lumarielle Posted April 2, 2015 Posted April 2, 2015 Can anyone help me understand what in the heck is going on with my ex (and by extension, his new relationship)?? My ex and I have been broken up for about six months. He can be considered my "first." First intimate relationship, first "love" (or maybe just infatuation ), first heartbreak. I care about him but he never took our relationship seriously and might have even used me for the benefits I gave him (still trying to figure out if that's true) and because I was too nice. He was even still talking to girls while we were together and I brought up that issue so much, it was a reason for our break up. He's been in and out of my life since the split (agreed to be on good terms and still joked around and flirted, something I'm not proud of going along with) but got really distant in the past month. When I asked, he said it was due to job issues and fatigue from a busy schedule. Recently some of our mutual friends have reached out to me because they're a little worried about him. I've also found out more about his past, aka he's been with quite a few women and even some simultaneously. ICK! He's got a new job and has been with a new girl for almost half a year. During this time, he hasn't mentioned that to me, and, up until last month, he was actually flirting with me. This new girl is fresh out of college and the jealous type, has snooped on his cell phone and computer and blows up on him for even talking to/looking at other women, and has all but moved in with him in the meantime (I'm guessing to keep tabs on him). He recently started using cocaine recreationally as a party drug and introduced it to his new girl, who started doing it too. I told our friends it's not my business. They think I was a good influence on him when we were together. But unlike his new girl, he never let me into his life as much, and I was never aware of his drug use. He is not the type to let a woman control him either. Considering his past he's very much a player or womanizer. I don't have much relationship or man experience, so what do you think is the dynamic of their relationship? Does he really like her or is just using her like he's done to me and maybe other women in the past? How do men like him operate? Why did he suddenly pull away from me? Do guys like him ever change? Because it sure seems like his new girl is keeping him on a short leash and from my point of view, he's obeying, letting her move in, etc.
Author lumarielle Posted April 2, 2015 Author Posted April 2, 2015 Bump. Anyone with advice or insight?
Ruby65 Posted April 2, 2015 Posted April 2, 2015 He's been in and out of my life since the split (agreed to be on good terms and still joked around and flirted, something I'm not proud of going along with) but got really distant in the past month. When I asked, he said it was due to job issues and fatigue from a busy schedule. This ^ is where you went wrong. Once you break up, walk away and don't look back. Who he sees and what their issues are..... are simply none of your business. 2
PegNosePete Posted April 2, 2015 Posted April 2, 2015 He was even still talking to girls while we were together and I brought up that issue so much, it was a reason for our break up. Why in the 7 rings of Hades would you want to remain friends with a guy who treats you like this? Have some self respect and tell him to go pound sand. Or better yet, simply stop responding to him. Eventually he will get bored and stop contacting you. Recently some of our mutual friends have reached out to me because they're a little worried about him. Tell them you're no longer together and you don't give 2 short ships what he does with his life, he is a grown adult and you're not his keeper or his mom. Look you need to stop thinking about him. He is the past. Look to your future. Forget this guy and forget what he is or isn't doing and who he is or isn't doing it with. It's not your concern any more. You need to move on. 2
Author lumarielle Posted April 2, 2015 Author Posted April 2, 2015 Why in the 7 rings of Hades would you want to remain friends with a guy who treats you like this? Have some self respect and tell him to go pound sand. Or better yet, simply stop responding to him. Eventually he will get bored and stop contacting you. Yes, I know I was too nice. In his mind, I'm probably still the too-nice girl weak in the knees for him. He has not contacted me in about a month. All my life I've been told guys like him will not change but if he's letting himself be controlled by the new girl, it goes against that train of thought. That is the thing that is keeping me from moving on. This ^ is where you went wrong. Once you break up, walk away and don't look back. Who he sees and what their issues are..... are simply none of your business. I've been going no contact unless I run into him in person which has happened twice with extreme awkwardness. Our mutual friends are the ones who are reaching out to me. I did tell them it's none of my business but it's hard to not compare the way he was with me with the way he seems to be with his new girlfriend.
Ruby65 Posted April 2, 2015 Posted April 2, 2015 It sounds like you were in regular contact with him up until he started seeing this new girl. That's not going No Contact. Have you blocked him on all the sites and apps you use? Is he blocked on your phone so he can't text or call? Are you avoiding places he's likely to be? Check out the No Contact guide posted here on the site, it'll help you understand how to really use this method to help you heal. You can't change this guy -- anymore than some new girl can. Someone way smarter than me once said it best: men are like shoes, you take them *as is*. Regardless of what happens within their relationship.... it's STILL none of your business! You CAN make your friends understand not to pass along information. You CAN move on -- and going No Contact will help you do that. Good luck to you! Check out the No Contact guide posted on this site. Here's another site that will help you: http://www.breakuprecoveryguide.com
Author lumarielle Posted April 2, 2015 Author Posted April 2, 2015 It sounds like you were in regular contact with him up until he started seeing this new girl. That's not going No Contact. Have you blocked him on all the sites and apps you use? Is he blocked on your phone so he can't text or call? Are you avoiding places he's likely to be? Check out the No Contact guide posted here on the site, it'll help you understand how to really use this method to help you heal. You can't change this guy -- anymore than some new girl can. Someone way smarter than me once said it best: men are like shoes, you take them *as is*. Regardless of what happens within their relationship.... it's STILL none of your business! You CAN make your friends understand not to pass along information. You CAN move on -- and going No Contact will help you do that. Good luck to you! Check out the No Contact guide posted on this site. Here's another site that will help you: http://www.breakuprecoveryguide.com Thanks! We had agreed to stay friendly and he'd been in contact up until last month. He's been with the girl for at least three more months than that so we were in contact (with him still being flirty) WHILE he was with her. Yes, I have deleted his number and unfollowed him recently. We did run into each other a couple times and our breakup was not on bad terms so I acted friendly (what I thought we'd decided to do), which of course probably makes him think I'm weak in the knees for him. In hindsight, I should have acted cold toward him. Should I tell him that we should not let that happen again (because we'll run into each other on campus and I can still e-mail him) or just leave it? I don't want him to think I purposely WANT to run into him like a crazy person. It pisses me off that he thinks I'm a doormat who will always be convenient for him. Or that he has to take extra care to avoid me. I want to show him I have a backbone and am not interested in him the way he is right now.
Ruby65 Posted April 2, 2015 Posted April 2, 2015 You continue to try and see things from HIS perspective.... but this is about YOU, not him. Read the guides -- they'll help you understand the shift that needs to happen. Deleting his number is a great start -- but you need to block his number so you won't get texts and calls. You also need to block him on every site and app you use.... and avoid places he might be. If it means staying in weekends for a month or two, do it! Your healing is more important right now than going out with friends. NO, don't tell him you're not going to be friendly anymore. Don't contact him at all, for any reason! Read the guides, they'll help you.
Navajo46 Posted April 2, 2015 Posted April 2, 2015 Sounds like sorta the same thing I went through. You were a good influence, but he wants an enabler. He obviously wants to do those things and it's easier to have someone that is into them too. My ex was an alcoholic and I tried to help her not drink so much, but she would think I was making fun of her instead of trying to help. Low and behold we break up and two weeks later she is with a guy with a DUI and is an alcoholic himself. Match made in heaven.
Author lumarielle Posted April 2, 2015 Author Posted April 2, 2015 You continue to try and see things from HIS perspective.... but this is about YOU, not him. Read the guides -- they'll help you understand the shift that needs to happen. Deleting his number is a great start -- but you need to block his number so you won't get texts and calls. You also need to block him on every site and app you use.... and avoid places he might be. If it means staying in weekends for a month or two, do it! Your healing is more important right now than going out with friends. NO, don't tell him you're not going to be friendly anymore. Don't contact him at all, for any reason! Read the guides, they'll help you. Thank you! I will read the guides. I just don't want him to forever think of me as the doormat girl. I'm determined not to contact him now. I know I shouldn't worry about it, but he was my first so I'm being more caught up than usual, but will my image change with time in his mind? Sounds like sorta the same thing I went through. You were a good influence, but he wants an enabler. He obviously wants to do those things and it's easier to have someone that is into them too. My ex was an alcoholic and I tried to help her not drink so much, but she would think I was making fun of her instead of trying to help. Low and behold we break up and two weeks later she is with a guy with a DUI and is an alcoholic himself. Match made in heaven. Yikes. Are they still together? I don't understand why people drive each other downhill. I'm mostly disappointed with him and his choices in life during these past months.
BC1980 Posted April 2, 2015 Posted April 2, 2015 Thank you! I will read the guides. I just don't want him to forever think of me as the doormat girl. I'm determined not to contact him now. I know I shouldn't worry about it, but he was my first so I'm being more caught up than usual, but will my image change with time in his mind? You can't control what he thinks of you. It just can't be done, so you need to get to a place where it doesn't matter what he thinks. People's perceptions do change over time, but it's really a waste to invest in what he thinks about you. He isn't a part of your life, so it doesn't matter. You don't have to interact with him ever again, so who even cares? The best thing you can do is walk away because that is the best chance you will ever have of giving him a positive and strong image of you. 1
Author lumarielle Posted April 3, 2015 Author Posted April 3, 2015 You can't control what he thinks of you. It just can't be done, so you need to get to a place where it doesn't matter what he thinks. People's perceptions do change over time, but it's really a waste to invest in what he thinks about you. He isn't a part of your life, so it doesn't matter. You don't have to interact with him ever again, so who even cares? The best thing you can do is walk away because that is the best chance you will ever have of giving him a positive and strong image of you. Thanks. I will not contact him, and if I do happen to run into him I'll be cordial with a hello but won't stick around attempting to make friendly conversation. Time will hopefully smooth things over. I can't stop wondering whether (IN GENERAL) men who have histories of being womanizers ever change for a woman. If he uses one woman for sex and company, if he can turn around and suddenly become the perfect bf. In my case maybe Navajo46 is right. His new gf is an enabler and it doesn't matter if she's clingy and jealous. If she's young and likes him and is sexually available, maybe that's all he wants right now. Because I sure would not have put up with hard drug use.
BC1980 Posted April 3, 2015 Posted April 3, 2015 Thanks. I will not contact him, and if I do happen to run into him I'll be cordial with a hello but won't stick around attempting to make friendly conversation. Time will hopefully smooth things over. I can't stop wondering whether (IN GENERAL) men who have histories of being womanizers ever change for a woman. If he uses one woman for sex and company, if he can turn around and suddenly become the perfect bf. In my case maybe Navajo46 is right. His new gf is an enabler and it doesn't matter if she's clingy and jealous. If she's young and likes him and is sexually available, maybe that's all he wants right now. Because I sure would not have put up with hard drug use. In general, people don't really change. It takes an awful lot of introspection and consistently doing things differently to truly change your habits and thought patterns. Most people aren't going to do that. It took me until these past few years to really attempt to change. You have the same thoughts as a lot of people after breakups. What is he/she morphs into the perfect person with the next person? Trust me, she is getting the same thing you got. You have no idea what their relationship is like behind closed doors or what goes on in his mind.
Author lumarielle Posted April 3, 2015 Author Posted April 3, 2015 In general, people don't really change. It takes an awful lot of introspection and consistently doing things differently to truly change your habits and thought patterns. Most people aren't going to do that. It took me until these past few years to really attempt to change. You have the same thoughts as a lot of people after breakups. What is he/she morphs into the perfect person with the next person? Trust me, she is getting the same thing you got. You have no idea what their relationship is like behind closed doors or what goes on in his mind. Thank you. Those are reassuring words. I have just one more question to poke your (and anyone else's) mind with. While my ex was with me, he was still in contact with other girls even though he (as far as I know) never physically cheated--just flirtations. I did not know it at the time but with this new girl, he was still flirting with me. Now he's cut off contact (maybe because she blew up on him for talking to other women). If he has a history and pattern of still flirting with other women while in a relationship, why does it seem like this girl has finally "tamed" him? Can players be tamed? This is also a general question about women AND men who could be classified as "players." I'm not even sure my ex was a player. He really liked flirting though...
Ruby65 Posted April 3, 2015 Posted April 3, 2015 I think you felt reassured when he was still flirting with you, but now that he's stopped you're in a panic because you're faced with the reality that he's gone. Please -- STOP trying to figure out what he's doing and why. Just.... stop. For yourself. Have you blocked him on Facebook? Are you stalking his Instagram? Is he blocked everywhere so you can stop obsessing.... and start healing? If you haven't yet, please check out this guide. It will help you! Trying to figure out whether or not he's going to cheat on his new girlfriend.... will not. http://www.breakuprecoveryguide.com
ZiggyZoo Posted April 3, 2015 Posted April 3, 2015 OK, you shouldn't be worrying about him or what he's doing, but I've found that I sometimes need to resolve issues myself before they go away too. I'd recommend you check out "Baggage Reclaim", and excellent blog that really helped me answer questions about why MY ex acted the way HE did. I think your ex was definitely emotionally unavailable, based on what you've shared about his actions. She gets into these guys' heads, and helps show how they are the way they are regardless of anything we say or do to or for them. It really got me past blaming myself for not being "enough" for my ex, and taking on too much responsibility for the ending of my relationship. Just Google "Baggage Reclaim unavailable man" and there you are. Having said that, your ex is still the same as he ever was, and will likely ever be. He may have left you alone, but that's not to say he's not flirty with other women. And his new chick hasn't tamed him at all. She just has fewer boundaries than you did, she uses drugs and doesn't care that he does too for example, which you said would be a deal breaker. So there's not as much for him to try to fight against with her, so it looks like he's doing what she wants. But really, he's doing what HE wants, and she's just totally allowing it. The only thing that changes about these guys are the women who are dealing with them at any given time.
Author lumarielle Posted April 4, 2015 Author Posted April 4, 2015 OK, you shouldn't be worrying about him or what he's doing, but I've found that I sometimes need to resolve issues myself before they go away too. Yes! That's exactly how I feel. And I'm not so much caught up on wanting to get back with him but understanding the situation with people like him so that I can avoid it in the future. I'd recommend you check out "Baggage Reclaim", and excellent blog that really helped me answer questions about why MY ex acted the way HE did. I think your ex was definitely emotionally unavailable, based on what you've shared about his actions. She gets into these guys' heads, and helps show how they are the way they are regardless of anything we say or do to or for them. It really got me past blaming myself for not being "enough" for my ex, and taking on too much responsibility for the ending of my relationship. Just Google "Baggage Reclaim unavailable man" and there you are. Having said that, your ex is still the same as he ever was, and will likely ever be. He may have left you alone, but that's not to say he's not flirty with other women. And his new chick hasn't tamed him at all. She just has fewer boundaries than you did, she uses drugs and doesn't care that he does too for example, which you said would be a deal breaker. So there's not as much for him to try to fight against with her, so it looks like he's doing what she wants. But really, he's doing what HE wants, and she's just totally allowing it. The only thing that changes about these guys are the women who are dealing with them at any given time. Thank you for the website. It is VERY informative. I guess there's no 100% way to be sure if someone is emotionally unavailable but maybe my ex was. It just seems like he's moving so fast with the new girl with her moving in and him letting her into his drug use and partying. He never let me see that side of him. And then I start to wonder if we were still together if he would have made these bad choices. I'm disappointed in him most of all. But know that I would not want to be with him the way he is now...I wish I could fast forward time and see what we are all like five years from now.
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