DJOkawari Posted April 2, 2015 Posted April 2, 2015 I posted this in a different thread (last post in it) but I didn't get any responses, not sure what that means so, I'll try one more time. To summarize the issue quickly, in a LTR I find that I personally stagnate. I achieve some goals, but at a much, much slower rate than I would if I were single. The problem is that this slowing of achievement and growth as a person really does weigh on me (I feel negatively towards myself for not meeting my potential and doing things that are important to me) and this weighs on the relationship and eventually leads to it crumbling. Then I'm distraught for a few months and then I'm back attacking my goals with the kind of vigor I had before the relationship started then I meet someone new...and the cycle repeats. I would say I'm happier with myself personally when I am in that single stage and I am happier with my life in general in a relationship. The converse is that I'm rather dissatisfied with my life when I'm single and I end up fairly dissatisfied with myself personally when I'm in a relationship. I can't really see how to reconcile these feelings. Anyone get what I mean? Any tips? I can elaborate if that would help as well.
Michelle ma Belle Posted April 2, 2015 Posted April 2, 2015 Maybe it has something to do with the kind people you're getting into relationships with. If you're one to have goals and dreams and are very motivated to achieve them with vim and vigor perhaps you need someone who shares those same aspirations. It's nice to meet someone that isn't exactly the same or have the exact same vision for their future as you do but often times that can impact the journey we're on long term both good and bad. Does this make some sense? Can you elaborate a bit more on your relationships?
Frank2thepoint Posted April 2, 2015 Posted April 2, 2015 Your post about a LTR sounds like some business strategy. Maybe that's why you are having issues. It's not a business, it's emotional. You're approaching it by calculating gains, loss, and return on investment, but for you alone. You're not considering what a LTR is for the other person you are with. You're supposed to share in the journey. You also put a lot of pressure on yourself to perform, as if you are giving yourself a quarterly performance review. People make mistakes and they (hopefully) learn from them and (hopefully) improve. Another thing is you haven't mentioned if you've communicated your concerns in the LTR. You can't solve anything without communicating.
Author DJOkawari Posted April 2, 2015 Author Posted April 2, 2015 (edited) Thanks for the responses guys! I was a bit "cold" about it because of 2 things: 1. I wanted to keep it brief. I'll elaborate now. 2. I'm looking backwards at what was an extremely emotional time for me, but now I'm 5 months removed and considering it. And I just want to clear up something about the "goals". They're more like dreams in the sense that there are a number of experiences I would like to have and they are challenging to have, so it's actually a full time effort to try and reach any of these, if that makes sense. I sort of begin to hate myself if I am not achieving something along these lines. I'm much happier with myself now. I guess it all stems from the idea that if I'm going to be alive, I'd like to spend it in a certain variety of ways. Maybe it has something to do with the kind people you're getting into relationships with. If you're one to have goals and dreams and are very motivated to achieve them with vim and vigor perhaps you need someone who shares those same aspirations. It's nice to meet someone that isn't exactly the same or have the exact same vision for their future as you do but often times that can impact the journey we're on long term both good and bad. Does this make some sense? Can you elaborate a bit more on your relationships? Yeah, I think it makes perfect sense. That's basically what I concluded prior to my most recent relationship. In my most recent one, I believe I met someone like that. We dreamed of achieving our goals together (some were complementary, some were individual), supporting each other, and celebrating each other. The relationship was quite good, best I've had so far (she echoes this) and I hope we can at least be friends in the future (haven't heard from her in a while...still in NC from my end, just to be safe/I'm pretty happy why mess with it?). I guess the issues that arose are that we spent a lot of time in the relationship (which we certainly didn't mind at the time), and so both her and I ended up continuing to work on our goals but at a slower pace than when we broke up. She broke up with me for an entirely other reason (though maybe this was the root cause, idk). But basically in the months after the break up aside from being extremely sad, I began to fill the new free time I had with my goals (the whole, go NC and work on yourself sort of deal) and I made more progress in the most recent 2 months than I had in the 1.5 years prior and it doesn't look like I'm going to slow down. And that makes me really happy. Sure, I miss a lot of our tender moments and the amazing times we had (we would travel a lot together and those memories are etched as "the best of times" in my mind), but when I think of if we were trying to work it out and our day to day interactions, I'm happier this way I think. And it isn't really just about her in particular. I don't think a different or "better" girl is really a solution in that sense either, we were actually really compatible. Of course, the reason I am posting is that feelings don't work that way at all and so when I do end up having an amazing connection with someone down the road, I'll be at the threshold of that same sort of intense relationship again and I'll be tempted to indulge myself, and I'll feel guilty kind of like eating far, far too much chocolate. Does that make sense? I feel like I'm just playing around and that my content-ness is undeserved (and that I could deserve it later in life). Both her and I did make this point to each other at separate times: "I wish I met you later in life". Your post about a LTR sounds like some business strategy. Maybe that's why you are having issues. It's not a business, it's emotional. You're approaching it by calculating gains, loss, and return on investment, but for you alone. You're not considering what a LTR is for the other person you are with. You're supposed to share in the journey. You also put a lot of pressure on yourself to perform, as if you are giving yourself a quarterly performance review. People make mistakes and they (hopefully) learn from them and (hopefully) improve. Another thing is you haven't mentioned if you've communicated your concerns in the LTR. You can't solve anything without communicating. Ah, sorry to make it seem that way, the relationship was extremely emotional and I was extremely emotional when it ended. I didn't really talk about her needs because it ended almost 5 months ago and I'm pondering this from a more philosophical sense. Like I wrote above: I feel like the joy I get from an LTR is an indulgence that I don't deserve yet. In my most recent relationship we would spend all day texting and see each other almost every evening/night during the week. During the weekends we'd wake up together and enjoy the day together. We were basically inseparable because any experience I had was amplified by her. She was my best friend, my muse, and the sexiest thing I ever saw all wrapped up into an interesting and unpredictable person. I just didn't feel like typing that stuff before. From the way she expressed herself I believe I was these things for her as well. I do put a lot of pressure on myself to perform, but I'm really coming at this from the angle that: In my LTR I made decent progress (maybe even the amount of progress people expect a person to make). In the 2 months since I stopped being completely heartbroken, I've eclipsed that 1.5 years of work and more and it's making me quite happy. It's in a different sort of way than being in the relationship made me happy. Rather than being content and pleased with how things are, I'm full of discontent and pleased with how things are progressing. I feel like I'm the best version of myself I have ever been. I'm feeling sharper than ever. I'm basically just writing to ask: How do you think I should reconcile these feelings? I know that when I have an amazing connection with someone new I will feel guilty for indulging myself in that. I'll probably begin to resent the situation from the start, but also I'll want to be with them and treat them well etc. It basically makes me feel like I'm not cut out to be romantically close to someone in that way - I'll probably hurt them, I've basically got one foot out the door and I haven't even met them yet. Edited April 2, 2015 by DJOkawari
Michelle ma Belle Posted April 2, 2015 Posted April 2, 2015 Thanks for the responses guys! I was a bit "cold" about it because of 2 things: 1. I wanted to keep it brief. I'll elaborate now. 2. I'm looking backwards at what was an extremely emotional time for me, but now I'm 5 months removed and considering it. And I just want to clear up something about the "goals". They're more like dreams in the sense that there are a number of experiences I would like to have and they are challenging to have, so it's actually a full time effort to try and reach any of these, if that makes sense. Yeah, I think it makes perfect sense. That's basically what I concluded prior to my most recent relationship. In my most recent one, I believe I met someone like that. We dreamed of achieving our goals together (some were complementary, some were individual), supporting each other, and celebrating each other. The relationship was quite good, best I've had so far (she echoes this) and I hope we can at least be friends in the future (haven't heard from her in a while...still in NC from my end, just to be safe/I'm pretty happy why mess with it?). I guess the issues that arose are that we spent a lot of time in the relationship (which we certainly didn't mind at the time), and so both her and I ended up continuing to work on our goals but at a slower pace than when we broke up. She broke up with me for an entirely other reason (though maybe this was the root cause, idk). But basically in the months after the break up aside from being extremely sad, I began to fill the new free time I had with my goals (the whole, go NC and work on yourself sort of deal) and I made more progress in the most recent 2 months than I had in the 1.5 years prior and it doesn't look like I'm going to slow down. And that makes me really happy. Sure, I miss a lot of our tender moments and the amazing times we had (we would travel a lot together and those memories are etched as "the best of times" in my mind), but when I think of if we were trying to work it out and our day to day interactions, I'm happier this way I think. And it isn't really just about her in particular. I don't think a different or "better" girl is really a solution in that sense either, we were actually really compatible. Of course, the reason I am posting is that feelings don't work that way at all and so when I do end up having an amazing connection with someone down the road, I'll be at the threshold of that same sort of intense relationship again and I'll be tempted to indulge myself, and I'll feel guilty kind of like eating far, far too much chocolate. Does that make sense? I feel like I'm just playing around and that my content-ness is undeserved (and that I could deserve it later in life). Both her and I did make this point to each other at separate times: "I wish I met you later in life". I think you have your answer then. If you have all these wonderful goals and dreams you want to pursue and achieve then you need to go out and get them. If that means you stay single for a while until that happens then so be it. The last thing you want is to look back with regrets or worse, blame your partner in anyway for not having achieved all that you could have. On the flip side I think it's important to always strive for balance in one's life. It's great to have long term vision and plans but at what cost? You might be missing out on a lot of great experiences in the now because you're so focused on the future. Again, nothing wrong with that necessarily. Perhaps you need to take some time and really think about where your priorities are and find a way to make peace with it. No one said we can't have it all. Sometimes we just can't have it all at the same time. Good luck. 1
Author DJOkawari Posted April 2, 2015 Author Posted April 2, 2015 Thanks for the response again! Yeah, that sounds good. I've been thinking that staying single is the correction decision as well. I just felt that it was unhealthy (the balance thing you were saying) to commit to remaining single for a large amount of time. It's certainly not "normal", plus I feel this is a time in my life to mature emotionally as well, so hopefully I don't end up stunted. Also, I agree 100% with the regret thing, that's basically what was tearing me apart in the relationship. I definitely don't want to blame my prospective partner, it isn't their burden . To wrap it all up: I admit, fairly often, I do feel lonely and yearn for that closeness - around once a day, but that's part of the sacrifice I guess (my mind still flickers to my ex during this, but I'm sure another person could take her place). I think maybe something more casual would be more suited for my lifestyle. Thanks for the help. 1
Els Posted April 3, 2015 Posted April 3, 2015 I honestly think the "everyone can have it all!" modern mantra, while somewhat motivating, isn't necessarily true. This is broached most often in the context of women in high-ranking jobs, but IMO life is a juggling act for pretty much everyone. There are only 24 hours in a day, and at the end of the day you do have to decide how you want to balance and prioritize things. Relationships do take time, as does a career, exercise, hobbies, friends, so on and so forth. If you focus on any of these things at the exclusion of one or more of the others, you will likely be better at it. But is it worth it? That is a question you have to ask yourself. Being in the right relationship does motivate you and does still leave you free to pursue your other goals... but it doesn't change the fact that any LTR still takes time, effort, and occasionally sacrifice. Same goes with anything in life worth doing. The choices we make about how we balance different aspects of life tends to define who we are. 1
Author DJOkawari Posted April 3, 2015 Author Posted April 3, 2015 Well, yeah I have no clue if it is worth it...I can only say that feeling like "my life was passing me by" was the biggest source of unhappiness for me in my previous relationship. She broke up with me but I was fairly relieved when it happened (for that reason particularly) and right now (because I no longer feel like "my life is passing me by") I miss her a lot and it hurts extra because she's (probably) moved on but I figure that's just how the human mind works. I just want what I can't have. I remember clearly that there was period where I was upset that I didn't have enough time and then a period after that where I just gave up. Giving up was a huge mental blow to me. I gained weight, became antisocial, abused substances, etc. and I've remedied a lot of this but I'm still recovering mentally from that period. I just wanted to ask this question to see if others had the same issues. I think my next LTR is a ways away considering how unhappy I am with myself and how many questions I have regarding life, my direction, and my beliefs at the moment. I imagine this difficult period will come to pass, I just have to stay strong and not use any crutches to get through it.
SupportiveGuy Posted April 4, 2015 Posted April 4, 2015 There is a type of relationship that won't force you to make sacrifices. You just need to realize that, and this conflict of interest will evaporate. Put it all down on paper, do some hard thinking, decide what you want. Pick things from your single life and relationship life that mesh together well. Think hard about the other things. It is possible to have a family and enjoy your life. You just have to decide that's true before you can do it. 1
Recommended Posts