katiemiller Posted April 2, 2015 Posted April 2, 2015 I have been dating my significant other for about 4 months now and everything has been going well. We hang out 3-4 times a week and we get along really well. We've been moving steadily, but not too fast. We say we're dating, but don't refer to each other as bf and gf yet. The only thing that bothers me is that he's not very affectionate. He rarely compliments me, never surprises me, no flowers, the usual girly/dating stuff. I don't really mind, as I get kind of embarrassed by that stuff, but every once in a while I would like the reassurance. I know his parents and family aren't very affectionate and he has had issues with exes cheating on him in the past. Has anyone ever dealt with this? Have you changed it? I don't want to nag, but I know I should eventually speak up if the opportunity presents itself. I want him to know, but I don't want to blame him.
kayla73 Posted April 2, 2015 Posted April 2, 2015 What does he do? Do you feel more like buddies when you are together? Is he all about you when you are together? The good thing though is that if this is something you wouldn't be able to deal with, you can walk away. It doesn't sound like the relationship is serious yet.
Redhead14 Posted April 2, 2015 Posted April 2, 2015 I have been dating my significant other for about 4 months now and everything has been going well. We hang out 3-4 times a week and we get along really well. We've been moving steadily, but not too fast. We say we're dating, but don't refer to each other as bf and gf yet. The only thing that bothers me is that he's not very affectionate. He rarely compliments me, never surprises me, no flowers, the usual girly/dating stuff. I don't really mind, as I get kind of embarrassed by that stuff, but every once in a while I would like the reassurance. I know his parents and family aren't very affectionate and he has had issues with exes cheating on him in the past. Has anyone ever dealt with this? Have you changed it? I don't want to nag, but I know I should eventually speak up if the opportunity presents itself. I want him to know, but I don't want to blame him. You cannot change someone else. They have to want to change. But you can and should make your needs and desires known in a non-critical, non-threatening way. And, try positive reinforcement first. In other words, each time he actually does compliment you or give you some affection, be sure to let him know how much you appreciate it and how it makes you feel. If some time has passed and he hasn't done anything in the way of affection, etc. you can say something like "I really like the feeling I get when you . . ." and smile. Then wait to see if he picks it up a little. Do this every once in a while. Or, take his hand when you're walking together. Show him what you want from him. It takes patience, but it does work sometimes. Be sure to compliment him as well. Don't go overboard, but tell him he looks good in them jeans or that jacket, etc. 2
Gaeta Posted April 2, 2015 Posted April 2, 2015 Dating is about finding a compatible partner. If gestures of love and affection are important to you then you aren't compatible. If after 4 months he has already stopped making efforts imagine how it will be in 10 years. Sure you can ask him to make an effort and he can come up with some effort but it won't last and you will always feel like you have to demand affection to get it. There are a lot of things I am ready to bend over to accommodate a boyfriend and our relationship but when it comes to tenderness, affection and love he's got to have something to show. It's up to you to decide how important this is for your happiness. 1
preraph Posted April 2, 2015 Posted April 2, 2015 There's no point in telling someone to do those things because then if they do them, it won't mean anything. Not everyone is all gifty and verbally affectionate. If he's treating you well and seems protective and got your back and you both seem to enjoy each other physically, and he's not just hitting it and that's the only interest he has in you but likes to go places and do things with you, then maybe it shouldn't be a big deal. But if he just seems to be taking what he wants out of the relationship and not putting something valuable into the mix, then it's time for a change. 2
Satu Posted April 2, 2015 Posted April 2, 2015 The relationship you have is the relationship you have today. The past and the future are of no value. If you like your relationship today, you'll probably like it tomorrow. If you don't like it today, you probably won't like it tomorrow. All we have is in the present moment. 1
edgygirl Posted April 2, 2015 Posted April 2, 2015 If you study the Myers Briggs (MBTI) personality types (there are 16 types) you will learn that a few types are not emotional / affectionate / feeling types. These are usually the introverted thinkers / rational types. Personally that's the kind of man I prefer. I am an extroverted feeler type, and having someone who is less emotional balances me out. Still I am an affectionate person and do like someone who is affectionate so I struggle a little when dating these kind of person. But everything in life is a choice. I prefer a colder guy over a super extrovert that would make my brains explode. Learn about yourself and what you need and see what you can take or not in a relationship, but don't expect other people to change their nature. Many times it's not even possible from a psychological standpoint. In the other hand, you can talk with him and say you need a little more displays of affection and if he could accommodate that. Sometimes people are not even aware of what they're doing / not doing.
Recommended Posts