Affair blew up

[Phxguy2001]

I'm not sure if this a question or just a story that I have to tell. I just had a 5 month affair blow up recently. I am married for 20 years in my late forties with no children. I love my wife but she has made live very hard for us. She has been through rehab 3 times for pain meds and has no real interest in sex. My affair partner is a wonderful woman also in her late forties, but with 5 kids and a mentally abusive husband. We have been really good friends for four years and have always been very flirty. About 6 months ago we realized that we were much more then friends and slowly started changing our relationship to a romantic one. We both knew that this would be difficult but we were determined to make a go of it.

I would always see her at her place of business and we would make believe that we were only friends. The both of us were truly in love with one another to the point of being silly and stupid. Because of out limited time alone we only had sex a handful of times. The chemistry that we had was like nothing else I have ever experienced before. We really had talked about leaving our spouses to be together...that was until she got caught in a lie when she was with me.

Her husband knew she was lying and then he checked the cell phone records. I know how stupid we were, thousands of calls and texts of the course of 5 months. She finally gave me up 3 weeks ago and things have gone off a cliff.

My wife knows something is going on but does really not want to know. My affair partner and I tried to keep in contact covertly after things blew up until last week.

She was at a restaurant by herself and I walked in and had a great conversation until her husband saw her car in the parking lot and walked in. He confronted me and took a swing at me before some other gentlemen intervened. It has gone from bad to almost worst case scenario. The husband wants my partner to take out a retraining order against me in order for them to stay married. After she told me that, I asked her not to contact me again and blocked her from all my social media and cell phone. She had asked me to leave my wife and rescue her but I could not pull the trigger. I truly regret that decision.

Very long story kinda short, both of us are completely heartbroken at this abrupt ending and don't know what to do. I have not spoken to her in a week and do not anticipate talking anytime soon. She does not want to lose her children.

Other then the obvious that we were complete idiots, any ideas on how to get through this heartbreak? I cannot bear the thought of never being able to be her friend again.

[PegNosePete]

Well, I think the solution will be easy once you have a final answer. Both from yourself and from your AP.

 

Do you want to leave your wife for her?

Does she want to leave her husband for you?

 

You need final answers here not maybe's or I'll think about it. YES or NO. If you're both a yes, then you can make that happen. If one of you is a no or a maybe, then you need to cut contact.

[MJJean]

Why does she think she'll lose her kids if she leaves? Unless she can be proven unfit in court, the chances of her losing her kids is very, very, slim.

 

If she actually wants out and so do you, then you can both file for divorce and make your relationship real. If it's just been future faking, then best to go NC and move on.

 

She is a package deal, though, so if you're thinking you want to make a life together you'll have to factor in the kids. There is a big difference in the lifestyle of a childless couple and the lifestyle of a couple with children in the house.

[katielee]

wondering how you think a relationship with someone willing to have an affair while married is a good decision.

If you were so unhappy in your marriage why didn't you divorce your wife first? I see lots of justification and excuses to why you had an affair.

[No Limit]

She thought you were her knight in shining armor, but let her down. Also she wouldn't lose her children, they'd just move in with you. You also haven't mentioned your wife in all this, does she know?

 

Divorce her and be with AP, she does sound like the desperate type.

[truncated]

A few points to consider.

 

Something smells fishy here. You say this woman is living with a mentally abused husband and wants you to save her by leaving your wife to be with her?

 

Seriously, what's up with that? This woman has five kids, and is continuing to live in a home where she claims she is being abused, thus exposing her kids to that behavior. They have to witness that, and she still stays?

 

Either this woman is so beaten down she can't leave ( which given that she is having an affair with you and is continuing to stay in contact with you covertly is kind of hard to accept) or she is playing some sort of a game with you.

 

Either way, it's pretty poor behavior on both your parts.

 

In her case, what is "mental abuse" anyway? Has she ever given more details? what do you actually know for sure about their home life, beyond what she tells you? If it's that bad, why is she continuing to stay there with her kids? Why is their mental well being and future not enough to make her leave?

 

She says she can't leave because she doesn't want to lose her kids, yet she keeps right on engaging in the affair even after her husband finds out. How is that showing any sort of concern for her kids?Rather than get up and leave ( or ask you to) when she was at the restaurant, she had a nice chat with you. Where was her concern for her kids then?

 

Again, why does she need to you "rescue her"? How will that make things any different in terms of keeping her kids? Seems she would have much better ground to stand on if she left on her own.

 

As for her husband, who knows. Yes, he took a swing at you, which is both wrong and incredibly stupid, but he's not the first man to catch his wife out cheating on him to have done something stupid. It may not actually indicate what he is normally like.

 

It sounds like you care for her, but take off your rose colored glasses for a minute and take a look to see what is really going on.

 

About your wife, it sounds like you need to either sort things out with her or leave. either way, let her know what has been going on and let her have the dignity of having a say in her own life.

[loveboid]

If you don't want to marry her I'm sure she would accept a shoulder to lean on to help her get out of her marriage if she still chooses to divorce. If it's an abusive situation I would trust that he's making it very hard in subtle and not-so-subtle ways for her to leave so what she really needs is a friend anyway.

[Satu]

If you love each other as much as you say, you should both get divorced to be together.

 

If you don't get divorced to be together, it casts doubt on the reality of the love that you profess.

[Lion Heart]

I'm not sure if 1 thing in that thread starter was rational UNTIL you feared for YOUR OWN safety, then you threw the MOW under a bus and ASKED for NC. That's not love.

 

She threw you under a mini-van and now a bus. I think..

 

I think MOW was looking for a new gravy train. Hope you're cashed up to raise 5 kids. The fake life is over and now real life consequences begin. It ain't pretty and it's the fault of both of you married people who decided to have an A. THAT PART you both had FULL control over.

It's the real life consequences NOW that neither of you have much control over. Stinks doesn't it.

 

IMO you both wanted to be cake-eaters, you deserve each other.

 

MOW may stay with you until she can upgrade. She's a cheat.

 

Some men have been left "holding the baby" that isn't theirs! MOW has 5. Woah.

 

IMO if she valued her children as MUCH as she professes to you, her actions dispute this fact undeniably.

 

The last rational thing you can do here is to tell your wife what you've been up to. Let her know your user name on ls and allow her to make a decision based on the truth. Obviously you've been unhappy for a long time and life hasn't been good for her either with you. Things have gone too far now. D would be the only solution for me if my WH was in love with an OW.

 

Lion Heart.

[10thengineerharrison]

This really makes no sense. If your marriage has been so bad for so long, and you have no kids, why the heck wouldn't it have been an easy choice to get a divorce before having an affair?

 

And if her marriage was so abusive, why didn't she get out herself? (and why the heck would you have an affair with someone who's BH might get violent on his wife or YOU when he found out?).

 

Now, you've turned yourself and your OW into a pair of lying cheaters. So even if you get divorces now, you'll have no reason to believe that, when the going gets tough, one of you won't cheat again.

 

-10th Engineer Harrison

[oldshirt]

. She had asked me to leave my wife and rescue her but I could not pull the trigger.

 

 

.

 

"When men rescue damsels in distress, all they are left to show for it is having a distressed damsel on their hands."

 

 

-Dr Laura Schlesinger

 

 

 

 

 

 

Another point to take is if two men are competing for a woman, the man that has the strongest frame is the one that rides off into the sunset with her.

 

 

So far the score is Husband - 2.

Phxguy2001 - 0.

[obtuseedge]

I was in a similar situation up to a few weeks ago. Had an affair with a co-worker who had an abusive husband. I love my wife but our marriage has been in the doldrums the past few years. My AP and I had incredible chemistry. Affair lasted about 6 months. She eventually left the husband about two months ago. But D-Day came four weeks ago when my wife found out about the affair. I had to make a tough decision and decided to go NC with my affair partner and refocus on my marriage.

 

If I were you, I'd really think things though. It isn't so simple. She has five kids. Make sure you are ready to take on an entire brood if you want to be with her.

[Phxguy2001]

Thank you for all of your frank responses, I appreciate it. I guess that I have 2 reasons for not telling my wife and/or divorcing her. She has just passed her 120 days of sobriety and I am concerned what that news would do to her...I get it, my timing sucks. The other reason is the kids, I don't have any and am worried about that...2 of the five are on their own so I would be 3. I have not had any contact with my AP in 2 weeks now. We only live 1.5 miles apart so I have been avoiding places that she frequents. At some point I will bump into her, hopefully later rather then sooner so that I can move on. However, if I do see her soon I'm not sure what I'll do...probably get sucked in again. I know how stupid this sounds to many of you, but love is blind, deaf and in my case dumb. This was the first affair for both of us and we missed the learning curve for sure.

[I_Give_Up67]

Thank you for all of your frank responses, I appreciate it. I guess that I have 2 reasons for not telling my wife and/or divorcing her. She has just passed her 120 days of sobriety and I am concerned what that news would do to her...I get it, my timing sucks. The other reason is the kids, I don't have any and am worried about that...2 of the five are on their own so I would be 3. I have not had any contact with my AP in 2 weeks now. We only live 1.5 miles apart so I have been avoiding places that she frequents. At some point I will bump into her, hopefully later rather then sooner so that I can move on. However, if I do see her soon I'm not sure what I'll do...probably get sucked in again. I know how stupid this sounds to many of you, but love is blind, deaf and in my case dumb. This was the first affair for both of us and we missed the learning curve for sure.

 

 

 

 

Please let this be your last and only affair.

 

 

If not please do the right thing and file for divorce to be somewhat fair to your BW.

 

Good luck on your M

[PegNosePete]

I guess that I have 2 reasons for not telling my wife and/or divorcing her.

Oh come on, do you expect us to believe that BS? You can be honest here, it's all anonymous.

 

You have only ONE reason for not telling your wife. Saving your own skin.

[truncated]

Why do so many men who get involved with married women say that their mw is a "wonderful woman who is being mentally abused by her husband"?

 

The more of the story you tell, the more the old bullsh@t meter goes off.

 

 

So now it's down to three kids instead of five that she is afraid of "losing" which is why she can't leave, or at least can't leave without you these to rescue her- i don't understand how you being there for her will somehow magically make it possible for her to keep her kids- and yet she still stays.

 

 

Her kids well being is not enough of a reason to leave, but you are? This means she is either a sorry excuse for a mom or she is lying.

[No Limit]

Please let this be your last and only affair.

 

It won't be, promise. But first he'll continue to entertain this affair for a few years, seeing that he's eager to keep it a secret.

[Chasing_mya]

She's uphappy and looking for a way out and thinks you may be the answer. She needs you as a crutch, to lean on. There is so much to consider here. You don't have any children, she has 5. Are you prepared to take on that responsibility? Are you prepared to go through the turmoil she's going to experience with her H? He's not going to let go without a fight. If she leaves let it be because she genuinely wants to be with you & vice versa, not because she's in an abusive marriage (that she chooses to be in) and wants a knight in shining armor to rescue her. She's the only one that can remove herself & kids from that environment. It shouldn't take being involved with you for her to do and see that. I'd leave it alone because its all so messy. I wish you the best. I can only imagine how much this pains you.

[10thengineerharrison]

Thank you for all of your frank responses, I appreciate it. I guess that I have 2 reasons for not telling my wife and/or divorcing her. She has just passed her 120 days of sobriety and I am concerned what that news would do to her...I get it, my timing sucks.

 

Actually, it's your logic that sucks. Not telling her isn't the problem. The problem is that you already cheated. And your a fool if you think you have a chance of keeping this filthy secret indefinitely, especially since the OW only lives 1.5 miles away.

 

The other reason is the kids, I don't have any and am worried about that...2 of the five are on their own so I would be 3.

 

I don't understand what you're saying here. You don't have any kids of your own, but you're worried about that? Then, 2 of the 5 kids are on their own, so you're the third kid somehow?

 

I have not had any contact with my AP in 2 weeks now. We only live 1.5 miles apart so I have been avoiding places that she frequents. At some point I will bump into her, hopefully later rather then sooner so that I can move on. However, if I do see her soon I'm not sure what I'll do...probably get sucked in again. I know how stupid this sounds to many of you, but love is blind, deaf and in my case dumb.

 

Real love isn't a feeling, it's a conscious choice. You don't have love here.

 

This was the first affair for both of us and we missed the learning curve for sure.

 

What are you going to do about it now? How are you going to avoid "getting sucked in" again? And again. And again...

 

-10th Engineer Harrison

[harrybrown]

Tell your wife before your AP's husband tells her.

 

It will be better coming from you, than from him.

[MJJean]

Tell your wife before your AP's husband tells her.

 

It will be better coming from you, than from him.

 

If you end up seeing FMOW and get sucked back in there is a good chance her husband will find out and then decide to tell your wife and/or toss FMOW out on her butt.

 

You don't have to get sucked back in. By believing you'll get sucked in you're guaranteeing it! Stop thinking that way. I believe our emotions and instincts are a supplement to our intelligence and vice versa.

 

You know that getting sucked back in is a big bucket of badness. So, don't allow yourself to get sucked back in. Maintain NC. If you should see FMOW, do NOT acknowledge her. Just keep moving like you didn't see her, don't entertain thoughts of her, and go on with your day. Exercise some discipline. Put your intelligence in the drivers seat and stow your emotions, tied up and gagged, in the trunk.

[Ruffian1]

Her husband is abusive? Then why would she have 5 kids with him. There are ways to prevent that kind of thing, has been for decades I hear.

 

 

She had five with her HUSBAND because she WANTED to.

 

 

 

 

Can't understand why he would be paranoid living with a cheating wife.

[nightmare01]

You need to realize that sooner or later your BW is going to find out. My bet is that it will be sooner because your AP husband knows and he is very likely to get in touch with your BW.

 

Believe me, it would be much better if this information comes from you.

[jan2012]

A few points to consider.

 

Something smells fishy here. You say this woman is living with a mentally abused husband and wants you to save her by leaving your wife to be with her?

 

Seriously, what's up with that? This woman has five kids, and is continuing to live in a home where she claims she is being abused, thus exposing her kids to that behavior. They have to witness that, and she still stays?

 

Either this woman is so beaten down she can't leave ( which given that she is having an affair with you and is continuing to stay in contact with you covertly is kind of hard to accept) or she is playing some sort of a game with you.

 

Either way, it's pretty poor behavior on both your parts.

 

In her case, what is "mental abuse" anyway? Has she ever given more details? what do you actually know for sure about their home life, beyond what she tells you? If it's that bad, why is she continuing to stay there with her kids? Why is their mental well being and future not enough to make her leave?

 

She says she can't leave because she doesn't want to lose her kids, yet she keeps right on engaging in the affair even after her husband finds out. How is that showing any sort of concern for her kids?Rather than get up and leave ( or ask you to) when she was at the restaurant, she had a nice chat with you. Where was her concern for her kids then?

 

Again, why does she need to you "rescue her"? How will that make things any different in terms of keeping her kids? Seems she would have much better ground to stand on if she left on her own.

 

As for her husband, who knows. Yes, he took a swing at you, which is both wrong and incredibly stupid, but he's not the first man to catch his wife out cheating on him to have done something stupid. It may not actually indicate what he is normally like.

 

It sounds like you care for her, but take off your rose colored glasses for a minute and take a look to see what is really going on.

 

About your wife, it sounds like you need to either sort things out with her or leave. either way, let her know what has been going on and let her have the dignity of having a say in her own life.

 

 

Good point and perhaps one should consider the context of the perceived 'mental abuse".

 

Anybody who is unhappy in their marriage could technically call it mental abuse. It is a negative mental experience to be somewhere you don't want to be.

 

One creates a lot of negative feedback when you don't want to be somewhere.

 

One place is always less than another if you prefer the other at any given point in time, whether a temporary feeling or otherwise.

 

People say this often about being in a job they hate, they say the company, boss or business owner treats their employees poorly. Again, mental abuse is commonly claimed.

 

So context is important here.

 

It is always sad when you can't have what you want. It is also part of growing up, being able to sit in an uncomfortable place and just do that, sit with it and accept it. Until you are no longer uncomfortable with it. Children have said that they are scared of uncomfortable situations, for example children often say they are afraid of the uncomfortable situation that occurs if they have to go see the principal at school. But they are children and they are learning at that point in their lives that feeling uncomfortable is actually a sign of growing.

 

All this drama about losing the love of your life is not what it appears to be, but rather it is part realizing it wasn't what you thought it. Abrupt reality can be harsh.

 

It is always harder to learn these lessons when we become adults rather than learn them as kids. If one had a parent who held us accountable as a child for lying about what we did or cheating on a test, or how to overcome making a poor choice in life, than one would not have to learn the lesson at a time when one should be modeling this for their own kids.

Edited April 6, 2015 by jan2012

[Phxguy2001]

She's uphappy and looking for a way out and thinks you may be the answer. She needs you as a crutch, to lean on. There is so much to consider here. You don't have any children, she has 5. Are you prepared to take on that responsibility? Are you prepared to go through the turmoil she's going to experience with her H? He's not going to let go without a fight. If she leaves let it be because she genuinely wants to be with you & vice versa, not because she's in an abusive marriage (that she chooses to be in) and wants a knight in shining armor to rescue her. She's the only one that can remove herself & kids from that environment. It shouldn't take being involved with you for her to do and see that. I'd leave it alone because its all so messy. I wish you the best. I can only imagine how much this pains you.

 

Thank you so much for your support. I really appreciate that you are not judgmental in your comments. Most of them comments I received from other people have been ok, some brutally honest which is fine and a couple completely judgmental...I get it, I was wrong and stupid, I don't really need a lecture on morality. I'm really just tying to find my way past the heartbreak at this point. I was going into Safeway yesterday when I noticed my AP's car in the parking lot. I turned around walked back to my car and left...I could't bear seeing her with NC. I'm not sure if I should have just got it over with or not.

Edited April 6, 2015 by Phxguy2001
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