Trust issues

[thecrucible]

I'm finding that my trust issues really affect my dating and personal life. Throughout my life, I've just felt that certain people have let me down and betrayed my trust. I also felt for some reason, rightly or wrongly, that I wanted more affection and praise growing up, and more attention from my father. Then at 18 I was in a physically abusive relationship. After we broke up, I lost friends who took his side and thought I was making it up.

 

 

I also have SAD (Social Anxiety Disorder) and while I'm not shy, I find it hard to open up about myself because I fear rejection or that others will not keep things secret. This manifests in certain ways - I mentally freeze up sometimes, I have trouble with eye contact and I sometimes go into days of social isolation to deal with my feelings - I have to know I'm 100% happy before I communicate so I feel more in control. I find it hard confiding in people. I'm scared sometimes to share info about myself (even sometimes simple things like talking at length about a hobby I like) as I fear people won't be interested in what I have to say. I also fear people will use certain things against me later on, so I hate to show weakness.

 

 

So I've had certain guys say they cant read me and I'm not happy about the vibe I give out. Other guys have said it seems like I find it hard to open up. Guys who are probably good for me, and are really affectionate and/or emotional seem to freak me out as well.

 

 

I wish I could be that light-hearted easy going girl that guys seem to like. Basically, how do I be that?

[Satu]

You can try 'share - check - share.'

 

Open up a tiny bit, share something of minimal significance and check the response you get.

 

If the response you get is ok, you can then think about sharing something else. Or not, if you didn't like the response.

 

Start with very easy stuff.

[Strength in Healing]

Good question, and sorry to hear you are going through this/what you have gone through. Although it seems to have caused some things you aren't happy about with yourself, I'm sure it also carries a host of benefits like strength and understanding.

 

That being said, it begins with recognizing the problem, which you clearly have.

 

After that, it's a lot of being mindful.

 

If you want to take the route of seeing a professional, then they can perform cognitive behavioral therapy, which could definitely help you tackle this.

 

You seem very self aware and intelligent, so you definitely can and will overcome it. Always remember, it takes courage to see a face problems, and even more courage to ask for help.

[chelsey]

I know how you feel, i was depressed for a long time and i actually thought i was autistic because i found it so hard to talk to new people. I also don't look people in the eye because it was something I learned to do when my parents fought growing up. I've consciously tried to smile and make more eye, contact, and you should try it. it's hard but start with strangers, just try to be pleasant and friendly. you will be amazed and how people respond when you're friendly. it will feel like you have a magic power i swear!

 

i'm 28 now and what i found helped me was (in addition to prozac!) just following what I really wanted. I went after my dream job, i focused on making new girl friends (which becomes easier and easier once you start) and focusing on my hobbies. You have to first learn to love yourself. antidepressants are tough to ask for and kind of tough to accept taking but they can help get you out of a rut. you don't have to take them forever, they might just be the shift in attitude you need.

 

is there something you have always wanted to do but never went for? is there a skill or hobby you wanted to pursue but haven't made time for? i would focus on yourself for a while before dating. when you feel confident and happy then dating just adds on to who you are, when you're depressed then dating is trying to fill a hole and it doesn't work out as well.... which leds to being more depressed!

 

work on yourself first. and it's ok to not want to make eye contact, some guys think that's cute.