HoldOn Posted April 15, 2005 Posted April 15, 2005 Please explain the reasons why breaking up with him is not an option. Being in love is NOT a good enough reason. However, it would be enough IN COMBINATION with: "He treats me great," "I never doubt his love," "he would do anything for me," "We are so compatible with our interests," "He makes me feel special" "He's never lied to me" "He's very responsible" "We can discuss any problems in our relationship openly" etc... All I'm saying is that love is NOT enough. There must be love and respect on BOTH sides of the relationship. Oh, BTW, Here are some reasons that you SHOULD break up with him. -He gave you herpes. -He is not using condoms with the strangers he f--ks. -Two nights a week he sleeps with other women. -YOU are not allowed to date other people. -You are not allowed to talk to him about things that bother you. Please take 60 seconds and just imagine what your life would be without him. The nights you would not be up worrying about who he is f--king. The lack of sexually transmitted diesases. The possibility for a real man out there. (who won't give you herpes)
RecordProducer Posted April 15, 2005 Posted April 15, 2005 Originally posted by GirlDown this is not your thread, and so i was not talking to you. your boyfriend is a piece of sh*it too, but in a different way.. :lmao: :lmao: SUNFLOWER, may I ask you a very personal question? What are your and your boyfriend's religion and nationality? (not asking you about your passport, but origin) Because in certain cultures and (lack of) religions it is absolutely unthinkable that a woman would tolerate that kind of behavior from a man. You volunteer to be his personal slave. You know he lied to you about the condoms, you know he's cheating on you, you know you can't say a word about anything, you even can't mention to him that he transmitted herpes to you. Does he abuse you physically also? You wanted your relationship to sound western-minded so you named it an "open relationship", but it's not it. It's a typical social standard for certain cultures and countries. So if you're obliged to put up with it because of your origin, maybe we could understand your problem better.
SunflowerGirl Posted April 15, 2005 Posted April 15, 2005 (sorry this is so long) RecordProducer, we are both born and raised in the US, and no he would never ever abuse me physically. I have a lot of reasons to love him, that is why I am trying to cope with this issue of a one-sided open relationship deal. Tonight is one of the nights we are not together and I have been waiting for a call from him all night. When he doesn't call, my mind wanders and it will be one of those nights I cannot sleep in peace. (and GirlDown you are scaring me with the thought that a condom could break, but I truly have enough trust in him that he would tell me, we love each other) HoldOn, you ask why breaking up is not an option. In addition to love, I could say "He treats me great," "he would do anything for me," "We are so compatible with our interests," "He makes me feel special" "He's never lied to me" "He's very responsible" from your list, but not "I never doubt his love," (sometimes I do for the sole reason that he is not exclusive with me, but I may be wrong on that since the other girls are only for physical reasons, he spends his real time with me as far as talking and more of a deeper and actual relationship) "We can discuss any problems in our relationship openly" so it's not that bad as there are reasons in addition to love for which I do not want to break up with him. I would be devestated. That's why I need help if I am to confront him with anything so that I do not upset him. Also HoldOn, I am not ready to accept that he does not use condoms with the other girls. He is a very honest person, one of the traits I like the most about him and that is why he does not "cheat" behind my back, he has been open about this. I will be spending the weekend with him and am trying to think of how I can bring up asking him if he uses condoms with the other girls, whcih he had told me he does years ago so I never questioned it but now 2 of you are suggesting that he doesn't so this is too painful to think about and i really have to find a way to ask him. We have not discussed this in a long time and I don't want to upset him in any way, I need to be mature about it and any suggestions on how I can bring it up casually without my anger and fear and sick-stomach feeling showing? His other qualities are so good that they have so far outweighed this issue and I have felt fortunate that he has been with me. I feel weak that it is now getting to me, I want to be strong like I used to be. I don't know why I am suddenly always jealous and thinking about the other girls when in the past I would not let it come into my mind. As much as I try, i have been failing to block it out of my mind. I even started drinking for a short period not too long ago but had to stop because I was scared it would become a habit. I desperately need help (we are both in our 30s in case anyone was wondering).
SunflowerGirl Posted April 16, 2005 Posted April 16, 2005 I will provide an update MOnday if anyone is interested to know how things will go. Wish me luck please.
Guest Posted April 16, 2005 Posted April 16, 2005 Originally posted by SunflowerGirl ... (and GirlDown you are scaring me with the thought that a condom could break, but I truly have enough trust in him that he would tell me, we love each other) OMG! I am speechless and that doesn't happen often! He gave you herpes and you still insist on trusting him??? Originally posted by SunflowerGirl "We can discuss any problems in our relationship openly" so it's not that bad as there are reasons in addition to love for which I do not want to break up with him. I would be devastated. You can discuss problems openly? Then discuss this problem with HIM~! Oh, I forgot, he threatens to dump you at the very hint of this discussion... Originally posted by SunflowerGirl That's why I need help if I am to confront him with anything so that I do not upset him. ... This is sad. This relationship is not at all equal or even approaching being equal. Why is it that he isn't worried about passing STDs on to you, yet you worry about discussing the very real, most probable likelihood that he passed one on to you. I wonder what your growing up years were like. Did your Father treat your Mother like this? Who was your role model for womanhood? What was she like? This is horrible. Originally posted by SunflowerGirl I will be spending the weekend with him and am trying to think of how I can bring up asking him if he uses condoms with the other girls, whcih he had told me he does years ago so I never questioned it but now 2 of you are suggesting that he doesn't so this is too painful to think about and i really have to find a way to ask him. We have not discussed this in a long time and I don't want to upset him in any way, I need to be mature about it and any suggestions on how I can bring it up casually without my anger and fear and sick-stomach feeling showing? You have every right to be angry and scared. However, I think it will take his passing on to you a life-threatening STD before you wake up. Again, this so very, very sad. Dying from AIDS is NOT pretty! Originally posted by SunflowerGirl ... I have felt fortunate that he has been with me. Again, I am speechless. This is so terrible.
Guest Posted April 16, 2005 Posted April 16, 2005 Originally posted by SunflowerGirl I will provide an update MOnday if anyone is interested to know how things will go. Wish me luck please. PLEASE come back and tell us you decided you are too good for this type of relationship! I am rooting for you to value yourself for once more than him.
Guest Posted April 16, 2005 Posted April 16, 2005 LOL me again! Is he supporting you financially? Is financial support what this is all about???
Pendawn Posted April 16, 2005 Posted April 16, 2005 Originally posted by SunflowerGirl HoldOn, you ask why breaking up is not an option. In addition to love, I could say "He treats me great," "he would do anything for me," Anything except stop sleeping with other women, allowing you to speak your mind, putting your health and happiness before his d*ck. Originally posted by SunflowerGirl "He makes me feel special" So special that you spend 2 nights a week wondering what women he is sleepign with. So special that he's telling you you are nto enough to satisfy him in bed and he must seek out numerous other women to fullfill him. So special that he doesn't want to hear when youa re troubled or upset. Originally posted by SunflowerGirl "He's never lied to me" "He's very responsible" from your list, Except that he is most likely not using condoms with other women, telling you he has and passing on goodness only knows how many STDS to you. Originally posted by SunflowerGirl "We can discuss any problems in our relationship openly" No you can't. You have said that he's said if you bring up the other women he will dump you. That is NOT havign the ability to openly discuss all your problems, or you'd be talking to him about herpes and his other women rather than being terrified of bringing them up in case he dumps you. Originally posted by SunflowerGirl That's why I need help if I am to confront him with anything so that I do not upset him. Why should you worry if you upset him? YOU are upset, he should be concerned - if he loves you - that something is upsetting you and want you to talk about it so it can be cleared up. I was worried that my current guy had an STD and had possibility passed it on to me, as soon as I feared this I saw him and talked it through - and my worries were totally unfounded, I didn't have it, he didn't have it, it was merely a weird coincedence. But though it was an awkward thing to bring up, becuase I was basically accusing him of lying to me in a way, he was understanding of my concern and worry and it was totally fine because he was happy to set my mind at ease. Originally posted by SunflowerGirl Also HoldOn, I am not ready to accept that he does not use condoms with the other girls. He is a very honest person, one of the traits I like the most about him and that is why he does not "cheat" behind my back, he has been open about this. He may be honest but he's not open. He wants the whole thine not to be discussed or brought up - that isn't openness. he has a whole lfie over 2 days that youa re not allwoed to ask him about. how do you know that he doesn't have a steady girl, just like you that he sees those 2 days every week? And he's telling her don't ask me what I do the other 5 days, and yes darling of course I use condoms with other women? Really how do you know if you're not allowed to discuss that time with him? Oh and you are not weak! You are incredibly strong to have put up with this for so long, I think you're seeing sense. An open relationship is just that OPEN, where both partners are open and honest, willing to try things be with other people but have that base together. You do not have that. You have a man who is holding all the cards and pulling all the strings. He's told you exactly what you can and can't do and yet he can do whatever the hell he likes. That's not open, that's not fair and that's not the actions of love. Love is not selfish.
HoldOn Posted April 16, 2005 Posted April 16, 2005 Thank you Pendawn, When I read that Sunflower thinks her bf has all these qualities I was so dumbfounded! I didn't know what to say. Hopefully, Sunflower, you will open your eyes a little and see that you: Can't discuss things openly with him, He doesn't make you feel special, He does not treat you well, He would NOT do anything for you. Please, for the love of God and all that is holy, realize that you deserve to be treated with respect and love. This relationship is completely one-sided. Please let us know what happens on Monday and take care of yourself.
SunflowerGirl Posted April 18, 2005 Posted April 18, 2005 You guys are starting to make me think of the situation differently. I was initially concerned with MY weakness of not being able to cope with the open part of the relationship lately, and here you all are giving me feedback about the relationship as a whole, that I need to do better and all. This is not along the lines my concerns were initially, but the thought that he does not use condoms was a shocking statement that has made me feel sick and I am having a hard time dealing with and of coming to terms with this possibility which I do not want to believe could be true. I haven't felt so devestated that I can remember compared to this one thought. As an update - as much as I tried, i was not able to bring up any of the issues that are bothering me. I didn't have the courage to ask if he uses condoms. Like I said, it has not been brought up for a long time and I didn't know how to bring it up just in case his feelings would get hurt I woujld have regretted it. I also was hoping once I brought that up and my mind would be able to rest in peace knowing that I would not have to worry about that, that I would bring up the herpes, so needless to say this was not brought up either. Iw as extra bothered by the fact that when I get yeast infections from him that he thinks they are from me and my hygeine and I don't know how to prove to him otherwise. I feel more and more miserable. It is helping to re-read what you have all written since those are points I was not considering. I am feeling very sad and stayed home from work today. When we are together it feels like I am the only person in his life but you guys say that who knows if he is getting serious with someone else he is also seeing. the entire weekend we were together we did not have sex - it has been less and less frequent and now I am wondering if it is because he is either getting more seious with someone else or does he have an STD he's hiding? Or am i overreacting and need to get over these thoughts to be able to continue things as usual. but he is very loving and that is why I do not want to rock the boat, I would be unhappy without him. Maybe things will all work out over some more time and this is a bump in the road. It is very difficult to get over thoughts that cross my mind about him being wtih another girl. I'm disappointed in myself because in the past I was able to handle this and now I feel weak that it is bothering me so much like this.
SunflowerGirl Posted April 19, 2005 Posted April 19, 2005 I am feeling so awful today. My bf always calls or emails after the weekend we spend together, to at least ask how my drive back home was. Yesterday I didn't hear from him all day until I finally emailed him in the evening. Then he called and left a message 1:30 in the morning saying he would to tell me where he had been. I was already feeling bad but then I couldn't even go back to sleep. I haven't contacted him since and feel heart broken when his other activities are getting in the way of his priority with me. How should I proceed on this as far as letting him know I am upset? Is it me getting more possessive or if he is respecting me less and feels less accountable towards me? How should I change this situation so he knows how awful I feel when he doesn't call the whole day? At a time I am starting to feel jealous and insecure about the open relationship, he is starting to call less on top of it and that is not helping things out. Before he would call a lot so I would feel secure that I was number one, but after what happened yesterday I feel like my world has turned upside down and I have no control anymore.
GirlDown Posted April 19, 2005 Posted April 19, 2005 Originally posted by SunflowerGirl and I have no control anymore. you are in control, you're just afraid to take control of this situation. you are strong enough and you know it, but it's easier to avoid the conflict. stop doing that!! i don't think he's getting more possessive, i think he islearning that he has so much freedom already that he is taking even more advantage of you. stop him now, or leave him. he will not find another girl who will put up with his crap anytime soon, and maybe the single life is what's best for this kind of guy anyway. there is obviously a reason he wants to be in a relationship-take it away from him, and let him do be free to stick his dirty d*ick into every sl*ut that walks his path. it shouldn't be your problem anymore. you are enabling him to do something to you that you don't agree with. have a little self-respect, and realize this guy is getting everything he wants, and you are getting nothing but a broken heart. good luck. keep us posted, girl.
HoldOn Posted April 19, 2005 Posted April 19, 2005 but he is very loving Please explain how he is loving. Is it me getting more possessive or if he is respecting me less and feels less accountable towards me? I would say that he never respected you and perhaps you are just realizing it now. A man who respects his woman would not need 2 days off a week, where he gets to do whatever he wants. The fact that YOU ARE AFRAID to talk to him about using condoms with other girls and gave you herpes (pleaes where else could you have gotten it?). Ouch! If you can't talk to him about these serious and VERY important issues, your relationship is not right. I understand that you feel you can't leave this man. That he is your whole life. I have also felt that way about a guy that treated me horribly. I felt he was my whole life. It took me years to leave him, when I finally did, my life finally started and I was free. Your life will be so much better, you'll be able to breathe.
SunflowerGirl Posted April 19, 2005 Posted April 19, 2005 It's hard to imagine he doesn't respect me when he has been with me this long. NOw taht really does not make sense. I feel very desperate and am now considering if I cheat on him maybe I will feel better, has anyone heard of such a thing that someone else's infidelity makes you want to do the same in order to feel better? The problem I am having is that his is not really infidelity - he told me about it and I accepted the terms. I want to feel ok about it again. Now it will be like i"m the cheater if I get with someone without telling him. This is too confusing. I don't want to continue feeling the way I am and you are right that he is my whole life. Maybe one day I will leave but realisticly I do not see that happening any time soon. And to the person who asked, no, he does not support me financially so that is not an issue. Please explain how he is loving HoldOn, he cooks meals for me, buys me gifts, does a lot of nice things for me. Again, i've been ok with everything all these years and have been very happy, but now he calls less and that makes me feel insecure since it is "open" and my mind wanders. It may be that he is up to the same exact things but now I am having a hard time with it, especially from the Herpes which I thought I could deal with but the thought you have placed that he may not be using condoms is the top of my list of what is making me feel this awful, like a can of worms. I've felt secure knowing that he is 100% honest, but if he could lie about something that big, it is so scary to think about and consider. I wasn't strong enough to do it last time I saw him but I know what I still need to do is bring these things up and I dono't know how. Thanks for the support and listening out there. I have nobody else to turn to.
blind_otter Posted April 19, 2005 Posted April 19, 2005 why do you feel you have no one to turn to? until you learn to love yourself and respect yourself enough to demand answers to your questions, to have established healthy boundaries and a relationship that has some kind of equity....you won't HAVE a healthy relationship. This definately isn't one. You deserve more. Can't you see that? Seeing these kinds of relationships makes me angry because I was walked all over in the past and thought very little of myself and I've learned through therapy to respect myself more so I get frustrated with other girls who are in the same boat. How many years have you allowed him to use you like this? Have you even bothered to get information about herpes or how you could contract it? I asked myself the same questions when 2 - 2 (!!) different boyfriends that I had had cheated on me and gave me chlamydia. At least I was able to clear my infections up with antibiotics, but I looked for so many reasons why I had it. Not the obvious one. I hope things get better for you. Have you considered that you might have low self-esteem issues? Have you seen anyone about this?
HoldOn Posted April 19, 2005 Posted April 19, 2005 It's hard to imagine he doesn't respect me when he has been with me this long. NOw taht really does not make sense. When you respect a person, you don't sleep around on them and give them herpes. The reason he stays with you is because you let him do whatever he wants! It is not because he respects you! Why would he leave. You give him everything and expect nothing. This is not respect. he cooks meals for me, buys me gifts, does a lot of nice things for me. Your mother will do that! Boyfriends have a different standard. Nice things include: Not giving you herpes. Nice things include: being able to call him every day of the week. Being able to talk to him about using condoms with other girls and giving you herpes. My BF is loves me because he is ONLY with me. I can ALWAYS talk to him about anything. I can fully trust him. It is normal to be upset about this half-open relationship. It's okay for you to feel this way. Do not think you are weak. He is the weak one! I wasn't strong enough to do it last time I saw him but I know what I still need to do is bring these things up and I dono't know how. Good for you. Please think about your ideal relp and then compare it to this one. You deserve better.
nzchick Posted April 19, 2005 Posted April 19, 2005 I'd never ask for an open relationship or enter one..it's just too risky and I dont want to put my feelings on the line.. If it's a fling.. sure. But if its a relationship and I dont know what he's doing on some days and I have the gut feeling he's doing intimate stuffs with other people.. uhm buhbye mister!
nzchick Posted April 19, 2005 Posted April 19, 2005 Originally posted by SunflowerGirl It's hard to imagine he doesn't respect me when he has been with me this long. NOw taht really does not make sense. What doesnt make sense to me is how come you're still with him when he keeps hurting you everytime he does those things.. and he knows he's hurting you And he keeps doing it! I feel very desperate and am now considering if I cheat on him maybe I will feel better, has anyone heard of such a thing that someone else's infidelity makes you want to do the same in order to feel better? Now dont stoop down to his level. Leave him if you're unhappy... but dont cheat on him and expect him to be jealous as well as much as you are. If you cant fulfill ur emotional need from someone you're with anymore.. then that relationship isnt doing its purpose. The problem I am having is that his is not really infidelity - he told me about it and I accepted the terms. I want to feel ok about it again. Now it will be like i"m the cheater if I get with someone without telling him. This is too confusing. It's obvious that your relationship is now in a new level. Tell him that the terms are starting to change. At first you were alright with the open relship thing coz u didnt know ul get this serious. if he doesnt want that then fine.. its gona be hard for you but thats the best choice. I don't want to continue feeling the way I am and you are right that he is my whole life. Maybe one day I will leave but realisticly I do not see that happening any time soon. Leave as soon as you can... dont let yourself get hurt some more. HoldOn, he cooks meals for me, buys me gifts, does a lot of nice things for me. Again, i've been ok with everything all these years and have been very happy, but now he calls less and that makes me feel insecure since it is "open" and my mind wanders. My friends do that for me too.. as a thank you for me being there. I think he's just using u for company... that happened to me before with my ex.. It may be that he is up to the same exact things but now I am having a hard time with it, especially from the Herpes which I thought I could deal with but the thought you have placed that he may not be using condoms is the top of my list of what is making me feel this awful, like a can of worms. I've felt secure knowing that he is 100% honest, but if he could lie about something that big, it is so scary to think about and consider. GIRL WAKE UP!!!! He gave you herpes??!?!?! LEAVE. Omg.. do I need to say more?? I wasn't strong enough to do it last time I saw him but I know what I still need to do is bring these things up and I dono't know how. Thanks for the support and listening out there. I have nobody else to turn to. Hey you know being in the situation is a lot different from just listening to it. So we'll always be here to help you aye. Just keep us posted.. and girl.. you deserve much better. no one deserves this except h**s.. even them deserve someone who'd respect them somehow..
BigB Posted April 20, 2005 Posted April 20, 2005 Originally posted by SunflowerGirl I would be unhappy without him. Your not happy with him either.
SunflowerGirl Posted July 29, 2005 Posted July 29, 2005 I don't know if anyone who posted on this thread will be here to read this as so much time has passed, but I wanted to come back to give an update. A couple of weeks after I initially posted the thread, I ended the relationship. Maybe if I had girlfriends they would've pointed out the things you did, which was shocking and now as I reread the posts, I am seeing things in a different light and feel so much anger at having wasted so much of my life on him. I am upset that he has not tried to contact me at all! After five years, it's like I never existed? I have turned very bitter and have not gone out since and can't imagine ever trusting or loving another man again, but I know that in the future I might feel differently. Only not now. I want to thank all of you for listening and posting your responses which stuck like glue and opened my eyes and has changed my life the most ever that I have experienced. It took one email for me to hint that I wanted things to end, kind of like a cry for help and attention since I was a coward to bring up the issues bothering me and just like that, he didn't respond, call - nothing. I am so devestated and hate how my life has turned out. Why would this happen to me? Obviously I allowed it to, being a weak character of a person, but why me? It's scary because I feel like my heart has turned to stone. How pathetic that I didn't speak my mind and never got to tell him the things that were bothering me. What a lesson to take 5 years to learn. Of all places and things and people, this thread changed my life. so thanks if anybody reads this.
sunsets Posted July 29, 2005 Posted July 29, 2005 I have just read through your entire post and I had to say I applaud you on finding the courage to end this relationship and move on. You clearly found an inner strength and your eyes opened to the fact you were not getting all you deserved from your ex. It may feel now like it took five years out of your life, but sometimes we need these things to happen as a valuable lesson to learn from, to realise you deserve better. Now is the time to use this experience and learn from it. Build up your self esteem, discover who you really are, what you like, what you want from life, what makes you happy. Establish new friendships and re-establish old ones, pursue your interests, wake up each day and remind yourself how well you have done to move on into this new life, away from someone who did not deserve you. It was a brave move and the first step to a new improved life and one day, onto the path that will lead you to the person you really deserve, who is out there. At this stage you are still working through all the emotions that come with a break up, the anger, the sadness, the fears and the letting go process...it is all normal and eventually it will get easier. Through working on yourself, you will gain the self esteem needed to be very happy once again. It is a process and one, I know from experience, that is not always easy, but is possible. You have already proven you have courage and strength, so you will get through all of this and come out on top.
SunflowerGirl Posted July 29, 2005 Posted July 29, 2005 Thank you for the feedback sunsets and your support. I like your advice to find hobbies and friends to make me happy. My entire life was revolved around him and I depended on him to make me happy so I have been feeling empty like the rug was pulled from under me, but I like the idea to form my own life with things to make me happy. thank you again.
loony Posted July 29, 2005 Posted July 29, 2005 It's great that you got rid of this idiot, that was very brave. Maybe you want to start a new thread as this one is really long and difficult to read.
HoldOn Posted August 5, 2005 Posted August 5, 2005 Congratulations, SunFlowerGirl. Now, be happy because all your choices are your own! Find your own voice and have fun doing it. That other poster was right --- don't look at it as 5 years lost. Look at it as a valuable lesson learned. Next time you'll make your own decisions and be able to speak your mind. Good luck! try to enjoy your alone time because now you won't have sleepless nights wondering what your bf is doing.
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