No_Go Posted April 3, 2015 Posted April 3, 2015 I currently share a house with two other people: F,mid 40s and M,late 30s. Both of them are single and happy with it. However, both prefer a community style of living with a lot of roommate common activities. I've had no problem with that (I moved to the house after a very bad breakup with live-in bf, so this was a distraction for me), but now I am in the beginning of a new relationship, and feel a little uncomfortable. First, I do not feel like oversharing in the beginning, and they both expressed a desire to "evaluate" the guy after they discovered I'm dating... I mean I am still in a process of getting to know him so this roommate effort to vet him comes to me over the top. Second, potential (sleepover) visits are out of question, the house is very open and every noise resonates greatly. I can see my bf curiosity why we never hang out in my place, althought I explained to him as here. Has anybody here experienced a similar situation? I'm basically seeking advice for juggling the bf / roommates situation without sabotaging the relationship as well as the lease...
Gary S Posted April 3, 2015 Posted April 3, 2015 Well, he has a place, you can go out to dinners and movies and other places, and you have a door to your room, right? Sometimes people overthink things. 1
d0nnivain Posted April 3, 2015 Posted April 3, 2015 At some point you are going to have to have him over or he will think you are either hiding something or ashamed of him. Start slowly so you can keep your privacy. Have him pick you up for a date at the house. Invite him in for a beverage & to meet your housemates before the date then leave. With thin walls & no meaningful privacy, I wouldn't entertain him overnight at your place either but if he & the housemates do interact a little you can keep them apart more smoothly.
Kamille Posted April 3, 2015 Posted April 3, 2015 First, I do not feel like oversharing in the beginning, and they both expressed a desire to "evaluate" the guy after they discovered I'm dating... I mean I am still in a process of getting to know him so this roommate effort to vet him comes to me over the top. That is over the top and somewhat immature - even though they were most likely just teasing. I would just let the roommates know that what you and your guy have is special and that you don't feel like oversharing and overanalyzing. 2
ZA Dater Posted April 3, 2015 Posted April 3, 2015 If one thing is true in life it is this "if you think about what other think all the time, you wont think of anything else" 3
Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646 Posted April 3, 2015 Posted April 3, 2015 I've got 3 roommates and we all do common activities and include each other in things. I would consider them all friends anyway I've brought girls home and they stay out of our way usually, but yeah afterwards they'll judge a bit haha 1
Author No_Go Posted April 3, 2015 Author Posted April 3, 2015 This sounds like a good plan. I am probably creating problems by overanalyzing, but everything is so fragile in this first month of dating... I wanted to keep it for myself for the first weeks at least but the roommates discovered somehow , and made me feel like a soap opera star. So I think I will make the step of introducing them to each other this weekend or the next one, and go from there.. At some point you are going to have to have him over or he will think you are either hiding something or ashamed of him. Start slowly so you can keep your privacy. Have him pick you up for a date at the house. Invite him in for a beverage & to meet your housemates before the date then leave. With thin walls & no meaningful privacy, I wouldn't entertain him overnight at your place either but if he & the housemates do interact a little you can keep them apart more smoothly. 1
Vercetti Posted April 3, 2015 Posted April 3, 2015 I never dated anyone with roommates as I'm not up for evaluation from the rainbow people committee. A collective has nothing to do with my personal life. Not in the mood for adults that write thier names on cartons of eggs and post up house rules, to question how a night outside the village went with me.....that does not live in a collective. Anyhow. Fact you posted and what expressed is rather a QED. Is there not a more conservative place could live independent? Cause if depending on roommates everyone is living beyond thier means. When not if the weakest link breaks...then the most reliable gets dumped on. Sorry if rambling. Just you had a weak point in life and the situation was temporarily beneficial. Now it's showing the immaturity of others and impending on your personal life.
losangelena Posted April 3, 2015 Posted April 3, 2015 Been there, done that, have the t-shirt. I live in a community-oriented living situation as well, one where having guys over is a no-go, because of thin walls and the preferences of all the other roommates. What do my bf and I do? We stay at his place, mostly, though he knows my roommates and likes most of them. They want to know all about him, too. It was fine when I was single, but feels a bit strange now that I'm seeing someone. One in particular I don't feel so comfortable opening up to, so I don't. I've been contemplating getting my own place, though, so I can have my bf over whenever I want.
Vercetti Posted April 3, 2015 Posted April 3, 2015 Edit failed. Thing that kills me, my exact reasons for avoiding this during collage years...is being reflected in 30 - 40 year olds. There is just something wack about the dynamic. Dating is difficult enough. Roommates can also get jealous, have the know him her better card.....even have fear if things get serious thier friend and bill money could be taken away. They want community movie night, while your getting pulled to a theater with a lover on the weekend. Resentment and sabotage can build. The thing of people wish you the best, long as don't do better then them.
Author No_Go Posted April 4, 2015 Author Posted April 4, 2015 Yeah, I didn't expect either to live with roommates at 30 since I haven't done it in college/grad school but life happens plus the house location is great. And indeed, if the roommates were dating other people too would be better, now I'm kind of the outcast of the house in that sense.. Plus both of them do not seem to lead any type of social life outside of the house, which makes them pretty dependent on the communal living socialization-wise.. Edit failed. Thing that kills me, my exact reasons for avoiding this during collage years...is being reflected in 30 - 40 year olds. There is just something wack about the dynamic. Dating is difficult enough. Roommates can also get jealous, have the know him her better card.....even have fear if things get serious thier friend and bill money could be taken away. They want community movie night, while your getting pulled to a theater with a lover on the weekend. Resentment and sabotage can build. The thing of people wish you the best, long as don't do better then them.
Author No_Go Posted April 4, 2015 Author Posted April 4, 2015 I'm contemplating for the same , hating the housing market though, and this place is sweet.. Btw on top of thin walls I have a glass door.. Feel like living in a reality show Been there, done that, have the t-shirt. I live in a community-oriented living situation as well, one where having guys over is a no-go, because of thin walls and the preferences of all the other roommates. What do my bf and I do? We stay at his place, mostly, though he knows my roommates and likes most of them. They want to know all about him, too. It was fine when I was single, but feels a bit strange now that I'm seeing someone. One in particular I don't feel so comfortable opening up to, so I don't. I've been contemplating getting my own place, though, so I can have my bf over whenever I want.
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