kadya Posted April 3, 2015 Posted April 3, 2015 Hi everyone! Sorry for the length of this... just would really appreciate some advice. I'm 30, he's 31. If I were 22 I wouldn't even be here, but I want to get married and have kids and I can't waste my time on petty nonsense relationships anymore. I met John in December at a bar. Once upon a time, we were in a college class together but never spoke. He was cute and nice, but I wasn't all that interested in him because I was just recovering from being brutally dumped. So yes, it was a rebound. For the next month or so, he texted me and asked to see me on a specific schedule. Texted me once a day, wanted to see me three times a week. I learned later that this was to protect himself and gauge my interest. I went along with it, but I wasn't very affectionate or open. He was cute, and I was lonely, so we had sex almost every time we saw each other. He asked if I would be his girlfriend, and I was hesitant, and finally told him OK two days later. A little more than a month ago, something happened. A switch was turned on in my brain and suddenly I completely forgot about my ex and I fell hard for John. This happened in less than a day. Don't ask me how. I think I just realized how caring and sweet and wonderful he was. As insane as this sounds, it seems as though John got the feeling that I was now into this relationship. He's less receptive. He doesn't want to have sex as often anymore. He's not as affectionate and he doesn't want to see me as much. He doesn't talk about future plans like he once did. When I mentioned this to him, he acted as though his feelings were very hurt. I specifically told him that he didn't want to have sex with me as much anymore and he told me that he does, and he wants me all the time. But actions speak louder than words. I'm not sure if he's just getting comfortable in the relationship since we're at about 3 months, or if he's genuinely losing interest. Is there anything I can do to ask him without hurting his feelings again or try to figure out what's going on?
Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646 Posted April 3, 2015 Posted April 3, 2015 Uhh sounds like hes playing games to me, he likes the chase but now that he has you he doesn't know what to do. I think you need to talk to him and ask him how he feels, and you NEED to tell him that you've noticed he isn't as interested lately. Don't sit around and play games, if you want to have kids you can't wait forever. Playing devil's advocate here also... Are you sure that your perception just hasn't changed since you fell for him? Like you all of a sudden notice he's not as into you, but really he hasn't changed you are just noticing details more now? Food for thought. good luck.
Author kadya Posted April 3, 2015 Author Posted April 3, 2015 Thanks for the reply, barcode! I did definitely consider the latter. When we first started dating he didn't text me often, and still doesn't. He also very rarely saw me on the weekend... so you may very well be right.
Redhead14 Posted April 3, 2015 Posted April 3, 2015 Hi everyone! Sorry for the length of this... just would really appreciate some advice. I'm 30, he's 31. If I were 22 I wouldn't even be here, but I want to get married and have kids and I can't waste my time on petty nonsense relationships anymore. I met John in December at a bar. Once upon a time, we were in a college class together but never spoke. He was cute and nice, but I wasn't all that interested in him because I was just recovering from being brutally dumped. So yes, it was a rebound. For the next month or so, he texted me and asked to see me on a specific schedule. Texted me once a day, wanted to see me three times a week. I learned later that this was to protect himself and gauge my interest. I went along with it, but I wasn't very affectionate or open. He was cute, and I was lonely, so we had sex almost every time we saw each other. He asked if I would be his girlfriend, and I was hesitant, and finally told him OK two days later. A little more than a month ago, something happened. A switch was turned on in my brain and suddenly I completely forgot about my ex and I fell hard for John. This happened in less than a day. Don't ask me how. I think I just realized how caring and sweet and wonderful he was. As insane as this sounds, it seems as though John got the feeling that I was now into this relationship. He's less receptive. He doesn't want to have sex as often anymore. He's not as affectionate and he doesn't want to see me as much. He doesn't talk about future plans like he once did. When I mentioned this to him, he acted as though his feelings were very hurt. I specifically told him that he didn't want to have sex with me as much anymore and he told me that he does, and he wants me all the time. But actions speak louder than words. I'm not sure if he's just getting comfortable in the relationship since we're at about 3 months, or if he's genuinely losing interest. Is there anything I can do to ask him without hurting his feelings again or try to figure out what's going on? As insane as this sounds, it seems as though John got the feeling that I was now into this relationship. He's less receptive. He doesn't want to have sex as often anymore. He's not as affectionate and he doesn't want to see me as much. He doesn't talk about future plans like he once did. It does not sound insane. He got what he wanted. He "blowtorched" you -- came on very strong in the beginning, got the prize and now the chase is over. wanted to see me three times a week. I learned later that this was to protect himself and gauge my interest Three times a week in the very beginning of a dating scenario is quite a lot AND you were having sex. He found out what your interest was sure enough. but I want to get married and have kids and I can't waste my time on petty nonsense relationships anymore. In these 3 months, did you two ever have a discussion about what each of you is looking for out of your dating experiences? Were you on the same page? He may simply want something casual. YOu want a long-term committed relationship. What you should say now is something like "I've been enjoying the time we spend together. I am hoping to someday have a long-term committed relationship with someone (don't be specific about him). And, then let him talk. When I mentioned this to him, he acted as though his feelings were very hurt. I specifically told him that he didn't want to have sex with me as much anymore and he told me that he does, and he wants me all the time. But actions speak louder than words. I might suspect that when you said this to him he may be thinking that you are getting wise to him. In other words, you've noticed the pull away after having all that sex and are wondering what his intentions are. Basically, you may have inadvertently called him out. Have a talk with him and be prepared to move on. If he says he's serious, let him show you. Make him come to you the right way. Don't have sex with him anymore. Don't tell him you won't have sex, just remove the opportunity for it to happen until he becomes consistent and demonstrating sincere interest.
Author kadya Posted April 3, 2015 Author Posted April 3, 2015 Thanks for the reply, Redhead. He DID ask me if I was looking for a serious relationship, and I told him I was. He then said he didn't know if I wanted just a casual relationship because of the way I acted and because of my recent breakup, and I told him I didn't, and he didn't want a casual relationship either. In the beginning, he also asked me if I wanted to have kids and then told me he did, too. So, I'm not sure if I should bring this up again or I might sound like I'm repeating myself. 1
Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646 Posted April 3, 2015 Posted April 3, 2015 Thanks for the reply, Redhead. He DID ask me if I was looking for a serious relationship, and I told him I was. He then said he didn't know if I wanted just a casual relationship because of the way I acted and because of my recent breakup, and I told him I didn't, and he didn't want a casual relationship either. In the beginning, he also asked me if I wanted to have kids and then told me he did, too. So, I'm not sure if I should bring this up again or I might sound like I'm repeating myself. As long as you feel like he's a trustworthy guy and not just saying what you want to hear, I wouldn't bring it up again unless absolutely necessary. 1
Redhead14 Posted April 3, 2015 Posted April 3, 2015 Thanks for the reply, Redhead. He DID ask me if I was looking for a serious relationship, and I told him I was. He then said he didn't know if I wanted just a casual relationship because of the way I acted and because of my recent breakup, and I told him I didn't, and he didn't want a casual relationship either. In the beginning, he also asked me if I wanted to have kids and then told me he did, too. So, I'm not sure if I should bring this up again or I might sound like I'm repeating myself. He didn't know if you wanted a casual relationship because of the way you acted . . . you were having "casual sex". He will tell you what you want to hear to keep that going., Make him demonstrate it now. Be less available. Be busy with other things. Go out with him a couple of times a week at best and don't leave the opportunity for sex to happen for a while. Don't go to each other's homes. Keep the dates public. Have fun and don't put too much pressure or invest yourself too much in this yet. 2
Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646 Posted April 3, 2015 Posted April 3, 2015 He didn't know if you wanted a casual relationship because of the way you acted . . . you were having "casual sex". He will tell you what you want to hear to keep that going., Make him demonstrate it now. Be less available. Be busy with other things. Go out with him a couple of times a week at best and don't leave the opportunity for sex to happen for a while. Don't go to each other's homes. Keep the dates public. Have fun and don't put too much pressure or invest yourself too much in this yet. I disagree with this... It's bordering on game-playing (I know Women love this...) Withholding sex and playing games won't make things better.
Redhead14 Posted April 3, 2015 Posted April 3, 2015 I disagree with this... It's bordering on game-playing (I know Women love this...) Withholding sex and playing games won't make things better. Withholding sex or using it as a tool of manipulation in an established relationship is not good, but this is not a "relationship" yet. It's not about game playing. It's about protecting her heart and getting back on the right track. Basically, hitting the reset button. She had sex too soon and too often now and it's not clear as to what this man's intentions are, no matter what he's said. She's questioning his interest because he seems to have pulled back. She's already had a talk with him and it's still unclear -- his words and actions don't match. Should she continue to be intimate with a man and get more invested when things are unclear and she's having these doubts? 2
Gary S Posted April 3, 2015 Posted April 3, 2015 (edited) Redhead is right.... she should be mad at him and a woman who was mad with high self-esteem would naturally pull away as redhead is advocating. Technically, it's not playing hard to get, it's just acting appropriately. Right now, she's acting like a doormat. Edited April 3, 2015 by Gary S
Redhead14 Posted April 3, 2015 Posted April 3, 2015 She shouldn't be mad at him, though. He can want what he wants, etc. But, if they aren't on the same page, it is what it is. No feelings of anger should come into play here. She has responsibility here. Being mad at him would be about negating her responsibility and shift the oneness to the man. This is one of the things that some men get upset about -- when things don't go the way a woman hopes it will, she will shirk accountability and say "hey, this guy used me. He's a jerk, etc.
BlueIris Posted April 3, 2015 Posted April 3, 2015 It was chase for him, and his “acting as though his feelings were hurt” was manipulation and deflection. Personally, I’d give him another chance to talk candidly and sincerely, because he MIGHT have needed some time to process what OP asked and make a decision. But if he plays the denial, manipulation, deflection game again, break up with him right then, immediately, and get back out to find a man who wants the kind of relationship that you want. I don't see the point in getting angry either. About what? We discover who someone is AS we date them and if we find out he or she isn't a match or fit for our lives, we break up. That's how it works. Until you're married, or otherwise in a committed relationship, you're both still deciding.
katiegrl Posted April 3, 2015 Posted April 3, 2015 Redhead is right. When a man pulls back, the ONLY response is to pull back yourself.. Feelings ebb and flow, and these early stages are like a carefully choreographed dance. He pulls back, you follow his lead and pull back. He comes forward, you come forward, but not more than him.. Most women do the opposite. When a man pulls back, SHE moves forward. Big mistake! 1
Author kadya Posted April 3, 2015 Author Posted April 3, 2015 Redhead is right. When a man pulls back, the ONLY response is to pull back yourself.. Feelings ebb and flow, and these early stages are like a carefully choreographed dance. He pulls back, you follow his lead and pull back. He comes forward, you come forward, but not more than him.. Most women do the opposite. When a man pulls back, SHE moves forward. Big mistake! I have learned a long time ago to pull away when he does, no matter how much I hate it! So yes, you're right.
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