blank656565 Posted April 2, 2015 Posted April 2, 2015 Ok – so I’m new here. I have been dating my girlfriend for two years. Things have been going great. We’re in love. We never fight beyond just bickering. We have talked about moving in together and starting a future. It’s been great. Until the last week or so. But I have to back up to tell the whole story. All winter she’s been bugging me about going on a vacation. It’s hard for me to manage with work, but on a few occasions, I offered her something small like 3 or 4 days away somewhere. She wanted a full week away, so we couldn’t come to an agreement. I also told her money was a factor. She offered to pay, which I felt uncomfortable with and turned down. After a while we just stopped talking about it. Things get more complicated. We both live somewhat near the beach. She decides she wants to go in on a summer beach house share with her friends and wants me involved. I tell it sounds like a nice idea but I couldn’t do a vacation AND a beach house financially. I also made it clear that if I’m spending that kind of money, I’d rather reopen the vacation conversation and go away somewhere. I’d prefer to spend the money on going away than going nearby. She had her sights set on this beach house, so eventually, I reluctantly agreed to join in on it. Seemed like some sort of compromise on a way we could spend extra time together. Well, a few weeks after I agree to join the beach house, she finds out her friends are going away to Las Vegasi for 3 or 4 days. She immediately books a flight and joins their vacation. Now I feel really, really annoyed, hurt, frustrated, jealous about this. I think there’s three reasons why… 1) I can’t help but feel burned by the way it went down. She wanted a vacation. I offered her a vacation in the way I could. I agreed to the beach house, which was clearly my second choice, in order to appease her. Then she turns around and books a 3-day trip, which is exactly what I offered in the first place. She gets the best of both worlds and I get the short end of the stick. I don’t think she did it maliciously but it’s still pretty crappy. 2) I’m man enough to admit that I’m not thrilled about the idea that she is going to be in Vegas dressed up going to clubs without me surrounded by plenty of preying guys. I trust her completely when it comes to cheating but the idea of it still isn’t my favorite to think about. 3) Worst of all, there’s really no possible resolution to any of this. She doesn’t feel she did anything wrong since she offered to pay for the vacation and I turned it down, which is a valid point. She begrudgingly and sarcastically offered to cancel the whole thing but I know she’d just resent me for that and I don’t want to control her. But it’s going to keep driving me nuts. So, now for the next month I have to hide the fact that this bothers me. And even more it will drive me nuts while she’s there. We already argued about this for a solid two days. And I don’t want to keep driving her crazy over it, but I just don’t feel any better. I don’t want this to effect our relationship but I don’t know how to handle it at this point. I feel like I’m backed into a corner and have to act like everything is fine. Am I wrong in feeling the way I do? How do I deal with these feelings in a way that’s fair to both me and fair? Any feedback would be greatly appreciated.
Buddhist Posted April 2, 2015 Posted April 2, 2015 First of all I would also be completely annoyed by that situation. I find it really inconsiderate when I have made plans with someone who then changes them last minute. If we have an agreement, we have an agreement. Stick to your end of the bargain please. And it sounds like what she really wanted wasn't a vacation with you at all but with her friends instead. Don't fight about it, that's not productive but I would calmly state my case in this situation. You know what, I compromised for you because I wanted you to be happy and I wanted to spend extra time with you. Now you are just going off and doing your own thing without even considering my feelings on this. I feel hurt and frustrated by your actions because you haven't considered me at all. Then I would decide on what you want out of the discussion and outright state what you want to open negotiations. If she's not willing to discuss and negotiate with you then you'll need to seriously reconsider a relationship with this person. Relationships in which one party is not willing to negotiate at all aren't relationships worth having. Sorry, but that's the truth of it.
preraph Posted April 2, 2015 Posted April 2, 2015 Just sounds to me like she wants to go do things and can afford it, and you can't afford it or don't want to or can't get off work, but that shouldn't stop her from going. My feeling is that going forward, you are going to have to let her go do things you don't want to go do. She wants to spend some time with her friends. She did invite you to the beachhouse thing with friends, so it's not like she's trying to get away from you. You guys do not have to only do things together. If you feel you can't trust her, then that's a bigger issue you will have to sort out. But not trusting her specific to going to a certain place is ridiculous. Because if she wants to have affairs, there's nothing to stop her from doing it right there where you live. She doesn't have to travel out of state to have a one-nighter. Not everyone takes the first opportunity away from their SO to cheat. If they're that way, they'll be doing it no matter where they're at. If they're not that way, then you have to trust them. 2
SawtoothMars Posted April 3, 2015 Posted April 3, 2015 I feel like I’m backed into a corner and have to act like everything is fine. Am I wrong in feeling the way I do? How do I deal with these feelings in a way that’s fair to both me and fair? Any feedback would be greatly appreciated. Tell her NO. What she did is wrong. Have her cancel this thing in Vegas OR take you with her. Be willing to let her pay your way. If you worry that she will "resent" you... then you have already lost. Your effort is much better spent not giving a crap about what she "resents" or not. She is the one who did wrong here... and it should be up to her to fix it. Nobody respects a doormat!
Author blank656565 Posted April 3, 2015 Author Posted April 3, 2015 Thanks for the responses!! To clarify, we never agreed vacation was off the table after committing to the beach house. I knew she still wanted to go and I just couldn't. I don't think it was "wrong" of her to go. I just feel after the effort and concessions I made, maybe I was owed a "Hey, I know you really tried to work out a vacation and I'm glad you agreed to the beach house, but I still would like to go away. An opportunity came up. How would you feel about me going?" I still would feel a little bit insecure about it being Vegas but at least I would feel she considered me in her decision making it. That would have gone a long way. We didn't reach any kind of resolution or agreement. I can't even imagine what a resolution would. She's already going. And now it's this source of frustration that I just have to bottle up and smile about for the next few weeks. Ugh.
Satu Posted April 3, 2015 Posted April 3, 2015 Thanks for the responses!! To clarify, we never agreed vacation was off the table after committing to the beach house. I knew she still wanted to go and I just couldn't. I don't think it was "wrong" of her to go. I just feel after the effort and concessions I made, maybe I was owed a "Hey, I know you really tried to work out a vacation and I'm glad you agreed to the beach house, but I still would like to go away. An opportunity came up. How would you feel about me going?" I still would feel a little bit insecure about it being Vegas but at least I would feel she considered me in her decision making it. That would have gone a long way. We didn't reach any kind of resolution or agreement. I can't even imagine what a resolution would. She's already going. And now it's this source of frustration that *I just have to bottle up and smile about for the next few weeks. Ugh. *No you don't. Let it go. Don't let spoil your day, and don't let it cause disharmony between you and your partner. Go outside, kick the fence, stamp your feet, spit, and say, "F*** it." You can keep the smile Sorted.
Diana.dellala Posted April 3, 2015 Posted April 3, 2015 No, you're not overreacting 1. You have the right to feel whatever emotion you feel, even if others don't understand; 2. Let me ask you a question: does she have any friend or anybody who might have turned her against you? You said that you started arguing only recently. That before it was something she wanted, but that it never was a big deal. And now she decided to share a summer house with friends. And she is going to Vegas with the same friends, right? Is it possible that one of these friends (or somebody she talks to or you both talk to) is getting her to overreact because of this holiday thing? You know, sometimes, girls (and people, in general) are jealous and try to sabotage relationships of others; sometimes a girl who breaks up with a guy wants her girl friends to be single, so they can party together; other times, for whatever reason, a girl could support her friends' desire, tell her that she was mistreated by her boyfriend or whatsoever, make a big deal out of it and that would trigger an overreaction or a fight between her friend and the boyfriend. Or sometimes there's a guy who pretends to be a friend, giving her tips and actually willing to bed her. You might want to try to ask her what her friends think about the whole holiday situation. What Mary says, what Joe says, what her mother or whoever says and so on. Ask that kind of questions. The goal is to find out if somebody is supporting her and making her think that you're not treating her as you should; 3. You don't have to pretend that everything is okay. Here are two ways you can deal with it: - you can pretend to be very sad, victimized, but without accusing her directly, just with your attitude (sighs, sad looks and so on)... For example, act sad for a while and then when she asks you why tell her that you believed in her, you trusted her and you were disappointed, that's all; that you thought she was different, that she wouldn't do something like that; that you would have never done something similar to her. In other words, show her that she hurt you, that you trusted her and she betrayed your trust. Make her feel guilty and do not stop until she apologizes; It works, if done correctly, although I prefer the second option; - don't pretend to be okay with that, whenever you get onto the subject try to make imagine to be in your shoes and see the situation from your viewpoint. One way could be, first of all, telling her that it's not that she's going that disappointed you, but it's because she didn't tell you anything, before making the decision. Then ask her "how would you like if I went to Vegas with my friends, to party there without you? What would you feel if I booked everything, before letting you know that I was going to do that? And let's pretend that I agreed to go on a longer vacation with you and then after everything was booked and paid for, I suddenly decided that I'm skipping the first three days because a friend of mine invited me to Mexico or wherever to celebrate his bachelor party?" That might be helpful to make her understand that she would feel the same if it was the other way around. After that, say those things you added: about what you expected from her, about you being "insecure about it being Vegas but at least feeling she considered you in her decision making it. That would have gone a long way" and so on That would be perfect! The basic most important thing is: do not accept something you don't like. Don't let anybody treat you in a way you don't like. If you do start compromising, sooner or later you might compromise too much, while she doesn't at all. If you don't value and respect yourself, why should others?
Author blank656565 Posted April 3, 2015 Author Posted April 3, 2015 No, you're not overreacting 1. You have the right to feel whatever emotion you feel, even if others don't understand; 2. Let me ask you a question: does she have any friend or anybody who might have turned her against you? You said that you started arguing only recently. That before it was something she wanted, but that it never was a big deal. And now she decided to share a summer house with friends. And she is going to Vegas with the same friends, right? Is it possible that one of these friends (or somebody she talks to or you both talk to) is getting her to overreact because of this holiday thing? You know, sometimes, girls (and people, in general) are jealous and try to sabotage relationships of others; sometimes a girl who breaks up with a guy wants her girl friends to be single, so they can party together; other times, for whatever reason, a girl could support her friends' desire, tell her that she was mistreated by her boyfriend or whatsoever, make a big deal out of it and that would trigger an overreaction or a fight between her friend and the boyfriend. Or sometimes there's a guy who pretends to be a friend, giving her tips and actually willing to bed her. You might want to try to ask her what her friends think about the whole holiday situation. What Mary says, what Joe says, what her mother or whoever says and so on. Ask that kind of questions. The goal is to find out if somebody is supporting her and making her think that you're not treating her as you should; 3. You don't have to pretend that everything is okay. Here are two ways you can deal with it: - you can pretend to be very sad, victimized, but without accusing her directly, just with your attitude (sighs, sad looks and so on)... For example, act sad for a while and then when she asks you why tell her that you believed in her, you trusted her and you were disappointed, that's all; that you thought she was different, that she wouldn't do something like that; that you would have never done something similar to her. In other words, show her that she hurt you, that you trusted her and she betrayed your trust. Make her feel guilty and do not stop until she apologizes; It works, if done correctly, although I prefer the second option; - don't pretend to be okay with that, whenever you get onto the subject try to make imagine to be in your shoes and see the situation from your viewpoint. One way could be, first of all, telling her that it's not that she's going that disappointed you, but it's because she didn't tell you anything, before making the decision. Then ask her "how would you like if I went to Vegas with my friends, to party there without you? What would you feel if I booked everything, before letting you know that I was going to do that? And let's pretend that I agreed to go on a longer vacation with you and then after everything was booked and paid for, I suddenly decided that I'm skipping the first three days because a friend of mine invited me to Mexico or wherever to celebrate his bachelor party?" That might be helpful to make her understand that she would feel the same if it was the other way around. After that, say those things you added: about what you expected from her, about you being "insecure about it being Vegas but at least feeling she considered you in her decision making it. That would have gone a long way" and so on That would be perfect! The basic most important thing is: do not accept something you don't like. Don't let anybody treat you in a way you don't like. If you do start compromising, sooner or later you might compromise too much, while she doesn't at all. If you don't value and respect yourself, why should others? Thanks so much for your thoughful reply! For one, the beach house friends and the vacation friends are two different groups of people. So, I don't have to worry about any kind of outside interference. In regard to the second point, a lot of that has been done. The first couple days after the vacation was booked, I made it very clear that I was unhappy - to the point that I barely talked to her or let her touch me. She got very upset by this. We did argue a lot, try talk it out, etc. And she did apologize a couple times. But I just don't feel much better about it. I guess I just don't think it's fair that all she has to do is give a simple apology. She still gets to go away and I still have to deal with the short end of the stick for the next few weeks. There was no resolution or compromise or agreement we reached. I know I can't keep guilt tripping her for the next month because that could ruin the relationship. But I can't just bottle it up and stay silent either. That's what I'm struggling with.
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