How long do i have to wait around until he tells me he loves me?

[magicjelly1234]

I am in a relationship with a guy who has NEVER said "i love you" to anyone in his life. Things are going well and we are very compatible, we were friends, and later became a couple- so we are a couple and best friends at the same time. You know when you feel like things are going well, and you respect each other, you are two mature human beings- you feel like he's gonna say it soon. But apparently, we were having a conversation and found out that he has never said it to anyone in his entire life (he's 30), and he feels like love is such a strong feeling, he just does not feel it right now, and he doesn't think he'll feel it anytime soon but he wants us to keep trying. I was completely thrown off by it, and it all starts to scare me as to how he will always be thinking too much, emotionally never open up, and somehow our relationship is doomed.

 

I really like being with him, breaking up with him makes me sad, but I just can't picture being with someone who wouldn't love me. He's a wonderful person, thoughtful, and kind. The only thing that i wouldn't consider his strongest trait is that he is very very sensitive to many things and he never says or even pretends if he doesn't mean it, so he gives too much thought into everything before he even says or does. I mean no one is perfect, but just the thought of being with him, thinking that it's coming soon but having to realize over and over again that he doesn't love me, would really consume me. I hope he is not taking me for granted, we had a fight over this and i seriously thought of breaking up with him bc i was afraid this is gonna repeat, but i just couldn't do it, it made me sad.

 

Any suggestions or experiences with a guy who's similar to my bf?

 

I'd really appreciate your thoughts-

[whichwayisup]

Go back and re read your other threads on this, people gave you some good advice.

 

Anyway, put a time limit on this. If by summer he still can't say ILY or can't 'feel' it after a year of being together, it's time to end it. You deserve to be with someone who is in love with you and has passion for you. Your boyfriend doesn't have that towards you unfortunately.

 

He cares about you, deeply I'm sure, but that isn't enough to keep you two going for years to come and build a life together.

[magicjelly1234]

I feel loved but he says he isn't ready to say it yet- that's why i'm more confused. bc i thought it was coming soon..

[preraph]

You know, I think there are a lot of guys who just don't seem capable of the kind of selfless love a lot of women are offering. At least this one is letting you know that right up front.

 

If he treats you well, then maybe his ethics on how to treat people will be worth more than someone who says they're in love but whose actions don't match their words, you know, someone who is always apologizing and begging you forgive their behavior.

 

But if he's not excelling at treating you well and protecting you with an eye toward proving when necessary, then you got nothin'.

[pteromom]

I am in a relationship with a guy who has NEVER said "i love you" to anyone in his life.

 

we were having a conversation and found out that he has never said it to anyone in his entire life (he's 30), and he feels like love is such a strong feeling, he just does not feel it right now, and he doesn't think he'll feel it anytime soon but he wants us to keep trying.

 

 

If he's never said it to anyone in his entire life, that there is what you call a red flag. He's never said it to his parents? To a friend? A sibling?

 

That he doesn't feel it and doesn't think he will but wants to keep trying sounds like someone who has some kind of inability to feel and/or express love. If that is the case, it comes from inside him, and there isn't anything you can do about it.

 

My suggestion is that if he's never said it in his entire life, the likelihood that he will is low. You have to decide whether you are ok with that or not.

 

How long have you known him, and how long have you been together?

[Robert Z]

You know, I think there are a lot of guys who just don't seem capable of the kind of selfless love a lot of women are offering.

 

Oh lord. Yes, men aren't capable. Women are superior.

 

Maybe they just don't deserve it. Maybe men are getting smarter.

 

 

...Since you want to hypothesize about superiority.

Edited April 2, 2015 by Robert Z

[whichwayisup]

I feel loved but he says he isn't ready to say it yet- that's why i'm more confused. bc i thought it was coming soon..

 

It isn't coming soon. Magic, you're wasting your life with someone who feels 'content' and 'comfortable' and not in love with you. If that is enough, then stay and continue on but if you want that love back, you're gonna have to end with it him and find someone else.

[preraph]

Quote:Originally Posted by Robert Z

Oh lord. Yes, men aren't capable. Women are superior.

 

Maybe they just don't deserve it. Maybe men are getting smarter.

 

...Since you want to hypothesize about superiority.

 

This coming from the guy who dates a professional sugarbaby and pretends it's a real love story.

Edited April 2, 2015 by preraph

[magicjelly1234]

I've known him for a about 2 yrs, and we've been officially together for a bout a year. He has said to his family but just not to any girls. I am just not used to not hearing i love you, in a relationship. I feel bad for my bf that supposedly claims that he's never loved a girl, it's kinda sad for me. Living a life without having loved anyone? hah.

[pteromom]

If you've been dating a year, and he says he doesn't see loving you anytime soon, I think you are right to move on. For me, it isn't about the words, but that he is saying he doesn't FEEL it. If he was just saying he wasn't ready to SAY it, that would be different.

[kayla73]

I was in a similar situation. He told me he had never said "I love you" to anyone before me, not even to an ex he was with for 3 years. I asked him why and he explained that it was more like a really good friendship. Before he said those words to me, I never had any doubts about how he felt though. His actions said it all. Do you feel that way? Through his actions, does he show that he truly cares about you? Do you feel like your relationship feels more like a friendship? You seem to really care about him, but how do you feel?

 

What bothers me is that he told you he doesn't think it'll happen anytime soon. That would really bother me. That's pretty much saying, "I like you, but I don't think I'll ever love you."

 

I wouldn't give him an ultimatum, but I would have a conversation about your future. Ask him where he would like to see the two of you in a year or so.

 

You always have the choice of moving on from him if you feel like he isn't going to give you what you want and deserve in a relationship, which is love.

[thefooloftheyear]

Women get too hung up over this....

 

I mean, what if he told you that just to get you off his back...would you feel better about it?

 

Guys tell women they love them all the time...If that's what they need to do to get them to drop their pants....so be it....You can't sue him over it if it wasn't true, and who knows...maybe it was at that very moment, and maybe its not tomorrow?

 

Some people are uncomfortable about it...I equate it to kissing your aunts ad cousins.....I hated doing it as a kid...I'm over it now, I realize its the way to properly greet someone, but back then, I hated it..Did it mean I didn't love them or care about them? Nope..

 

As always...actions speak more than words...

 

 

TFY

[BlueIris]

If you've been dating a year, and he says he doesn't see loving you anytime soon, I think you are right to move on. For me, it isn't about the words, but that he is saying he doesn't FEEL it. If he was just saying he wasn't ready to SAY it, that would be different.

 

Exactly. If someone doesn’t love you by the time you’ve been together a year, he or she never will.

 

I dated someone who said pretty much the same as what your BF said- but very early on, after a few weeks, that he had never loved. I think the guy I dated said it to elicit sympathy maybe, to look tragic or elusive or something. Whatever the reasons, since I wanted to be with someone who can love me and who can receive and appreciate my love, that wasn’t the guy for me.

 

I'd leave him, OP. Don't wait or scratch in the dirt for something that isn't there.

[Carm]

Exactly. If someone doesn’t love you by the time you’ve been together a year, he or she never will.

 

I dated someone who said pretty much the same as what your BF said- but very early on, after a few weeks, that he had never loved. I think the guy I dated said it to elicit sympathy maybe, to look tragic or elusive or something. Whatever the reasons, since I wanted to be with someone who can love me and who can receive and appreciate my love, that wasn’t the guy for me.

 

I'd leave him, OP. Don't wait or scratch in the dirt for something that isn't there.

 

Not necessarily true. A girlfriend of mine waited for 18 months to hear it from her boyfriend. His actions said it all and therefore she decided to stick it out. When he finally said it she asked how long had he known and he said it was early on but he does not throw those words out until he means it.

 

 

Ironically, I am in the same situation with my bf for 9 months and he hasn't told me yet that he loves me, although he has told me he's falling in love with me but he's not there yet. That being said, his actions tells me he does and his eyes tell me what his lips have not yet.

 

 

What would concern me with your situation OP is that he does not think it'll happen anytime soon. You have to listen to your gut, open your eyes and watch for his non verbal cues.

[magicjelly1234]

So, this "non-verbal cues" kind of confuse me. While i was having a talk, he also told me "i may not be ready to say it right now, i can't tell when i will be ready to say it, but don't you feel that i really deeply care about you, and if somehow you feel loved, isn't that good enough for now, forget about what i say, how do you feel in this relationship?",

 

so i mean, just like i said, i was shocked to find out that he doesn't feel like he loves me right now, bc i really felt like he did love me, and at least it was coming soon. So i know he genuinely cares about me, but i was just shocked it to hear it otherwise.

 

Yeah, he indeed said, "i don't think it's gonna happen, like for example, in the next 3 months" (pretending that that was too little time for him to figure it out), it indeed rubbed me the wrong way, and i told him "How can u be so certain it won't happen in 3 months? how do you even know if will ever happen? you seem to be so sure that it won't happen", and then he goes on saying "No, i am not sure if it will ever happen, i just don't know now, but i wanna keep trying bc this relationship has been good for me, and i like what we have, and i don't wanna stop. the 3 month thing was just an example, i don't know when it's gonna happen, but if it does bother you, we can set a time line and talk about it as the time comes. But i don't wanna just say it just to say it, i want to say it when i really mean it" so yeah, so freaking annoying.

 

Why is he even with me for a year giving away the opportunities to meet other people? Dang, i just don't get it. He def. has a rare personality where he thinks every little ****ing thing he says or does will bring emornous consequences... but he is a good person..

Edited April 3, 2015 by magicjelly1234

[Carm]

Only you can be the judge of whether you stick it out.

 

 

I think one of the biggest non verbal cues he can give you (but there are many) is that he wants to spend all his free time with you. Case in point, I thought I was going to be tied up tonight so I wouldn't be able to see him, his response was no problem, he's had a hectic work week and could use the night relaxing. As it turned out, my plans got changed, I told him that I'm now free but if he still wanted to just chill alone that was okay with me. Of course he jumped at the chance to see me, he is not too tired to spend time with me.

 

 

That's what I'm saying look for those types of signs and others, does he respect you, protect you, ask you to call or text him when you get home to make sure you made it home, grab your hand when you two are in public, be affectionate in public, stand close to you when another guy happens to be talking to you, introduce you to his family and close friends....these are all signs...but as I said the biggest is wanting to spend all his spare time with you.

 

 

I'm waiting around because I know he will tell me and I may have to wait but my gut is telling me he already is or at the very least is on the edge of being in love.

 

 

So, we all have gut feelings you have to listen to yours. BTW, I'm 49 so I'm way more in tune with my intuition than I was when I was younger.

[Lurkeraspect]

Women get too hung up over this....

 

I mean, what if he told you that just to get you off his back...would you feel better about it?

 

Guys tell women they love them all the time...If that's what they need to do to get them to drop their pants....so be it....You can't sue him over it if it wasn't true, and who knows...maybe it was at that very moment, and maybe its not tomorrow?

 

Some people are uncomfortable about it...I equate it to kissing your aunts ad cousins.....I hated doing it as a kid...I'm over it now, I realize its the way to properly greet someone, but back then, I hated it..Did it mean I didn't love them or care about them? Nope..

 

As always...actions speak more than words...

 

 

TFY

 

As a woman, I agree with this...

 

I'd prefer to have a man tell me he loves me when he's 100% sure of that love, rather then a bunch of men saying the words that they really don't mean.

 

It's your life OP, but I think you're going to throw a good man away because you want to rush and push him before he's ready. Of course, maybe he doesn't love you, will never love you, perhaps he's autistic and is incapable of expressing his feeling in words. But as an outsider (based on your description) he sounds like a wonderful man, treats you well, you have a good time together, etc,. Personally, I wouldn't throw that away due to impatience. But that's just me.