ZA Dater Posted April 3, 2015 Posted April 3, 2015 Hi everyone, been browsing here for a while and decided to register, hope you are all well today! I am what one would call unlucky at dating, I very rarely find myself finding people I like in totality. Last year at a lunch I met someone, I just knew within 5 min of meeting her that this is someone I found really interesting. Luckily for me we go put at the same table and had a good afternoon I thought, in fact our conversation was so good the rest of the table didn't really exist. I left feeling full of hope, turns out she works with a close friend of mines wife. He decided he would try play cupid. Anyway nothing happened and 2 months later I needed a date for another event and he ended up getting her to come as my date, if anything I was even more wowed than before. Before people say its looks I need to state that the wow part about her is her personality and the evening was really fantastic, really enjoy spending time with her. Finally after years of trying I had "special evening" I walked to her car and we had a good hug and I did mention I would like to see her again, she avoided the question a bit. Nevertheless I sent her an orchid to say thanks for coming to the event with me and asked if I could take her out. I got a reply saying thanks for the orchid but no comment about the date. I then decided to go see a psychic and he mentioned I had met "the one" last year and I needed to let go of my baggage from the past and drop my guard, all being spot on because my dating experiences have been really bad. My question is do I keep chasing her and if so how? Am I being unreasonable to ask for a date to see if it can work? Any opinions from all of you nice people would be greatly appreciated! Have an awesome day!
Satu Posted April 3, 2015 Posted April 3, 2015 It seems clear that she's not interested in you. Can you not see that? 3
Author ZA Dater Posted April 3, 2015 Author Posted April 3, 2015 It seems clear that she's not interested in you. Can you not see that? So the suggestion is to just move on? Being 30 yo and never having had a gf I suppose isn't exactly a stat worth being proud of! Fact is nobody is really interested in me, been on dating sites for years and this was the first person I have ever met who I liked as a whole and felt comfortable enough with to let me guard down. So I am basically being unrealistic expecting a chance?
scarlettohara Posted April 3, 2015 Posted April 3, 2015 This is coming from a woman: You need to get to know her as a friend...without being pushy. Im not sure what circumstances you see this lady, but try to be funny, not talk too much, always be polite and full of manners. That ways she can get to know you in a more relaxed way. This is funny given MY current dating situation lol but here is my advice: I would go out on a couple dates with other women. It will boost your ego and remove any needy vibe you may have. I think at this time she may not be super interested, although her attending the wedding is a positive. I wouldnt take it as you, just as in timing or etc. Follow the above advice, and if you can...get to know her SINCERELY with no expectation. This will say at least you have a new friend...and sometimes women like to get to know someone better before they let any kind of guard down. I remember being creeped out by a guy literally, and he was friendly and charming and I eventully ended up dating him, thinking he was the cats meow. You never know. 2
Author ZA Dater Posted April 3, 2015 Author Posted April 3, 2015 This is coming from a woman: You need to get to know her as a friend...without being pushy. Im not sure what circumstances you see this lady, but try to be funny, not talk too much, always be polite and full of manners. That ways she can get to know you in a more relaxed way. This is funny given MY current dating situation lol but here is my advice: I would go out on a couple dates with other women. It will boost your ego and remove any needy vibe you may have. I think at this time she may not be super interested, although her attending the wedding is a positive. I wouldnt take it as you, just as in timing or etc. Follow the above advice, and if you can...get to know her SINCERELY with no expectation. This will say at least you have a new friend...and sometimes women like to get to know someone better before they let any kind of guard down. I remember being creeped out by a guy literally, and he was friendly and charming and I eventully ended up dating him, thinking he was the cats meow. You never know. I did try get into the friend zone with her but she doesn't seem to be too interested in that either. I have quite severe dating problems it has to be said, I always be a total gentleman, best manners, I do put in the effort but its extremely rare that I meet someone like her who I find so nice from an intellectual point of view.
Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646 Posted April 3, 2015 Posted April 3, 2015 (edited) Rofl you gave her an orchid when she was clearly wishy washy? Bad idea... If she thought of you as a friend, now she definitely does. It was a needy/desperate move. Also ZA you seem confused, you don't want to get IN the friend zone with her to win her heart and get in her panties... You want to stay out. Classic nice guy syndrome Edited April 3, 2015 by barcode88 1
Satu Posted April 3, 2015 Posted April 3, 2015 So the suggestion is to just move on? Being 30 yo and never having had a gf I suppose isn't exactly a stat worth being proud of! Fact is nobody is really interested in me, been on dating sites for years and this was the first person I have ever met who I liked as a whole and felt comfortable enough with to let me guard down. So I am basically being unrealistic expecting a chance? To me it looks like she's not interested, but doesn't want to hurt your feelings because she sees you as a nice guy. Don't build your expectations too high.
darkmoon Posted April 3, 2015 Posted April 3, 2015 (edited) the psychic might have seen up to a point that she currently is your - but not the - one but given her response so far, well, you have nothing to lose, just try it, call her, it is not for the go-between to do, or save your orchids for somebody keener, you must be v fussy to only find one woman who yoiu like Edited April 3, 2015 by darkmoon
Author ZA Dater Posted April 3, 2015 Author Posted April 3, 2015 the psychic might have seen up to a point that she currently is your - but not the - one but given her response so far, well, you have nothing to lose, just try it, call her, it is not for the go-between to do, or save your orchids for somebody keener, you must be v fussy to only find one woman who yoiu like Thing is finding someone who likes me that I like is more difficult than squeezing water out of a piece of granite. For most guys attraction is defined by looks, for me looks place second to personality, or to be more specific for me one should not overshadow the other, thus its a combination of looks and personality. Unfortunately each time I have found someone I like I have been rejected each and every time. One tries to find the positive, look to improve but one also looks for that one good moment where it all comes together.
Author ZA Dater Posted April 3, 2015 Author Posted April 3, 2015 Rofl you gave her an orchid when she was clearly wishy washy? Bad idea... If she thought of you as a friend, now she definitely does. It was a needy/desperate move. Also ZA you seem confused, you don't want to get IN the friend zone with her to win her heart and get in her panties... You want to stay out. Classic nice guy syndrome The orchid was a thank you gesture. You know what I wouldn't mind being in the friend zone because its better than what I currently have, which is zero prospects at all.
Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646 Posted April 3, 2015 Posted April 3, 2015 (edited) Thing is finding someone who likes me that I like is more difficult than squeezing water out of a piece of granite. For most guys attraction is defined by looks, for me looks place second to personality, or to be more specific for me one should not overshadow the other, thus its a combination of looks and personality. Unfortunately each time I have found someone I like I have been rejected each and every time. One tries to find the positive, look to improve but one also looks for that one good moment where it all comes together. I think one thing you probably don't realize that you're doing is that you are putting women on a pedestal. You are being too available to them, and opening up/falling for them too soon. Everyone get's rejected plenty, so you're not a special case there, but you need to learn from your mistakes and adapt your behavior to succeed. The orchid was a thank you gesture. You know what I wouldn't mind being in the friend zone because its better than what I currently have, which is zero prospects at all. To further my point made above, no... You don't want to be in the friend zone because it IS zero prospects. You don't just come out of it one day. You only want to be in the friend zone if you've never wanted her as more than a friend, then it is OK. You need to stop placing so much hope in one girl that she might be the one for you, and forget about her and date other women. Edited April 3, 2015 by barcode88
angel.eyes Posted April 3, 2015 Posted April 3, 2015 It can be frustrating. Maybe it's time to take a short break. Three months or so of focusing on a new hobby? Bear in mind that dating gets much easier for some guys once they enter their thirties. Keep your chin up! Thing is finding someone who likes me that I like is more difficult than squeezing water out of a piece of granite. For most guys attraction is defined by looks, for me looks place second to personality, or to be more specific for me one should not overshadow the other, thus its a combination of looks and personality. Unfortunately each time I have found someone I like I have been rejected each and every time. One tries to find the positive, look to improve but one also looks for that one good moment where it all comes together.
Author ZA Dater Posted April 3, 2015 Author Posted April 3, 2015 I think one thing you probably don't realize that you're doing is that you are putting women on a pedestal. You are being too available to them, and opening up/falling for them too soon. Everyone get's rejected plenty, so you're not a special case there, but you need to learn from your mistakes and adapt your behavior to succeed. To further my point made above, no... You don't want to be in the friend zone because it IS zero prospects. You don't just come out of it one day. You only want to be in the friend zone if you've never wanted her as more than a friend, then it is OK. You need to stop placing so much hope in one girl that she might be the one for you, and forget about her and date other women. Advice duly noted, the problem is I honestly don't know what I am doing wrong. I have sat thought about this for hours, lay awake and night and thought about it some more. I don't do the club/party type scene , sure I will go out from time to time but generally here as I am sure it in the USA that scene is mainly frequented by jocks and pretty chicks looks for : looks : money : status As I said looks don't automatically do it for me, its pointless if she is hot but doesn't interest me intellectually. This probably makes me sound I am from another planet. What was different with this one is she did engage me intellectually, she did appeal to me and most of the subconscious criteria I have she met. She isn't the great hope but I did hope to at least perhaps get a idea of what dating is like with her, nothing I can type can begin to explain how hopeless I feel after just getting nowhere. Perhaps my blog could but I don't think links are allowed here. I do go out to get laid, truly I don't I go out to be the gentleman, hope that someone would actually find that appealing. Realistically I guess I was buoyed by how nice it was to spend time with her, a real first for me, the first time anyone ever dressed up for me. Again this all probably sounds really sad and pathetic. As for the friend zone, my view is if nothing else is on offer than its a preferable to be in the friend zone that having nothing but I do see your point and I think you are quite right, in my mind I thought one could go from friend to more but perhaps that's a truly romantic notion which isn't realistic.
Author ZA Dater Posted April 3, 2015 Author Posted April 3, 2015 It can be frustrating. Maybe it's time to take a short break. Three months or so of focusing on a new hobby? Bear in mind that dating gets much easier for some guys once they enter their thirties. Keep your chin up! If anything with age it seems to be getting harder and harder because I just feel people who I do meet have this expectation of experience and it would be true to say I am somewhat awkward around females, I could mostly hide it on this last "date" with her but it was still there. I took a break a few times, resorted some age old retail therapy which distracted me for a while but ultimately I go out or need to go to an event and find myself going alone, in a room full of couples. Its not a nice feeling at all. Basically from this thread I am getting the feeling I should just walk away from this one and try find something else.
angel.eyes Posted April 3, 2015 Posted April 3, 2015 Yes, walk away from this one! If you're awkward or uncomfortable around women, you need to start including women in your social circle of friends...just make sure these are women in whom you have no romantic interest. Pick an interest or hobby you enjoy and find a mixed gender group around this--a co-ed soccer league or a book club, for example.
Vintage79 Posted April 3, 2015 Posted April 3, 2015 ZA - I'll reiterate largely what BarCode and a few others have stated. A. She's not that into you - it sounds like she perceives you as a nice guy, and consequently is trying to let you down easy B. You're coming across as needy and desperate (which likely shoved you into friendzone) C. If you're in Friendzone, you have zero chance of getting with her romantically D. You're way over invested in this girl given how much you've met her - this is likely one of the main reasons that driving point B above E. Yes, lots of guys are drawn to looks, but realistically, you're not that odd - guys usually will marry the girl with the personality (and the looks) - looks alone is really only good for a short term fling. Chances are you're dismissing too many women before you get to know them - the first 1-3 dates are frequently laced with conversation that is a bit more shallow and superficial - get through those dates and you frequently see a different (and better, more interesting) person.
Author ZA Dater Posted April 3, 2015 Author Posted April 3, 2015 ZA - I'll reiterate largely what BarCode and a few others have stated. A. She's not that into you - it sounds like she perceives you as a nice guy, and consequently is trying to let you down easy B. You're coming across as needy and desperate (which likely shoved you into friendzone) C. If you're in Friendzone, you have zero chance of getting with her romantically D. You're way over invested in this girl given how much you've met her - this is likely one of the main reasons that driving point B above E. Yes, lots of guys are drawn to looks, but realistically, you're not that odd - guys usually will marry the girl with the personality (and the looks) - looks alone is really only good for a short term fling. Chances are you're dismissing too many women before you get to know them - the first 1-3 dates are frequently laced with conversation that is a bit more shallow and superficial - get through those dates and you frequently see a different (and better, more interesting) person. I think if I am honest with myself, what you have typed above is probably right. I couldn't even get into the friend zone so already that's a massive negative, in fact to me I look at that as I am not even nice enough to be in the friend zone. Honestly, at the age of nearly 31 and never having dated never mind done any of thing other things I am needy and desperate! As for flings I never been able to do that, once again nobody has been interested. Regarding dates, I never manage more than one date, which I guess pretty much says it all.
Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646 Posted April 3, 2015 Posted April 3, 2015 (edited) Advice duly noted, the problem is I honestly don't know what I am doing wrong. I have sat thought about this for hours, lay awake and night and thought about it some more. I don't do the club/party type scene , sure I will go out from time to time but generally here as I am sure it in the USA that scene is mainly frequented by jocks and pretty chicks looks for : looks : money : status As I said looks don't automatically do it for me, its pointless if she is hot but doesn't interest me intellectually. This probably makes me sound I am from another planet. What was different with this one is she did engage me intellectually, she did appeal to me and most of the subconscious criteria I have she met. She isn't the great hope but I did hope to at least perhaps get a idea of what dating is like with her, nothing I can type can begin to explain how hopeless I feel after just getting nowhere. Perhaps my blog could but I don't think links are allowed here. I do go out to get laid, truly I don't I go out to be the gentleman, hope that someone would actually find that appealing. Realistically I guess I was buoyed by how nice it was to spend time with her, a real first for me, the first time anyone ever dressed up for me. Again this all probably sounds really sad and pathetic. As for the friend zone, my view is if nothing else is on offer than its a preferable to be in the friend zone that having nothing but I do see your point and I think you are quite right, in my mind I thought one could go from friend to more but perhaps that's a truly romantic notion which isn't realistic. Vintage bulletpointed everything pretty well above, read that. There is nothing wrong with being attracted to intellectual types, everyone has things that turn them on. You just need to lower your expectations a bit, because I think Women can sense you're too into them too soon. Ideally you want to be a bit aloof, you don't want to tell them everything about you and keep some mystery. Make the girl laugh and engage in intellectual conversation that you like, but nothing serious like religion/kids/marriage/etc. After your date, express some interest, shoot her a text the next day saying that you had a great time with her the night before... Otherwise give the girl some space and don't worry about having to be in constant contact with her. When you're not on a date you want to keep contact minimal... It's OK to go days at a time without talking to each other. One date a week is pretty normal. I would say that contact should only consist of a single 30 minute phone call (preferably used to setup another date, but this can be done via text too) and only brief texting (flirting/banter). Don't get sucked into huge texting wars. After you've been going out a month or two (at least 4-5 dates), you can start investing yourself more in the woman, but early on you want to keep her guessing (in a good way) In general once a Woman is having sex with you, it's safe to show more interest towards her. Most Women will want you to stick around at that point, they don't like having sex with just anyone. Looks/money/status do matter, but above that the #1 thing Women look for is Confidence. Make sure you have some hobbies and you do things with friends regularly. A woman should only compliment your life, not define it. If you don't already, hit the gym 3-4 times a week, it will increase your T levels naturally (best way) and give you more confidence/swagger with women. Edited April 3, 2015 by barcode88
d0nnivain Posted April 3, 2015 Posted April 3, 2015 Sit down with your friend & his wife (the woman who works with your crush). Tell them you know she's not interested but that you are nevertheless looking for insight. You want the brutal truth about anything she said about what you did wrong. Take what you learn to heart & make an effort to change. You also want their help improving your dating life.
Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646 Posted April 3, 2015 Posted April 3, 2015 (edited) Sit down with your friend & his wife (the woman who works with your crush). Tell them you know she's not interested but that you are nevertheless looking for insight. You want the brutal truth about anything she said about what you did wrong. Take what you learn to heart & make an effort to change. You also want their help improving your dating life. No.... I don't recommend this. He knows how he can improve, and doesn't need to inquire towards them on why it didn't work out. It really comes off as a desperate thing to do, and I wouldn't be caught dead looking that desperate towards my friend and his wife. The OP doesn't require any external validation on why this did not work out, he can only self-analyze and improve for next time. OP, Forget about this Woman and work on improving yourself for next time. EDIT: Relevant story, I considered asking the last girl I went out with what went wrong in more detail, but decided not to. I think it's better to just move on, going to the other person/side for info can really take a **** on your ego. Edited April 3, 2015 by barcode88
d0nnivain Posted April 3, 2015 Posted April 3, 2015 No.... I don't recommend this. He knows how he can improve, and doesn't need to inquire towards them on why it didn't work out. It really comes off as a desperate thing to do, and I wouldn't be caught dead looking that desperate towards my friend and his wife. The OP doesn't require any external validation on why this did not work out, he can only self-analyze and improve for next time. OP, Forget about this Woman and work on improving yourself for next time. I disagree. At 31 if he's never dated & doesn't know why things didn't work with this woman, he needs external insight. Perhaps he talked too much or not enough. Maybe he chewed with his mouth open. Some objectivity can be helpful especially when you don't have the experience to do an accurate self analysis.
Author ZA Dater Posted April 3, 2015 Author Posted April 3, 2015 No.... I don't recommend this. He knows how he can improve, and doesn't need to inquire towards them on why it didn't work out. It really comes off as a desperate thing to do, and I wouldn't be caught dead looking that desperate towards my friend and his wife. The OP doesn't require any external validation on why this did not work out, he can only self-analyze and improve for next time. OP, Forget about this Woman and work on improving yourself for next time. I actually did consider that but the honest truth is people for whatever reason simply don't like me, it sounds terribly sad to say but they simply don't. Which is pretty much why any attempt I make is over before its started, yes not a good way to look at things but as someone said confidence is key and confidence is built up with good experiences, on the dating field none of mine bar these two were good. I don't know what I am doing wrong or why, perhaps I look like a frog, perhaps I speak funny, really I don't know. I gym most days, am tall athletic, I always take an interest in what people are saying, listen before I speak. In short I really do try to be a good guy and not some guy just interested in getting into their pants. By the way said friend has tried to set me up with other people before, none of which I found either interest or attractive, mostly found them to be neither. There are many good points in this thread.
Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646 Posted April 3, 2015 Posted April 3, 2015 I actually did consider that but the honest truth is people for whatever reason simply don't like me, it sounds terribly sad to say but they simply don't. Which is pretty much why any attempt I make is over before its started, yes not a good way to look at things but as someone said confidence is key and confidence is built up with good experiences, on the dating field none of mine bar these two were good. I don't know what I am doing wrong or why, perhaps I look like a frog, perhaps I speak funny, really I don't know. I gym most days, am tall athletic, I always take an interest in what people are saying, listen before I speak. In short I really do try to be a good guy and not some guy just interested in getting into their pants. By the way said friend has tried to set me up with other people before, none of which I found either interest or attractive, mostly found them to be neither. There are many good points in this thread. There's nothing wrong admitting that you want to get in a girl's pants. It means that you find her attractive and that's just pure human nature to want to physically connect to a potential mate (kissing/making out/sex/etc.). Don't deny yourself your manhood to try and pander to Women. Admitting that you want to have sex with a girl doesn't make you a "bad guy" but I guess our society does place a lot of shame on sex, so its not necessarily your fault entirely... You need to work on your self-esteem, because honestly it's pretty lacking from what I can see here. Women (like men) don't enjoy negativity in another person, and you aren't going to get any pity-dates from them. Don't get caught in a vicious cycle of: "I'm worthless" > "I can't get a date because I'm worthless" rinse/repeat
Gary S Posted April 3, 2015 Posted April 3, 2015 I walked to her car and we had a good hug and I did mention I would like to see her again, she avoided the question a bit. - This pretty much tells the tale.... if she were interested in you, she'd be receptive. It's not as if you asked her on the spot to get married and have kids! You have a lot to learn about women.... don't buy gifts for the first two months until she's yours, and don't ask for a date while on a date. Playing hard to get doubles attraction. Also, you are too picky... don't just go for the best woman you've seen in years, date around, see what's out there. Besides, you only met her a couple times, you really don't know her. Find a woman who likes you more and you'll never have a problem. 1
Author ZA Dater Posted April 3, 2015 Author Posted April 3, 2015 There's nothing wrong admitting that you want to get in a girl's pants. It means that you find her attractive and that's just pure human nature to want to physically connect to a potential mate (kissing/making out/sex/etc.). Don't deny yourself your manhood to try and pander to Women. Admitting that you want to have sex with a girl doesn't make you a "bad guy" but I guess our society does place a lot of shame on sex, so its not necessarily your fault entirely... You need to work on your self-esteem, because honestly it's pretty lacking from what I can see here. Women (like men) don't enjoy negativity in another person, and you aren't going to get any pity-dates from them. Don't get caught in a vicious cycle of: "I'm worthless" > "I can't get a date because I'm worthless" rinse/repeat I just don't see them as sex objects first and foremost, my approach is very much try and be nice to them, take an interest, listen and try get to date two. Over time I think what really just bugs and hurts me is the fact being nice just doesn't seem to be good enough, doing the above isn't effective at all. I actually got this last one to laugh which was new for me. Clearly some people are just better at this than others! Perhaps dating and marketing are not too dissimilar concepts.
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