PinkDotsXOXO Posted April 3, 2015 Posted April 3, 2015 Thank you in advanced to everyone for their help & sorry for such a long post! My boyfriend and I have been dating for two months. Besides for this one issue I have no complaints. He treats me better than I have ever been treated by anyone (even in my longest relationship of 7 years) and we have a lot of fun together, have a lot in common and have formed a deep connection in the short time that we have been together. When we started dating I was aware that he was friends with other girls (some of whom he'd dated) but had no problem showing me his conversations with them. I have no problems with any of them except for this one girl who I will call "Ashley". My boyfriend and Ashley slept together before he met me and he wanted to start a relationship with her. Ashley told him she wasn't interested in him but they agreed to remain friends. Ashley continued to text with him and once me and my boyfriend began dating she texted him one night calling herself ugly and begging him to compliment her. (I find this pathetic because we are all 25 years old and shouldn't be acting like teens). He let this continue and eventually told her to stop & then he told her she wasen't ugly. From that moment on I have not been uncomfortable with this girl because. Even though she broke it off with him I feel like she is now interested in him and realizes she made a mistake. He stopped texting her for my sake, but she continued to text him and ask why he hated her and what she did wrong every so often. Finally, I told my boyfriend that I wasen't okay with him talking to her and if he didn't I would break it off with him. He told me that he wasn't going to agree to this ultimatum, and he still wants to be with me and not with her but be able to continue talking to her. I told him i think he has feelings for her which he denies. Yet, he couldn't give me a reason why his friendship with her is so important to him. I feel like he is choosing his friendship with her over me because I told him if we break up I wouldn't remain friends with him which bothered him a lot. Eventually, I told him to just talk to her and neither of us can have restrictions on who we can and cannot talk to. Today, I saw he liked some new pictures she posted on Facebook and she texted him and asked if he would go get a drink with her. He told me he wouldn't go unless she was willing to let me come too. Am I overreacting or is something going on here that should make me reconsider being with him? I am sick of having the same fight with him over and over. Please help!
Vercetti Posted April 3, 2015 Posted April 3, 2015 This is the first time I've ever seen being friends with an EX cause issues in a relationship. He is getting his ego boosted and she is playing games. I'm really shocked Facebook got brought up in the middle of this as well. Drama. Don't like. Ex wanting to get drinks, come on. Please tell me how pretty I am. Some people. If he lacks consideration for you, what does that tell you. You want him and her in your life. Bah.
d0nnivain Posted April 3, 2015 Posted April 3, 2015 I don't like ultimatum's but in this case you have no choice. Problem is, you have set it up as a her or you situation & he's not picking you. If you stay he will always think he can walk all over you. She didn't realize how much she wanted him until you showed her his value. Problem is, he enjoys the attention. 1
Poppyolive Posted April 4, 2015 Posted April 4, 2015 Do not waver from your boundaries. Your First mistake. 2 months should not have this much fight & drama. He's holding on to see which is better. Back to your mistake, stick to your boundary.. Do not be an option. You set your boundary, he didn't except, you bent boundary to work for him, has he compromised with you? Now, he is pushing again with photo likes & drink offers. This is not someone who has your best interest at heart. Walk now with your head held high or endure more heartache & pain. You have a choice.
salparadise Posted April 4, 2015 Posted April 4, 2015 I think you painted yourself into a corner with the ultimatum. If a woman that I had started seeing recently gave me an ultimatum I'd probably reject it too, because the alternative is relinquishing your power and autonomy. You also put him on notice that the two of you are on thin ice and that you'd call it quits if you don't get your way. So Ashely also serves a backup plan. I think you need to back away from the divisiveness and keep him so sexed up for the next few months that he doesn't have the energy to talk to Ashley.
PinkCarnations Posted April 4, 2015 Posted April 4, 2015 I've been in a similar situation, and I allowed the guy to communicate with the ex.. Until eventually, she won him back. I was left in the dust. So please do not agree to go out for drinks with him AND HER - especially because they are NOT platonic. That's just WEIRD, because it's clear she wants him (or his attention, at least). This is NOT a threesome. At this point, I'd say pull back.. A lot. Act like "that's cool if you want to continue talking to her.. I'm going to do my own thing." Don't fight for him or with him about it. Just cut the cord if he decides that's how he wants things to be. Plenty of fish in the sea. 2
kendahke Posted April 4, 2015 Posted April 4, 2015 He told me he wouldn't go unless she was willing to let me come too. That wasn't the right answer. The right answer was: "You're coming if I go", with the emphasis on "if". It's not up to what she's willing to allow, because her answer is going to be "no"--and he doesn't need to seek her permission to bring you. She knows he's with you. He seems to be the one who doesn't know that here. He wants her friendship? Then you need to leave him to it. You're not so far into this that you can't bail--nothing much has been invested at this point and he's pretty much showing you that he's not a good investment of your youth and time. Ashley was his first choice--it's only because she put him down that he's with you. I don't say that to be mean, but to hip you to where he is in this continuum. He's leaping at the chance to be relevant to her, to the detriment and insult to you. You know your worth, dear. Act like you know. 2
katiegrl Posted April 4, 2015 Posted April 4, 2015 I've been in a similar situation, and I allowed the guy to communicate with the ex.. Until eventually, she won him back. I was left in the dust. So please do not agree to go out for drinks with him AND HER - especially because they are NOT platonic. That's just WEIRD, because it's clear she wants him (or his attention, at least). This is NOT a threesome. At this point, I'd say pull back.. A lot. Act like "that's cool if you want to continue talking to her.. I'm going to do my own thing." Don't fight for him or with him about it. Just cut the cord if he decides that's how he wants things to be. Plenty of fish in the sea. You "allowed" him to communicate with her? Who are you his prison warden? Just sayin.. If you're gonna *allow* him to do anything, you allow him to make the decision on his own AFTER you tell him how you feel about it. If he decides to remain *friends* with her, knowing how uncomfortable it makes you feel, then YOU make the decision to walk!
PinkCarnations Posted April 16, 2015 Posted April 16, 2015 You "allowed" him to communicate with her? Who are you his prison warden? Just sayin.. If you're gonna *allow* him to do anything, you allow him to make the decision on his own AFTER you tell him how you feel about it. If he decides to remain *friends* with her, knowing how uncomfortable it makes you feel, then YOU make the decision to walk! Uh.. I'm not the OP here. I meant allowed as in I let the communication happen, as in I didn't actively do anything to stop it. Btw, this was years ago, and I am only referencing this situation to let the OP know the result of a similar predicament.. as in nothing good really comes out of it. I have no idea why you are preaching to me..... Obviously, I learned my lesson after the fact, which is why I gave OP that same advice you are giving me.. 1
DrReplyInRhymes Posted April 16, 2015 Posted April 16, 2015 Reading your post as carefully as I could, It sounds like your boyfriend is doing as he should. He doesn't have to explain his friendship business, but he does, And even if she's fishing for compliments, he nipped it in the butt. He offered to NOT go out with a drink unless you could come along too, I think the other posters read too fast and got it misconstrued, It seems like you're insecure with his friendship with her, He makes it so you're around as well, from what I could infer. Trust is valuable in a relationship, I think we can agree, But as people here will say as well, you do need a boundary, He hasn't broken your trust yet, if he did, you would have mentioned it, So I suggest you give him a break, unless you just want to quit.
melissacus Posted April 16, 2015 Posted April 16, 2015 He sounds like an immature boy who doesn't know his ass from a hole in the ground. Break things off. You'll be kinda hurt for a week or so then get over it. You have better, more suitable options, love.
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