hunk Posted April 1, 2015 Posted April 1, 2015 Lately, after alot of self reflection, I've been unable to shake the reality that I think there's something fundametally wrong with me when it comes to romantic relationships. I seem to just lack that feeling that everyone gets when they're in a relationship. Where they want to treat their partner right, where they put their partner first. I don't even know what the feeling of being interested in someone feels like anymore. I crave the feeling of lust and butterflies around the woman you want, but then I think "that feeling is just sexual attraction, nothing more", because i've had a stunning 9/10 woman who i treated like dirt because i couldn't respect her and she did not stimulate me mentally. So then i tell myself I need a smart, driven woman. I find that. She did not stimulate me physically in the same way my gorgeous ex did, despite being objectively gorgeous herself, and consequently I didn't have that "spark" for her and, once again, treated her like dirt. So that leaves me thinking I will never be satisfied or able to give a woman a relationship she deserves. I feel like I am incapable of truly loving anyone, because love denotes ACTION. Love is DOING things for someone, in the way you act. It isn't telling someone you love them. It's the feeling of compulsion you get when you want to do things for a person for a reason you can only attribute to "loving them", and nothing else. My last few relationships have just "happened", I can't remember the last time I actively pursued a woman because I wanted her. What results are relationships out of convenience for me. I end up taking the entire relationship for granted, waiting for the "feeling" (that was never there from the beginning), realizing it's not going to come, and basically letting the relationship die. It's like while i'm in the relationship I think "if i keep behaving this way, she is going to leave" but i don't do anything about it because i don't CARE enough. And then when they leave me i'm left with the feeling of not knowing whether I actually did have feelings for the girl or I just miss the company and affection. I just kind of feel like this is never going to change. I'm currently involved with a woman but I can already honestly admit to myself I am just in it for the companionship and sex. When is this going to change? What the hell am i actually waiting for? If a girl is attractive and shares many things in common with me why can't I commit to them and have a proper relationship? I am the cause of every failed relationship, I have women giving me their all and I just don't care. It's almost sadistic, because I KNOW what i'm doing and then they leave me and I want to die. I just want to know that the feeling of WANTING to treat your partner right is a real, universal thing. I want to know that love isn't something you have to "wait for" when you're with someone, and that i will know i love my partner WHILE I'M WITH THEM, and not when it's over. I guess I just needed to dump this somewhere. If anyone has any thoughts regarding this i'd love to hear them. I'm just really disillusioned and exhausted with the prospect of ever being able to make someone happy in the way they deserve - i feel like i am literally incapable of it. Someone in another thread of mine mentioned narcissism and i really think i might be dangerously narcissistic
Author hunk Posted April 1, 2015 Author Posted April 1, 2015 I'm just sick of the WAITING feeling. I feel like i'm perpetually waiting. When i'm with a girl, i'm still waiting for something else. I don't even know what it is. It's as if i subconsciously know what i'm waiting for, and that's what's causing me to act so poorly, but i'm not consciously aware of it. It feels like everything else falls to the wayside while i'm waiting for this ... thing. I don't know if it's a person or something happening in my life. I hear people get this feeling when they are dying. I hope it's not that
thecharade Posted April 1, 2015 Posted April 1, 2015 In my experience, what you describe is not uncommon. It is a form of commitment phobia; the person (you) does not realize that they are subconsciously sabotaging every relationship by finding flaws, hence avoiding true intimacy and risk. The people that I know say, "I am just too picky," and so they end up alone. (I have two such friends, both in their 40s and have never married.) This is definitely something you will need to work on if you want to fix it. It won't go away on its own. Your thinking is protecting you, but the price for that protection is high. Could you also have some narcissism? Keep digging if you want to change this because the answer will be in you. 1
darkbloom Posted April 9, 2015 Posted April 9, 2015 Are you subconsciously choosing people that you know you cant love to protect yourself from getting hurt? It sounds like you have a lot of insight on yourself and your actions. If you're able to analyze your wrong doings in the relationships and still not make a change, maybe you are picking the wrong people to date. I know people put a lot of emphasis on looks. And it is mildly important. But have you ever looked at a girl and just had a connection? Like an energy that you can both feel? I think you need a deeper connection with someone before you even start dating them. The flip side of that connection is that you are truly devastated when you care for them and want to make them happy and they choose to not let you do that for them anymore. 1
SycamoreCircle Posted April 9, 2015 Posted April 9, 2015 You are right. You are the problem. You need to stop dating altogether. You have baggage. It traces back to that first woman. Stop considering women in terms of 9/10. It's demeaning to yourself. I would estimate that you put a lot of stock in what others think of you. You have low-lying symptoms of narcissism. Start to evaluate yourself and others genuinely. Read. Reading is a receptive act. It is kin to listening. Start to listen to others and refrain from asserting your own opinion. These will be important lessons to you. Be alone. Self-reflect. Practice mindfulness. Get away from the frenetic attention of smartphones and Internet. Move towards what is real, not virtual. This is not something you have to observe strictly for the rest of your life, just until you begin to gain a better sense of yourself. 1
Emilia Posted April 9, 2015 Posted April 9, 2015 What are your parents like, OP? How is/was their marriage? You appear to rationalise your feelings and that's a form of defense mechanism. 1
darkbloom Posted April 20, 2015 Posted April 20, 2015 Hunk, I am still waiting for you to update this thread so we can psychoanalyze the hell out of you. After following your other posts, I am more curious than ever about the answers to the questions in this post. Don't leave us hanging, db
Author hunk Posted April 21, 2015 Author Posted April 21, 2015 Sorry DB, didn't even see this thread got all of these responses. Well ****, never done this before but here we go i guess. Well yeah. My parents have an ideal marriage, they are essentially perfect together and i've been brought up with them being nothing but loving towards eachother. As a kid i was a weirdo but i was very popular because I liked people and was good with people but never responded well to praise or anything. I hated it and hated being told i was good at things or people telling me they liked me or whatever. I'm extremely insecure if i'm going to be honest. I care about myself superficially and the way I appear to others but deep down I don't care about myself at all. In every relationship i've had i've never felt good/attractive enough. While i crave a relationship and someone to care about me I ultimately feel like i am undeserving of this. I am unable to treat people in a way that is detached from my own ends (making myself feel important/needed). This doesn't mean I mistreat people purposely or anything it just means I do not treat people that care about me how they should be treated because I myself feel like i'm not worthy of them caring about me (i know this is ridiculous). When i'm in a relationship with someone I find it impossible to just let go and give myself to them because I'm terrified of them leaving me as that's what i feel like i am worth. I feel like i have to put this front up in order to keep women interested, when i am a thoughtful, emotional and introspective and deeply analytical person. When i feel a woman cares for me I feel like i have "won" and the only way I can keep her interested is by behaving in a way that ensures I won't get hurt. I keep them hanging so I'm not the one who gives everything and gets hurt, because i'm convinced I am going to get hurt. I dunno. I need to learn how to care about myself. Because I don't, and then when I am with someone who does care about me it's almost like i'm repelled and push them away because I can't understand why they do. I care about myself enough to attract a woman but I attract them to essentially make me feel something, and then when I feel they start caring about me i think "well I am a piece of ****, why does this girl actually like me, she doesn't even know who i am" and i just detatch, and end up miserable. It felt extremely contrived typing all that but I do feel a bit better. I've never said any of this to anyone. Perhaps counseling would help me understand all of this a bit better. Thanks to anyone interested / reading still 3
darkbloom Posted April 21, 2015 Posted April 21, 2015 Sorry DB, didn't even see this thread got all of these responses. Well ****, never done this before but here we go i guess. Well yeah. My parents have an ideal marriage, they are essentially perfect together and i've been brought up with them being nothing but loving towards eachother. As a kid i was a weirdo but i was very popular because I liked people and was good with people but never responded well to praise or anything. I hated it and hated being told i was good at things or people telling me they liked me or whatever. I'm extremely insecure if i'm going to be honest. I care about myself superficially and the way I appear to others but deep down I don't care about myself at all. In every relationship i've had i've never felt good/attractive enough. While i crave a relationship and someone to care about me I ultimately feel like i am undeserving of this. I am unable to treat people in a way that is detached from my own ends (making myself feel important/needed). This doesn't mean I mistreat people purposely or anything it just means I do not treat people that care about me how they should be treated because I myself feel like i'm not worthy of them caring about me (i know this is ridiculous). When i'm in a relationship with someone I find it impossible to just let go and give myself to them because I'm terrified of them leaving me as that's what i feel like i am worth. I feel like i have to put this front up in order to keep women interested, when i am a thoughtful, emotional and introspective and deeply analytical person. When i feel a woman cares for me I feel like i have "won" and the only way I can keep her interested is by behaving in a way that ensures I won't get hurt. I keep them hanging so I'm not the one who gives everything and gets hurt, because i'm convinced I am going to get hurt. I dunno. I need to learn how to care about myself. Because I don't, and then when I am with someone who does care about me it's almost like i'm repelled and push them away because I can't understand why they do. I care about myself enough to attract a woman but I attract them to essentially make me feel something, and then when I feel they start caring about me i think "well I am a piece of ****, why does this girl actually like me, she doesn't even know who i am" and i just detatch, and end up miserable. It felt extremely contrived typing all that but I do feel a bit better. I've never said any of this to anyone. Perhaps counseling would help me understand all of this a bit better. Thanks to anyone interested / reading still Hunk, I've dated you. I'm sure of it. You are speaking a language that I understand very well. You sound like you are extremely sensitive and insecure. To make up for that, you do everything you can to hide it so no one will know. You probably behave like a jerk so that people won't get too close. I really think that counseling will help you tremendously. You sound like a great guy who beleives so deeply that he's not worthy of anything. You literally sabotage your relationships to eliminate any possibility of you getting hurt. You live in fear and in lies. I'm going to take a wild guess (since we've dated and all) that when you fought with this girl, if she did something or said something wrong you took it as a personal attack on you. Even if it was not intended that way. I'm also going to guess that when she did something nice for you, you pushed her farther away because you feel as though you don't deserve it. You can have a happy life with a great girl once you realize that you are worthy of it. You don't have to be deep and sensitive and analytical and play a part to keep a girl. You just have to be yourself and be honest. You accepting the possibility that you've made some mistakes but you're not a piece of **** will do wonders. Everyone is vulnerable and afraid of getting hurt. It's the risk that makes it worth it though. 2
casey.lives Posted April 21, 2015 Posted April 21, 2015 just be a fake whore!!!! it's the only thing that people want! PAIN!@!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Acacia98 Posted April 21, 2015 Posted April 21, 2015 Wow, hunk. You have a tremendous degree of self-awareness. That's a really good thing. It means you have a good chance of figuring out what's wrong and finding a healthy way to deal with it. I definitely recommend getting counseling. I also recommend not dating. I would also recommend looking up depression because, in my experience, the tendency to see things in such a bleak and negative manner is often tied to depression. I really wish you the best going forward.
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