How often do you talk to your Ex?

[ginag]

Question: How often do you talk to your Ex's?

 

My BF talks to his ex (they are separated with 2 kids) everyday sometimes 3 times a day. I understand that you have to communicate when you have kids, but everytime she calls his cell or I see her number on the phone I see red and get so mad. I can't understand why I get mad and that's why I posted here.

 

My parents are still together and I have no children. My BF and I have been together for 2 1/2 years and I have yet to meet his kids.

 

After reading some of the posts about divorce/separation and kids I respect him for not wanting to confuse the kids.

 

I just don't feel that I will ever be a real part of his life though. He talks to her all the time; they spend holidays with her family and together. They travel to sporting events for the kids together. Yet he says they will never get back together. He says he wants to be with me and that he's trying to make his kids life as normal as possible.

 

Is anyone in the situation of being good friends with their ex and having a BF/GF?

 

I am jealous of a person that I have never met and can't seem to get over the anger. Can you imagine when and if I do ever meet her?!? Maybe I'm jealous because she has a part of him that I will never have? I think of all the good times they had with the kids and it seems to continue this now.

 

Will I ever fit into his life? They will do holidays and everything together probably til the kids are old and where does that leave me?

 

Please help...

[tiki]

Originally posted by ginag

My BF and I have been together for 2 1/2 years and I have yet to meet his kids.

 

No way?!?!

 

I talk to my ex (we have a child together) only when necessary. Sometimes I'll call more frequently to check on him, if he's sick or something is going on.

 

His relationship should be like a business relationship, IMO. There's something obviously not right here!

 

He talks to her all the time; they spend holidays with her family and together. They travel to sporting events for the kids together.

 

Whaaaa? He has no life outside of her???

 

My H talked to his ex ALL the time when we started dating. They were 'good friends'. That came to a screeching halt when she became the uberbitch. And there was no room for her in his life, only their daughter. How can you stay focused on a relationship when you're still up the ex's butt?!?!?

 

I still can't believe you haven't met his kids after 2 1/2 yrs. I mean, come on, I can see not wanting to introduce you to the kids after a few dates, sure...but a couple of years? Soemthing seems screwy to me.

 

Can you set him straight? Have you communicated this to him?

 

Also....a set schedule will cut down on some of the unnecessary calls. And, she's got to be set straight, if not, it'll just continue.

[alphamale]

I have never stayed in contact with an Ex girlfirend or wife after it was over. And I don't intent to change that philosophy.

[westernxer]

Originally posted by alphamale

I have never stayed in contact with an Ex girlfirend or wife after it was over. And I don't intent to change that philosophy.

 

Same here.

[sami]

As often as we may both feel like talking. It depends on the mood and the circumstances.

[Naive]

Originally posted by ginag

Question: How often do you talk to your Ex's?

 

I talk to oneof them every other month and the other ex I talk to is every 3 weeks or so.

[blind_otter]

I have a restraining order against my exBF. My exhusband, who I split up with 2 years ago, I talk to him regularly. He is a good man and he understands me and knows all about my life, who I date, who I hang out with. We used to talk once or twice a week, now it's more like 2-3 times a month.

[tiki]

But adding kids to the mix makes it a totally different story. Makes it harder to have a clean cut, unless someone's a deadbeat parent.

[alphamale]

Originally posted by tiki

But adding kids to the mix makes it a totally different story. Makes it harder to have a clean cut, unless someone's a deadbeat parent.

 

well....duh....that is why i tell everyone not to stay friends with an ex unless they have kids together.

[reservoirdog1]

I speak to my almost-ex-wife as little as possible. There's email correspondence between us most days, but usually on issues related to the kids. I speak to her on the phone about once every other day (short conversations), and see her once per week when we exchange the kids.

 

My BF and I have been together for 2 1/2 years and I have yet to meet his kids. ... He talks to her all the time; they spend holidays with her family and together. They travel to sporting events for the kids together. Yet he says they will never get back together. He says he wants to be with me and that he's trying to make his kids life as normal as possible.

 

Sorry, but that's messed up. While his intentions sound good, come on... they're DIVORCED! He should have introduced you to his kids by now. Kids' sporting events? Fine. But holidays together, and with her family? Uh-uh. That's just weird.

 

Kids are a lot less fragile than he seems to think. By going to such absurd lengths, he's trying to obscure reality from them. The fact is, their parents are divorced. That means two households, no more shared vacations, etc. Or, at least, that's what it SHOULD mean, especially given that he's ostensibly trying to build a healthy relationship with you.

[tiki]

Originally posted by reservoirdog1

By going to such absurd lengths, he's trying to obscure reality from them. The fact is, their parents are divorced. That means two households, no more shared vacations, etc. Or, at least, that's what it SHOULD mean, especially given that he's ostensibly trying to build a healthy relationship with you.

 

True dat!!!

 

If they were going to go about their normal daily lives, [color=red]why be divorced[/color]?

[GirlDown]

i don't talk to my exes. ever.

 

they are my exes for a reason.

 

if you don't start out a relationship as friends, there's no need to be friends afterward. not for me anyway.

 

and yes, kids make it difficult, but in your case, this guy doesn't even sound like he's really divorced.

[Yikes]

As little as possible.

[Mz. Pixie]

I'm with Yikes, as little as possible but since we still have little people together it's probably once a day or every other day. Usually by emails or text messages though.

[Donut]

I like to keep things on a friendly note, if possible, in case of bumping in to each other. But I don't have an active friendship with any of them.

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

We've been separated 3 months and we still talk almost every day. We only talk about organizing our schedules and transfer of our 2 kids' and their items back and forth since we share custody 50-50. We do update each other on what is going on, but that's just out of habit, and it has only been 3 months.

 

IMO I think 2 years is a long time to be in a relationship and having not yet met his kids. My kids met my boyfriend (I've been dating him for 7 months) although they aren't quite sure he's my "boyfriend". He helped with some handywork in my new house, but they are also not dumb and sometime this summer we will be doing things together with the new bf.

 

I doubt that my communication with the ex bothers my bf. He has no kids but he understands and would not have put any pressure on me to meet the kids. Even if was 2 yrs I don't think he would, but that would bother me and I would think he wasn't interested in meeting them.

 

Do you ask him about the kids? Do you show an interest in being a part of their lives? I did make it very clear early on in the relationship that whoever I end up with has to love me and my kids as a package deal.

 

His ex is always going to be around because of the kids, but you should also be "around" IMO.

[RecordProducer]

My ex and I split 4 years ago and been divorced since 1.5 years ago. He sees the children quite often so we talk on the phone a few times a week, but only about the kids. Our conversations are friendly, but no closeness involved whatsoever. Before we used to spend some time together with the kids (we'd have coffee together while the kids would play) and he even used to come to my place to see them (my mom was around too) when they were sick. But basically we have nothing together except the kids and I would never stand in between him and his GF if he had her, just like he doesn't stand between me and my BF.

For about one year after we split our relationship was very negative, we totally ignored each other and even fought sometimes. In the next year we were cold to each other and very official in our communication. Then we gradually started feeling more comfortable in each other's presence and when I had my first relationship (1.5 years ago), we started acting friendly. It's normal for two people who split to be very angry at each other. Being close friends and family right after the separation is not normal. But it's been 2.5 years for your BF and things are still "perfect."

The fact that he hasn't introduced you to his kids tells me that he is not YET serious with you. It's probably due to the fact that he is not divorced yet.

Him going to family reunions with his ex is unbelievable! She is probably using him to make her company and he lacks spine. But it's also his fault, because he lets things go like that, although he has a new GF for 2.5 years.

If I were you, I would tell him that it's time for him to stop seeing his ex. That also excludes hanging out with her when exchanging kids. He needs to be more formal and official with her and absolutely not go out or travel with her. You also need to meet his children. After all, you might not get along with them and in that case he might leave you. If you ask me, if the kids don't accept you, it will probably be the end of the relationship. Because if he were madly in love with you, he wouldn't be handling things the way he is.

He wants his kids to have both their parents equally and do everything together like they did when they were married. But he doesn't want to live with his wife and it suits him to have you as a GF on aside. Unless you cut the root of it (and it's been time after 2.5 years), she will always stand in between you and you will always stand in between them (always would be the next few years - by then you will get tired of the relationship).

The ideal option would be that he only sees his kids and is friends (not family) with his ex. He should be devoted to you if he truly loves you.

He might even get back to his wife eventually and you've wasted precious time and emotions on him. But he probably won't.

You have three options. 1) stay patient until the divorce is finalized; 2) insinuate here and there that you don't like him being so close to his ex-wife and that you should meet his kids; and 3) threaten that you will ditch him if things don't change, and he can call you when he puts his life in order IF you're available by then.

Personally, I wouldn't have the patience, I would choose the third option. Don't forget that a man who loves a woman will do ANYTHING for her. After all, you are not asking him to not see his children, but only his wife.

I would also like to warn you about something that is not yet on your life's "menu." My ex-husband had a daughter from his first marriage (her mom died) and she and I had a very hard time to accept each other. Actually we never did and she was the reason for our divorce. Of course in our case, we had a 3-sided bad story. First, my ex expected me to replace her mother and take care of her (she was only 18 months old when we started living together), which was not fair from him. She was HIS daughter and he had no right to treat me as a full-time baby-sitter. So the first problems started when he realized that I couldn't do it, although I tried. I was in love and pregnant and wanted a romantic fairy tale, and found myself in a cheap drama where I played somebody's servant. I, who was educated, well rounded, full of life, young, and good-looking, got stuck with a low class man who criticized my cooking and changing his daughter's diapers while I was hungry for love and fun. I was only 23 and he was 35.

Secondly, his daughter was - and still - is a very difficult child (she is 8.5 now). She always wanted everyone's attention for herself, was always in a grumpy mood, yelling if she doesn't get everything she wanted, etc. And thirdly, I am just not a kid person (when it comes to other people's kids).

On the other hand, my current BF loves my kids and spends a lot of time with them (we are in a long-distance relationship though) and they absolutely adore him (they prefer his company to their father's).

You won't have to live with his kids if you marry him, but if they piss you off, it will create a terrible gap between the two of you, because they might PISS you off, but it will HURT him. So while you'll be able to forgive him, he won't be able to get past the pain you might cause him if he sees that you don't like his children. The tension will cause fights and jeopardize your marriage. Of course, that is only IF you don't get along with his children.

So you need to immediately meet his kids and see how things develop. The younger the children the better the chances that they will accept you as a part of their father's life. So time doesn't run in your favor.

I have a few questions for you. Did you start dating him before or after he split with his ex? Why did he leave her? When will he be officially divorced and why isn't he divorced by now?

Do you generally like kids, do you enjoy playing with other people's kids? How old are his children? Do you feel uncomfortable when he talks about them?

[brashgal]

Due to the kids we talk maybe twice a week, more some weeks, less others - depends what is going on with the kids. I try to communicate by email if possible - less emotion, less discussion - clean, crisp and clear.

 

Frankly I'm surprised he found time to meet you - almost seems like he's having an affair with his ex to me. Weird.

[Merin]

Damn!

 

If I had been dating a guy for 2 years and still had NOT met his kids.. I wouldn't still be dating him.. sorry.

 

While I understand he doesn't want to confuse his kids.. isn't 2 years long enough for this guy to know IF YOU'RE going to be in his life? Uh.. Merin thinks so.

 

My EXH and I don't talk every day.. sometimes only once or twice a week and thats to say "Let me put them on the phone" we share 2 little kids and for real.. LOL we still don't talk to one another...

[ginag]

Thank you for all the emails. I have no contact with my ex's (even my exhusband) and that's why I can't get over the amount they talk to each other. Understanding though that they have children.

 

To answer your questions:

 

- we started dating shortly after they split up (it was her decision to break up)

- they are just separated; not divorced and I think it's because he doesn't want to rock the boat (I'm in no rush to get married so I figure it doesn't really matter if it's official)

- I love kids (not sure if I want my own) and have godchildren and I'm an Auntie to many kids

- His kids know my name and that I am a friend

- I asked all the time to go to the park and out to McDonalds or whatever and he would just tell me to be patient

- He tells me that I would be great with them but it's not the right time yet (I'm wondering if he's waiting until she finds somebody else??)

- I think she has control over the situation and he is afraid to make a change fearing she would not let him see the kids as much as he does

- It does feel like I'm having an affair but I just try to think of all the things he says to me and the good times we have; he is a very honest person and would tell me if he was thinking of getting back with her.

 

I know 2.5 years is a long time but I love him and want to be with him. I guess I'm gonna have to suck it up and ask him about our future together. I'm not good at dealing with emotional parts of a relationship and don't want him to back off or feel pressured. I believe that over time I will meet his kids and enjoy them immensely. I just don't like him chatting and having a good time with his so-called ex-wife. I guess I will just have to ask him "what do you talk about with her in the car enroute to hockey or on the phone at lunchtime".

 

Thanks again for your help.

[tiki]

Originally posted by ginag

they are just separated; not divorced

 

....and there's your problem. They are still married.

 

I'd lay down the law (if you feel this strongly about this) and if he can't comply, boot him. I'd be curious to see if he went running back to his 'wife'.

[Scott S]

Originally posted by ginag

Question: How often do you talk to your Ex's?

 

[sNIP]

 

Is anyone in the situation of being good friends with their ex and having a BF/GF?

 

I am jealous of a person that I have never met and can't seem to get over the anger. Can you imagine when and if I do ever meet her?!? Maybe I'm jealous because she has a part of him that I will never have? I think of all the good times they had with the kids and it seems to continue this now.

 

Will I ever fit into his life? They will do holidays and everything together probably til the kids are old and where does that leave me?

 

Please help...

 

Every situation is different, of course.

 

With my ex, there were no children involved, making for a much cleaner severance, such as it was. Nevertheless, it still was a difficult ordeal.

 

I have not had contact with my ex since 1993, but a couple years ago, Gina did a Google search of my name, and one of the hits was for a message board on Prairie Home Companion's site from my ex. It read that she (my ex) hoped I had found happiness, & that she was sorry she made me so unhappy. We (Gina & I) weren't sure what to make of that, as all this time I assumed she was happily involved in her new relationship.

 

But I digress. Back to your issue.

 

First, assuming his motives are pure, I would commend him for his efforts to minimize the impact on the children. A significant part of that effort requires remaining on amicable, or at least civil terms with the ex.

 

On the other hand, your being his SO certainly entitles you to due consideration as well. It is not reasonable for him to expect you to remain marginalized as you describe.

 

So, it appears you need to communicate your feelings, & make it clear that you are not willing to be in a part-time relationship.

[Un Reg]

I am an ex w/2 children. My husband & I were together for 16yrs. When he decided to leave i never thought i could be his friend but much to my surprise 6months later(after seperation)& here we are going to dinners,attending family get togethers,parties,etc.. I often wonder if he is in a somewhat serious relationship and if she knows how much time he spends w/us?? I am in a serious relationship myself (but thats another story all together).We both know we have moved on but prefer to keep our personal lives to ourselves. My ex calls me all the time, we get along fine BUT...I donnot want to go back to him. I feel as if we failed our children by our failing marriage so to make it up we do the best we can to make them feel secure and loved by both.After 2 1/2yrs that you have been dating this man & still have yet to meet his children..my opionion would be that not only is he trying to protect his children but also his ex. I am sure he loves you and wants to be with you or he would be back with her by now...Right...unless...he has attempted to rekindle the marriage and she is unwilling to take him back??? I am not a relationship expert but you should be very honest w/ your b/f and let him know how much this bothers you, if he truly loves you then he will do what he needs to do to make you comfortable.

[MassiveAtom]

As little as possible.

 

But I still miss my ex-wife.....

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

......I guess I SHOULD sign up for that maksmanship class!!!

 

 

[Devildog]

As little as possible.

 

But I still miss my ex-wife.....

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

......I guess I SHOULD sign up for that maksmanship class!!!

 

 

 

Dang, you are lucky I finished reading that post. Thought you might need some wake up call.

 

300 yards with open sights. One bullet. all I'm sayin.