Realisation

[totenkopf]

Hi guys I broke up with my ex girlfriend in October last year after 10 months together although it was a short relationship it was very intense from early on. I had known her for many years prior to starting a relationship when she contacted me after a friend died, we ended up talking and starting a relationship about a month after she contacted me.

 

She had a five year old son who I was involved with from the start and over the course of the relationship I would become involved to the point of him being regularly left in my care if she was at work and such.

 

My emotional relationship with her was very deep and we both told each other that we had always wanted to be together which was true on my side and I told her it was a dream come true that we were finally together. At the time I was still married to my now ex wife as she had not complied with my attempt to start divorce proceedings and had moved so I had no way to send the documents. My girlfriend at the time made such effort and located her with the help of a friend and searching online voting registers. The proceedings finally went ahead and we even celebrated by going out with her friend who had helped us.

 

We planned on getting married once my divorce was finalised and she even went as far as to purchase a dress and was enquiring and searching venues for the wedding and reception. She even claimed to have a bottle of Champagne that we would celebrate with once my divorce was finalised.

 

During the course of the relationship there were a large number of arguments and it would often result in her leaving and going into town and going out drinking. She would always end up calling me and texting me later in the evening or early morning saying she was sorry and missed and loved me but I would often be asleep and at times when I would contact her the next morning she would deny this and continue the argument. The arguments would start over things such as- I picked her up from work one evening and she suggested that we go into her work as her co workers wanted to meet me, as I was driving I declined and an argument started. Another example was when she suggested I took a day off work which I booked and she apparently forgot and said she would cover her friend on that day, I simply could not see how someone suggests for you to book the day off then covers her friend at work on that day. Regardless of these arguments we both told each other how much we loved each other and missed each other when we were apart.

 

The last 5 months of the relationship due to an injury I was signed off of work and would take her son to school with her every morning and would do all of her laundry as she basically lived at my house. I would cook her breakfast every morning and would often prepare her dinner for when she returned from work. I would drive her to work and pick her up every day. The week before she left she viewed a flat as we had been planning on getting our own flat for a long time. I also helped her prepare for her sons birthday which was a week after she left me. I even signed a card to her son with her.

 

One night she walked out and accused me of pushing her to the ground, before leaving she had stolen my mobile phone and deleted pictures of of my laptop. That was the end and I was devastated she broke all contact a week later. Two months later she is in a relationship with a bouncer at her work and got engaged to him after 6 weeks. He has since sent me a picture of the ring and she has told him she never loved me and made me out as a bum.

 

At first it was awful seeing how quickly she had moved on but recently I have come to the realisation that I really have not lost an honest or decent person from my life, for months I kept thinking about all of her words and promises and all of the times we shared along with her son, but now I am focusing on what a poor person she really is. Her actions in no way add up to her words. For a woman who had claimed that she had wanted to be together for years and wanted to marry me and even went as far as to call us a family she certainly got over the relationship very quickly and found not just another partner but got engaged to him after less than two months. Her new boyfriend is into shooting animals which she expressed her hatred of to me and even shouted abuse at hunters during our relationship also he is into graffiti and is a gangster type which she also expressed her dislike of, so basically nothing she told me or that I thought I knew about her adds up to her actions.

 

I have realised that I was dealing with a person with no decency or honesty within her and have seen that this woman is a user and a liar she is now lying to her new boyfriend and although I have not been with anyone since my breakup I would sooner be single than be with someone who is a compulsive liar, at the time I really fell for her words and it took me a long time to get over the aftermath but I really think that it has helped me seeing how easily she moved on to someone who is everything she claimed to dislike and the fact he even has to resort to sending me pictures of the ring further makes me see how childish they are. To me lying to someone about wanting them for years and all the trimmings and involving their child like she did is the lowest of the low, she is worse than a cheat in my opinion.

 

Have any of you guys had any similar experiences and/ or realisations after a relationship? Thanks .

[GoBlue]

The answer is "yes" we have all been there in one form or another. Everything you have described is another example of why relationships are best built slow and steady. When you start "hot and heavy" it usually means without much clarity of though, infatuation and love are not the same thing. The fact that she exposed you to her five year old son so quickly would have been enough of a red flag to slow down - wayyyy down. By the way, living together before marriage is not a good idea if you want the marriage to last. Studies have shown over-and-over again that couples who co-habitat e before marriage have lower marital satisfaction, more instances of domestic abuse, and a higher rate of divorce. I am sorry for the pain you have experienced but I hope it's a lessoned learned and that healing comes quick. Blessings!

[totenkopf]

Thanks for your reply

Yeah it should have been a red flag but as she filled me up with so much bull I just thought it was meant to be you know. At least I have learned that you can never believe a person on their words no matter how much they make out you can trust them. I look back and cringe in a way now and she even used to tell me that a few certain song was how she felt about me, I just think that someone who carries on like that then claim to never have loved you are seriously sick in the head.

[I_Give_Up67]

Have any of you guys had any similar experiences and/ or realisations after a relationship? Thanks .

 

 

 

Yes, several times here too. They told me all the stuff I wanted to hear, sucked me dry emotionally and financially then found excuses to dump me or made me dump them. It happens my friend. Do not let this experience prevent you from moving on and finding a decent woman.

[totenkopf]

Thanks for your reply

I certainly will not let it hinder me in finding a decent woman but will certainly be very careful in future and not ignore anything that I know is dodgy

[DivorcedDad123]

The term Borderline Personality is thrown around quite often, but in this case you sound like you were truly involved with someone with BPD. The things she told you she probably meant,at the time. BPD is an attachment disorder and the one's closest to them are the one's who feel the brunt. It leaves their SO with the feeling that they were misled,lied to,used,because it's what they do.

They lack a sense of self identity,so they in turn mirror the one they're involved with at the time,as you can see by her changing to fit the guy she's with now. This isn't the normal dating mirroring where you pick up the things of your SO during the honeymoon phase. This is a full on identity change,because they don't have one.

They also think in only black and white. That's why she was able to love you one minute and hate you the next. Like flipping a switch. You're either all good and great or all bad and horrible. She even lied to make you sound worse.

A relationship with them is whirlwind from the beginning,because everything "feels right". It does so because it is. How can you not fall for someone who gets you and is just like you in every way? What you fell in love with,was the mirror image of yourself.

Do some research on BPD and see if she doesn't fit it to a T.

[totenkopf]

The term Borderline Personality is thrown around quite often, but in this case you sound like you were truly involved with someone with BPD. The things she told you she probably meant,at the time. BPD is an attachment disorder and the one's closest to them are the one's who feel the brunt. It leaves their SO with the feeling that they were misled,lied to,used,because it's what they do.

They lack a sense of self identity,so they in turn mirror the one they're involved with at the time,as you can see by her changing to fit the guy she's with now. This isn't the normal dating mirroring where you pick up the things of your SO during the honeymoon phase. This is a full on identity change,because they don't have one.

They also think in only black and white. That's why she was able to love you one minute and hate you the next. Like flipping a switch. You're either all good and great or all bad and horrible. She even lied to make you sound worse.

A relationship with them is whirlwind from the beginning,because everything "feels right". It does so because it is. How can you not fall for someone who gets you and is just like you in every way? What you fell in love with,was the mirror image of yourself.

Do some research on BPD and see if she doesn't fit it to a T.

 

Thank you so much for your reply.

I have had several people suggest that she has BPD and I really do think it is true. Her mother and grandmother both have Schizophrenia and she told me she had Anxiety and was meant to be taking medication but said that I made her so happy that she felt she did not need to to.

 

This woman made out I was the world to her and even said that certain songs was how she felt about me such as " Deserts Miss The Rain" I have since been told that she never loved me and as much as I did not want to accept it I have to for my own good. Whatever the truth is about how she felt I know that it is not normal to involve me so greatly with her son and her current boyfriend has since said that me signing a card to her son with her was not a big deal, I suppose I am a man of sound mind and morals unlike these two.

 

The way in which she has changed really does prove that she has some form of personality disorder I really wish I never got involved but at least I am aware now of what she is. Thanks again for your reply its good to speak to people who can relate and see the truth.

[totenkopf]

The term Borderline Personality is thrown around quite often, but in this case you sound like you were truly involved with someone with BPD. The things she told you she probably meant,at the time. BPD is an attachment disorder and the one's closest to them are the one's who feel the brunt. It leaves their SO with the feeling that they were misled,lied to,used,because it's what they do.

They lack a sense of self identity,so they in turn mirror the one they're involved with at the time,as you can see by her changing to fit the guy she's with now. This isn't the normal dating mirroring where you pick up the things of your SO during the honeymoon phase. This is a full on identity change,because they don't have one.

They also think in only black and white. That's why she was able to love you one minute and hate you the next. Like flipping a switch. You're either all good and great or all bad and horrible. She even lied to make you sound worse.

A relationship with them is whirlwind from the beginning,because everything "feels right". It does so because it is. How can you not fall for someone who gets you and is just like you in every way? What you fell in love with,was the mirror image of yourself.

Do some research on BPD and see if she doesn't fit it to a T.

 

I have had a good read up on BPD and it does indeed fit her to a T. She had a large number of sexual partners over forty at the age of 25. Most of these were one night stands and she has rarely ever had a long term relationship apart from myself and the father of her son. Several of these relationships were at most 3 months long. The types of men were very varied in both appearance and personality. The guy she was seeing before me also worked at the bar she worked when I asked her why the relationship folded there was no real reason. She dated an older man for 3 months and she also said that he had pushed her and spoke very poorly of him, the father of her son she also claimed had pushed her. I can not think of one instance where she did not speak poorly of an ex partner. She would refer to her sons father as " Douche Bag" and the guy she was seeing before me as " Some Fat Guy" she would always refer to these men by an alias and never by name.

 

At the beginning of our relationship she told that I was the only person to ever make her climax the first time we had intercourse and claimed that it took months with other people as she needed time to feel comfortable. I caught her out once when she slipped up with a detail about her partner before me but I did not push the issue to avoid argument. I have since found out that she lied about a certain intimate act that took place as she had said that it was the first time she had ever done it, I can understand perhaps she initially lied to avoid embarrassment but she would later on in the relationship ask me if I remembered when we had shared this intimate encounter for the first time and made out it was very special. This really shows me that she was manipulating and controlling me and the relationship through lying although I do not know if she lied on both of these points I think that it is highly likely.

 

Towards the end of the relationship she became interested in Mortuaries and Mental Hospitals. We visited a derelict Mortuary and would go for walks around Old Victorian Mental Hospitals regularly we planned to do a lot more Urban Exploring together in the future and it seemed like we shared such common interests in activities and films, she even had the soundtrack from The Lost Boys which we both watched like a hundred times together. It now seems she has totally changed her personality to fit with this new guy.

[Twigyy]

My ex was like that too. When they are with us they show us that we will be together for a long time, until they are tired they start getting cold, wants some space, starts ignoring or just finds stuff to argue about. Three weeks after the break up she miraculously finds a new guy who she wants to marry already. It s**ks to get so much hope but it's pretty much lies.

 

But at least you know what kind of people you don't want to mess with

[totenkopf]

Thanks Twiggy

Although it was really hard coming to terms with what this woman is finally have accepted that she is just no good and is rotten inside.