smoochie Posted April 2, 2015 Posted April 2, 2015 Question, If you have been in LTA with a MM and his wife finds out and asks for divorce, how do you believe he always wanted to be with you? Do you blame it on the MM's commitment to family that he never asked for a divorce on his own? His kids? If he has a history of cheating on his wife and now he's committed to a life with you, are you ok with that? Are you happy you can now be acknowledged as his fiance? Reason I'm asking, there is a situation in which a MM was kicked out of his home by his wife for infidelity. Eight weeks later, he proposed to the OW saying he lost everything but is now free to be with who he always wanted to be with. However, he would have kept lying to his wife and kept the OW if he could have. Do you as the OW feel like you're the soft place to land or his true soulmate? Do you consider the fact that if the wife didn't end the marriage, he would still be with her? Or do you just accept that you now have the MM and all is good? Does the fact that the MM never filed for divorce to be with OW ever come to mind? Can a woman ever be ok that situation? Any idea? 2
Grapesofwrath Posted April 2, 2015 Posted April 2, 2015 I think this OW should RUN! RUN RUN RUN for her life. This is a man who is afraid to be alone. Definitely using her as a soft place to land. He didn't leave because he didn't want to leave. And now he is coming to her to avoid the consequences of what he's done. The temptation to take him in will be very hard to resist. Perhaps impossible, after all the time she has invested. But she should proceed with extreme caution. 3
Josmatjes Posted April 2, 2015 Posted April 2, 2015 He really should be on his own for a bit with no contact and then see how he feels... 5
jellybean89 Posted April 3, 2015 Posted April 3, 2015 Sounds like the OW was Plan B. The MM did nothing to show the OW she was is chioice. She "got him" by default cause the wife kicked him out. The OW is not engaged to the MM - that's laughable. He's married. And he was kicked out..he didn't leave cause he was unhappy or in love with the OW. 7
whichwayisup Posted April 3, 2015 Posted April 3, 2015 I would say that relationship is doomed to fail. Trust issues will always be in the way, as well as the OW got him by default, not by choice. In NO way is this a soul mate situation. 4
dreamingoftigers Posted April 3, 2015 Posted April 3, 2015 What a great thread! That's really something to think about as an OM/OW. If you get your man/woman, is it real enough to sustain? Wow. I bet OP are rarely asked this as an endpoint. I know the failure rate for relationships/marriages that start as affairs is less than 2% after five years. That says more than enough to me. 2
Author smoochie Posted April 3, 2015 Author Posted April 3, 2015 Sounds like the OW was Plan B. The MM did nothing to show the OW she was is chioice. She "got him" by default cause the wife kicked him out. The OW is not engaged to the MM - that's laughable. He's married. And he was kicked out..he didn't leave cause he was unhappy or in love with the OW. MM says he told his wife how he felt about the OW, that she was who he wanted to be with all along. He lied until he couldn't lie about having the OW anymore so not sure how true he was being about his confession of love, but its possible. MM seemed relieved to be free and out in the open. We were all curious about how his OW felt. She seems thrilled but told someone when asked when the wedding date was that it was in a few years but it was complicated. They live in different states which require a plane ride to see each other. They both have kids so one of them will have to relocate their family or leave their kids. Are there any OW that would like to answer the questions? I am honestly curious. Is it enough to finally have him to yourself that the circumstances don't matter?
Author smoochie Posted April 3, 2015 Author Posted April 3, 2015 The main thing is he is a repeat offender. MM cheated throughout his entire marriage with different women. His wife knew of some of them and finally had enough. The OW knows of his history and thinks because they have an "open relationship" (they go to sex parties) his cheating isn't a problem.
whichwayisup Posted April 3, 2015 Posted April 3, 2015 The main thing is he is a repeat offender. MM cheated throughout his entire marriage with different women. His wife knew of some of them and finally had enough. The OW knows of his history and thinks because they have an "open relationship" (they go to sex parties) his cheating isn't a problem. Then she knows what she has signed up for. Hard to feel sorry for someone who inherits a serial cheater and decides to have an open relationship with them. Is she happy? 3
Author smoochie Posted April 3, 2015 Author Posted April 3, 2015 Then she knows what she has signed up for. Hard to feel sorry for someone who inherits a serial cheater and decides to have an open relationship with them. Is she happy? I think they are serious about each other but enjoy having sex with others. I think they are swingers. She sure seems happy. I guess no OW will come anywhere near this topic. I really am interested in hearing from some.
sisa Posted April 3, 2015 Posted April 3, 2015 I am in this kind of situation, I don't feel bad about the fact that it's the wife who initial the divorce. I think the divorce initial by her would probably let her feel hurting less than initial by MM. What she want is he leave me completely if he want to stay in marriage, so he know she will not divorce him if he leave me. He didn't do that, he told her he won't leave me, so in fact he do his decision to be with me even he know he will lose the current marriage. Maybe the way how we do looks not perfect in people's eyes. But I think the most important is how we can let things be smooth and less hurt. If he force she divorce, I don't think right now she would like to meet me and try to be amicable with me. their situation already has problem before I involve, and I think right now she realized this too. the things what she concern is not marriage itself, it's about if he will still do his responsibility and take care kids.
Hope Shimmers Posted April 3, 2015 Posted April 3, 2015 I guess no OW will come anywhere near this topic. I really am interested in hearing from some. Okay. I'm an OW. I think she is Plan B and should accept that. He is with her by default, because his wife was done with him. A real prize. He made no move to be with her while in his marriage, and even after his wife kicked him out, he made no move to be on his own. He wants a soft landing. I think that this woman should accept this and be prepared to be cheated on in the future. 8
Author smoochie Posted April 3, 2015 Author Posted April 3, 2015 Okay. I'm an OW. I think she is Plan B and should accept that. He is with her by default, because his wife was done with him. A real prize. He made no move to be with her while in his marriage, and even after his wife kicked him out, he made no move to be on his own. He wants a soft landing. I think that this woman should accept this and be prepared to be cheated on in the future. Thanks Hope. You stated your opinion on the matter, can you answer some of the questions I posed from your vantage point? Specifically, how do you come to terms with getting the MM by default as an OW?
goodyblue Posted April 3, 2015 Posted April 3, 2015 Impossible to say. For me, my guy had never cheated in 29 years til me. Our affair was pretty short and he left. We were careful to date, not just automatically live together etc. I think how it is all handled matters. The repeat offender thing is worrisome. 1
Hope Shimmers Posted April 3, 2015 Posted April 3, 2015 Thanks Hope. You stated your opinion on the matter, can you answer some of the questions I posed from your vantage point? Specifically, how do you come to terms with getting the MM by default as an OW? No, I can't answer those questions, as I have not been in the position to get the MM in any form. Thank God. You might ask goodyblue, as she hasn't yet experienced him cheating on her again, etc. She would have more insight on that than me. 1
Popsicle Posted April 3, 2015 Posted April 3, 2015 Back up plan? I don't know. *shrugs* I'd be too busy lovin on him and being happy to think about that. 1
anika99 Posted April 3, 2015 Posted April 3, 2015 I wouldn't be too concerned that the MM didn't pick the OW and leave the marriage for her as it's pretty dumb to leave a marriage just to be with someone else anyways. One should leave their marriage and divorce based on the state of the marriage itself and therein lies the problem. The MM never chose to end his marriage, never chose to divorce. I think it's pretty short sighted of both the MM and the OW to believe that one can end a marriage and just walk away into happily ever after. For one thing what about the years of lies and deceit and pretending? I get that the OW doesn't think the MM will cheat on her because they already allow each other to have sex with others but cheaters, especially serial cheaters, have bigger problems than just wanting sex with a variety of people. Dishonesty and disloyalty comes easy for them. They are selfish and conniving and just untrustworthy. If the MM and the OW have no plans to address these bigger issues then I think they are going to fail as a couple. I think the MM needs some serious therapy. Secondly, people need a couple of years to process and grieve the end of their marriage before they are ready for another serious committed relationship. That the MM left home just 8 weeks ago and he has already proposed to the OW is just downright silly. Sounds like the OW is giddy with happiness at the moment but I think the MM is setting her up for a big fall. I'm sure he's not doing it maliciously but he is taking advantage of her being available to be his soft landing while his marriage ends and once the dust settles he may find himself looking at the OW and wondering if he really wants to be tied down to another gf/wife. 2
Sub Posted April 3, 2015 Posted April 3, 2015 They live in different states which require a plane ride to see each other. They both have kids so one of them will have to relocate their family or leave their kids. I would ask what they're each looking to get out of being married at this point. Aside from the logistics that are going to make their R extremely taxing, they want to sleep with other people. Why not just stay single and do the FWB thing?
cocorico Posted April 3, 2015 Posted April 3, 2015 Secondly, people need a couple of years to process and grieve the end of their marriage before they are ready for another serious committed relationship. That the MM left home just 8 weeks ago and he has already proposed to the OW is just downright silly. That's quite a generalisation. People need as much time to "process and grieve" as their levels of investment require. Some people have spent the last however many years of their R "processing and grieving" and so they are well ready to move on. I know that at the point I left my 1st M there was nothing left to "process or grieve" - that was how I knew I was ready to leave the R. This guy's serial infidelity also suggests that he had checked out of the M years before, so likely no need for any "processing or grieving". My H proposed to me before he had even left the BW, and there was nothing "silly" about it. We were both ready to move our R to the next level, and we both had some logistics to resolve before we could be together - and disposing of his vestigial M was just one of those. He was certainly read for a committed R - I can't say "another" one, as I don't consider his previous M to have been such a thing as he seemed to be the only one who was at all committed. This MM, though, seems to be reluctant to confront issues, and seems content to have someone else make the decisions for him (to end the M) and that may or may not be a problem for the OW. I know in my R, it did matter to me that my H was the one to give the BW the boot, because it signalled that he was no longer prepared to put up with her treatment of him, and that he was taking ownership of his life and was choosing his own path rather than merely following what was laid out for him. Had his circumstances been different, perhaps it would have mattered less to me, but as a natural consequence of his counselling it was important that he was the one making that move. 1
devilish innocent Posted April 3, 2015 Posted April 3, 2015 A lot of OW believe that they are the only one the MM loves anyway. He's only staying with the wife due to kids, finances, guilt, etc. They don't view themselves as his second choice. I think the woman you mentioned is going to end up disappointed. 2
whichwayisup Posted April 4, 2015 Posted April 4, 2015 Thanks Hope. You stated your opinion on the matter, can you answer some of the questions I posed from your vantage point? Specifically, how do you come to terms with getting the MM by default as an OW? Sorry but isn't it obvious? He didn't ask for a divorce, his wife did. if he wanted to be with the OW full time, why didn't HE leave and divorce instead of waiting until his wife threw him out? This is what getting MM by default means. He did not choose to leave on his own. 1
ascendotum Posted April 4, 2015 Posted April 4, 2015 The main thing is he is a repeat offender. MM cheated throughout his entire marriage with different women. His wife knew of some of them and finally had enough. The OW knows of his history and thinks because they have an "open relationship" (they go to sex parties) his cheating isn't a problem. This little bit of extra info tips the view the for me. I was leaning on the OW now being a soft landing, but there was still some benefit of doubt in his favor that he may have actually come clean on his affair as the first step to changing his life, but if the current OW is just the last one in a chain of them...Nah, she should cancel getting serious with this guy. I was going to say she'll be a BS soon, but if they stick with the open relationship, then there is no need to cheat. Oh well as long as she isn't living in wishful thinking land. 1
Author smoochie Posted April 4, 2015 Author Posted April 4, 2015 MM claims that the OW is his one true love and was "trapped" in his marriage because of kids and family/friends thing. He didn't come clean, he was forcefully outed by others and tried to lie until he was cornered. He explained he was now able to live like he has always wanted to live and got engaged. It all sounds good until you look at it closer. The OW has lied for him to cover up their relationship so now that they are engaged, I have to wonder how you believe this won't happen to you. However after reading some of the OW who responded, its clear she thinks she is who he really loves and his wife was collateral damage. One posted she wouldn't even be thinking about how she got him as long as he did and would be happy loving on him. So I guess it's all a matter of perspective.
cocorico Posted April 5, 2015 Posted April 5, 2015 However after reading some of the OW who responded, its clear she thinks she is who he really loves and his wife was collateral damage. One posted she wouldn't even be thinking about how she got him as long as he did and would be happy loving on him. So I guess it's all a matter of perspective. Yep. As are as different as the people in them. Those inside the A know their R best, and are best placed to comment on whether they think it has legs or not.
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