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My GF still talks to her ex, she hasn't told him she's with me. how would you react?

battlehard

By battlehard
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kendahke Established Member

kendahke

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I think it depends upon whether or not you're ready to walk.

 

I would say to her "I find the unfairness of what has transpired between us to be more than I can stomach. You asked me to declare for you to my ex, yet you will not afford me the same consideration. I see that you are pursuing your ex, not being a friend and if your consideration for him is more than your consideration for me, then it's best we end this so that you can go do as you please."

 

But that's me...

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katiegrl Established Member

katiegrl

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I think it depends upon whether or not you're ready to walk.

 

I would say to her "I find the unfairness of what has transpired between us to be more than I can stomach. You asked me to declare for you to my ex, yet you will not afford me the same consideration. I see that you are pursuing your ex, not being a friend and if your consideration for him is more than your consideration for me, then it's best we end this so that you can go do as you please."

 

But that's me...

 

^^^THIS!!!!

 

If you want you could even leave out the first part and start off with "This entire situation with your ex is more than I can stomach. It's obvious your consideration for him is more than your consideration for me.... and as such, I think it's best we end this so you can do as you please. Good luck with your life."

 

Period!

 

Stand up for yourself...we teach people how to treat us!!!

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lolablue17 Established Member

lolablue17

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You're afraid to be tagged as "jealous and insecure". So don't be tagged as one! Don't ask her to do anything. (you've already asked and she refused)

 

Tell her that You've been too nice for too long and apparently she doesn't get your hints and takes your love for granted and your patience as a weakness. NO MORE!

 

Tell her that from now on you don't care any more what she does with her Ex or any other guy for that matter, tell her that she can go back to him or seek for other guys if she wishes, but it's not gonna be you because you've had enough. You're going to find a girl who can be honest with you or with others, someone you deserve.

 

If she says OK and leaves - It shows how little she loves you.

 

If she tells you that she wants to prove that she loves you - first thing is a commitment to cut all contact with that guy. If she'd play her card well, she could have kept him as a friend but she's the one who ^*(&^ up and now your boundary is clear - NC with him.

 

Again - Don't ASK her for anything. Reverse the picture. Let her be asking YOU for things.

Edited by lolablue17
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elaine567 Established Member

elaine567

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How long was she with the ex ?

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battlehard Member

battlehard

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You're afraid to be tagged as "jealous and insecure". So don't be tagged as one! Don't ask her to do anything. (you've already asked and she refused)

 

Tell her that You've been too nice for too long and apparently she doesn't get your hints and takes your love for granted and your patience as a weakness. NO MORE!

 

Tell her that from now on you don't care any more what she does with her Ex or any other guy for that matter, tell her that she can go back to him or seek for other guys if she wishes, but it's not gonna be you because you've had enough. You're going to find a girl who can be honest with you or with others, someone you deserve.

 

If she says OK and leaves - It shows how little she loves you.

 

If she tells you that she wants to prove that she loves you - first thing is a commitment to cut all contact with that guy. If she'd play her card well, she could have kept him as a friend but she's the one who ^*(&^ up and now your boundary is clear - NC with him.

 

Again - Don't ASK her for anything. Reverse the picture. Let her be asking YOU for things.

 

Thank you very much for your replies. You're right that I've been too patient but I honestly believe she's talking to him purely out of naivety of how bad it seems which is why I'm worried about making it a bigger deal than it maybe should be. On the other hand, if everyone in here agrees it's not on then clearly it is a pretty big deal. I just want her to see that. Every other time it's come up I've kind of backed down and she did go months without talking to him but it just keeps coming back.

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battlehard Member

battlehard

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How long was she with the ex ?

 

They were together on and off for I think 1.5 years, they were never going to work long term but yes it was for quite a while.

kissmybooty Established Member

kissmybooty

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Bad sign is all I will say. Rest has already been addressed in this thread

kendahke Established Member

kendahke

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Thank you very much for your replies. You're right that I've been too patient but I honestly believe she's talking to him purely out of naivety of how bad it seems which is why I'm worried about making it a bigger deal than it maybe should be. On the other hand, if everyone in here agrees it's not on then clearly it is a pretty big deal. I just want her to see that. Every other time it's come up I've kind of backed down and she did go months without talking to him but it just keeps coming back.

 

That's because it's not over for her. She wants something from him more than friendship and more than what will satisfy her from you. Were she satisfied and content with what you have to offer, she'd have launched this guy out past the Oort cloud by now. She wouldn't have him locked in orbit around her.

 

You're being way too generous in your estimation of her actions. She's not being naive--that would be true the first time you asked her to tell him about you and she did it. That's not what you said happened. Remember--she's refused to say anything to him while asking for the very same, so that removes any semblance of naivete.

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Diezel Established Member

Diezel

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For a guy named battlehard, you sure are coming across as weak.

 

She told you to respond to your ex but immediately tell her that you had a girlfriend, but she gets to not do the same because "drama"?

 

Yeah buddy, she is walking ALL. OVER. YOU. And you are simply going to let this happen.

 

This is going to end badly because you pretty much have already given her permission to talk to him. And what's with the weak "text" message you wanted to send? Talk to her about it face to face, like a strong, assertive man would.

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Honeybunnies Member

Honeybunnies

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I agree with the others. She is pretending to be single - and people who pretend to be single love attention. The fact that she is basically prioritizing her ex's feelings over yours, her current boyfriend, is ridiculous.

 

She will definitely try to pull the "you're just being insecure" card because she clearly likes having control - control over you, your relationship, and even her ex.

 

Talk to her face-to-face. Do not ask her to do anything. Tell her YOU are over the situation and YOU will no longer be apart of this "secret relationship."

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battlehard Member

battlehard

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For a guy named battlehard, you sure are coming across as weak.

 

She told you to respond to your ex but immediately tell her that you had a girlfriend, but she gets to not do the same because "drama"?

 

Yeah buddy, she is walking ALL. OVER. YOU. And you are simply going to let this happen.

 

This is going to end badly because you pretty much have already given her permission to talk to him. And what's with the weak "text" message you wanted to send? Talk to her about it face to face, like a strong, assertive man would.

 

I'm not offended because, well, you're spot on. Honestly the main reason I want to message it is she just shuts down if we argue face to face, I could say my bit but she really wouldn't reply, she'd just get angry or sad or however she reacts. This way I'll at least get some answers out of her. You're right though, I need to toughen up.

Mrlonelyone Established Member

Mrlonelyone

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How long was she with the ex ?

 

Just what I was going to ask.

 

OP. If your GF was with this EX longer than she has been with you, including as friends but especially as BF/GF then you need to worry about this big time.

 

Tell your GF to tell him that you are her man now. Make her be honest with him. (Hat tip to the post which pointed out if she'll lie to a friend she's known longer than you she'll likely also lie to you.)

 

Think about this. Do you want this woman on a long term stable basis bad enough to risk loosing her? If not let her go.

 

If she has been with that EX for say a total of twice the time she's known you....then you could be a brief break in a long relationship between them.

 

 

I am in a similar situation myself where I am the friend. The boyfriend in that case seems to be completely oblivious to the nature of our pre existing relationship. The Ex still contacts me with flirty text and makes noises like she's tired of him.

 

From a perspective like the one of that other man let me tell you be concerned about this.

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battlehard Member

battlehard

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The fact that she is basically prioritizing her ex's feelings over yours, her current boyfriend, is ridiculous.

 

I think that's the key here. She has even said in messages to him 'I don't want to talk about the past because you might get the wrong idea' and things like that, she so far has only said completely innocent friendly things. However, no one would be ok with their partner talking to their ex without them knowing they're in a new relationship. It doesn't matter how she's doing it, she's still doing it. I need to stand up for myself. Gosh. Thank you for your reply.

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battlehard Member

battlehard

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Think about this. Do you want this woman on a long term stable basis bad enough to risk loosing her? If not let her go.

 

I think that's where my main problem lies. Literally every other aspect of our relationship has been nothing short of perfect to me. I'm so happy that I'm scared to lose her. Clearly though I'm not all that happy if this is bothering me so much. I guess I came on here to seek advice but to also get the clarification that despite me being a bit over the top about a few guys flirting in the past, I'm completely in the right here and need to stand up for myself.

Diezel Established Member

Diezel

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I'm not offended because, well, you're spot on. Honestly the main reason I want to message it is she just shuts down if we argue face to face, I could say my bit but she really wouldn't reply, she'd just get angry or sad or however she reacts. This way I'll at least get some answers out of her. You're right though, I need to toughen up.

 

Do you see yourself having a long-term relationship with someone who you will always need to communicate through via text?

 

Do you not see how wrong this is? If you can't talk to her because she shuts down and you resort communicating the only way she can, then you two aren't compatible.

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Gaeta Established Member

Gaeta

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Your girlfriend is a big manipulator.

 

Shutting down instead of communicating is pure manipulation.

 

OP: Everything she has been doing is manipulation. She manipulates you AND she manipulates him. You think she is being fair to him by keeping you a secret? she is feeding his hope just enough to keep him around and she manipulates you just enough to keep you around.

 

Is this the kind of person you want to be with?

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elaine567 Established Member

elaine567

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She was in a long term relationship with him, they split, 2 months later she is seeing you.

She did the dumping, but is doing the "friends with the ex" thing. He, being the dumpee in a LTR, is probably still in love with her.

She loves that and doesn't want to lose that adoration from afar, by telling him she has moved on, has a new boyfriend and there is no chance of her ever coming back to him.

She is in effect keeping him in reserve just in case you two do not make it, she can then go back to him, OR she maybe in effect trying to get back with him and he is saying no, that is another possibility. Do they ever meet face to face?

 

The "friends with the dumpee" thing is common and doesn't necessarily mean she feels anything for him, some just like to assuage their guilt over the dumping by making sure the ex is OK, some just do not want to give up the closeness, but have no intention of ever going back.

 

However the bad things here for you are:-

1) the fact she has not told him about you full stop

2) she came out of a LTR and quickly started up with you - smacks of rebound

3) the fact she hides the friendship from you and doesn't address your concerns.

 

I have a feeling you could get very hurt here.

lolablue17 Established Member

lolablue17

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I'm completely in the right here and need to stand up for myself.

 

You're right! But please listen to my advice - Don't demand anything. If you demand her to do something, or to avoid doing something, You put yourself immediately in the low position, which you are not independent, only depends on her call. No no no!

 

She has all the rights to contact with her Ex. She has all the rights to even go back to him. Don't try to control her because it will be proven wrong in the long term. You can control only your actions. Not hers.

 

tell her that and don't give any ultimatum but make it clear that any contact to her Ex or delaying telling him about you, might damage your R until it'll be too late to fix.

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Redhead14 Established Member

Redhead14

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To keep a quite long story short, my girlfriend believes talking to your exs as friends is fine. She is open about that. She has been talking to her most recent ex on random occasions (not that regularly) ever since we've been together. She's only told me about some of them, other times I've found out. I personally am not comfortable with it and it's caused issues but that's not really what I'm here to ask I guess.

 

Due to the fact she ended it with him and he was upset, she hasn't ever wanted to tell him she has a new boyfriend because she thinks it would cause drama and she hates confrontation. I'm getting sick of it because to me whether you're just being friendly or not talking to an ex who thinks you're single changes the whole dynamic of it. Do you guys agree?

 

I have no idea how to approach this because I don't want to come off as a controlling freak. What would you do?? Help!!! Sorry if I've worded this terribly.

 

"she thinks it would cause drama and she hates confrontation"?

 

She's keeping a "secret" from him because she doesn't want drama and confrontation". What will she keep from you for the same reasons?

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veggirl Established Member

veggirl

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"she thinks it would cause drama and she hates confrontation"?

 

She's keeping a "secret" from him because she doesn't want drama and confrontation". What will she keep from you for the same reasons?

 

Not to mention, by keeping OP a secret, she is causing the drama and confrontation she just hates oh so much.

 

OP you need to stand up for yourself. Stop being pushed around by her. Don't send wimpy texts, be FIRM. She is so out of line here.

Keke1 Established Member

Keke1

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Talking to an ex means nothing, nothing is going to happen over the phone lines. Does she see him?

 

Lol a ton can happen over phone lines

DrReplyInRhymes Established Member

DrReplyInRhymes

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Talking to an ex means nothing, nothing is going to happen over the phone lines. Does she see him?

 

Emotional cheating is often hurtful some would say, as much as the physical counterpart,

And with today's technology, it's often easy to form attachment from the start,

It's the dangerous world of falling in love with an idea in your head,

Rather than knowing the person and seeing them truly instead.

 

Personally, as much as you may like her, she's obviously got an agenda,

One that doesn't take your feelings into consideration, arguably a ...pretenda.

As much as you may like her, this should raise a red flag,

Be careful when you address this, as it could all go really bad.

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