rockthefaces Posted April 3, 2015 Posted April 3, 2015 My relationship is such a mess right now. And a big part of it is my fault, I know. But I'm at a point at which I feel like it's ending. And it sucks. And I feel like both of us can see it, but neither of us is capable of pulling the trigger. I don't know what I'm looking for, here. just an outlet, maybe. I'll try to make the long story as short as possible: My girlfriend and I have been together for about a year and 9 months. For the past 7 of those months, we'd been looking to May 1st as the time we were going to move in together. I'd always said I was into it...and I meant it. But as the time grew closer, I started to feel some very strong doubts. In February, I started to feel very strongly that I couldn't do it, that I wasn't ready, yet...so I told my girlfriend that. That I needed more time. That there were a couple serious issues we had (more on that in a second) that I felt we needed to iron out first, or at least find better ways to communicate on, and that I also was feeling like I just wasn't ready to lose having my own space (I've always been a slow mover - the last woman I lived with and I were together 3 years before moving in). This was a devastating blow to her. She is 100%, no doubt, absolutely ready to take this step. And the fact that I had been telling her for months that I'd be ready and then backed out 2-3 months ahead of time has made her feel - justifiably and understandably - betrayed and misled. I didn't mislead her intentionally - it's not like I was sitting there the whole time thinking I wouldn't be ready and telling her otherwise - but I know that I did mislead her, and I feel terrible about it. I should have spent more time in reflection earlier on to explore the things that would hold me back from taking that leap. But I didn't, and so this is where we ended up. I feel so much remorse for that and have apologized profusely, but she says she now feels like, because of this, she can't believe anything I say, that my word means nothing, that she can't trust me at all. And this is a problem, because trust is the biggest issue that we had in our relationship, from my point of view. She is very insecure, and it is very hard for her to trust, whereas it's something I give freely. It created this imbalance and this feeling on my part that I was never good enough - that, no matter what I did, all the ways I showed her I loved her (by her own admission, I was very good to her), she would never fully believe that I loved her, that I was and am committed to her, that I would always have to be proving myself, which made me feel uncomfortable and unsafe. This was going on long before I actually gave her a reason not to trust me by having a change of heart about what it was that I wanted to do in the short term. We have been going to couples counseling since that time in February, and I have brought this up. And her response, when I express concerns, when I say that I felt not trusted in the relationship, and inadequate, (I generally try to shy away from accusatory language), is to basically say, "Get over it." "Man up." Etc. I feel like we're in a situation in which I'm supposed to accept every explanation she has for what she feels and the way she behaves, but she won't extend me that same courtesy. I'm sure that's because she's hurt, and afraid. And here's where what feels like the last straw comes in: I very much want to make her feel not hurt and afraid. I want us to be together, to work on the things we have to work on and better and deepen our relationship. I'm just not ready to cohabitate at this moment, especially considering the hellstorm of arguing and intense emotion that's been going on over the past month. But, for her, right now, the *only* thing I could do to regain her trust, to show her that I love her, would be to take that leap. She has said pretty much exactly that. It feels like such a massive catch-22. So, why don't I just agree to move in? Because I feel like agreeing to move in when I'm not ready, just to give her what she wants, is absolutely not the healthy way to go into that. I have done that before, swalllowed feelings and concerns and just gone along, and it was a recipe for disaster. It is a habit I am desperately trying to get away from in relationships. When I move in with someone, when I get engaged, when I take these steps, I want it to be because I am excited and into it, because, whatever reservations I might have (and I don't expect to *ever* feel 150% reservation-free when it comes to big steps like this), I'm ready to jump in with both feet. Do I feel like I could get there with her? Yes, I think so. But that is just not where I am at this time. So, here we are. On pages that feel diametrically opposed. I feel like the end of this thing is staring us in the face. She wants something right now - totally legitimately, totally understandably - that I can't give her right now - and my reasons, whether they make sense to her or to anyone else, are a part of my emotional truth. She has mentioned the possibility of leaving a couple of times, but I get the impression she is saying that more to hear me protest than with any intention of following through with it. She also says a lot that, if I don't want what she wants, I should let her go. I actually got to the point, this past Monday, of saying, "This should be over," but she went into an abject panic and begged me not to leave, said she wouldn't argue, that we'd save our arguments for couples therapy, that she would listen and not push me away with anger. She talked me out of it. And then, last night, she was back to being angry and lashing out at me, again. I know the anger and lashing out is coming because she's in pain. We're both in so much pain. And I feel such guilt because I know I caused it with my change of heart. I don't know. I don't know what to do. I don't know if ending it is the most humane thing to do. I don't know if there's a way to bridge the gap between what I want out of the relationship right now, and what she wants out of it right now, without one or the other of us having to swallow something and developing resentment. I don't know how I can serve both her needs, and my own. I do love her, but the turmoil of the past month has been torture. Sigh. I don't know. Thanks for listening, anyway.
SoftViolin Posted April 3, 2015 Posted April 3, 2015 I am sorry. That sounds like a very tough situation. But what jumps out at me here is you trying to solve this all alone and "trying to serve both needs" - again, by yourself. It needs to go both ways. You both have a role to play in compromising, listening to each other, understanding where the other is coming from and both of you need to be committed to doing that. Sadly doesn't usually work any other way... Good luck!
TigerCub Posted April 3, 2015 Posted April 3, 2015 Hi, I gotta say, reading your story made me mad. Couple of things: #1. You did the right thing by not going through with the move in if you weren't ready. #2. You were thinking at some point that moving in would finally show her that you really do love her and that it might help her insecurities, but it wouldn't because next will be marriage and after that will be babies and whatever.. so really how far and how much of you life would you do on her rules to finally reassure her? #3. It's not your job to fix her. I understand that she's insecure and you love her, but you shouldn't be the factor that fixes that - because you can't and you wont. She needs to fix herself and work on her issues. #4. She says you should 'let her go' that statement pisses me the **** off! I hate when people use that statement - like what you're holding a gun to her head, or keeping her tied up in your basement, adults are capable of making their own choices and walking the **** out on something that they don't want to be a part of anymore. It pisses me off how needy and manipulative she is, and how you MUST do everything she wants or else she's hurt or feels betrayed and misled. When me and my ex were going to live together, I remember a couple of months before the move that I met him for a drink to talk and be sure we were on the same page. I told him again, how I will never be 1 of those girls that moves in with a guy and then keeps saying 'why wont he marry me?' so I told him that I'm moving in with the understanding that we BOTH are thinking marriage is around the corner and an engagement will be withing a year or so - AND I told him very honestly and very calmly that if that freaked him out or if he didn't see that happening to just tell me and that we don't have to move in together yet - I still hadn't given my notice at that point, and it would be fine, honestly and we would just take out time. he looks me in the eye and says 'no, that's totally what I think too' and it wasn't that guy just made my life after the move in so bad that I broke up with him and moved out at the 6 month mark and I would have loved for him to have been honest when I gave him the chance, when I gave him an out - but a lot of people are cowards - so I commend you for being honest and saying that you weren't ready for the move in when you weren't
TigerCub Posted April 3, 2015 Posted April 3, 2015 Don't beat yourself up for doing the right thing. Also you've been dating for 9 months - a move in seems early especially since you're in couple's counseling already (This early on). Maybe you guys need to give counseling more time and see how things improve for the better in the next 6 months or so - if they do. You were being honest - don't feel bad about it. It's better to be honest now than after the move in and having to break up in the same house and move out and do all that stuff.
oldshirt Posted April 3, 2015 Posted April 3, 2015 I have read your other thread. My advice here is for her, you can pass it on to her if you want. My advice to her is to amicably call it a day and go back on the market and find a man that is commitment and marriage material. I'm not saying that you are a bad guy or that you have committed any offenses here, you simply aren't committed relationship material. You are a person that is always going to have you bags packed and have the backdoor open ready to walk away. .........and you wouldn't have it any other way. People who are reasonably attractive and desirable who want to have a marriage, home and family typically do. You are in your upper 30s and employed and are in a band. Your only relationship resume' is cohabitation with one of your band members. And now you are having cold feet, not about marriage and family, but of having your name on the same lease. You simply aren't made of materials that people who have lasting relationships are made of. You are one of those people who needs to have your independence and not be tied down to anything. There's no shame or wrong doing in that, it's just how you are made. Your obligation here however is to accept that and be up front and honest about that. And along with that you have the responsibility to let people go that do need to have a committed pair-bond. It's ok to maintain your independence and freedom, you just have to let others maintain their freedom and independence as well. You can't yoke her to you and ask her to give up her freedom so you can keep yours. You must let her go. It can be civil, it can be compassionate, it can be respectful and without drama, but you have to cut the cords she is trying to tie to you. If you let her stay, you will both be miserable and grow bitter and resentful. If you let her go, you can both find peace and happiness and fulfillment. 4
Author rockthefaces Posted April 3, 2015 Author Posted April 3, 2015 you simply aren't committed relationship material. You are a person that is always going to have you bags packed and have the backdoor open ready to walk away. .........and you wouldn't have it any other way. I don't know that this is true. When I posted that previous thread, I was asking myself a lot of questions about who I was in a relationship. And, after a lot of self-examination, talking to my therapist, etc., I *do* think that I'm capable of commitment. Maybe I move slower than most, and OK, I own that and take responsibility for it. But I do believe I am capable of committing. I just have to be in the right place for it, emotionally. Also, I never cohabitated with my bandmate. I cohabitated with a previous girlfriend. I don't know what you mean in terms of a relationship resume, but I have certainly been in them, a few of them very serious, and not all of them ended by my choice. You can't yoke her to you and ask her to give up her freedom so you can keep yours. I guess I have a hard time with the concept that I am "yoking" her to me. I feel like what I'm doing right now is saying, "Here is what I am able to give you at this time." I'm being honest with her about where I am and what my feelings are and what I want. And then, isn't it up to her to decide if that's acceptable, to walk away if it's not? I almost feel like doing what you're saying is taking away her agency, making a decision for her. No?
thecharade Posted April 4, 2015 Posted April 4, 2015 You are not "bad," but she is not either. Let her go. When you know, you know. You don't want her. Let her find a guy that is willing to commit. 1
kayla73 Posted April 4, 2015 Posted April 4, 2015 You can't fix her insecurities, and you shouldn't have to be walking around on your tippy toes watching what you say around her either. Moving in together is a HUGE step, as you probably already know. Living with someone who is insecure can be a nightmare. In my opinion, the ball is in her court. She either accepts your decision, or she leaves. You have that choice as well though. If she accepts the decision, makes sure she realizes that the "moving in together" talk is over. She accepted it; there's no more reason to bring it up. She can't throw that in your face if the two of you get into an argument in the future. Also, make sure she understands that not wanting to move in together does NOT mean that you do not love/care about her. Go on a short trip or a little vacation with her, if you haven't done so. Try and test the waters of what it would be like to live together. You need to figure out what is causing you to take a step back, and she needs to work on her insecurities/trusting you.
Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646 Posted April 4, 2015 Posted April 4, 2015 OP you have to realize at pivotal moments like this, when one side backs down, the whole relationship takes a hit for the worse. It's like proposing to a woman and she says "No, not yet". 3
katiegrl Posted April 4, 2015 Posted April 4, 2015 OP, you said ...before you move in, you need to be in the right *place* emotionally. What *place* would that be exactly? You say you are not *ready* yet. What would it take for you to be *ready*? And why, up until a few weeks ago, did you feel you *were* in the right place emotionally .... and *were" ready? What happened (within you)...that suddenly made you feel you weren't in the *right emotional place* and weren't *ready*...when for months you were??? This has nothing to do with your girlfriend and your relationship. This is something within YOU. Do you know what that is? Have you thought about that at all?
katiegrl Posted April 4, 2015 Posted April 4, 2015 (edited) Don't beat yourself up for doing the right thing. **Also you've been dating for 9 months** - a move in seems early especially since you're in couple's counseling already (This early on). Maybe you guys need to give counseling more time and see how things improve for the better in the next 6 months or so - if they do. You were being honest - don't feel bad about it. It's better to be honest now than after the move in and having to break up in the same house and move out and do all that stuff. They have been together for one year and nine months.... Edited April 4, 2015 by katiegrl
acrosstheuniverse Posted April 4, 2015 Posted April 4, 2015 Sorry to say this, but I think you may be right, this may be over. Your girlfriend feels betrayed. She was all ready and excited to live together, when you change your mind. Of course you shouldn't move in together unless you are ready, but from her perspective she feels like you don't love her as much as she thought you did, like you deceived her, and she has no idea when, if ever, you'll be ready. If a guy wasn't ready for cohabitation after nearly two years, as a mature adult not a teen, and their reasons weren't financial or something solid they were around not losing their personal space, I would strongly consider whether or not we would ever be living together happily. The girl has started picking out soft furnishing and instead of trying to figure a compromise where you get to live together but still keep some space to yourself (perhaps a spare room just for you) you've told her you don't want to live with her. She likely feels very rejected. I don't see much to salvage here, she's going to be hurt until it's resolved, and the only way to resolve is to live together, keep your end of the agreement, or give her a SOLID timescale where you'll be ready (say, another few months), and hope that she believes you. But when you take a step back in a relationship, the whole thing takes a hit. Doubly so when one party feels deceived. What would you rather happen? Lose your gf and keep lots of space and independence, or lose your personal space but keep the woman you're in love with? Genuine question. When do you see yourself being ready? What does 'being ready' look like for you? Because not many women would keep waiting indefinitely for something as low down on the ladder of commitment as living together. 1
katiegrl Posted April 4, 2015 Posted April 4, 2015 (edited) TBH, I wouldn't trust you either. I mean, for MONTHS apparently you *were* in the right emotional place and *were* ready. Then just weeks before the planned move in date, suddenly you are NOT in the right place and are not ready? You sound commitment phobe and if it were me, I would have ended it with you. NOT because you are not ready to move in yet...but because for MONTHS you led me (her) to believe you were, then suddenly out of the blue you're not. Indecisive, wishy-washy, flakey, ambivalent and emotionally irresponsible behaviors such as this, are not qualities to be admired, or respected...or trusted. You really should have contemplated this further (within yourself) BEFORE leading your girlfriend to believe you were ready for that level of commitment. To not have done that is incredibly irresponsible. As for your girlfriend, SHE needs to let YOU go, not suggest you let her go. Guys like you can go back and forth like this for YEARS...it's hurtful, confusing and frankly cruel. Get your head together and figure out what you want FIRST...before making such promises concerning your feelings and your future together. Edited April 4, 2015 by katiegrl 1
acrosstheuniverse Posted April 4, 2015 Posted April 4, 2015 Just read your thread from a couple months ago. You said this: Background: I've been in a relationship with a woman for about a year and nine months. It has, for the most part, been at the least OK - we get along fine, can generally have a good time together, our sex life is healthy, etc. But I am thinking about ending the relationship. She wants to move in together in a few months, and that potential event has me evaluating the whole thing. There's nothing *wrong* with her, per se - I mean, there are things she does that drive me crazy (she's a hypochondriac and catastrophizer, she's much more dependent in the relationship than I am, she can be fairly negative, and has some big insecurity issues), but I don't know if they're necessarily deal breakers - and she is, at heart, a kind, caring person who obviously loves me a great deal. At the same time, I find myself feeling restless and uncomfortable. I daydream about being single - not because I want to go out and sleep with a bunch of women, but because of the independence of it, the lack of responsibility for someone else's happiness. Bloody end it already. Your relationship is only 'mostly okay', you daydream about being single, and although you're late thirties the idea of living with a partner of nearly two years makes you feel restless and uncomfortable. You are completely wasting her time. Stop trying to force the square peg into the round hole. Let her go. Don't get into another relationship unless you have sorted through your issues with a therapist, you sound like a total commitment-phobe. Doesn't even sound like you actually love her, it sounds as though you really want it work, to prove to yourself you CAN stick something out, but you don't want it in your heart of hearts. Trust your gut. This really is over.
TigerCub Posted April 4, 2015 Posted April 4, 2015 They have been together for one year and nine months.... Thanks. I missed that, thought it was just the 9 months.
katiegrl Posted April 4, 2015 Posted April 4, 2015 Just read your thread from a couple months ago. You said this: Bloody end it already. Your relationship is only 'mostly okay', you daydream about being single, and although you're late thirties the idea of living with a partner of nearly two years makes you feel restless and uncomfortable. You are completely wasting her time. Stop trying to force the square peg into the round hole. Let her go. Don't get into another relationship unless you have sorted through your issues with a therapist, you sound like a total commitment-phobe. Doesn't even sound like you actually love her, it sounds as though you really want it work, to prove to yourself you CAN stick something out, but you don't want it in your heart of hearts. Trust your gut. This really is over. Oh for god's sake...100% agree with acrosstheuniverse....and thank you ATU for reposting that... OP now I don't know what to think. What are you doing...messing with her emotions like this? Just end it already, why aren't you? You like the regular sex? The companionship? If you care about her at call, end it so she can find a man who loves her and *does* have the desire and capability of committing to her. Enjoy your freedom...
oldshirt Posted April 4, 2015 Posted April 4, 2015 (edited) Responses in bold below. I don't know that this is true. When I posted that previous thread, I was asking myself a lot of questions about who I was in a relationship. And, after a lot of self-examination, talking to my therapist, etc., I *do* think that I'm capable of commitment. I'm capable of tackling a pretty big, strong, fast guy but that doesn't make me NFL linebacker material. You may be "capable" of commitment but you aren't doing it and the thought of it is keeping you up in a cold sweat at night and you are shelling out good money and burning up time on a therapist's couch contemplating it. You are what you do, not what you think, feel, know or want. You are in your uppers 30s and have a series of girlfriends but no spouse or life-partner. If you had wanted a serious commitment, you would have had one by now. Again, I'm not saying that you are a bad person or doing anything bad, just that commitment/marriage etc ain't your thang. Maybe I move slower than most, and OK, I own that and take responsibility for it. But I do believe I am capable of committing. I just have to be in the right place for it, emotionally. And what I and some others are saying is that you aren't going to be in the right place for it emotionally because that 'right place' doesn't exist with you. What ever that gene or circuit or component that makes people innately want to pair-bond, is absent in you. You are waiting for some nebulous ah-hah moment that is never going to come. Also, I never cohabitated with my bandmate. I cohabitated with a previous girlfriend. OK my mistake. It doesn't change anything though. I don't know what you mean in terms of a relationship resume, I mean that your resume includes a series of women that you have dated, some that you have 'gone steady' with, but none that you have ever committed to a life with. If a guy is educated, gainfully employed, has basic social and interpersonal skills, is not deformed and he wants to have a wife, home and family, he usually does by the time he is 30. A man that has all those traits but has never been married by 40, doesn't want to. but I have certainly been in them, a few of them very serious, and not all of them ended by my choice. of the ones that broke up with you, how many of them were because they were wanting to move forward with the relationship but you were stuck in neutral? I guess I have a hard time with the concept that I am "yoking" her to me. I feel like what I'm doing right now is saying, "Here is what I am able to give you at this time." I'm being honest with her about where I am and what my feelings are and what I want. And then, isn't it up to her to decide if that's acceptable, to walk away if it's not? Yes it is. She is obligated to grow a pair of ovaries and do what is right for her as well, so I will agree with you on that one to a degree. Here is the catch though - bitches-be-crazy! LOL Many women have so many layers of their own dysfunction and maladaption, they simply aren't able to see the reality that is in front of them and make the right choices for their own lives. Women have this thing that makes them think that they can "change" us and that she will be the one that is cute enough, pretty enough, sexy enough, nice enough etc that you will change your mind for her. you have your issues and inefficiencies and she has hers. That's why you are still together. I almost feel like doing what you're saying is taking away her agency, making a decision for her. No? There's some truth to that as well but here is the bigger truth - She wants YOU to be the one to make that stand and make that decision. This is going to sound sexist but the world is what the world is. Men are supposed to have the leadership role in relationships and are the ones that are charged with setting the course of the relationship providing the leadership and direction. Woman want men to have a plan and have the leadership and wisdom to direct the relationship. They want us to make the decisions. Now make no mistake, when we make the decisions they don't like they will cry and pout and key our cars and will then bitch and cry to all their friends on what *********s we are. But deep down women have respect for men that stand up and make the hard decisions that are in everyone's best interest, even if they don't like it. And conversely women don't respect men who are wishy washy and unable to take a stand and make a difficult decision and stick to it in the face of adversity. And women especially disrespect men who are manipulated and pushed around, even if they are the ones doing the manipulating and pushing around. That is why I said if you stay together, you will both become bitter and resentful. If you don't make a stand and simply kind of mark time with her because she cries and pleads, in time she will lose respect for you and women can't desire a man she doesn't respect. In time your relationship will go completely sour and you will be one of these guys on here moaning and groaning that you haven't had sex in a year. Save yourself that year and make a stand and let her go now. She will cry and won't give back some of your stuff, but in a few months she'll have a new boyfriend and you'll have a new girlfriend and all will be well. But if you try to grit your teeth and try to stick this out and go against your nature, both of you will be chronically frustrated and miserable. Edited April 4, 2015 by oldshirt
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