Experiencing Limerence

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Recent experiences have me researching up on my feelings and one of the most poignant things that stood out with me was the subject of limerence.

 

When I start liking someone or someone becomes an object of affection for me, I become obsessed to the point that I experience bouts of depression and go through moments of fantasizing about the future with the person. Every interaction with the person will seem like euphoria especially when I start looking for definitive signs that the other person likes me.

 

Throughout my dating history, I realized I have experienced limerence with people who have adamantly rejected me or with dates whom I fall in love with, but who never reciprocated my feelings. Most recently, I became "obsessed" with a guy who I briefly dated, and who broke up with me but said would remain my friend. I got really upset and started telling him I like him and even at various points in the last month, pursued him, but got shot down every time. I was depressed and when I wasn't around him, I felt as if I couldn't function.

 

Nevermind, I just got out of a 3-year relationship back in January, but my feelings for this guy reached a point where I couldn't focus on my school work or concentrate on other things in my life. The only things that was running in my mind was how to make him like me or wondering how I can convince him to fall for me.

 

I can't even say I like him. He's not my type and is too skinny for me. The only thing that stuck out about him is the fact that he shares similarities with my ex, and I feel like every time I chased him and getting rejected was like my ex rejecting me ( my ex left me for another girl). I feel like this was a projection of my past relationship on this guy and I am subconsciously and unconsciously repeating the same heartbreak again and again.

 

For all of you who say that I need help, I am seeing a therapist once a week, but it hasn't been helpful at all. I still feel depressed and most of the time, this depression stems from a void of being exceptionally lonely from not having anyone to love.

 

Is there any advice for me on how to break away from this addiction of wanting to be with this person? He rejected me again yesterday after I invited him out to play pool. Unfortunately, telling me to avoid him 100% is out of the question since he and I are in the same class during the week. Right now of course, I'm not thinking about him, but I know that if I even talk to him in class, the feelings will come back and I will become a love-sick puppy again.

[Satu]

You do have someone to love, and that person is you.

 

You can't fill the emptiness from outside, not with any person, ever.

 

Healthy relationships can only built if both people are relatively healthy mentally and emotionally.

 

If you feel your counselling isn't going anywhere tell your therapist.

 

Be good to yourself.

[xpaperxcutx]

You do have someone to love, and that person is you.

 

You can't fill the emptiness from outside, not with any person, ever.

 

Healthy relationships can only built if both people are relatively healthy mentally and emotionally.

 

If you feel your counselling isn't going anywhere tell your therapist.

 

Be good to yourself.

 

I know I have to love myself, but it's a process and a concept that I have trouble working on. I have a tendency to look for external validation (looking for someone to love, shopaholic tendencies, and spending money on unnecessary stuff). I also have BPD tendencies wherein, my emotions go up and down; sometimes I feel like I should be on anti-depressants.

 

I like my therapist considering my history where I have jumped from therapists to therapists, and the current one is the only one whom I have been going to consistently. The issue isn't my therapist, its my feelings and I feel like I am drowning whenever I am by myself. I can't stand being alone right now, and it's gotten worse since being dumped.

[Satu]

I admire your commitment to therapy, and also your honesty.

 

That honesty is a very valuable asset.

 

Getting to the point of really loving yourself, isn't always easy, but it's achievable.

 

There's a paradox here, though.

 

Not loving oneself means you can't be alone, but a big factor in learning to love oneself is learning how to be happy alone.

 

********************************

 

From my journal:

 

 

 

Feel the feeling.

 

Be with yourself feeling the feeling.

 

Love yourself for being with yourself.

 

Love yourself for being.

 

********************************

 

All the best,

 

 

Satu.

[Leigh 87]

Continue seeking help.

 

And limerence is important to have at the beginning of a relationship. No one should have to bypass that feeling where you are crazy about your partner.

 

So don't listen to dating gurus or posters who tell you that you should opt to bypass limerence and the deep honey moon stage in favour of a slower burning flame.

 

I think what you need is a break from dating. That's all. Until you can further unpack your feelings and explore the depths of your emotions with your therapist.

 

Get a new therapist if this one ain't working. Seriously..

 

You just need time to learn to enjoy the single life. You seem sad. We don't need the intoxicating feeling in our lives of having a limerent partner.

 

And sadly, the most common unions between men and women involve one limerent partner and one NON limerent. VERY rarely are BOTH partners limerent, much less BOTH limerent AND compatible.

 

So most men you fall for won't feel the same back. And the men who feel limerent towards you, aren't usually going to be men who evokes that " in love " feeling in you

 

If you are going to continue dating you need to get a thicker skin and stop letting it phase you. I get unfrequented crushes all the time that I never write about. I don't mind. They are usually flattered.

[xpaperxcutx]

Continue seeking help.

 

And limerence is important to have at the beginning of a relationship. No one should have to bypass that feeling where you are crazy about your partner.

 

So don't listen to dating gurus or posters who tell you that you should opt to bypass limerence and the deep honey moon stage in favour of a slower burning flame.

 

I think what you need is a break from dating. That's all. Until you can further unpack your feelings and explore the depths of your emotions with your therapist.

 

Get a new therapist if this one ain't working. Seriously..

 

You just need time to learn to enjoy the single life. You seem sad. We don't need the intoxicating feeling in our lives of having a limerent partner.

 

And sadly, the most common unions between men and women involve one limerent partner and one NON limerent. VERY rarely are BOTH partners limerent, much less BOTH limerent AND compatible.

 

So most men you fall for won't feel the same back. And the men who feel limerent towards you, aren't usually going to be men who evokes that " in love " feeling in you

 

If you are going to continue dating you need to get a thicker skin and stop letting it phase you. I get unfrequented crushes all the time that I never write about. I don't mind. They are usually flattered.

 

Hey Leigh,

 

I honestly have no issues with my therapists, it is simply my refusal to take a more proactive stance on my emotional issues that's the bigger issue. I like my therapist. His method of counseling is different from what I have been through before; I would like to stick it out until circumstances makes it impossible for me to do so.

 

I think the problem is that I don't know how to be single. Or alone, for that matter. I have a tendency to run away from problems, and usually I do so with the company of others. When my ex was there, I unloaded my emotional issues on him and smothered him with my insecurities. With the new guy, I enjoyed his attention and I actually felt wanted and needed. Which are wrong. I know I have a lot of issues to work on- I am insecure and I have BPD tendencies. I think people can sense my insecurities a mile away.

 

As for limerence, I think that's the only time when I actually feel alive. Sad isn't it? It feels like if I'm not "in love" with someone, I feel like life isn't worth living for, even though, logically, I know I am a lot to accomplish in life.

 

I think if I just distance myself from men right now, I know I can focus more on myself. I deleted the guy's number so I won't have the need to text or contact him. I feel like a loser for forcing myself on him, he has already rejected me 4x. I think I could be his friend after some time, but right now, I know if I get close to him, I will want become needy again.

[BlueIris]

Limerence is a kind of “high.” Some people love the high so much that it becomes the determinant of their interactions and relationships with the opposite sex. For a while, maybe try to see men as people and not exclusively as a source of giving you a high.

[SerCay]

When I start liking someone or someone becomes an object of affection for me, I become obsessed to the point that I experience bouts of depression and go through moments of fantasizing about the future with the person. Every interaction with the person will seem like euphoria especially when I start looking for definitive signs that the other person likes me.

 

I've had this from the first person I ever liked since I was a little kid. Like an obsession I used to be thinking of them and fantasizing with the same bouts of depression as you say. In my older years this continued, even with the guys I got into relationships with. The limerence disappeared once the relationship started.

 

Throughout my dating history, I realized I have experienced limerence with people who have adamantly rejected me or with dates whom I fall in love with, but who never reciprocated my feelings.

 

Exactly, limerence is more with people that do not reciprocate right away or who never reciprocate. I experience that the limerence tends to be non-existent with people who put their feelings out there from the get go.

 

I can't even say I like him. He's not my type and is too skinny for me.

 

It's not about looks or love with limerence, it's the seeming rejection that makes you experience limerence.

 

For all of you who say that I need help, I am seeing a therapist once a week, but it hasn't been helpful at all. I still feel depressed and most of the time, this depression stems from a void of being exceptionally lonely from not having anyone to love.

 

I'm going to be honest with you, no therapy is ever going to help you cure from limerence and obsession. You know what is? Getting to know yourself, starting to nurture and love yourself, and develop a relationship with yourself that makes the emptiness inside go away. With limerence you're trying to fill a void inside, a void which you think is because you don't have a partner, but in reality this void is caused by your lack of self-love and self-nurture. I recommend you do some soul searching.

 

Is there any advice for me on how to break away from this addiction of wanting to be with this person?

 

Yes, exactly what I said above. It's never about the person, as you've already recognizes, it's a pattern from within yourself. Only you can change it. And it's hard to change it, because you only recognize the pattern when you realize you have it. Then there's the search for what it is you're doing. For me, I only found out about my limerence habit 3 years into an abusive relationship, which was only caused by my limerence obsession in the first place. Read below.

 

 

Papercut, I'm sorry to take excerpts from your post but there were certain parts in there I wanted to reply to.

 

Here's how dangerous limerence can be:

 

As I've already told you, I was a "limering'' person since I was a kid. Until my recent ex it worked out well for me. Either I got into a relationship with the guy, or the guy didn't even notice and I went on to limer elsewhere (haha).

 

Until my ex. My relationship with him was basically the reason I started doing research about myself, in all kinds of ways. Personally I really found Buddhism pratices and beliefs helped me in finding myself and loving myself. Overcoming limerence isn't easy truth be told, but it's possible. Since nowadays, I'm focused on myself most of the time, limerence has little room in my head, and only remains as a habit, which I get rid of the moment I notice myself doing it.

 

Anyway,

 

When I first met my ex, he was a player. It was out in the open. He hooked up with me for sex, and then after a couple weeks of intensive dating, he told me we should get to know each other in the same pace as "normal people date." Basically, he told me we should see each other a lot less than we do now. At that time, which is 6 years ago now, I was naive still, so I believed him at first.

 

But then, when I noticed he was seeing multiple other girls as well and also calling me and hooking up with me a lot less than before, I knew what was up. That's where limerence kicked in. Big time.

 

There I was, totally infatuated with this handsome, witty, intelligent guy, best sex I ever had, who I got along with so good, it was as if I'd known him all my life. And he rejected me, indirectly. At first I thought he would be more into me after a couple dates and it was normal that we weren't exclusive after only a couple months. But it didn't go that way, I realized he had added me to his 'harem' of ladies he sleeps with ocassionally. As a true narcissistic player he was.

 

I played my limerence out smart. I basically manipulated him into a relationship with me. I pulled all the manipulation tricks on him, for example cat and mouse and making him jealous and then eventually, putting him to an ultimatum: either it's a relationship or he never sees me again. By then he was too hooked to let me go.

 

Look where it got me. The relationship lasted 4 years but I messed with the wrong dude...yep. Totally devestated, isolated, alone and heavily abused by this narcissist "outmanipulated" into a relationship.

 

Good thing? During this bad time I finally got to know myself. If it weren't for this bad relationship, I would probably never do any research, and continue the cycle I was in for the rest of my life. Everything happens for a reason.