Borderline Posted April 4, 2015 Posted April 4, 2015 This is a really long, and complicated story, so bare with me guys! Here it goes- I was dumped by my girlfriend of a bit over a year, going on two weeks ago. This is not the first time we have broken up, but admittedly, things are just different this time around. We had an excellent relationship, it was one of the most mature and caring relationships I have ever had, nothing else in my past even compares. The catch here is that it was a long distance relationship, like a really long distance relationship (I in US and she in Ireland) - It was totally unintentional - I had been on a dating site for a while, and after a few crappy dates and a bunch of weirdos I got bored looking for someone. I wondered what the girls in Ireland looked like, but didn't even DREAM of starting anything with someone that far away... until I saw her. And her profile was just, the epitome of everything I had ever tirelessly searched for - Of course I am hopeless romantic and think everything must be a sign, so I reach out to her and the rest is history. Things were great, she was really compassionate with me (I have borderline personality/panic disorder/depression) Which makes me super possessive, super insecure and super crazy. Finally, someone who accepted me as I was. Let me just say, I am NOT an easy person to be with, although I always actively put in the effort to better myself and acknowledge patterns within my behaviors, which helps, but still, makes me far from a dream to deal with. Anyway, fast forward to our first meet up, I went there - things were great. I felt like we didn't have much time, but we enjoyed it. I don't think I realized this until a few months after, but something seemed to be missing in our connection. I grew a bit distant in the following months, I was so unsure of things and feelings. I really wasn't sure what to think, and instead of talking to her about it, which is all she ever wanted from me, I clammed up, so afraid of saying something that might have final consequences when I was still so unsure of where I was even at. I needed some time to think and sort out what ever was going on, but instead of speaking up and saying that, I ended up burning myself out trying to assure her I was fine and everything was fine. Our next meet up was fast approaching, and I was so looking forward to some resolution. I thought, maybe I was just protecting myself or something because we had this great time when together and then had to part and wait a few months until being together again, and it hurt! Well, our next meet up was a disaster (emotionally). The first few days were great, I was so happy to be with her etc, but very quickly I began to feel estranged from her. I felt a total disconnect, I questioned if I even loved her that way anymore. She is very intuitive and she knew something was way off, but it wouldn't have been hard to guess. I opened up to her while here, and it was very emotional for me. I just told her the truth - I had no idea what I was feeling, and why I was feeling this way! Things were weird between us the rest of the time up until a few days before she was leaving, and it began to hit me, that I lost out on all this time and that I WAS going to be sad when she left, and I WAS going to miss her. Upon parting again, it did make me sad, and I did miss her. After she returned, we didn't really talk about our time together and what happened... which was weird. I was surprised that she hadn't inquired or wanted to discuss what was going on. The weeks rolled on and things were just... off. I had all of this guilt on top of everything else I was feeling (confusion, uncertainty) because all I wanted to do was reach out to her and tell her how I was feeling, but because I was so unsure of how exactly I was feeling, I never could. How much sense would it have made for me to say "I don't know what I am feeling, but I am off with everything" ... I was so terrified of destroying this beautiful foundation we had formed on trust and genuine caring for one another. So, regrettably, once again I left it as is. And before I knew it I was cutting our calls short, and wanting to spend more time alone. Finally it came to a head, and she asked me what was going on, and did I love her, and was I attracted to her etc which totally broke my heart that I had made her feel the need to even ask me that. I was honest and I said I didn't know. I wanted to love her, I knew that much, she was everything I ever wanted in a partner and I loved what we had together (the way we could talk etc) but it felt like sparks were missing or something, and I told her all of this very honestly. (I am used to a very different kind of love, any time I was in love before, it was deep and intense and there were 'sparks') I questioned things so much because, these sparks used to be there when we first met, but then they went away so gradually until there were no more. Inevitably, she initiated a break up, sort of - it ended up that I probably worded things poorly and she took what I had said at that time as I wanted to break up, which of course I didn't realize, I thought she wanted it. I didn't want to make any decisions, but I felt this was killing her and I would have felt selfish asking her to stay, so I didn't and let her go. I cried terribly, I felt the sadness but I tried to sort myself out and figure out if I truly was IN love with HER, or if she just happened to possess every quality I wanted in a partner. Days later I was really feeling her loss. And I decided I wanted to be with her, even if that was all I knew at the time! It took a lot of talking and a lot of clarifying on my end about things said and unsaid, but we reconciled. And things were a bit rocky after this, not that we fought but there was this big major thing between us (aside from the ocean) the break up really shifted things, and in a matter of a few weeks she broke it off again. Only this time I did fight, and damn hard. This break up was a few weeks and that time away made me realize that I DID love her, I was IN LOVE with her, there were sparks and connection, it was sad that it took her really going away for me to realize that, but it did. And during this break up, I was able to determine that I had fallen into a 'funk' as I do battle with depression, and I got myself back into therapy the minute I concluded this. It took me a lot of hard work and a huge hail mary to get her back (we had been planning another meet up before this, and amongst the break up, I spontaneously bought the ticket), but I managed to get her back, and get us back to a really great place. I knew we needed time together again, ALONE! Which btw we did not have last time when things got crazy, as we took a trip away with my family. And sure enough, that third meet up did the trick. It was everything we needed, I could feel her again, the sparks were all there and we were full speed ahead! We celebrated our 1 year anniversary on that get away, and in the months following began to discuss living together. I was to move there, she was happy there, and I was unhappy here, simple as that. Things were going really good, until our next meet up right after Christmas - she came here again. I still felt good about us, although I did have my doubts in between but I was back in therapy and able to sort through my issues, and I did determine that my depression was being projected into our relationship. Our communication and my willingness to tell her my feelings and trust her with them improved. But her last trip here, well I must have missed the memo but it was a bad time. I thought things were going great! We didn't get to do much unfortunately because I got sick, and then she got sick, so a lot of the time we were house bound :/ - which I am guessing is what made her feel like we weren't "making the most of our time together" ... Well, 4 or so days before she is to leave, she BREAKS UP WITH ME! Totally blind sides me, and I am like, how are we going to do this when you don't even leave for another 4 days?! She insists she will spend the remainder of her trip at a hotel near the airport, and we argued the entire day. Nothing I could say was changing her mind, she was breaking up with me, and she was leaving. Well, she didn't leave, I convinced her to give me us a day, to just chill and talk about things, and she finally let down some of her wall to talk. We went out to dinner and had a nice time, although I felt like I was walking on eggshells the entire time. The next few days were full force, she was going to work through this, she did not want to give up and she wanted to fight. I had some serious trust issues by this point, I know how she gets, and I feared once she returned home, she'd miss me (as she does) and would get so down and sad about us parting (as she does) and all of this would resurface and she would break up with me. I predicted that, but she ASSURED me, swore, promised that she herself would get into therapy as soon as she returned home, and we would work it out. Well, she was home about 5 days, and my prediction came true. She broke it off, again. This is where I sort of took some time for myself. I did not fight this time, I DID assert that I did not want the break up, I wanted to be with her, but I gave her some space. I felt she was going through something and REALLY needed some space, although assured me nothing was wrong, but that she felt this "lack of connection" again, like I was "somewhere else" etc etc and she just could not handle it anymore, that it was breaking her heart. Well, I was at a loss at this point. I did not see how she was feeling this from me, not this time. I was totally drained, and I gave her the space. We ended up talking about a week later, and I talked calmly without seeming needy or desperate, asserting what I wanted from her, and this relationship. We ended up getting back together in mid January. We took a lot from the last break up, and she did determine that she DID need space, but that sometimes we all need some and it's okay to take it, that we don't need to break up every time we need space. We were determined to apply our new lessons to our hopeful relationship. We had intended for me to be moving over in just a few months time from January, I was in the midst of getting everything together on my end, to prepare for the move. But, here I am again, only a few months later. And she has left me. Only, like I said, this time it just feels like it is the last straw for her. She insists again, she has not been able to reconnect with me since January, she still feels like she did when she was here and broke it off. Which is news to me. But talking about this a lot before she actually broke up with me, she seemed so confused. Just days prior to the break up as a matter of fact... She was going back and forth, giving me contradicting answers on how she felt. On one hand, she wanted to fight for this, she wanted to be with me, she did love me. On the other, she was so sure that things just wouldn't change, because they haven't. She says there is a lack of passion on my end, I don't give her the same in return, she feels the disconnect. I confirmed that it is hard for me to manage a life here and give her all of my passion while she is an entire ocean apart, with a 5 hour time difference. It is hard to make time, I work full time, I have responsibilities but I have done my very best ALWAYS, to give her every ounce that I had to give, I was always putting in the effort and making strides to improve and find solutions- even though to hear her tell it, I just sat around and did nothing. I just don't know. But so here is where I am at now - When we broke up this past time about 2 weeks ago, I told her that she can't keep doing this. I have to draw some boundaries for myself, I can't keep doing this back and forth stuff, we're either working on it or we're not. And she agreed, she was confident that it was over. She couldn't reconnect, she HADN'T reconnected, she was tired of her heart breaking, there was no passion and we felt more like really good friends than anything else, and she was giving up. (? what ever that means) I did have a very civil conversation about it with her, I told her I don't want to break up, I want us to be together - I wanted to make sure she understood very clearly how I feel and where I stand, and she did, but insisted it be better this way. I was so drained again, that I began to see a bright side, thinking well, if this is going to happen all the time, as it seems to be becoming a habit, that isn't what I want for myself. And I told her maybe it could be for the better, maybe it just wasn't our time. We did have a lot of obstacles, a lot of distance - there are tons of things I can do with my life here, that I couldn't do if I moved to Ireland. So the first few days of the break up I was okay, I was optimistic. We did end civilly and agreed to stay friends, and did talk a bit here and there after 2 days or so. Nothing major, just checking up and seeing how the other was doing. I had decided I was going to finally move on, and focus on me. I thought a good start would be to go through my room, and pack everything away that reminded me of her, things we accumulated throughout our relationship together/gifts/pictures etc.... well this was a bad idea, because the more I went through the things I had to put away, the more I was reminded of how great we really had it. There was SO much to show for our year + together... so many memories. I began to waiver, and I messaged her the next day and opened up about how unsure I was feeling about things now. She stood her ground, said she won't change her mind but was willing to be here for me, or do what ever she needed to for me to move on. She wanted happiness and all the best for me, and she was proud that I had taken the break up so well. Well, the more she resisted, the more I wavered and almost a week in I began pleading with her (mistake) to reconsider, take some space, do this or that or anything, just fight for it. But she wasn't budging, and I grew more frantic. Things became heated, I was emotional and all kinds of unstable. I felt abandoned, which is the worst fear of a borderline person - it is, literally the end of the world. Needless to say I didn't take things well. I became really jealous, and accusing her of things that made no sense, I was begging and shredding every ounce of dignity I had. This is where things got so bitter between us, and she felt we could not be friends. I pissed her off pretty bad, and she deleted me and began ignoring me. I gave her a few days, and myself, and much more calm and clear I decided to try and talk again. Turns out, I blew it. She was pissed, there was no turning back and now we can't even be friends. I let this last week go by with no word, no nothing. Until today - I really tried not to, but had to message her. See, I've been really doing HORRIBLE. I have lost close to 9lbs in the last week just from stressing and worrying so bad. My anxiety has been through the roof, my emotions are everywhere, I am an absolute wreck. I can't sleep, which is making matters so much worse. So after taking the week to reflect to my best ability (although I feel like death) I really was ashamed with the way I acted. I messaged her today and said so, and without going into TOO much detail, told her I wasn't doing too great and would really like it if we could go back to being friends at least, because I missed having her there to talk to, she was my best friend after all. I didn't want to lose her completely - but she said we could not be friends, I did too much damage, and although she was in pain too, she was sorry I was feeling this way but assured me I will "get there" ... she said not to worry, she doesn't hate me or think badly of me, but what's done is done, and that is pretty much it. So, I decided to respect her wishes right now. And I sent her a really nice message, telling her I was sorry that she felt that way, and wished we could be friends but I can only do what I can do, and to forgive me is entirely her choice. I said I am human, (with lots more emotional issues than most) and I make mistakes, but I own them. I took responsibility, I apologized sincerely, and I told her how all of my favorite memories are ones with her. I gave a few examples of my most favorites, and how I would cherish them always. I also told her that if she ever needed me for anything, I'd always be here for her and she knows where I am. I thought that would be it, but then I got this crazy, intense message! She said that she hates how much she loves me, she hates that she misses me and is always thinking about me and wondering about me every second of everyday, she hates how it has taken every ounce of strength to not contact me, she even hates that she understands why I lashed out and hurt her with the things I said and understands why I felt this way, and that she misses my voice and even misses me when I am grumpy. She said she hates everything right now and is so full of hate, (never actually said she hates me though) and that she just had to "get that out" - she said it changes nothing, and that she had to go because she can't deal with this again, and it isn't good for either of us, and she asked me not to contact her again. I did however say that I was sorry she felt this way, and it pains me very much. I told her I think of her every second too and it has been near impossible not to message her and that it is extremely hard on me too, and I wish I could just be with her right now. I actually expected a reply, but I got none. So, I left it that and intend to leave it at that... at least for a while. She needs to take some time to heal too, and if she wanted to talk with me she would, I don't want to disrespect her wishes, especially if I am making it hard for her to move on by messaging her out of the blue like that. I don't want her to move on, but she deserves to be happy, even if it isn't with me and I don't want to keep her from doing that because, that isn't love. It hurts like hell but.... I guess, my question here is - is there hope? I mean, things are so much different than any of the other times, even if this has proven to be a pattern. I may be delusional, but I actually feel a lot better since I got that message. Because I would rather her hate me than not care at all - I always affirmed that you cannot hate someone without loving them A LOT! ... So her emotions are raw, and still very much there. In the past, I have usually given her the space before fighting for her, and she has always been the one to make her way back in, usually by messaging me first, trying to make small talk and see how I am. Is this time different? She is all over the place, and I am inclined to believe she isn't even sure if she means it when she says it's done for good. Completely delusional, or is this totally still possible (in time) ?
whichwayisup Posted April 4, 2015 Posted April 4, 2015 Anytime you feel the urge to contact her, come here and post what it is you want to say to her. Your relationship with her is over, you both are hurting and have gone back and forth too many times. It's frustrating for both of you and of course the distance doesn't help things. LDR are hard to sustain to begin with, so breaking up and knowing if she changes her ID's online, number etc, she disappears for good and you can't find her. Or vice versa. The emotional damage you've been suffering because of it is not good. Time for you to let her go and grieve the loss. Cry it out, journal your feelings, even seek counseling to help you cope with this in a healthier way. Losing so much weight isn't good! Reach out to your friends and family, rely on them a bit more to help you through this. Get busier, instead of being on the computer, be active and join a sport that you love. Go out with friends, try new hobbies, anything to keep you busy and distracted for a while. Give yourself a certain amount of time each day to grieve, then pick yourself up and do something fun.
Author Borderline Posted April 4, 2015 Author Posted April 4, 2015 I really do want to take this opportunity to do things for myself. I don't want to sit here in purgatory waiting to see if she comes back. I just wish I knew, and even though she is telling me I don't know when to believe. I dont have the desire to date, so that won't be a problem but I do want to get out and keep busy. The problem is that I have no energy, no desire. I feel so weighted by this. Literally, my body feels like its harnessed to a tank that I lug around with me every where I walk. I'm exhausted because I can't sleep and my anxiety is so bad I want to curl up and day. Getting out and doing all these things I might like to do just seems impossible right now. I went to see a friend yesterday and I was so depressed sitting there I couldn't even find anything to say or talk about. I have this horrible feeling in my gut all day long, the stress is affecting me physically and it's terribly uncomfortable.
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