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Posted (edited)

I have posted before about this guy I got talking to and who phoned me very regularly for the past couple of months. He seemed to show a lot of interest and then suddenly told me he didn't want a relationship. I was a bit shocked because it was odd that he kept phoning me if that was the case. I told him he didn't have to but he insisted he wanted to. Anyway, things declined from that point because it was confusing talking to him. I didn't know what he wanted, except perhaps some strange phone relationship.

 

I have sent him several texts to close things down because of this, but he got back in touch with me. I sent one final one and he rang back straight away. I said there was no point us talking because he wasn't interested. He told me twice I was wrong about this. (I hadn't asked, just made the statement.) He rang me the next day and happened to have visited my home area in another part of the country, so I mentioned how lovely my home town was. He said we could go and move there, he'd like living there. I was a bit dumbfounded at this - what was he saying? You don't move across the country with a friend you only talk to on the phone. He said he'd phone again and didn't for a day and a half then sent a brief non-commital text asking how I was.

 

I sent him another text saying we shouldn't stay in touch because we were looking for different things and that it was just one of those things. I wished him well. I haven't heard from him since.

 

I am still really confused about all this. His behaviour was so mixed. Why would he say such impulsive things when he's not interested in a relationship? I'm not going mad am I? This does seem bizarre. Otherwise, he seems a normal kind of person. Has anyone actually behaved like this who could explain such conflicting behaviour? I know I need to forget about him for my own sake as it's just crazy, but I feel pulled in all directions and incredibly sad that nothing seemed to work or make sense. He's the first person I've felt a connection with in a long time and I'm sure he must have felt some too :(

Edited by spiderowl
Posted

You felt a connection, but unfortunately he's unwilling to give you what you need relationship-wise. You've explained your position to him, but it's at odds with your behavior.

 

Stop engaging whenever he reaches out. He wants a phone buddy, and you continue to fill that role. As long as you do so, you won't be open to other romantic possibilities, and he won't stop. Radio silence is your friend!

  • Author
Posted
You felt a connection, but unfortunately he's unwilling to give you what you need relationship-wise. You've explained your position to him, but it's at odds with your behavior.

 

Stop engaging whenever he reaches out. He wants a phone buddy, and you continue to fill that role. As long as you do so, you won't be open to other romantic possibilities, and he won't stop. Radio silence is your friend!

 

Thanks. You are right about not engaging and I don't plan to now. I just don't understand why he'd talk as if we might move together in the future if he doesn't want a relationship. It's as if I was talking to two different people.

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Posted

I'm still not in contact with him and not planning to initiate contact again, but I am truly baffled at his behaviour and would really appreciate any thoughts on why someone would behave like this. Any guys who can see where he is coming from?

Posted
I just don't understand why he'd talk as if we might move together in the future if he doesn't want a relationship. It's as if I was talking to two different people.

 

I am truly baffled at his behaviour and would really appreciate any thoughts on why someone would behave like this. Any guys who can see where he is coming from?

 

My best guess is that he very much wants a relationship but is terrified of vulnerability. He can't bear the thought of losing you, and can't bear the thought of losing himself into a situation he can't control that would have the power to destroy him. The only place he can exist comfortably is the middle ground... staying in contact, talking about plans, but not allowing you to get close enough to engulf him. It's like holding onto the potential is preferable to either letting it go or making it happen.

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Posted (edited)
My best guess is that he very much wants a relationship but is terrified of vulnerability. He can't bear the thought of losing you, and can't bear the thought of losing himself into a situation he can't control that would have the power to destroy him. The only place he can exist comfortably is the middle ground... staying in contact, talking about plans, but not allowing you to get close enough to engulf him. It's like holding onto the potential is preferable to either letting it go or making it happen.

 

Thanks for your thoughts on this salparadise. I suppose I do feel that he wants a relationship of some sort but is panicking over it and behaving erratically. I can't let him mess me about like this but I feel sad about it.

 

I've gone no contact now because I felt the erratic phone calls and mixed messages were disrespectful to me, considering what he'd said previously. I'm worried about how he is though. Is he likely to try to contact me, do you think, or will he give up now? What do other guys think (or ladies of course :) )?

Edited by spiderowl
Posted
Thanks for your thoughts on this salparadise. I suppose I do feel that he wants a relationship of some sort but is panicking over it and behaving erratically. I can't let him mess me about like this but I feel sad about it.

 

I've gone no contact now because I felt the erratic phone calls and mixed messages were disrespectful to me, considering what he'd said previously. I'm worried about how he is though. Is he likely to try to contact me, do you think, or will he give up now? What do other guys think (or ladies of course :) )?

 

Yes, it is sad. There are so many lonely souls in the world dreaming of loving and being loved, being connected... who just aren't able to make it happen even when opportunity is knocking insistently. I suspect the erratic communication was merely a confused way of dealing with the fear by sabotaging.

 

I don't know what your inclination is, but I think it would be nice of you to contact him and explain in an understanding way how it makes you feel to be on the other end of inconsistency. This man might be an amazing person hiding behind a shield. If the two of you were to set aside the fear and overthinking, and just be focused on understanding... you might find something good.

 

Check out this page and see if there's something there that might apply.

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