new to forum, hi.

[newbee]

patti cakes,

you are right, i didnt really read your posts properly. i was in a hurry and trying to do lots of things simultaneously and responded to a vague sense that you were ow bashing. i think there are some things you said about ow being pathetic and things like this: "I can feel good in knowing that I wont be the one to trash this marriage, or any other marriage because I chose to be with a married man" seem like you are putting yourself above other people in here. now i can see that you were being defensive to some of the other posts you recieved.

 

anyway, i apologise for not reading your post properly and i am happy for you that you found this site before it was too late for you! also, i dont think you sound cold, you sound like lots of people i think who do end up getting involved with mm, a bit scared of past repeating and having a bit of a fear of commitment (i may be wrong), sometimes it happens when you have lots of bad experiences in relationships. i dont think these relationships usually begin as a conscious decision anyway, so as soon as you bring it to light and acknowledge it as an option i think you are pretty much saved.

[PattyCakes]

Just wanted to add: Sorry, I didn't mean to make this all about me. I agree with what you said about sometimes we think with our heart instead of our mind. Obviously, you feel that this marriage of his is a sham, or else I don't think you'd be seriously considering an affair with him. Just go with your instincts and do what you alone feel is right and I'm sure he will be doing the same.

 

 

I came here to listen to different views and experiences. Thank you for posting yours.

 

His marriage is a sham. He married her because word got out that he had never married the mother of his child. Sad reason to marry someone. Although I do think he does love her, they have been off and on for about 15 years. Although like most MM he , Im sure, has said things to make things look much worse then they are for the attention he wants from me. Like I mentioned before, which cause a lot of dismay here, getting involved with a MM shouldnt be an emotional thing. Companionship, to a degree because he does have a family , and sex . Thats it. Not many MM leave their families for the OW. I never said an affair was right. This is why I never jumped into anything.

 

 

I can't believe monogomy is natural or a good thing, and I won't feel guilty in participating in the destruction of a marriage

 

 

 

I do not believe monogomy is natural. THE MM or MW who cheats has already decided to take the chance in the destruction of their marriage. It starts there. Whoever entirely blames the OW/OM is fooling themselves. The marriage was introuble before the affair. But, that doesnt make the affair right on anyones part.

 

Good luck in your situation. You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders. Good luck with your move and your career.

[erika2610]

PattyCakes.. I think most women when they started out with the MM, didn't intend to get as emotionally involved as they ended up getting. Do you not see how we can get emotionally involved? And I'm so glad that you coming here and seeing how pathetic we are made you change your mind about getting involved

[PattyCakes]

pathetic was not a good choice of words on my part. Only said out of fustration.

 

I sure do see how people can become emotionally involved. There are very few people, especially women, that dont get attached. I believe even most MM who have affairs feel something for the OW. But not enough to leave their family over. And I dont believe they should be expected to leave their family/wife.

My point of view may seem conflicting. But if a person chooses to have an affair with a partner that is married he or she should not expect that person to leave their family. That dosnt make an affair okay just because the married partner stays with the marriage. But we are not talking about morals on this forum. I sure didnt come here to get judged.

 

in answer to your question. I believe most people get attached. I dont think that is right or wrong. I think it just makes the situation more difficult to handle.

 

My phone conversations with this married man were pretty non sexual. It turned out to be that we were pretty good friends, even though there were some difficult times in the past. He helped me make a housing decison, school and he helped me walk away from an abusive relationship I had currently been in. Not to run off with him. But to better myself in general. So as the discussions went on the relationship became more and more about a solid friendship and less about anything romantic. And that is where Ive decided to leave things.

[erika2610]

Originally posted by PattyCakes

pathetic was not a good choice of words on my part. Only said out of fustration.

 

I sure do see how people can become emotionally involved. There are very few people, especially women, that dont get attached. I believe even most MM who have affairs feel something for the OW. But not enough to leave their family over. And I dont believe they should be expected to leave their family/wife.

My point of view may seem conflicting. But if a person chooses to have an affair with a partner that is married he or she should not expect that person to leave their family. That dosnt make an affair okay just because the married partner stays with the marriage. But we are not talking about morals on this forum. I sure didnt come here to get judged.

 

in answer to your question. I believe most people get attached. I dont think that is right or wrong. I think it just makes the situation more difficult to handle.

 

My phone conversations with this married man were pretty non sexual. It turned out to be that we were pretty good friends, even though there were some difficult times in the past. He helped me make a housing decison, school and he helped me walk away from an abusive relationship I had currently been in. Not to run off with him. But to better myself in general. So as the discussions went on the relationship became more and more about a solid friendship and less about anything romantic. And that is where Ive decided to leave things.

 

Some girls Do want the MM to leave the W. They figure 'if you're so unhappy with her, and you're happy with me, just leave her'.

[SoleMate]

Hey, let's not focus on the OW getting torn down, when she was the one who started the namecalling. According to the OP, the loyal "stand by her man" woman is weak, sad and pathetic. Possibly true, but I would add those descriptors to the OP poster herself and the "massive male jerk" at the apex of this triangle.

 

Kalie, we still have not heard the good reason why you have to get your "casual sex" from this PARTICULAR man. Casual sex with men is WIDELY available. I am willing to feel sorry for the "hopelessly hooked" OW, but why are there so many who actively pick up the bait and line and jab that hook right through their cheek wall?

 

You're right, I don't accept your "lifestyle" and I consider it tacky, weak, sad and pathetic.

[moimeme]

Anyway, I don't see cheating as a sin, because it's a natural response to the confines of marriage. I've read on different occasions that over 70% of men admit to cheating, therefore, I can't believe monogomy is natural or a good thing, and I won't feel guilty in participating in the destruction of a marriage. I'd feel bad for the BS, but she should know that it's not meant to be if her H is out lusting after other women.

 

The issue isn't about whether monogamy is 'natural'. The issue is that people are dishonest and that's what's repugnant. If so many people are unable to honour the vows they make at marriage, let them be truthful. Rather than betraying someone, let them refuse to marry, or at least tell their spouses that they are unable to be faithful and then let the spouses decide if they want to stay or not. Screw anybody you want if that's the way you're made. Just quit lying about it and pretending you're faithful. And so if you like to hang with liars and deceivers and help them perpetrate their deception, well I'd duck if I were you because karma'll get you sooner or later.

 

I never want to be a hurt BS

 

But you see nothing wrong in helping to hurt a BS.

 

One of these days, you, too, will fall. Few humans are able to resist falling for someone and your day will come. And if this gets done to you, you'll understand in spades why it was such a rotten way to live.

[PattyCakes]

Soulmate why do you feel the need to rehash an old thread? If you are really interested in the answers to your questions, reread my posts . The answers are there. You just havent take the time to read them. I refuse to respond over and over again to posters that can not nor will not take the actual time to read.

[PattyCakes]

I really can not respond to your childish name calling. I do not know you well enough to respond. Nor do I care enough.And your opinion is just that, an opinion.

Have a wonderful day.

[PattyCakes]

I am not really sure why feelings are coming up in this discussion so much. Ican understand the anger some posters feel towards the OW, especially if they have ever had a husband cheat on them, but what does it matter if an OW can or can not develope feelings for a MM for? Im not sure why that is even an issue. You almost seem angry because some of us can separate our feelings. I have always been able to do that in different situations. Like I said , and most have not bothered to read my posts, I have decided not to respond to an affair with this man.

Please tell me why it is better to be emotionally involved with a MM then not? Im confused as to why its okay to have an affair if its emotional and not if its just for sex .

[brashgal]

You "think" you can separate your feelings...I think you are making a wise choice not to move to the next level. You think you'll continue to be rational but you are bound to get hurt. You aren't a true psychopath - you show evidence of a conscience.

[GirlDown]

Originally posted by brashgal

You "think" you can separate your feelings...I think you are making a wise choice not to move to the next level. You think you'll continue to be rational but you are bound to get hurt. You aren't a true psychopath - you show evidence of a conscience.

 

 

usually i don't agree with this person, but this time i think she's right.

[PattyCakes]

I meet very little of a psychopaths profile. Most of us have one or two traits of a psychopath.

 

Just because I do not feel getting involved with a MM should be an emotional attachment Im now called a psychopath. Im sorry, but I dont feel I or anyone else has a right to get involved with a MM/or MW and get so emotionally involved they expect that other person to divorce their wife and leave his or her children. If that means Im some kind of psychopath, so be it.

 

 

 

Girldown,

Good to know you can think for yourself. Congrats.

[brashgal]

You may not have a right but it would happen anyway if you proceeded with the affair. I'm certain of that.

[PattyCakes]

There are many sites online that MM/MW go to to find others to have affairs with. Look up affairs married men. There are a ton of sites. Many people want the attention, excitement without the emotional bagage. I have no problem getting attached to a single man. But If i had had this affair, I would never let emotions take over. I would never put myself in a situation where I was inlove with someone that was not mine for the taking.

[brashgal]

No need, there are plenty of women out there who want to have affairs with married men - they don't have to go to sites, they find them at work, church, next door. I have a little bit of experience with OWs and MMs.

 

You're already emotionally invested, you've been talking with him for the last six months. You're just in denial.

 

Again, happy you made the decision you did - good choice.

[PattyCakes]

I dated this man for months. Thinking it was an exclusive realtionship. I found him exciting, funny, well educated and very interesting. But I did not fall inlove with him. Have I been inlove, yes. I am more then able to love. But I know for a fact that this person is not someone I could or would fall inlove with, or I would have. Why didnt I? Because, even though I found him fun to be around he is not the type of person I would run off and marry. Obvously he is not an honest person right? I never liked the way he treated , at the time, mother of his child, his now wife. But Im still human and at one time I thought I could have an easy, not committed , non emotional (that Im sure of) affair with this man. But because I have no one to talk to about this just typing has helped me in my decision NOT to proceed with this situation.

 

Brashgal, you sound like you have either been really hurt by an affair your s/o had or you got hurt being the OW. Im sorry if either of those situations hit home. Perhaps you just feel the need to morally judge, as so many others do. I dont know.

[brashgal]

You were the one looking for advice sweetpea.

 

Has nothing to do with my being hurt - I'm judging what I read that you wrote. The more you write, the more I just don't get it. Why bother to waste your time with this guy? What axe would you have to grind? I find it hard to believe you are THAT lonely. As I said earlier, it appears you have some semblance of a conscience.

[GirlDown]

Originally posted by PattyCakes

 

 

 

Girldown,

Good to know you can think for yourself. Congrats.

 

not 100% sure what you meant by this, but okay.

 

i didn't want to reiterate what brashgal had already said.

 

i wasn't insulting you.

 

not sure why you're insulting me.

 

in any case, you obviously can't think for yourself, or you wouldn't be asking strangers for advice.

 

if you don't want it, don't ask for it, that's all.

 

no need to be immature.

[PattyCakes]

I have been chatting with him for months, you are right. But I have also turned down offers to go to D.C./Vegas and just coffee. If I felt vested in this man I would have met him long ago. I have not talked to him in two weeks. Perhaps he has given up on what he wanted because I have not responded. I do not care if I hear from him one way or another. He neither makes or breaks my life.

 

My comment about online services for those that are married and looking for an affair was only made because there are a ton of people out there that do not want an emotional attachment, therefore just because someone does not want to get romantically involved/attached does not mean they are a psychopath.

[PattyCakes]

I am very sorry. I am so used to being judged by superior people Assumed you were one of them. I do apologize. I do not mean to offend you or anyone else.

[brashgal]

I can think of much better uses for your personal time than sex w/o strings with a married man. Here's hoping someone nice and single and available crosses your path soon.

[PattyCakes]

sweetpea...now I like that. Thank you.

 

You are right. I do not need him. I date as much as I want. But, as I ve said many times Im as human as anyone else. Why did I consider this with him? Excitement without attachment. I dont have an axe to grind. Im not angry with him/his wife or anyone else. I came here to discuss what I could not in R/L. Pros and cons of this kind of relationship. Not to be bashed. If I truly did not care about people I wouldnt have had a 2nd thought about his wife and family and taken him up on his many offers. I came here to come to the conclusion I came to. But not to get insulted and judged, no one knows me enough to call the names Ive been called. What about those that jump into a relationship with a MM without ever giving it another thought? I at least did not do that. And yes, I needed someone to talk to.

[PattyCakes]

Just a personal question. Have you had an affair with a MM? Or have you been hurt by an affair your s/o had with an OW? If this too peronal I apologize. Im just wondering what side of the coin you are on.

[brashgal]

My ex had a roving eye. But I've known many folks who've had affairs and read many heartbreaking stories on this forum. Just seems that the brief excitement is far outweighed by all the negative things that can happen.