Quokka Posted April 2, 2015 Posted April 2, 2015 (edited) Long ass story because a lot happened but I'll try to sum it up as much as possible for sake of running out of letters. Basically me and this chick always have something between us whenever she gets single. Last Summer it happened for about a week. We'd hang out, kiss, cuddle, hook up occasionally and all the while my feelings grew for her while she still had feelings for the ex. Just recently I hung out with her again about 2 weeks ago. We did a drug together and it turned into us having a great time laughing hanging out and hooking up. After the hook up I say her interest was very high and we continued to hang out every day for about a week. But as that week went by it's like her interest kept dropping day by day (less texts, more distant, on the phone when we hang out) . So I decided to call her out on it last night. I asked her why she always gets distant from me and it eventually came to her telling me that: "I just need friends to be here with me right now. I do like you, but I can't be in a healthy relationship right now. I would be lying if I said I was over my ex. I'm not. I like you but it wouldn't be fair for us to start talking if I wasn't 100% in it" I told her I have no problem being a friend to her but a friend is just not what I can see her as because I'm attracted to her in more ways than just friends I also told her that I never meant to put any kind of pressure on her to feel like we had to have a relationship because honestly I would be perfectly okay with just hooking up and hanging out. I'm not completely sure why she feels we have to start talking and dating even though I wouldn't mind that scenario either. She told me she doesn't want to stop hanging out and she made that clear because she said it 2-3 times but it always ends up being that way. She'll become more distant, less calls, less texts, then she'll eventually go back to the ex more than likely but who even knows. I just don't know what to do. Can anyone decipher what this girl is actually trying to tell me but saying it differently for the sake of my feelings? Or what does it seem like to you? Edited April 2, 2015 by Quokka
Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646 Posted April 2, 2015 Posted April 2, 2015 Do you have feelings for her, or just feelings of lust? I guess you need to ask yourself if you can stay in a FWB zone, because that's all she wants apparently.
PegNosePete Posted April 2, 2015 Posted April 2, 2015 She has told you exactly where you stand. You will always be her backup plan. Giving her companionship and sex when she has no-one else. But as soon as someone she likes comes along you will be placed on the back burner. If you're good with that, then feel free to carry on. But if you want more then you have to realize that you'll never get it. If you can't handle that then you need to cut contact. 1
Strength in Healing Posted April 2, 2015 Posted April 2, 2015 Hey all. Reason #154987 that friends with benefits NEVER WORKS OUT! You want to get back at her? Get your life together, drop the drugs. And stop being willing to be used. Make something of yourself worth pining after.
Author Quokka Posted April 2, 2015 Author Posted April 2, 2015 Do you have feelings for her, or just feelings of lust? I guess you need to ask yourself if you can stay in a FWB zone, because that's all she wants apparently. I have feelings for her. I could see myself with her which is why I continued to stick around. There's of course feelings of lust too but I don't even know if she wants to **** anymore bc she didn't make that clear either.
Author Quokka Posted April 2, 2015 Author Posted April 2, 2015 She has told you exactly where you stand. You will always be her backup plan. Giving her companionship and sex when she has no-one else. But as soon as someone she likes comes along you will be placed on the back burner. If you're good with that, then feel free to carry on. But if you want more then you have to realize that you'll never get it. If you can't handle that then you need to cut contact. This seems pretty accurate even though it's harsh. That is what she has always done. I'm not the only one she does it to either. We just have more connection than her other hook ups.
Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646 Posted April 2, 2015 Posted April 2, 2015 I have feelings for her. I could see myself with her which is why I continued to stick around. There's of course feelings of lust too but I don't even know if she wants to **** anymore bc she didn't make that clear either. Well it sounds like you're a bit torn... If you have feelings for her, I think you need to stay away, otherwise you'll just get hurt. That being said if you just want to **** her, then I would tell her that you're OK just being friends and don't want a relationship right now. Only say this if you mean it though.
Author Quokka Posted April 2, 2015 Author Posted April 2, 2015 Well it sounds like you're a bit torn... If you have feelings for her, I think you need to stay away, otherwise you'll just get hurt. That being said if you just want to **** her, then I would tell her that you're OK just being friends and don't want a relationship right now. Only say this if you mean it though. Staying away is really tough because she hangs around my circle of friends. And I mean I'm not really okay with just being friends. I'm just afraid I'll be stuck in the dreaded friendzone everyone talks about.
BlueIris Posted April 2, 2015 Posted April 2, 2015 (edited) She is in “just-hook-up” mode. If you want more than that, she’s not the one for you now. But, there is someone for you, somewhere else. PS. Quokkas are the cutest most loveable freaking things in the world. You’ve got it made. Edited April 2, 2015 by BlueIris
Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646 Posted April 2, 2015 Posted April 2, 2015 Staying away is really tough because she hangs around my circle of friends. And I mean I'm not really okay with just being friends. I'm just afraid I'll be stuck in the dreaded friendzone everyone talks about. Dude you're already in the friendzone lol. Sure, you've been ****ing her so its more like the FWBzone, but you're not getting a relationship out of it. You need to control your feelings for her, especially if not seeing her wont work. I suggest you stop sleeping with her because it will just amplify these feelings if you cant keep them in check. 1
d0nnivain Posted April 2, 2015 Posted April 2, 2015 I have feelings for her. I could see myself with her which is why I continued to stick around. There's of course feelings of lust too but I don't even know if she wants to **** anymore bc she didn't make that clear either. If you have feelings you have to cut her off. She doesn't. She is OK with sex when there is no one else for her to have sex with but she does not want anything more to do with you. That sucks for you. But until you affirmatively cut off her supply, you won't get over her & she will use you like this as long as you let her.
Diana.dellala Posted April 3, 2015 Posted April 3, 2015 Do you really really want her? Because it might not be easy at all to get her to see you differently. Actually, from what you say here, I'm pretty sure it won't. She is using you to suffocate that yearning towards her ex. She cannot really appreciate you because what she really wants is her ex. Everybody else isn't important at the moment. In order to make her really WANT YOU, and I mean not just like any random guy or FWB, but YOU... Just because it's you, there's a number of things you should do: 1. You would need to change the associations she's got with you. From what you say here, this is not the first time she's doing this. Therefore, probably she knows that if she breaks up with somebody, there's always you who could give her some emotional and physical intimacy... That's not who she really wants, but that's better than nothing. You would need to change that. You should aim at becoming the most valuable guy to her. She already has months or years of associations with you and that makes it more challenging. That it is why it is much easier to do that with a new girl you don't know yet. That is why you should decide first if it's worth the fight. Actually some guys study and go through a training to attract women and avoid conditions like this. However here's what you can try to do on your own; 2. Get more access to her thoughts. Find out more about her, about her fears, her wishes, her expectations, her hopes. What did she dream about when she was a child? What does she expect from a relationship? What does turn her on? And off? What's her favorite food? And her favorite word? Swear word? What's her least favorite word? What's her worst fear? You know, something that gives you an idea about her, her emotions and what she thinks when she's not talking. Gain her trust. That's something that can make a girl change her mind about a guy and get her attracted to him, even if before she couldn't even picture herself hooking up with him. Trust me. I've seen that happening more than once. 2,5 If possible share more experiences, hobbies, things you can do together, projects; if possible, help her out in something she likes or considers important (if that doesn't involve too much effort). Every occasion is good to stay together and return to step #2; 3. Do not accept being just a friend. Tell her you want more than a friendship, more than just hook ups. Tell her that you want a serious relationship with her because you want HER and whatever that involves. If you do that, you'll show her that you don't consider her just a girl you hook up with. You want Her, not just any girl. That's something really valuable. She might not be ready, but she will appreciate that. Tell her that you are willing to give her time, but that's what you're aiming at, just to let her know Tell her that you let her treat you that way (hooking up with you in between relationships, as she did with any other random friend) you don't really know why, but it won't happen again. You can do better than that. That will let her know that you do value yourself, that you do deserve more and that you don't think she treated you as someone valuable deserves to be treated. Because she knows she treated you as any random FWBzone guy. If you say that or something like that, calmly, as a matter of fact (without accusing or making a scene, obviously) she might be surprised, but eventually that will add more value to you. And she will respect you more. She will walk away only if she is 100% she doesn't want anything but a couple of hook-ups with you in between relationships, because she doesn't want to hurt you. But it would be better to know that sooner than later when you are more involved, wouldn't it? If she stays, that a good sign, it is likely she is seriously considering your offer. 3.5 From time to time, get back to the subject of starting a relationship with her. Observe her reaction. Do not push too much and get to lighter topics if you see she is more uncomfortable than eager. Get back to step # 2. And then again, after a while, to step # 3. Alternate. 4. (Optional) In the meanwhile, you might try meeting other girls. Because that way your attention won't get stuck on this girl. When one has more alternatives, it is easier to say no to certain things one doesn't like. You will also have an additional opportunity to compare and see if the game worth the candle or if there are other girls that deserve a great guy like you more than she does 5. You might also learn more about how attraction works and what you could easily implement in your life to win any girls' heart Good luck!
chelsey Posted April 3, 2015 Posted April 3, 2015 I agree with Diana! you need your time together to be more Datey. She's going to need time to get over her ex, and if you are always there while she is wishy washy about him then that is all you will be to her. If she does leave him for good it will be hard for her to transition to something more with such a casual history. It seems like you are both being honest which is good, even if she isn't saying what you want to hear, it means she respects you enough to be honest. You should keep your distance while she is with her ex/boyfriend. When she is single, plan something super fun to do together. You need to show her that you are more fun and interesting and worth spending time with. She will still be thinking about her ex since it's fresh but if you want her you have to show her you are the better person. Be cautious however. If she is hooking up with you she may hook up with other people if you break up or have a fight. She doesn't seem to know what she wants so you need to convince her with your actions! be fun and positive and he will want to be around you.
Erised Posted April 3, 2015 Posted April 3, 2015 . You need to show her that you are more fun and interesting and worth spending time with. She will still be thinking about her ex since it's fresh but if you want her you have to show her you are the better person.. Competing with another person is never a good idea. If you are needing to compete you've already lost. 1
SSM3 Posted April 3, 2015 Posted April 3, 2015 If you like her stick in there. A no doesn't necessarily have to be forever. Time to ramp up the charm my friend!
Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646 Posted April 3, 2015 Posted April 3, 2015 If you like her stick in there. A no doesn't necessarily have to be forever. Time to ramp up the charm my friend! It's not efficient or advisable to get hung up on one person who isn't available. You want someone who wants to be with you without manipulation.
d0nnivain Posted April 3, 2015 Posted April 3, 2015 . Just recently I hung out with her again about 2 weeks ago. We did a drug together and it turned into us having a great time laughing hanging out and hooking up. I missed this little tid bit the 1st time around but you can't base a meaningful healthy long term relationship on the fact that you break the law together.
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