Inspiration and motivation: I wrote this tonight and thought was a good read.

[jhonnyftball]

One-Year Happy. Written April 1, one year later.

It's kinda long and has some choice language. May be tough to read I did this quick!

 

Breakup:

April Fool’s Day, what a joke. “It’s over lol”. April 1st, so I shook it off. But no, the serious reply rang through clear. These words, these ****ing words are the ones chosen? Today? With a “lol” even? After a year and a half! Well that’s tough. At the top of a mountain, my skis broke so now I’m stranded. Alone. About to free-fall.

 

The next two weeks were great, but from hell. I’d given off the sense of everything being ok. Inside, though, drowning from depression. Why? Because you thought it was real. You thought she cared, and cared deeply. Her deep feelings were based off of sex. So when the sex wore off, true feelings were revealed. There were no feelings for my friends, my life, or me. Everything ended with a “do you think I’m pretty”? That’s what was running through my head while drinking for 21 days straight to numb the real feelings I had. I did cocaine to be cool as **** and see if someone would truly care for me.

 

The 21-day drinking binge was terrible. No one butted in telling me I should stop. They all encouraged it. “Yeah get ****ed up! She’s a hoe and you’re single!” Rock bottom feeling?

 

Summer! Mid-May. Get to go back home, give them the impression I’m still ok. No one can see though…I’m great at making people laugh to shuffle aside my own pain. Because if they saw me making people laugh, I must be fine! The night I got home though, I had millions of mixed feelings. Should I ever talk to her? Should I find a new girl! Should I go to the gym for once? Will drinking and partying help with all this. I needed somewhere, some way, somehow to release not only these thoughts, but also my resentment and anger towards her.

 

Gym:

Yeah, I needed to get into ****ing shape. One huge motivator and reason for the breakup: me being a fatass. I knew absolutely nothing about working out, nutrition, or supplementation. I spent OVER 12 HOURS on the first day back for summer and gave myself a complete plan. A written plan full of every single piece of food I would eat, with every workout routine I would do, and the timing of every fine detail.

The first week working out, I felt out of place at the gym. I tried to go at the least busy time to literally avoid people SEEING me. But, with chicken and broccoli every night, I was starting to see gains. **** yes! She’ll ****ing see who she got rid of. She’ll see that I worked my ass off to prove a damn point. At this point, I started seeing hope. Real hope that I would get her back. The motivation driving me. I could have a chance at this goal.

It’s August, and school starts. Working out all summer gave me the best body I had ever had. Goddamn 6 pack peeking through. My veins visible through my biceps. Lats spread wide. This was great, and everything paid off. Every rep, every sprint, every bite of broccoli was paying off.

Nearing the end of the summer (August), sitting in the bathroom (again because I was lonely) I cried to myself because I hadn’t gotten any message, call, or contact from her all summer. “Maybe it is over” was all I could think. And the reality is that it was, all summer long. I get up to go to the sink to wash my face, and I get a text. In my pocket, I take my phone out assuming it’s a tinder match, and I see her name. WTF?!? As I’m crying on the toilet over this person they text me. And damn was I happy. I waited 10 minutes to respond in order to not seem desperate.

So, for 2 days we talk. About summer, jobs, and being back at school. Then it comes up: have you been working out. LOL I have! And I brag and send a picture to her. I’m on cloud nine right now. She texts me out of nowhere and she wants to see how I’m looking. She agreed and I know she’ll want me now. The gym had given me all of this. My motivation had come true. My goal of her talking to me again and thinking I’m sexy again. It’s been 4 months and this is the best I had felt.

 

The thing is, she controlled my happiness. I couldn’t do anything about it. No matter in how great of shape I was in, I couldn’t be happy until I had HER satisfaction. I had gotten her satisfaction sure, but I was being controlled through emotions.

 

The gym let me release the anger I had towards her, because when I went home I knew I was one step closer to getting my goal. Every little bit of anger was released up until we had started talking again. Then, I was “happy”, free of anger and resentment.

 

Early next semester, in Las Vegas. Labor day we both go to Vegas. This is weird because she doesn’t want to hang out all weekend, but we’re essentially seeing each other again at this point. I see her with another guy at a club. This ****ing kid. Really? A guy in my fraternity and this is who she picks. Out of everyone in the world for goodness sake this is who you pick. Two of the biggest liars and ****holes I have ever met. She’s literally a pathological liar. I go to the hotel bathroom, and again cry. I call mom and she always knows what to say. I don’t know how, but she helps me, gives me the love I need and I feel better for the day.

Still, the one that you loved at that point ****ed you over big time. I felt betrayed, confused, angry, and played. To get over it, you drink a ridiculous amount and sleep with women.

 

Women:

Sleeping with other girls was great. (6-9 months later) Maybe it was false perception, but I might start getting over this cunt. Every girl I would sleep with that semester gave me more HOPE that I could get another girl. More and more confident I became with each girl. Hooking up and drinking became what was the gym over summer. I felt more confidence with each workout and same with each girl/party I went to. I released more anger each day with an intense workout and same with each girl I hooked up with. I felt as if I was getting over her when I went up in weight over summer and the same with drinking and having a “good time” every night. Very similar feelings, but I handled them completely differently. One was productive, made me feel good about myself. And the other ruined my body all over again, but I got bitches, right? Bottom line: The gym gave you your goal. Partying gave you a couple pussies to ****.

 

December now and I’m back to square one! I have a nice beer belly forming and I feel alone again in my own bed. This is rock bottom. I was so lonely and didn’t know how I had lost my physique. The anger is wearing off, but it’s flipped into a depression. I went back to my summer habits and tried to get my ass in shape. This time, I did. In a month I lost all the weight and looked skinny as ****. I learned new things about fitness and added it to what I knew over summer. Now ready for another semester, I have a good base and can feel happiness coming back. This happiness was different though. I had created it myself. I was healthy again and in better shape. And my motivation in the gym wasn’t from her; it was your personal goal of being healthy and in shape.

 

Spring Break:

2 months into the semester, it’s spring break. We go on a cruise. I know how I feel about my body. I’m in pretty good shape, although no better than the end of summer or winter break. It’s the time of my life. I’m having fun without the intention of her satisfaction. I am having fun for the sake of having fun. I am confident again talking to girls and the alcohol is to make memories with friends. I’m not to try to hookup with anyone or numb the pain, but to have a great ****ing time. I think I’ve peaked. Literally from rock bottom to here in 3 months.

This feeling is better than the end of summer. Why? Because I know I am controlling my own happiness. I’m in the gym for MYSELF and no one else. I drank with friends during games and when we go out. And this is all on my own.

 

One Year Later:

Here I am 1 year later writing this. On April ****ing Fool’s Day. But it’s a happy and relaxed one. Sure, I remember what happened but that’s because I’ll never forget. I know what happened after it as well. The roller coaster ride taking me up and down feels as if it may be ending. I feel like I’m even keel now. I can control my anger, resentment, and happiness. And that is the best feeling I could imagine right now. This feeling of being in good shape and having fun without a cause, tells me I am no longer controlled by the satisfaction of someone else.

 

I have motivation now, for myself, to be in incredible shape. I want to be a fitness model. ****. That’s a huge goal, but I will ****ing get it.

 

Comparing the feelings throughout the past year, I have learned a ton about myself. A healthy lifestyle gives me the most happiness. I can feel good about myself, be confident, look good, and have a good time while working out. Alcohol put me into depression twice in the last year. I tried to use it to numb the anger and pain, but it made it worse. When the drinking ended (start of summer and start of winter breaks) I felt all feelings come back up. My body was trashed both times, as I had beer bellies twice. One is productive and motivating, the other ruined my body and emotions.

 

One Year Later, I am finally happy without anyone controlling me.

[GoBlue]

I am glad that you are doing well. Blessings!