I know that he always talks about how horrible and crazy he exes were and how he tried to get them to go to counseling and how they all left him with nothing. I know most never see their own faults, but what horrible luck he must have that he has been with such crazy and horrible people all his life. Even the few friends I have met or he has talked about, they do him wrong as well.

In one of the threads a lady posted about her husband always playing the poor me, pity me routine (a cough and he thinks it is throat cancer, etc) . That was another ironic statement because I just went through that 'I am so worried it is cancer, I have never felt this bad before' game and then being yelled at because I bring up seeing a doctor and that makes him go into a long rant.

 

I know with a divorce, especially with children involved (I have been there), and the ex-wife having full custody and supposedly making his life 'a living hell' for almost 9 years (both emotionally and financially). Then, his mother passing away. Then issues with his sister, that he seems to try to constantly help and take care of. And then another 'crazy' ex that lied, cheated, stole almost everything he had. I mean, I see the emotional stress all that, plus hating his job and never having time to get to his hobbies or upkeep his home (which he has mentioned several times that was my fault or an exes fault as well) etc, can cause and take a toll on a persons overall well-being. When you have a negative mindset, nothing seems to work in your favor.

 

I told him recently that I have never met a person like him, both in bad and good ways.

Also, I read about a honeymoon stage…we never experienced that. He was himself from the beginning. I am just confused by it all…Sadly…and often times I feel that it is ME, that I need to be more understanding, do more to baby take care of him & make him feel better and not so happy all the time (He once told me I had a narrow mindset because I see the good in everyone and every situation)!?!?! That was a first! (sigh)

 

He also told me (when I asked why we rarely 'go out' (like a date, not to get groceries, hardware store, etc) he said it was because he knew my type and that I am always looking for something better!! - The things that he can see and honestly think just floors me.

Edited April 4, 2015 by caregiver218

[caregiver218]

You sound like a nice lady with a nice attitude.

 

For one thing, I would ease up on the texting. Try to talk on the phone or even better yet, talk when you two are together. You might want to give him up to a week to come out of his cave. Read Men Are From Mars Women From Venus for more info.

 

To be a good catch, a person needs to have a good attitude, no mental issues, and not too much emotional baggage. It sounds like he has some problems.

 

Thank you for your comments and response Gary S! I will look into that book.

We both would rather talk on the phone, which we do most often. We both know that texts are easy to get twisted, emotions don't come through. When we are together, we talk constantly…and up until this point, we had been together every day. We had a solid week together (all day/night) 2 weeks ago and two days apart, but talking each day, then back together again for a week.

 

This text was started because I was in a meeting and asked if he was at his house - he and a friend were going to get out and enjoy the nice weather that day and I told him I would run errands after work until he got back (he told me to give them about 2 hours). All was good until 4 hours later (7:30) and I finally heard from him (after me calling him once and one text asking if everything was alright). He blow up over text and when I went to his house (9:00) he was still upset because I bothered him and 'he didn't need a mom' or to be controlled. He honestly felt my care and concern was a bad thing and completely disregarded the fact he told me he would be back within 2 hours and that I was waiting close by. He said he didn't make plans with me and I should have just driven home (we live 30 minutes apart) when I didn't hear from him.

It was all just so crazy and disheartening.

 

I agree about your last statement and know we all have some sort of issues and I try to see past those and hope they are resolved, as I would hope others look past my flaws as well. The negative attitude crushes my positive spirit sometimes, though.

[Gary S]

I'm a relationship writer and know the value of a giving woman, they are the best. My ex, one of my friends, and the lady I am dating now are social workers.

 

It's too bad many men don't understand that these givers are the best choices for girlfriends and wives.

[caregiver218]

You're blaming yourself for his bad behavior. It's all right for him to talk to females but not you to talk to males. I wouldn't put up with that.

 

I honestly feel like I could do more to help or make things better. Maybe that is a fault of mine?! (sigh)

 

Within a week of seeing each other, he started making comments regarding my phone. I do a lot of work from my phone (just as he does), but he would think I was talking to other men or on some social media site (which both are very far from the truth).

I do a lot of work with local organizations and one day I was telling him I needed to meet a gentleman to pick up some.fliers and asked if he wanted to go with me (we had just finished doing some work at his house). He blow up about meeting this guy and even talking to some guy I had never met. When I stood my ground about it being work related, he went into a rant about my safety and how much he cared about me. But when I turned his rant around, he has justification for the women he calls/emails/texts.

(I am not a fan of this one way street thinking)

[caregiver218]

I'm a relationship writer and know the value of a giving woman, they are the best. My ex, one of my friends, and the lady I am dating now are social workers.

 

It's too bad many men don't understand that these givers are the best choices for girlfriends and wives.

 

It is a shame! With all his constant complaining about the horrible exes never cooking or cleaning or caring, all their lies and cheating…seems like he would see a positive change and want that. I have faith that he will see that and want that in his life…eventually. And even if not with me, maybe I will be the one to get him on that path.

[ExpatInItaly]

It is a shame! With all his constant complaining about the horrible exes never cooking or cleaning or caring, all their lies and cheating…seems like he would see a positive change and want that. I have faith that he will see that and want that in his life…eventually. And even if not with me, maybe I will be the one to get him on that path.

 

Be careful about believing his version of events, OP. The common denominator is him. People who seem to have a history of so-called "crazy" exes are very often a big part of the problem and minimizing their own crappy behaviour. What do you think he'd be saying about you if you broke up? Probably the same thing.

 

I dated a man like him. Jealousy and instability and general ass-clown-ness. I too thought I would the one to get him to see the light. Fat chance. It doesn't get better. Sorry, but I think you should walk away. He is making you his emotional punching bag and it's not right. It's a form of manipulation and emotional abuse. Don't ignore these red flags. I wish I had listened to my gut and walked away much earlier than I did - the hell that I went through just wasn't worth it. And all those women he talks to? Watch out. I later discovered there was a lot more to these "female friends" than my ex let on. And yet I got accused of cheating constantly. (Never did) He was doing it all along.

 

The bottom line is that you can't fix this. It doesn't matter how caring or loving you are. He has serious problems that he needs to address. His refusal to acknowledge a problem tells me he isn't about to do that. 3 months isn't worth it. The fact that you have problems already is a sign that it's not working. You deserve so much better. Stop contacting him. Not so that he comes back, but so that you can preserve your own well-being.. He's playing games and you're too mature for that.

[katiegrl]

It is a shame! With all his constant complaining about the horrible exes never cooking or cleaning or caring, all their lies and cheating…seems like he would see a positive change and want that. I have faith that he will see that and want that in his life…eventually. And even if not with me, maybe I will be the one to get him on that path.

 

I highly doubt his ex's are all that horrible, lying, cheating, etc. I also highly doubt that every person he knows has screwed *him* over in some way...as you mentioned in a pervious post.

 

Who is the common denominator here? HIM! HE is the problem, not them. And the sooner you realize this the better. People like him are toxic and can really mess you up...IF you let them.

 

Twisting yourself into a pretzel "baby caing" for him is the worst thing you could do... and a futile waste of energy and emotion.

 

He will NOT love you more for behaving that way, to the contrary he will feel emasculated and lose respect for you. He may also come to feel repulsed by you.

 

I would suggest you start loving yourself and respecting yourself...and recognizing that this man has issues you can't fix.

Edited April 4, 2015 by katiegrl

[GemmaUK]

I would get the hell away from the guy.

 

 

He is a narcissistic toad plain and simple and he is already using emotional abuse on you.

 

 

You can't fix him.

It will get worse.

You will just be another in the line of people who was 'crazy' before long - he quite possibly has your name on that list already in pencil.

[ManyDissapoint]

The man has trust issues, and if you can believe his stories it sounds like its actually very logical that he has them. There's nothing wrong with having trust issues, but there's nothing wrong with you being upset with him not trusting you after you have proved yourself to him.

 

You guys need to talk about how his withdrawing makes you feel. You need to stop communicating by text -- that alone is a big factor in ruining relationships as the potential for misunderstandings is very very high.

 

It is unfair that he doesn't want you talking to other men but he talks to other women. However I understand his position. As someone who has been cheated on a few times yet would NEVER in a million years have either an emotional or physical affair, I admit that I would see nothing wrong with myself talking to other women, but not be comfortable if my SO spoke with other men. The difference is that I would recognize the imbalance in that dynamic so I would not make any situations that would make my SO uncomfortable.

 

My prescription is lots of face to face communication.

[GemmaUK]

I'm too late to edit so just to add:

 

 

Three book recommendations for you as his behaviour and what he says of his past is pretty classic behaviour:

 

 

The Jealousy Game - by Mandy White - freebie on Kindle and takes about an hour to read.

Toads and the Women Who Kiss Them. Aunty Alex's Army Manual. How to Free Yourself from the Narcissist - by Alexandra Nouri.

How to Avoid a Dangerous Man Before getting Involved - by Sandra L. Brown

 

 

Your man is described in each one of the above.

[BluEyeL]

He sounds horrible, and if you continue with him, I predict you'll end up in an abusive relationship. I would leave skidmarks in the parking lot.

[katiegrl]

I'm too late to edit so just to add:

 

 

Three book recommendations for you as his behaviour and what he says of his past is pretty classic behaviour:

 

 

The Jealousy Game - by Mandy White - freebie on Kindle and takes about an hour to read.

Toads and the Women Who Kiss Them. Aunty Alex's Army Manual. How to Free Yourself from the Narcissist - by Alexandra Nouri.

How to Avoid a Dangerous Man Before getting Involved - by Sandra L. Brown

 

 

Your man is described in each one of the above.

 

One more:

 

"Men Who Hate Women, and the Women Who Love Them.". It was on the NewYork Times bestseller list for YEARS. You will identify with the women in that book and their situations with their toxic and dysfunctional boyfriends/husbsnds like your boyfriend. Nearly destroyed them - emotionally.

 

Amazon, you can order a copy for like $5 bucks.

[JWB]

You sound like a nice lady with a nice attitude.

 

For one thing, I would ease up on the texting. Try to talk on the phone or even better yet, talk when you two are together. You might want to give him up to a week to come out of his cave. Read Men Are From Mars Women From Venus for more info.

 

To be a good catch, a person needs to have a good attitude, no mental issues, and not too much emotional baggage. It sounds like he has some problems.

 

She's being nice to an abuser. She's in an abusive relationship. How many times does someone have to say she can't fix an abuser especially by being nice to him and self blaming. These women who are so nice to their abusers usually become not nice to anyone telling her what she must do, leave the abuser.

 

 

She made a mistake by not leaving after a week by not leaving him and she continues to make a mistake by staying with him.

[katiegrl]

She's being nice to an abuser. She's in an abusive relationship. How many times does someone have to say she can't fix an abuser especially by being nice to him and self blaming. These women who are so nice to their abusers usually become not nice to anyone telling her what she must do, leave the abuser.

 

 

She made a mistake by not leaving after a week by not leaving him and she continues to make a mistake by staying with him.

 

^^+1000. And god help her when she starts to "baby care" for him thinking it will make him "all better." What a crock. Ugh.

 

Abusers choose their victims (um, partners) very carefully, and in this case he chose a winner.

Edited April 4, 2015 by katiegrl

[caregiver218]

Thank you for the book list. I have been reading up on things online as well.

 

 

One more:

 

"Men Who Hate Women, and the Women Who Love Them.". It was on the NewYork Times bestseller list for YEARS. You will identify with the women in that book and their situations with their toxic and dysfunctional boyfriends/husbsnds like your boyfriend. Nearly destroyed them - emotionally.

 

Amazon, you can order a copy for like $5 bucks.

[caregiver218]

Thank you for your response.

If everything he has told me is legit, I sincerely see how he would have so many issues. Especially if he has gone years without seeking support or help. I can see the strain it has on his mental well-being (the trust, jealousy, depression, stress, anxiety) and his physical state as well (constantly sick with something, no drive to do anything, homebody).

 

He does like to go to the gym and likes going in the early evenings - which has become another thing I have messed up. Since I have been in the picture, he doesn't 'get to go' like it wants to. He is able to go at anytime during the day, which I have asked why he doesn't and he got defensive, so I never brought it up again.

 

The man has trust issues, and if you can believe his stories it sounds like its actually very logical that he has them. There's nothing wrong with having trust issues, but there's nothing wrong with you being upset with him not trusting you after you have proved yourself to him.

 

You guys need to talk about how his withdrawing makes you feel. You need to stop communicating by text -- that alone is a big factor in ruining relationships as the potential for misunderstandings is very very high.

 

It is unfair that he doesn't want you talking to other men but he talks to other women. However I understand his position. As someone who has been cheated on a few times yet would NEVER in a million years have either an emotional or physical affair, I admit that I would see nothing wrong with myself talking to other women, but not be comfortable if my SO spoke with other men. The difference is that I would recognize the imbalance in that dynamic so I would not make any situations that would make my SO uncomfortable.

 

My prescription is lots of face to face communication.

[GemmaUK]

Thank you for your response.

If everything he has told me is legit, I sincerely see how he would have so many issues. Especially if he has gone years without seeking support or help. I can see the strain it has on his mental well-being (the trust, jealousy, depression, stress, anxiety) and his physical state as well (constantly sick with something, no drive to do anything, homebody).

 

He does like to go to the gym and likes going in the early evenings - which has become another thing I have messed up. Since I have been in the picture, he doesn't 'get to go' like it wants to. He is able to go at anytime during the day, which I have asked why he doesn't and he got defensive, so I never brought it up again.

 

Everything in his past does not mean he should project any of it onto you.

 

 

He shouldn't be dating if he is that messed up.

It doesn't sound to me as if he takes any responsibility for his (likely) part in any of his past relationships breaking down, sounds like he also just doesn't take responsibility for himself full stop pretty much. Where is his integrity?

 

 

He has a choice when he goes to the gym. Sorry but that cannot be 'your fault' every single day of the week. He has chosen not to go but again he is blaming you for it and not taking any responsibility for his choice.

I mean, do you or have you ever, even just once freaked out if he is at the gym for an hour or two in the early evening and you can't contact him?

[caregiver218]

He has a choice when he goes to the gym. Sorry but that cannot be 'your fault' every single day of the week. He has chosen not to go but again he is blaming you for it and not taking any responsibility for his choice.

I mean, do you or have you ever, even just once freaked out if he is at the gym for an hour or two in the early evening and you can't contact him?

 

Never once!!! As I value my time at the gym or girls night out, etc. I am into fitness and health, so if anything, I push for him to get out (take the dogs for a walk together, hike, go to the gym, etc)

 

The first five days we started seeing each other (from the day we were introduced, we were always together - we both just fell into place and wanted that, I guess) but he kept his normal gym time. That just meant we didn't see each other until after 7:30-8 each night (which was working well). He called one morning to ask what I thought about him going to the gym in the mornings so we could start spending more time together. Of course, I was very excited and thought that was very thoughtful. But that didn't work. So I honestly do not know if he has even been to the gym anymore.

[GemmaUK]

Never once!!! As I value my time at the gym or girls night out, etc. I am into fitness and health, so if anything, I push for him to get out (take the dogs for a walk together, hike, go to the gym, etc)

 

The first five days we started seeing each other (from the day we were introduced, we were always together - we both just fell into place and wanted that, I guess) but he kept his normal gym time. That just meant we didn't see each other until after 7:30-8 each night (which was working well). He called one morning to ask what I thought about him going to the gym in the mornings so we could start spending more time together. Of course, I was very excited and thought that was very thoughtful. But that didn't work. So I honestly do not know if he has even been to the gym anymore.

 

 

No...I didn't think you had an issue with it. Just a hunch!

 

 

There you go then - it was his idea and now he has turned it about onto you.

 

 

Get doing that reading and fast.

If he is not contacting you then just quit all contact and take it as leeway for you to make an easier exit.

 

 

Don't feel any guilt. Him blaming you is just exactly the same as where he has blamed every other girlfriend, blames the death of his Mum and everything else he blames for how he is now.

 

 

Disclaimer:For the record and to all I have a lot of empathy for those who have lost close ones as I lost my Mum when I was 17 and my Dad when I was 33. It cannot rule your life though and it is not (in my book) any reason to treat not pick yourself up nor a reason to treat a partner with any disrespect.

[caregiver218]

I have been researching and reading up on these issues. In doing so, I have been enlightened on a previous 6 month relationship I had. That guy was the prime example of a NPD. The honeymoon stage where he was a surreal prince charming, to moving thru the stages of emotions/relationship quickly, to changing in a blink of an eye just out of the blue. I ended that relationship right at six months, walked away with no contact.

Everything I read was that guy to a T, it was like someone had written these things up from my six months with that man. Wish I had known about these issues with that man.

 

My current BF (which he never calls me his GF, but it is still early and he has been so hurt before)…but he is nothing like the previous guy that had EVERYTHING on the list of NPD.

 

Current BF started out being himself, the good the bad the ugly. There was no prince charming, no mask. Which is what I like. I like honest people, not people that act good just to get you and then change in a few months.

 

I am NOT defending him or his actions, but I am trying to see the good and hate to see someone suffer. I do dislike his issues and I am strong and confident and know my values so it doesn't get me down much. I also know, you can not help someone who doesn't want help or see a problem with themselves. (Which is just beyond me)

 

The more I think on the issue, the more I wonder if all of the common interests we have will ever manifest into us doing them together. (In the three months, we have done very little of what I would like,, it is always helping him with something because 'no one else will help') - It bothers me and I will ask about it and when I do, we will do something or he says we will, just to have those plans changed because he needs to do something and of course, I am there to help because in my eyes at least we are together.

[caregiver218]

Get doing that reading and fast.

If he is not contacting you then just quit all contact and take it as leeway for you to make an easier exit.

 

The day after the blow up, I tried to call, no answer. When I arrived at my office, I sent a quick 'good morning' text and asked if he slept well and was feeling better (he had been not feeling so well). He replied, 'I feel good. Thanks for asking.' To which I replied, 'Have a morning full of meetings, but my afternoon free. Want to have lunch, my treat.' And his response, 'I can't today'.

Which he owns a company and comes and goes from his office when he wants and usually does a lot of his work from his home or local coffee house.

 

Later that afternoon, I sent him a meme I thought he would find amusing (trying to lift his spirits) and he replied with jabs at me, about the type of men I like, etc. So I didn't reply back.

((Not certain where he comes up with the type of man I want in my life, since I haven't dated many but they have all been completely different in looks, style and background).

 

Later that same night, I knew he had his kids and I am usually with them, so tried to call, no response. Sent a quick text to tell them I said hi and sent a document file that he had previously offered help with. Around 9:30 his reply was (regarding only the document) 'just try to rewrite it'. Sigh.

 

This is why I am confused and hurt because he is so distant, when we had been so great for weeks!!

 

Yesterday, I knew he had a day trip planned with his friend (who I enjoy spending time with and the fact he seems to help my BF calm his mind). So I sent a good morning text (knowing he wouldn't answer his phone) and a funny travel meme (he loves memes and funny graphics). A few hours later, he sent, 'That's right' - regarding the picture.

I didn't reply and haven't since.

I know he has his kids this weekend, which I am usually included and there for everything. That is a little upsetting too but I am not calling or texting.

Edited April 4, 2015 by caregiver218

[SoftViolin]

OP, even the warning signs of expressed irritation, jealousy, etc. aside, you seem mismatched even on the lifestyle/approach to life level.

 

It is very difficult, I know from personal experience, to be a positive, glass half full person, and be with someone who concentrates on the negatives, dwells on his past bad experiences, and is afraid of even worse ones coming in the future. There is usually very little that you can say, or do, or address by taking care of them for that matter, because that's how they choose to view their life - and until they make a conscious choice to change that, you will continue to feel used and inadequate, because all your attempts are not yielding results.

 

Their next step is to start showing you that it's not them, it's you. And hence the irrational accusations of missed gym time and other things in their schedule they are foregoing for you. They are changing their life and sacrificing something for you (even though they have full control over what they do), but now you are left feeling guilty and the cycle starts all over again. At some point you'll have to be the one to break out of it, because it's neither fair nor healthy for you.