SunflowerGirl Posted April 13, 2005 Posted April 13, 2005 I am in an open relationship with my boyfriend but sometimes Iget jealous and upset not knowing who he has been wtih. I know he loves me and we spend 5 nights/week together but on those other 2 nights it's "don't ask/don't tell" thing where he is free to do as he pleases. If he doesn't call me on one of those nights we're apart, I can't get any sleep wondering if he is with another girl. We've been together five years, I've been ok with it up until recently I can't help it and I can't bring it up otherwise he will terminate our relationship. He said this early on in our relationship. Has anyone else been in this type of a relationship and how do you cope? I don't want to leave him so that's not an option. I'd like to know how I can get my mind off when we're not together and focus only on us. Thanks in advance for any information you might share with me.
snuggles Posted April 14, 2005 Posted April 14, 2005 he kinda sounds like my bf - my guy always threatens me by sayin "if you bring up this topic again we are finished" etc... i think its jst that he doesnt wana discuss it cos he knows he's wrong... We dont do what u and ur guy do .. however it is health to have time apart.. but not in a definite, permanent way. Ur guy sounds like he's up to sumfin suss. Id b investigating my gutt feelin if i were u. I know u must b scared that you'll lose ur guy if u do and also scared at the thought of wot u'd do if u caught him out cheating etc... but for me id rather know that not know and evryone has the right to have an honest open trustworthy r/ship. Read my post on DATING "my bf constantly lies to me!!!" if u want.
GirlDown Posted April 14, 2005 Posted April 14, 2005 if it's an open relationship, then you should be doing whatever you want on those two nights a week, also..... right.....? if you don't do that because you only want to be with this one person, then maybe an open relationship isn't for you. your boyfriend saying "don't bring up this topic, i will break up with you" is selfish and immature. if he feels that way, he doesn't respect your opinion. you have a relationship with this person, so anything is up for discussion. if you talk about it and still he wouldn't change his mind, fine, then you can decide what you want to do with him...or without him. but telling you that you can't even talk about something that concerns you is ridiculous.
GirlDown Posted April 14, 2005 Posted April 14, 2005 Originally posted by *snuggles* he kinda sounds like my bf - my guy always threatens me by sayin "if you bring up this topic again we are finished" etc... i think its jst that he doesnt wana discuss it cos he knows he's wrong... We dont do what u and ur guy do .. however it is health to have time apart.. but not in a definite, permanent way. Ur guy sounds like he's up to sumfin suss. Id b investigating my gutt feelin if i were u. I know u must b scared that you'll lose ur guy if u do and also scared at the thought of wot u'd do if u caught him out cheating etc... but for me id rather know that not know and evryone has the right to have an honest open trustworthy r/ship. Read my post on DATING "my bf constantly lies to me!!!" if u want. snuggles, she and her boyfriend are in an open relationship, meaning it's okay to sleep with other people while in the relationship. he wouldn't be cheating, because it's not cheating when the other person knows and says it's okay. the problem is that only one of them is "openly" accepting the terms. one is giving, the other is taking. it doesn't work that way. snuggles, your boyfriend is just a liar. you know what he's up to. in both cases, when someone says "i won't discuss this, and if you bring it up again, i'm breaking up with you" it usually means some kind of guilt, something to hide, and definitely indicates selfishness. not sure why either of you are putting up with this crap. how frustrating.
Mz. Pixie Posted April 14, 2005 Posted April 14, 2005 Exactly. After five years if he doesn't want to be exclusive with you then you need some counseling if you stay with him. Especially if you want to be exclusive and he doesn't. Sounds like a future cakeman to me. If you're unsure what that is, it's a married man who has another woman or women on the side. You need to decide if you want to sit there and take the crumbs that he offers or find someone you can have a full meal with. After five years I'm pretty certain he's not going to wake up one day and say, "Gee, you're the one I want- the only one" Not to mention what he could be exposing you to- condoms or no condoms!
RecordProducer Posted April 14, 2005 Posted April 14, 2005 I agree with GirlDown. You want to be exclusive and he doesn't - it's a big deal. I could never do it. I wouldn't even be with a person who is not monogamous. You're settling for less. It's not just that you're in love with him; we fall in love with what we think is good enough for us. There are certain features because of which you wouldn't even consider dating someone. For example, when I meet a cute guy who is uneducated, unemployed, with bad manners or someone who flirts with every girl and drinks a lot, I don't even consider him as a candidate for dating (when I was single). One of the musts is loyalty. If I would smell that a guy may be a cheater and liar, I would dump him right away. You have a cheater that's hiding behind the open relationship. You're 5 years together, not 5 weeks. I don't see how you can be in love with someone who sleeps around. After all, there are STDs, AIDS, hepatitis, and other diseases. If you marry him (which I truly doubt), you will be pregnant and he will be transmitting diseases to you and your baby. All those diseases can be harmless for you but fatal for the fetus or a baby can be born blind or with a brain damage. Read about it if you don't believe me. You risk your life and health for unhealthy love. How can you love a promiscuous guy? I would die if I found out that my BF was unfaithful to me even once. Would you be with a cheater the whole your life? (cheating is sleeping with other people even if you know about it, in my opinion) You are already bothered by it. You want the anxiety to go away in some magical way, but it never will. Even if you ask him to be exclusive with you, he will refuse it or he will simply lie to you and hide it more or less successfully. He already told you he doesn't want to discuss it. It seems to me that he is having fun and you're suffering in this relationship, only because you don't want to lose him. What's to lose?!
GirlDown Posted April 14, 2005 Posted April 14, 2005 Originally posted by RecordProducer I agree with GirlDown. You want to be exclusive and he doesn't Would you be with a cheater the whole your life? (cheating is sleeping with other people even if you know about it, in my opinion) this is what makes him a techinical cheater. she knew from the start and said it's okay, but changed her mind and isn't "permitted" to discuss it. it bothers her, it has now turned to cheating. however, there are relationships that people sleep with other people, and both are fine with it. it's weird to me, and i would never do it. but to them, it's not cheating, because there's no sneaking aroung, no fooling anyone else to secretively get your way. this "open" relationship has only one side. which means on the other side, it's closed. that does not work i wonder how he would feel is she was out screwing other people too? has this ever happened, sunflower? if so, what happened? if it hasn't happened, what would your boyfriend do or how would he feel?
blue_eyes18 Posted April 14, 2005 Posted April 14, 2005 NOw I've done some stupid ****, but I've NEVER let someone knowingly cheat on me and stay with them. As a matter of fact, I don't think I have ever heard of anyone else doing that either. You deserve someone better, and you will have them if you dump that idiot a**h***! I hope you figure out why you are putting up with someone who is cheating on you, sleeping with other girls. If he really cared about you, he wouldn't do that! Good luck!
GirlDown Posted April 14, 2005 Posted April 14, 2005 Originally posted by blue_eyes18 NOw I've done some stupid ****, but I've NEVER let someone knowingly cheat on me and stay with them. As a matter of fact, I don't think I have ever heard of anyone else doing that either. You deserve someone better, and you will have them if you dump that idiot a**h***! I hope you figure out why you are putting up with someone who is cheating on you, sleeping with other girls. If he really cared about you, he wouldn't do that! Good luck! but it wasn't him knowingly "cheating" on her. it's not like he did it, she found out, forgave it, and ignored it, and pretended it wasn't happening. it was an agreement they have had for five years. that's their decision. the problem is that she is now uncomfortable with the past agreement, but is intimidated into staying with it because she wants to be with him. he "won't let her" bring it up. i think it's ridiculous to stay with him for this reason, but we've all stayed in relationships for one reason or another, regardless of whether someone else agreed or understood. i hope she sees soon that this is not going to work out. this man is selfish and isn't deserving of her affection.
blue_eyes18 Posted April 14, 2005 Posted April 14, 2005 Exactly, although this is their decision, he really isn't deserving of her affection, like you said. I wish her the best of luck!
SunflowerGirl Posted April 14, 2005 Posted April 14, 2005 Thanks for all of your posts and opinions. Additional information - he does not allow me to be with anyone else and always asks to make sure that the only person I get together with is him. Sometimes I wonder if it would make me feel better if I too slept with someone else that way I wouldn't have anger towards him, being guilty myself, but he doesn't want me to and I don't want to lie or cheat since he is honest with me too. That sounds stupid, but I am desperate to feel better. In the past I wouldn't even think about this whole thing, but lately it does not leave my mind. He has been less intimate with me and I wonder if he is seeing someone else more? I can't handle this right now. I've made him promise that he must use a condom with other girls and he swears that I am the only person he does not use one with, that he uses condoms with the others. BUT in January I got herpes! I made excuses not to have sex with him during the outbreak and felt devestated but I do not know how to bring it up to him. I can't enjoy myself anymore because I fear if he has anything else I might contract and don't know how to go about all of a sudden asking him to use a condom with me. What if he thinks that I am fooling around on him if I suddenly want us to use condoms or if he gets upset that I don't trust him? I can't bring any of this up because it has been a couple of years since we have discussed absolutely anything that has to do with him seeing other girls, it is an unspoken thing which is why it has been bothering me more and more lately. So strange what people put up with when they love somebody. I don't know what to do. Again, I don't want to break up so that is not an option. I know for someone else it might be a simple and obvious solution, but I really love him a lot. I don't know how to bring up these things because I know it will upset him but I feel like I'm losing my sanity (and health). Please can you guys give me some more feedback? I really need some help and don't know where else to turn to. Thank you.
morrigan Posted April 14, 2005 Posted April 14, 2005 Sunflowergirl, it's only an open relationship if you both are free to see other people, and be honest with eachother about your other romantic/sexual experiences. What you have with your bf is "be OK with whatever I do or else I'll dump you,". You want a full commitment from him, that's not what he wants at all. There's no future with this kind of guy, unless you keep silent about your feelings and let him do whatever he wishes. He won't change his ideas for you or any other woman.
Mz. Pixie Posted April 14, 2005 Posted April 14, 2005 He gave you herpes and you didn't want to tell him??????
blue_eyes18 Posted April 14, 2005 Posted April 14, 2005 You might love him or whatever, BUT do you really want to put up with someone who doesn't want the same thing as you? It is not fair to you for him to sleep around with other girls when you are wanting him to be faithful to you. If he doesn't respect that, he really doesn't give a **** about you! Think about it. Are you respecting yourself to let someone do you how he is doing you? Don't you realize there are so many other guys out there who would actually realize it's wrong to sleep with other people while in a relationship, and who wouldn't dump you if you didn't like the fact that they were ****ing something else? YOU DESERVE BETTER!!!! It doesn't matter if ya'll have already agreed on this open relationship. Now you want him to be faithful to you, and if he doesn't like it, he is ****ty. Just a thought. . .
morrigan Posted April 14, 2005 Posted April 14, 2005 Originally posted by SunflowerGirl I don't know what to do. Again, I don't want to break up so that is not an option. I know for someone else it might be a simple and obvious solution, but I really love him a lot. Your only (non-breakup) option seems to be is to put up and shut up, what you are currently doing. Demand he stop seeing other women/ start wearing condoms, and he'll threaten to break up with you. This guy has already put your physical health at risk, and he's not helping your emotional health either. If you stay with him, expect further lies, STDs, double standards, and when he's bored with you, he'll break up with you. You can't control his BS at all. You deserve better than this. This isn't suffering for love, it's a lot of suffering without any real love. You sound entirely too dependent on him--you won't find any long term happiness with this man.
SunflowerGirl Posted April 14, 2005 Posted April 14, 2005 It is hurtful to read the responses, I guess I don't want to realize that he may one day leave me, or that I am suffering in vain. I hope things will get better or maybe I am going through a period of weakness that I need to get over. I keep thinking his positive qualities outweigh the negative things that are bothering me. Nobody else is as patient or loving with me, he understands me like nobody else ever has. We also have so many similar interests and like being together and spend a lot of time together which is why I don't want to end things. I need to learn more about coping methods, how to not get bothered with the open relationship like it used to not in the beginning. Somehow I would block it out and would never think about it but now it is more on my mind. I guess I just want to go back to how i used to be able to handle it and be strong again. I also take it as a compliment that he doesn't want me to be with anyone else because it shows he loves me too much to share me with anyone else and to me that is ok. I wouldn't want to be with anyone else anyways because my heart is with him. Maybe one day he will decide to be faithful to me exclusively too.
blue_eyes18 Posted April 14, 2005 Posted April 14, 2005 If I were you sweetheart, I would forget the guy who doesn't seem to love you at all. Either way, you're gonna realize that what we're saying is true, it's just either you'll learn the hard way, or you can make is easier on yourself and learn from someone else's mistakes. I hope you listen to what they are telling you on here. Good luck!
snuggles Posted April 14, 2005 Posted April 14, 2005 Originally posted by GirlDown snuggles, your boyfriend is just a liar. you know what he's up to. You make it sound as if he's cheating on me (physically).. is that wot u mean? I kno wot he's been doin in regards to the lying with porn/past etc... but i still trust that he wouldnt cheat. He's been cheated on himself a couple of times in his past, and it hurt him real bad, so i doubt that he would do the same to me as some sorta "payback" to feel better
GirlDown Posted April 14, 2005 Posted April 14, 2005 Originally posted by SunflowerGirl Sometimes I wonder if it would make me feel better if I too slept with someone else that way I wouldn't have anger towards him, being guilty myself, but he doesn't want me to and I don't want to lie or cheat since he is honest with me too. I don't know what to do. Again, I don't want to break up so that is not an option. you will not erase anger by doing that. you will only add guilt to anger, and it will not get better. if breaking up with him is not an option for you, the only option you have is to deal with it. which yes, is stupid. if he's not using condoms with you, he's not using them with other girls either. but you know this already, because he gave you a disease.
snuggles Posted April 14, 2005 Posted April 14, 2005 Originally posted by GirlDown if he's not using condoms with you, he's not using them with other girls either. but you know this already, because he gave you a disease. there is nuffin to prove that he is cheatin on me and sleeping around.. And i know i dont have any diseases !! cos i got checked up...
GirlDown Posted April 14, 2005 Posted April 14, 2005 Originally posted by *snuggles* there is nuffin to prove that he is cheatin on me and sleeping around.. And i know i dont have any diseases !! cos i got checked up... this is not your thread, and so i was not talking to you. i was talking to sunflower girl. your boyfriend is a piece of sh*it too, but in a different way. that was all i was saying before. please keep your issues in your own thread.
SunflowerGirl Posted April 14, 2005 Posted April 14, 2005 Is it possible maybe I already had the herpes virus but it was dormant for a long time and he didn't really give it to me? That is what I have been telling myself to help me deal with it. Could herpes be dormant for some years?
SunflowerGirl Posted April 14, 2005 Posted April 14, 2005 And thanks for all of your feedback GirlDown. My stomach feels like it fell to the floor when I read what you wrote, that "if he's not using condoms with you, he's not using them with other girls either. but you know this already, because he gave you a disease." I seriously do not know this. I 100% have been believing that he uses condoms with the other girls, maybe the herpes was dormant and I've had it for a long time and it popped up only recently, or maybe he got it because even a condom can't protect 100% or maybe he already had it and it too was dormant or ? I am in so much shock at the thought that he may not be using condoms with the others that I can't think straight right now. I can't believe this. I hope I am wrong. I have to get the courage to bring this up to him. I don't know how to do it without coming across as nosy and jealous and upsetting him. Lately I have been getting these strange yeast infections too that are different than the usual kind, but I thought maybe it is because I have a lot of stress. I don't know what is going on with us or if it is me overreacting and feeling jealous and insecure when everything is the same. All of this is too difficult to handle. I wish all of these problems would disappear. I can't take this on and feel overwhelmed. I can't believe the thought that he might not be using condoms. I just can't. I can't believe this. I know he loves me, how could he do this? Am I overreacting about everything? I hope so.
snuggles Posted April 14, 2005 Posted April 14, 2005 sorry SunflowerGirl !!! thought she was using one of ur quotes to say sumfin to me... wasnt stealing ur thunder or anything....
GirlDown Posted April 15, 2005 Posted April 15, 2005 Originally posted by SunflowerGirl And thanks for all of your feedback GirlDown. My stomach feels like it fell to the floor when I read what you wrote, that "if he's not using condoms with you, he's not using them with other girls either. but you know this already, because he gave you a disease." I seriously do not know this. I 100% have been believing that he uses condoms with the other girls, maybe the herpes was dormant and I've had it for a long time and it popped up only recently, or maybe he got it because even a condom can't protect 100% or maybe he already had it and it too was dormant or ? I am in so much shock at the thought that he may not be using condoms with the others that I can't think straight right now. I can't believe this. I hope I am wrong. I have to get the courage to bring this up to him. I don't know how to do it without coming across as nosy and jealous and upsetting him. Lately I have been getting these strange yeast infections too that are different than the usual kind, but I thought maybe it is because I have a lot of stress. I don't know what is going on with us or if it is me overreacting and feeling jealous and insecure when everything is the same. All of this is too difficult to handle. I wish all of these problems would disappear. I can't take this on and feel overwhelmed. I can't believe the thought that he might not be using condoms. I just can't. I can't believe this. I know he loves me, how could he do this? Am I overreacting about everything? I hope so. you are not overreacting one bit. he is causing health problems for you, and this is your life. even if you came across as nosy and jealous to him, so what? you have every right to be both of those things. if you are reconsidering this arrangement, and not telling him just to keep him, he is going to keep doing what he's doing, and you are going to stay unhappy. i think you have more worth than that, and you do deserve better. you know that too. and it is hard to think someone really loves you and that you love them, and then just separate from that person. but this isn't working for you, and it's unfair to you. get to a doctor quickly. you never know who your boyfriend is with, or how many. even if he skipped a condom with just one, that could mean big problems for you. you already have had an std...i think given your situation, it is unlikely that it was dormant and just happened to come out while you have a boyfriend who sleeps around with who knows what. you might even have two std's, according to your symptoms. GET TO A DOCTOR! so you already know that condoms aren't 100% effective against std's...what do you do when he comes to you and tells you one broke (assuming he's even using them, which i doubt) and that he got another girl pregnant? what will you do then? i think this arrangement sucks, and you don't agree with it anymore. get out while you're still alive. you're smarter than this, and you're better than this.
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