Author lookingforanswers12 Posted April 4, 2015 Author Posted April 4, 2015 This is such an extreme! Was it your decision to move out or hers? Or mutual? Your wife has some severe insecurity issues and she has to deal with them and do counseling, otherwise she's gonna be this way forever, maybe with you (if you two get back together) or with her next partner. Or maybe this is for the best - breaking up? Where is your head and heart in all this? It was my idea to move out. It feels like if i go right i'm wrong, if i go left i'm wrong. I feel like I cant do anything right. We discussed and she agreed she has a bunch of insecurity issues...btu it somehow always becomes about how her insecurities are also because of me and how I am the eventual cause and everything in her behavior is just a reaction.
Author lookingforanswers12 Posted April 4, 2015 Author Posted April 4, 2015 Or maybe this is for the best - breaking up? Where is your head and heart in all this? My head says stick it out my heart says life is too short
road Posted April 4, 2015 Posted April 4, 2015 So I took the advice from this thread and told my wife I am willing to give up whatever shreds of freedom (or whatever night outs with buddies) that are left so that she can gain comfort that indeed I am a man who she can depend on once we have a family. This was said in much more sophisticated words. I also asked her how long she thinks I need to behave this way for her to really trust I can be like this, 6 months, 1 year? This was met with a surprising reaction that she said I am only doing it so that I can get a kid out of her. I told her that it is a logical extension of a 9 year relationship and 4 year marriage, there is nothing wrong with my expectation. Many very ugly fights have since followed. I am moving out tomorrow morning. Life is strange. 9 years down the drain, just like that. I really feel like I'm ready to settle down and wanted to make it work, but the fight really destroyed everything. I just dont know what the hell I was supposed to do. I was willing to give up the night outs (and yes it did mean a lot to me) but it was perceived by her in the worst manner possible. Yes because you did not man up an make a permanent change in your life. Yes you most likely are better off because you want to live the single life style. Oh, by the way you did not follow the advice of this thread. No one here said to just act grown up until you got her pregnant. 1
Author lookingforanswers12 Posted April 4, 2015 Author Posted April 4, 2015 No one here said to just act grown up until you got her pregnant. You do realize I do not intend to "act" till the time of getting her pregnant. The idea is to "act" that way into perpetuity and be a sensible family man. I do not live in a village that this is a simple life choice to make Jeez NO ONE i know does not go out just because they're married. Maybe someone might be an introvert, but NO ONE proves commitment by becoming less outgoing. But I was fine with it as I could see the logic from my wife's perspective. Anyways. no point harping on about it. 1
Vercetti Posted April 5, 2015 Posted April 5, 2015 Wait a sec. So wife wanted you home more, wanted kid/s. Then when you tried to comply / compermise best you could...Then she 180s and major fights. Did not see that one coming at all. Sorry if I gave bad advice in retrospect, no perfect information I suppose. Just wow, really, you try and be " better " for her and BOOM.
beach Posted April 5, 2015 Posted April 5, 2015 Do you do drugs when you go out with these friends? 1
Arieswoman Posted April 5, 2015 Posted April 5, 2015 (edited) OP, the answer is in post #36 when you said I also asked her how long she thinks I need to behave this way for her to really trust I can be like this, 6 months, 1 year? So you as good as told her that the change in your "single" antics was a short-term measure to humour her? And you are surprised that she's gone ballistic? (And BTW you contradicted this in post #54.) I think this maybe for the best, as it appears that your lifestyles and aims in life aren't compatible. Your wife was very wise not to have a child with you, and it makes me wonder if this issue is only one example of your intractability? Edited April 5, 2015 by Arieswoman
readynow Posted April 5, 2015 Posted April 5, 2015 This is ridiculous! I would never advise that you pack all your nights out in. Marriage is NOT a prison! If it were the woman who came here complaining that her husband doesn't let her go out, we'd all scream 'abuse!' You went to try to let her have her way and it's not greeted with hugs and kisses but with fights? She either doesn't want kids with you or she has some serious insecurity issues. It's her that needs to repair herself. Why did you need to move out? It's your house too and you're married! Move straight back in and carry on as normal. What more does she want? 1
ExpatInItaly Posted April 5, 2015 Posted April 5, 2015 Can you explain how you worded it to your wife, exactly? It might have come across as quite passive-aggressive which could have been totally misinterpreted. Hard to say. However, I think moving out was an extreme reaction on your part. If she felt abandoned before, it's all over now. I personally don't see much wrong with your nights out once in a while (and I'm a woman too) but I think there were underlying problems here. Have there been trust issues in the past? Does she generally suffer from insecurity? It seems these nights out triggered something in her.
Woggle Posted April 5, 2015 Posted April 5, 2015 Be glad she showed her true colors and her latest reaction shows nothing you do will make her happy. A night out with the guys every once in a while is not a big deal and you have the right to do it. She is not your mother and she doesn't own you. Marriage should not have to mean giving up your freedom. Ironically she probably would have respected you more if you didn't cave. 1
elaine567 Posted April 5, 2015 Posted April 5, 2015 I guess this has nothing whatsoever to do with the nights out per se. There may be deeper issues here surrounding the long term future of this relationship and it taking the next step ie having kids on both sides. BUT I also think the nights out u-turn may have come across as passive aggressive and not seen as a genuine attempt to smooth the transition into family man. It may have come across as "Everyone else goes out and has a good time, no-one else expects their man at home, but if YOU want me at home then I will stay at home. You win, my darling." Smiling broadly, but underneath the obvious, snarl, snarl, snarl. Sulk sulk sulk.
beatcuff Posted April 5, 2015 Posted April 5, 2015 OP, i am with you. the board was tilting towards "grow up". you told your wife you will, then asked how long (BTW this is the actions speak louder than words) and she is anything but accepting. usually i am in the MC camp and while 9 years is a long time you should have many more ahead of you; time to move on.
autumnnight Posted April 5, 2015 Posted April 5, 2015 This is not about living the single lifestyle (and where the holy heck did DRUGS even come up from?????) This is about a man who obviously loves his wife spending time with male friends once every 3 weeks. This weirdo codependent enmeshed view of marriage some people have is just crazy.
beach Posted April 5, 2015 Posted April 5, 2015 Do you do drugs when you go out with these friends? It is a question... One that deserves an answer - mainly because he prefers, on the nights he goes out, to stay up late and still go to work. It may not be specifically that she doesn't like him going out. It may be that he stays out too late. It may be what he does when he's out late...
elaine567 Posted April 5, 2015 Posted April 5, 2015 This is not about living the single lifestyle (and where the holy heck did DRUGS even come up from?????) This is about a man who obviously loves his wife spending time with male friends once every 3 weeks. This weirdo codependent enmeshed view of marriage some people have is just crazy. I think some posters are just trying to elucidate why the OPs wife should have such a strong reaction to him going out with friends 3 times a month. Is it as innocuous as it sounds, in other words? It sounds fairly benign, but is it in reality? Is she codependent or more scared than anything else? Is she merely trying to reduce the stress he causes in her life by these nights out? Are there other women, drugs, even crime and violence involved here? Does he come home happy, drunk and sleepy, or aggressive, strung out and abusive? And whilst I agree, if this is just some lads having a few beers and staggering home peacefully, she is most likely being a bit crazy, but unless we ask questions, we may never find out the real situation.
Curdie Posted April 5, 2015 Posted April 5, 2015 (edited) Wow. Just, wow. Op if the general consensus was that in you need to grow up, how did that translate into approaching the situation like a surly teenager would? You seem to lack any kind of insight into your wife's needs and concerns. You are so caught up in right fighting that you can't see the forest for the trees. And when your wife blows up because you're not putting any thought into it your solution is to take your ball and go home? Did you ever bother to ask her why she felt this way? I can think of a few possible reasons right off the bat. Maybe she was worried about how to teach possible offspring about temperance and prudence when daddy comes home hammered or hung over once a month. Maybe she was afraid that you are meeting women while out at one in the morning. Maybe she's afraid she would be shouldering more of the adult responsibilities in the family than you would. Maybe she just doesn't want to take care of a baby and a hung over husband at the same time! But rather than acting like an adult and having an adult conversation with her, you approach her like a teenager who just had his driving privileges taken away. Or worse yet, like a superior who is magnanimously throwing your underling a bone for six to twelve months. It takes a special kind of dysfunctional to hit both those tones at the same time. The problem was clearly more than just your monthly binge drinking/party night. Why did you passive aggressively dismiss her concerns? (Pp was right. You definitely came off as "Well nobody else has a problem with it, but I'll go along with you. How long will you make me live like some sort of prisoner?") That pathetic response was definitely not designed to build up your wife's confidence in you and your marriage, but to cut her down. Serious question here: Do you view your wife as an equal? Or do you think of her as a mother figure or as a child? Have you treated her as a true partner? Obviously you don't have to answer on here, but i highly suggest you think about the dynamics of your marriage. It would do you good even if you decide to divorce. Edited April 5, 2015 by Curdie
autumnnight Posted April 5, 2015 Posted April 5, 2015 I gotta say, the assumptions and speculations implying that this man is cheating and getting high with ZERO evidence is truly sad. Not surprising, but sad.
beach Posted April 5, 2015 Posted April 5, 2015 I gotta say, the assumptions and speculations implying that this man is cheating and getting high with ZERO evidence is truly sad. Not surprising, but sad. Stop jumping to answer for him - people are asking questions. The answers determine what he is doing...
anna121 Posted April 5, 2015 Posted April 5, 2015 The OP doesn't come across very well - especially in light of the most recent update - but I find the general trend towards supporting a spouse's right to dictate one's occasional social activities, and impose a personal judgement on one's ability to juggle stuff, very alarming. Truth to tell, I am now at an age where I get tired at 11 pm on a "school night" and yes, it's rare for me to be out. But it doesn't mean it never happens. I would never remain in a relationship where I had to battle my partner about my right to go out whenever I pleased. If it started to affect my ability to carry out my duties at home/work; or it represented a real drain on our time together, ok. But not just because "he doesn't like it". That reeks of a particular approach to marriage that one can find elsewhere on the net, that I find absolutely infantilizing.
Curdie Posted April 5, 2015 Posted April 5, 2015 I gotta say, the assumptions and speculations implying that this man is cheating and getting high with ZERO evidence is truly sad. Not surprising, but sad. Well considering what most bars and clubs are like past eleven it seems like a pretty rational conclusion to me. I have never seen someone go out drinking or clubbing without their partner without it ending in inappropriate interactions with the opposite sex. You'd have to be incredibly naive to believe that no flirting is going on. That's why those places exist! If the allure was just music and booze it would be more cost efficient to go to a buddy's house and get drunk there while listening to music. But to be fair I'm kind of biased. It's always been my opinion that only a child, and a emotionally damaged or confused child at that, asserts their "freedom" in what they know to be self destructive ways. Sure, I may be free as an adult to eat nothing but Twinkies and bonbons, but I don't because I know it's destructive. So, I eat in moderation. I may be free to go out and put myself and my marriage at risk by getting ridiculously drunk in strange places at one in the morning, but I know that puts my health and safety and my integrity at risk. So, I drink in moderation. Just my personal opinion on the binge drinking habit.
Author lookingforanswers12 Posted April 5, 2015 Author Posted April 5, 2015 Do you do drugs when you go out with these friends? No I dont. I also havent cheated on my wife in case anyone would like to know. I also dont go to clubs, as they are not conducive to conversation, which is the main point of these evenings out. The last evening out was with a old friend from college who I met after many years, and this is typical of my evening out...where friends sit together and talk nonsense about work, old friends, starting new businesses, women, potential big steps in life and other similar nonsensical topics. I also dont go to my "buddies" place to drink because the city I live in has thousands of pubs/bars and the culture is very much to drink/socialize outside than inside. I have decided to move out because of the nastiness of the fight, the name calling and verbal abuse that my wife presented me with as part of the fight. Not because I am throwing my toys out of the pram as some here have suggested. There is a line which I have to draw so that I can sleep at night with my dignity intact. I am not perfect by any stretch of the imagination, I do realize that. I get the direct implications of these guys night outs. I also am mature enough to understand when someone is trying to control/manipulate me to make me more like the person they could love, than actually love or care about me. I do not feel as if I am getting enough back out of this relationship and have to constantly "prove" my commitment. I previously gave up my career to move to where my life lives, be unemployed for the first time (thankfully this has all worked out well eventually but none of it was easy), but I am somehow apparently still not committed to the marriage. Due to the night outs. And in case those who missed this, I am repeating. I am 31, dont have children, dont even have a pregnant wife or expect to have one in the next 1 year. So once again am failing to appreciate the lifestyle being suggested as normal here. Maybe I am an outlier who just does not get it. Maybe it is cultural, its the city or something else I am not sure about.
Author lookingforanswers12 Posted April 5, 2015 Author Posted April 5, 2015 Can you explain how you worded it to your wife, exactly? It might have come across as quite passive-aggressive which could have been totally misinterpreted. Hard to say. I worded it to say, we have had a really good run for the last 9 months and these issues have pretty much gone away (this is because i have cut down going out to nearly nil, except the night i went out which caused me to post orignially). Then I said I get why she wants me to behave this way and that I will be happy to improve, but I want to know we're going to start a family once I convince her that this is indeed who I can be. I also dont sulk/do passive aggressive. It is very much out in the open and cut and dry.
Author lookingforanswers12 Posted April 5, 2015 Author Posted April 5, 2015 Serious question here: Do you view your wife as an equal? Or do you think of her as a mother figure or as a child? Have you treated her as a true partner? Obviously you don't have to answer on here, but i highly suggest you think about the dynamics of your marriage. It would do you good even if you decide to divorce. My wife earns as much as me, equally smart, we went to the same business school , she didnt even take my name! So it is very much a marriage of equals. I gave up my job to join her in a new country because she didnt want to live where i was, and I was doing well in that job. Thankfully things worked out in the new country as well. Her family are much closer to us generally than mine.
Author lookingforanswers12 Posted April 5, 2015 Author Posted April 5, 2015 I have never seen someone go out drinking or clubbing without their partner without it ending in inappropriate interactions with the opposite sex. wow
sandylee1 Posted April 5, 2015 Posted April 5, 2015 OP I don't think the frequency you go out is excessive. I don't think one cannot go out anymore once they are married and have kids either. I have kids and probably go out late (midnight) on average once every couple of months. Then I also go out say monthly, but not late. Probably back home about 10 pm. When I met my H, he used to go out once a week (Fridays I think ) with his friends. I don't recall this continuing as much when we got married. One big difference is that he doesn't drink that much though. He doesn't drink enough to get drunk. I personally can't stand people being drunk and loosing control of their behaviour. I think your wife is concerned that you'll continue this when you have kids and she'll be stuck in with the baby all the time. Going out for a drink with the guys is fine, but do you have to come home that late? I'm not sure what time you start the evening, but I think coming home earlier (say 1pm latest) would be more responsible. I'm not saying every married man is up to no good when out drinking, but the longer you're out and the more you drink, the chances of stuff happening increases. My friend is married with a toddler. She complains that her H goes out too much. Her mum said, well you knew that when you married him, so why did you think he'd stop. My friend assumed he would once the kids came along and it really does bug her now. It's about compromise. Once again, the frequency you go out would be fine with me. It's coming in drunk at the small hours that would get me. Discuss a reasonable compromise.
Recommended Posts