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Guys, would you continue dating a woman who earned a higher salary than you do?

BlackOpsZombieGirl

By BlackOpsZombieGirl
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BlackOpsZombieGirl Established Member

BlackOpsZombieGirl

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I remember when I once dated a guy who earned less than I did annually. And to be honest, I didn't really care that he was struggling financially in his chosen career path because, omg, he had nearly all of the traits (emotionally and physically) that I was looking for in a guy. However, dates and outings had started becoming awkward...and I felt bad for him because I could tell he really wanted to pay for both of us, but he just couldn't. And most of the times that he couldn't pay his own way and I paid for both of us, I felt his discomfort and uneasiness...emanating from him like heat.:(

 

It was a hard decision for me to make, but I ended things with him because of this uneven dynamic between us. Even though I didn't mind paying for mostly everything - because being with him truly made me happy and I had fun with him - I knew that it made HIM uneasy and uncomfortable, which marred most of our time together.

 

So, I'd like to hear opinions from the guys here (and I'd also like to hear from the gals) if you would date (or continue dating) a woman who you knew earned more than you did. And if you wouldn't, why not? If you would, why?:)

 

 

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Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646 Established Member

Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646

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Wouldn't bother me. Although I wouldn't date a girl though if I couldn't afford to take her out. I make ~40k and I have no problem doing so.

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DoesntGetIt Established Member

DoesntGetIt

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non factor, this isn't 1920, it doesn't matter who makes more

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Shining One Established Member

Shining One

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It wouldn't be a problem for me. I appreciate financial stability in a relationship. It's one less source for conflict and resentment.

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BlackOpsZombieGirl Established Member

BlackOpsZombieGirl

Posted
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I really like the replies so far in this thread. It makes me feel confident that there may be guys in my area that I'd like to date who wouldn't feel awkward (or embarrassed) if I earned more than they did. You'd be surprised at how some guys would feel weird about this and would actually stop dating a woman because they couldn't pay their own way on a date or because her salary was significantly higher than his.

 

 

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Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646 Established Member

Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646

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One thing I notice on Match is that the extremely successful Women always want guys who make close to 6 figures... These are the ones in the 20-30 range too lol.

 

Personally I don't see why a salary should matter at this age :/ lol.

organizedchaos Established Member

organizedchaos

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Does not matter to me.

  • Like 1
carhill Established Member

carhill

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OP, respecting the content of the thread I linked prior, I should point out that, women which I would date, have dated and indeed married who made (incremental income) more than I did, dating is getting to know and of course a woman isn't going to know the 'salary' of a self-employed person from a dating profile; such things are revealed over time. The one I married, while incrementally making more dollars each month, at the time we married had a net worth of maybe 1/500th of mine, since I had diligently built wealth over 20+ years as a single guy. So, perhaps I made less in dollars but I had a pretty good sized pile of assets and that probably factored into things.

 

In general, at least from my readings on these forums and in talking with friends, it's not so much that men mind their wives or girlfriends making a higher salary, it's more the reverse, hence why my dating experiences didn't pan out and my exW took her share of the pile and moved on. If wishes were horses....

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Dirt Member

Dirt

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I wouldn't care but the probability of that is small given my 6 figure income.

chumble Established Member

chumble

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Higher income wouldn't bother me, unless she carried an exorbitant lifestyle or attitude with it. How expensive were your outings?

fitnessfan365 Established Member

fitnessfan365

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This topic stirred up a few emotions.

 

1) My GF makes six figures and I could care less. But I'm also financially successful. So if I put myself in the pauper's shoes with the woman always paying, it might make me feel uneasy. Mainly because I was raised to be a gentleman. However, one thing I hate is entitlement. Especially in women that are college educated with good paying careers. Despite having financial resources, they have the attitude that a guy should always pay because he's the guy. Meanwhile they spend their money regularly on themselves while the guy picks up every tab like a sucker. So in a relationship, I think that a woman should be paying at least 25-30% of the time. What cracks me up is when guys will secretly complain that their GF never pays at all. Yet, they never say anything about it because they're worried about looking cheap. I have no problem saying "You can get the next one" in the beginning to set a trend that I'm not an ATM machine. So I applaud BOZG for actually contributing financially in her relationship. She's a rare woman with many good qualities. That just happens to be one of them.

 

2) Guys that settle for low paying jobs with no ambition bug me. They make excuses on how life is too hard, or they can't find work. I was being scouted as a pitcher throwing low 90's as a sophmore in high school. The day after a scout gave me his business card in a summer tournament, I threw out my arm. My dream of being a professional baseball player that I'd been working for since I was 5 went up in smoke. But did I cry about it? Nope. I started searching for other careers and eventually found personal training. Worked my way up from the bottom being in crappy gyms, learning the business, etc.. Now after six years, I make $70K a year on 20 hrs a week as an entrepreneur. My clients, my rates, my own hours, etc.. My life is one long vacation. However, I'm allowed to live that way because I busted my ass to get it. So when I read about guys like BOZG mentioned that lack financial security and don't have the ambition to change their situation, it gets under my skin.

Edited by fitnessfan365
Buddhist Established Member

Buddhist

Posted
Posted (edited)

In 3 out of the 4 longterm relationships I've had I've been the higher earner, about double that of my SOs (around $100k). I've been aware of it but I doubt the guys I've dated have been aware of it because I typically live in a fashion that belies my income. I like modest living. I think because of that, and the fact I've always preferred to go out to cheaper eateries, do things which cost little to nothing anyway that it's never been an issue in the relationship.

 

It's fine to date down in income, as long as you're not insisting on going to places only someone on your wage could afford, all the time. It's the same sensitivity I would expect if I was dating someone earning twice my income. I wouldn't be at all happy to constantly go to $1,000 a meal restaurants because that's not how I like to spend my income and I wouldn't want the other person to pay for me too.

Edited by Buddhist
fitnessfan365 Established Member

fitnessfan365

Posted
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I typically live in a fashion that belies my income. I like modest living.

 

I'm the same way. Maybe it's because my mom's an accountant and had me balancing a checkbook by the time I was nine. But I like to be financially responsible and don't feel the need to throw my money around. I live in a 750 sq ft one bedroom apartment. Although, the rent in my area is staggeringly high,and I'm paying almost $1600 a month right now. In other states I could find a kick ass two bedroom for less than what I'm paying.

TaxAHCruel Established Member

TaxAHCruel

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Cant imagine relative salaries being anywhere but at the very bottom of the list of criteria I mediate my dating decisions on.

Diezel Established Member

Diezel

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I actually had this conversation with my girlfriend a few weeks ago. She makes twice as much as I do. I've always known this, she didn't. I came clean about it, because to me it doesn't matter, nor should it to her.

 

She didn't care. I've never let it affect us. And I always chose places in the price range of what I could reasonably afford if I had to pay for both of us.

 

We've pretty much established a pattern of paying 50/50... about 80% of the time even before that conversation.

 

It honestly doesn't matter to me:

 

(A) I don't let it be an "emasculating" thing. It's not about that. I had many factors that affected my salary. I chose an early career that didn't pan out and had to start over again almost 15 years later.

 

(B) I'm ambitious and in about 5 years, I estimate I'll make as equal pay as she does, if not more.

 

© It just isn't about that. It's only a problem if I'm insecure and I let it bother me. We don't live in a one income era anymore.

elaine567 Established Member

elaine567

Posted
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I think that there are some scenarios where it can matter a lot.

 

 

  • Men with a lot of male pride and who feel they have to be the bread-winner and take in the biggest salary.
  • Men who feel inferior when they are not the top earner. It can lead to frustration, resentment and a feeling of failure.
  • Men who are ambitious who want to be top dog in the relationship salary wise, but the woman is already ahead and will continue to be ahead.
  • Men who do not have and never will have the capacity to earn the same as the woman and who are not comfortable with that fact deep down.
  • Women who have already outstripped the man by a fair margin, and/or who have the potential to sky rocket. Fine if the man is happy to go along and enjoy the ride, but no good if he feels inferior and knows he is always going to feel inferior or a failure even.
  • Men who are in lower status, boring or menial jobs who feel frustrated and unappreciated at work, can start to resent successful women who earn more.
  • Lower income men who are not respected by the woman, because of their lower salary/status/education etc.

I think anyone in the first stages if a relationship can say it doesn't matter, but a few years down the line, then for some of these men, it will start to matter.

A women making a higher salary is usually fine when the man knows he can outstrip her at some point; when he knows he probably won't is where it can get trickier IMO.

Relationships can end up being a bit of a struggle for power, add in a salary imbalance and it may become a bone of contention.

  • Like 1
Justanaverageguy Established Member

Justanaverageguy

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Posted

Can I flip it around and say that my ex wife actually had an issue because I earnt so much more then her. She was a very smart and ambitious women. She was also very proud of her intelligence and definitely had a bit of that - thought she was smarter then / better then everyone else going on.

 

I got on board an IT start up. It really was a case of right place right time - It exploded. I did also work extremely hard and as a result got great financial rewards through the stock options I got. Really good money - I was earning more then 3 times her salary. It really caused problems because I was out earning her by so much. She wasn't overly material with money .... but being smarter than, more successful and rewarded more then others was something she was used to. She really struggled with my being so far ahead of her in a professional sense.

 

So the issue doesn't just apply to men .... women can have the same pride and inferiority issues.

  • Like 2
MLAZ1990 Member

MLAZ1990

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Posted

Wtf?! Are women not allowed to make money or something lol?! If a girl I was with made more money than me, it wouldn't bother me one bit!

katiegrl Established Member

katiegrl

Posted
Posted (edited)
I really like the replies so far in this thread. It makes me feel confident that there may be guys in my area that I'd like to date who wouldn't feel awkward (or embarrassed) if I earned more than they did. You'd be surprised at how some guys would feel weird about this and would actually stop dating a woman because they couldn't pay their own way on a date or because her salary was significantly higher than his.

 

 

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BlackOps...I don't think many guys would have a problem with it, assuming of course "they" could still afford to take her out and treat her.

 

The problem in the scenario you described was your ex-boyfriend rarely, if ever, had the money to take you out at all...while YOU did. That's different.

 

But let's say he made 75K and you made 90K. In "that" case, even though you made more, HE still makes enough to take you out, treat you, etc. So your making more would make no difference, or shouldn't.

Edited by katiegrl
  • Like 1
katiegrl Established Member

katiegrl

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Posted
BlackOps...I don't think many guys would have a problem with it, assuming of course "they" could still afford to take her out and treat her.

 

The problem in the scenario you described was your ex-boyfriend rarely, if ever, had the money to take you out at all...while YOU did. That's different.

 

But let's say he made 75K and you made 90K. In "that" case, even though you made more, HE still makes enough to take you out, treat you, etc. So your making more would make no difference, or shouldn't.

 

^^ To add -- I think what's emasculating for a man is not that she makes more, but that he doesn't make enough! To take her out, buy her a gift, etc. ...while she does and is left to carry the financial load.

 

But again, if they both make decent salaries, even though she may earn more, most secure, well balanced confident men wouldn't have an issue with that.

 

I wouldn't think so anyway! :)

  • Like 2
BluEyeL Established Member

BluEyeL

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When I met my ex-H we were both college students and he was going on and on about how he wouldn't mind if the woman made more money than him. However, because 14 years into the marriage I was more successful in my career and made more than him, he dumped me. Well, first cheated, did a lot of ****ty things, and I filed for divorce, but in fact, I take that as he dumped me. Throughout the marriage, it always bothered him that I always made even a tiny bit more than him. It was insignificant at first, but it did bother him and he was bringing it up often. Eventually, it snowballed. In the end he said that he wants out because "with me" he never reached the level of success he wanted. Whatever.

 

Now my BF makes a loooot more than me. It bothers me a tiny bit, I have to say. I would have preferred him to make, say, twice as me, not 6 times. It is a power shift. It's very hard for me to sit back and let him pay for the trip to Hawaii this summer, for example, because although I do make good money compared to the average salary, I don't make enough for trips of 10 days to Maui. I can pay my bills and drive somewhere for a long weekend, maybe once a year fly somewhere like Florida, and stay with some friends instead of a hotel. I also feel more pressure to contribute beyond my means and it is very hard to resist. But overall, for me, as a woman, I think it's a good problem to have. I also feel more safe having a boyfriend who is very stable financially, although it's just an emotional thing, day to day I'm contributing 50/50 to our get together (in fact, I cook dinner 3x/week and occasionally pay out too, and he pays out 2x/week).

 

I understand a bit better how my ex-H felt, although the way he would have used his "power" if he had it, wouldn't have been for good because he isn't a good person. He did mention several times that if he had money he'd "put me to my place". True, I always did what I wanted and didn't sit there being afraid of his yelling and screaming and throwing things. he had the habit of telling me that he "forbids me" to do something and I would say "oh yeah? you "forbid" me? Well, watch me!"

  • Like 1
Frank2thepoint Established Member

Frank2thepoint

Posted
Posted

No I wouldn't mind if the woman made more than me, but I will admit I have a limit. One of which is the woman throwing it my face that she makes more which I would not tolerate. Another would be what fitnessfan365 mentioned about entitled women that make more but expect their man to spend on them but spend little to nothing on the man. I had an ex-girlfriend that made about 10-15k more than me, and she expected me to pay for everything, while making comments about how she wishes she could travel and be spoiled.

 

It was a hard decision for me to make, but I ended things with him because of this uneven dynamic between us. Even though I didn't mind paying for mostly everything - because being with him truly made me happy and I had fun with him - I knew that it made HIM uneasy and uncomfortable, which marred most of our time together.

 

Just out of curiosity, did you have a discussion with your ex on the topic?

jen1447 Established Member

jen1447

Posted
Posted
I remember when I once dated a guy who earned less than I did annually. And to be honest, I didn't really care that he was struggling financially in his chosen career path because, omg, he had nearly all of the traits (emotionally and physically) that I was looking for in a guy. However, dates and outings had started becoming awkward...and I felt bad for him because I could tell he really wanted to pay for both of us, but he just couldn't. And most of the times that he couldn't pay his own way and I paid for both of us, I felt his discomfort and uneasiness...emanating from him like heat.:(

 

It was a hard decision for me to make, but I ended things with him because of this uneven dynamic between us. Even though I didn't mind paying for mostly everything - because being with him truly made me happy and I had fun with him - I knew that it made HIM uneasy and uncomfortable, which marred most of our time together.

 

So, I'd like to hear opinions from the guys here (and I'd also like to hear from the gals) if you would date (or continue dating) a woman who you knew earned more than you did. And if you wouldn't, why not? If you would, why?:)

 

 

.

 

It doesn't bother me in either direction.

 

My BF makes less than I do (I really don't look at it as a competition, but I guess it's impossible not to know at some point), but paying for dinners isn't just a function of who earns more. If he's so broke he can't afford to eat out at all, that's one thing, but if he just makes less than me, he can still pay for dinners if he wants to. In fact, there are ways to save his pride if it's an issue, like let him pay for dinners and you pay for other things that are less public. I usually 'make' my BF pay for dinners out, but I'll pay for other things like hotels, airfare etc. if we go places.

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