Found out my ex was cheating prior to BU and I think I've made a real mess of things

[azaleas]

Would really appreciate some advice on what to do / how to move forward.

 

I know this post is quite long and I apologize for that.

 

Anyway, for a really brief summary of everything BEFORE I made my discovery a few days ago: My boyfriend of 6 years dumped me shortly before Christmas, I was devastated etc etc, thought I would never find someone else like him, had hopes for reconciliation. We did 1 month of low contact in which he repeatedly denied there was anybody else. But then after that month passed I again asked him if he was dating anybody and he said okay yeah, I have started seeing someone else, but I still really want to be friends and will "always be there for you." He said he didn't start dating her until after breaking up with me and he DID NOT end things with me for her. I said okay, well, I hope you're happy but it's too hard for me to stay in contact knowing this, maybe we can be friends sometime in the future but not now. And then there was 2 months of silence on both our parts. All the while I had obsessive thoughts about him but I was keeping myself busy and doing... as okay as I could be doing, I guess. Also I had no clue about who his gf was or what she looked like.

 

Well a couple days ago I stumbled across his new gf's Instagram account (via the Instagram of a mutual friend). I was flooded with cheesy couple pictures of my ex and her. And then I discovered there were pictures of them together from a few MONTHS before he ended things with me. So there were some signs during our relationship I guess that he may have been cheating but I just didn't want to believe he would do that to me, so I ignored my gut reaction and believed him when he kept saying there was nobody else. Anyway I was really pissed off upon seeing this Instagram account. Also I was really surprised by what she looked like.... I was expecting some gorgeous girl but she was just really, really plain. I don't for the life of me understand what drew him to her. She seems to be one of those social media-obsessed girls who posts stupid quotes and pictures all the time, and my ex and I used to make fun of those types of people. Now he's dating one.

 

Well, I didn't want him thinking he got away with everything, so I broke two months of NC and texted him to call him out on everything (including a screenshot of one of the pictures as evidence). Called him an assho!e. And dissed his new gf's appearance -- said she was homely and I thought he had better standards. Yes, this was not my proudest moment, and I know it wasn't nice of me to bring her looks into this. I guess I couldn't stop myself.

 

He didn't reply, and so a few days later I (not being entirely sober) sent him one last text, calling him a coward for ignoring me and not being able to own up to what he did. I didn't expect him to reply but he did. Said he wasn't being a coward, there was just a lot to go over. And that there is "really not that much to be angry about, I promise." I don't know how he can make this claim knowing I saw all those pictures. He says his gf knows everything about us and that he thinks about me all the time. Says maybe I can come down sometime within the next few weeks to get the rest of my things and "talk." He avoided any attempts of mine to ask him why he lied or discuss his betrayal. Said maybe we can keep in contact about once a week or so because he wants to know how everything's going with me. He even acknowledged my comments about his gf's appearance -- said while he doesn't think she's ugly, it's "not as much of a physical attraction thing with her I guess."

 

I did not answer his requests about going to "talk" or staying in contact one way or the other. I know no good will come of doing either of those things. But since breaking NC, I've let him mess with my head again.

 

The most messed up thing is, I still care what he thinks of me. I'm STILL having trouble letting him go, despite knowing how much of a jerk he truly is. And I wonder if his new relationship is going to last. It shouldn't matter to me, but it does. Why? How can I move beyond this?

 

As much of a jerk as he is, my ex is still good-looking, funny, and I felt really comfortable around him and totally able to be myself (prior to all the crap that went down at the end). I'm worried I'll never find somebody else who has all the GOOD qualities he has. And I'm not at all interested in dating anybody else right now and haven't been since the break-up. Now I don't know if I'll ever be.

 

It doesn't seem fair that he is happy and going to all these fun places with her, while I'm miserable and reeling from this huge betrayal. It was so easy for him to move on -- he clearly did it well prior to the break up -- so why isn't it for me, even knowing what I know now?

 

I just want to be happy again. I'm sick of being miserable.

 

So if you read all this, thank you. If you have any advice about how to get past this or really just anything at all, I would appreciate it.

[Hyonlife]

For mine, while the most awful thing about your situation is your ex's lies and denials of an affair while still with you, a close second is my surprise at your willingness to mitigate his serious character flaws by saying he has several other good personal attributes.

I'm not attacking you or your judgment and forgive my tone if it comes across anything more than curious. I currently find myself questioning my sanity 4years into a relationship where I have been engaged for 3years, have a 2year old and another due in September all because I am discovering lies and half truths stemming from our initial courting. Considering the very basis for any relationship is trust, honesty and communication (all encompassing, I know), I'm of the opinion you can do much better than someone who can't treat you with respect.

I would love to know why you yourself feel like a 'victim' when someone like you, who places such high stock in being faithful is better off finding someone with the same moral values as you. Maybe your answers will help my situation as well because things started off as minor details and now I question so much of what I am told and how much I can give credence to.

[dreamingoftigers]

So he's obviously full of crap.

 

Maybe, just for fun, send off that quote of his where he mentions it's not exactly a physical attraction thing to his new gf.

 

That would even things out a bit I am sure.

[angel.eyes]

Sorry, I didn't wade through the lengthy OP. I gather your ex cheated, lied, and then dumped you? Stop worrying about: ways to make him suffer, why he isn't suffering, etc. That's only delaying your own recovery. He doesn't deserve another iota of your brain's energy. Focus instead on you--new hobbies, self-improvement, meditation to gently push away unwelcome thoughts, a particular goal that needs to be tackled. Delete all reminders of him.

 

He's an ex. That's all that matters at this point. The cheating, deceitful, lying bag of pond scum is finally out of your life. Stop obsessively hauling him back in to soil yourself like a masochist, just because he doesn't seem sufficiently unhappy in your view.

[SheleftmeforMichael]

Your story brought slight flash backs of my most recent breakup which occurred a week before Christmas.

 

My ex girlfriend did something similar to what you encountered. When our relationship (3 years) was on the decline and eventually failed she jumped ship with a coworker who she always maintained was a "good friend" faster than lightning - literally days after our breakup. Did I suspect cheating even before our break up occurred? Of course I did, but i'll never know the full truth of that. Even after the breakup, she still was adamant and maintained there just "friends" despite all the signs I saw and the gut feeling I had. Even when I asked her point blank to her face multiple times when she still lived with me for 3 months after the break up. Even when I confronted her with small proofs. She wouldn't admit it...all the way to the point of moving out of my place. It killed me inside because all I wanted was the justice in her giving me the truth so I could let go and move on as well. But I never got it. I had to find the truth for myself using alternate means.

 

So the lesson to be learned is this. Trust the gut feeling. You don't feel it unless there is something wrong that you can't quite put your finger on. I too, did not trust my gut feeling as I was in a state of denial that "my ex wouldn't do that to me" but, I too, was wrong. Partners usually decide long before the breakup occurs when a relationship has sustainability or if it should end when things are starting to go south. Now that this experience happened, learn to recognize the signs of what you may have missed when you ignored your gut feeling so that it doesn't happen again.

 

"There is no justice to be found with ex's" I swear by that phrase now. Sometimes the real truth will never be given by ex's.

 

Don't ponder so much on why it happened / why it failed. It will drive you mad. It did for me and I did some really stupid stuff that further pushed her away from me. You have to come to the acceptance that it did. It happened. Depending on the kind of person you are, this will take allot of time. Take away from the relationship what was good and what you'd like to have again and recognize what you could have done without from the relationship and leave it at that. This will prepare you for your next relationship when you are ready and help you stay clear of bad relationship that don't fit what you need.

 

Don't bother comparing yourself to whom your ex is with now. It won't do you any good. I too, did that as well. I could not for the life of me understand why my ex chose to be with the guy she's with now. What I had to do...was come to the realization and acceptance that...that guy was the one she chose over me. That person made her happier at this time than I did and no matter what I do or say is was going to change her decision and have my ex come back to me.

 

"It doesn't seem fair that he is happy and going to all these fun places with her, while I'm miserable and reeling from this huge betrayal. It was so easy for him to move on -- he clearly did it well prior to the break up -- so why isn't it for me, even knowing what I know now?"

 

You are feeling this way because you are still emotionally attached to him. I too felt this way and is still something I'm still coping with. But it gets better each day. Only a lengthy period of time can help you detach successfully. Remove all the "triggers" from your life of him/the past so you won't be in constant thought of what occurred or accidentally find things that remind you of your past with him - that includes social media elements.

 

Focus on YOU and not on him and what happened. Rely on your friends and family to keep you in good spirits and/or counseling to get the weight off your chest. I did all of the above. Am I totally over my ex? Nope. I can't say that I am 100%, but I am getting better week by week. It takes time and is a process. Depending on the person you are, acceptance and moving on can be a short process or a long ordeal, but you have to want it and you have to keep doing the things that will put you on the path to feeling better again because no one is going to do this for you...but yourself.

 

You can do it. Be brave, be strong and move forward and don't lament so much on the past like I did.

Edited April 1, 2015 by SheleftmeforMichael

[azaleas]

Hyonlife, I would not say I am mitigating his character flaws exactly... rather pointing out that there were SOME good things about him and I would like a relationship with someone who shares his good qualities (but without the bad qualities) and I'm not sure whether I'll ever have this again. And I know not everything I'm thinking is exactly rational, but it's hard to be fully rational after a break-up. He was a huge part of my life for 6 years, so it's hard to let it all go just like that.

 

dreamingoftigers, ha, I actually considered that, but as she's absolutely obsessed with him based on her Instagram posts, he would probably just feed her some bull about how he really does think she's totally beautiful and he was only telling me what he did because he pities me being so miserable after he left me and he was just saying it to appease me and blah blah and I bet she would believe him and then post another cheesy picture of them together on Instagram, complete with some stupid "quote" about love. So I figured I would take the high road on this.

 

angel.eyes, yes, that's the gist of it, and I know everything you are saying is right, and I very much appreciate your advice. It's more an issue of actually being able to DO what you describe. I know I should not let him still have this hold over me, but it's hard

 

SheleftmeforMichael, I'm sorry to hear about what you went through. It does sound quite similar to my story. I really appreciate your advice. I know I need to go through the process and just let time heal. It just sucks because I feel like I took several steps backward after making this discovery and breaking NC. I guess I'll just have to keep moving forward again.

[Ruby65]

So, yeah -- turns out he's a liar and a cheater.

 

And regardless of how much he tries to RATIONALIZE and JUSTIFY and MINIMIZE his lying and cheating.... he still did it, he cheated and lied about it and left you for the other woman.

 

I've been there. It's sickening. There's nothing worse -- nothing. And he dumps you right before the holidays? Nice.

 

Look, I wouldn't beat myself up over your contacting him and calling him out and calling his ugly new girlfriend homely. I mean -- really. Forgive yourself. You're human and what he did was horrible.

 

The important thing now is to cut all online contact and block him, her and all mutual friends on every site and app you use. This is the only way to move forward and heal.

 

Here's a guide that will help you: http://www.breakuprecoveryguide.com

 

You're going to need to work on creating closure FOR YOURSELF now..... this happens when you've healed enough so you're no longer hurting, so you can have some more perspective and be philosophical about what happened.

 

That might not happen until after you've met your future new way-better boyfriend, though.

[Cinnamonstix]

Emotionally unhealthy people lie, cheat and line up people to date before they break it off with their current SO. And they often keep their exSO on the backburner as a "friend" in case it doesn't work out with the new person.

 

You can also take solace in the fact that emotionally unhealthy people have unhealthy attractions. For example, someone who is really insecure might be attracted to someone confident and independent, but they feel safer with someone who smothers them and wants to be with them all the time because it is safe. They will continue to be intimidated in a relationship with someone above their own emotional level, and they may revert back to what is comfortable because they need another person to make them feel wanted and valued.

 

In both scenarios, they won't be happy, because they aren't happy with themselves.

 

I doubt your ex's new relationship will work out. Rebounds rarely do.

Edited April 1, 2015 by Cinnamonstix

[Karin2rinkashi]

You deserve better!

 

Move on, and try to live your life to the fullest.

 

When they will see us happier than they could ever make us, they will regret it...

 

**** them!

[angel.eyes]

angel.eyes, yes, that's the gist of it, and I know everything you are saying is right, and I very much appreciate your advice. It's more an issue of actually being able to DO what you describe. I know I should not let him still have this hold over me, but it's hard.

 

Well, YOU have control over your choices. You just do it! Of course, breakups are hard. We've all been there. But what exactly are YOU actively doing right now to help yourself move forward? This should be a list of concrete actions.

 

For example:

• Have you blocked him on social media? I'm guessing not, since you're stewing over the fact that he's enjoying his life. How do you know what he's up to? Don't stalk him online. Tell your friends not to discuss him in your presence.
  
• Have you tossed everything that reminds you of him out? Tossed or given away any gifts he gave you? Deleted his photos, texts, messages? Removed all vestiges of him from your life?
  
• What new hobbies have you started?
  
• What self-improvement goal is going to fill the time that used to be spent with him?
  
• What fun activities do you have planned with your girlfriends?
  
• What social groups have you joined since the breakup?
  
• At work, what special project have you volunteered for?
  

 

I could go on, but you get the idea.

 

"I wish I could" doesn't cut it, if you're focused on recovery. At the risk of sounding like an unfeeling, uncaring drill sergeant, instead of wallowing in the muck of how happy he is, how wronged you are, and how unfair this all is, drag yourself out the door and do something that will actually improve you! It's irrelevant that you don't feel motivated right now, that you might cry in public, or that you just don't want to. Just make plans with others and do it. Wallowing does nothing to help you. It just keeps you mired in the past and prolongs the pain. No one wants to get off the couch when they feel hurt, but you just have to push yourself until your heart finally catches up...weeks and months later.

[frigginlost]

Emotionally unhealthy people lie, cheat and line up people to date before they break it off with their current SO. And they often keep their exSO on the backburner as a "friend" in case it doesn't work out with the new person.

 

You can also take solace in the fact that emotionally unhealthy people have unhealthy attractions. For example, someone who is really insecure might be attracted to someone confident and independent, but they feel safer with someone who smothers them and wants to be with them all the time because it is safe. They will continue to be intimidated in a relationship with someone above their own emotional level, and they may revert back to what is comfortable because they need another person to make them feel wanted and valued.

 

In both scenarios, they won't be happy, because they aren't happy with themselves.

 

I doubt your ex's new relationship will work out. Rebounds rarely do.

 

If there ever was a post on these boards that speaks volumes of truth regarding unhealthy emotional folks, this is it.

 

Cinnamonstix nailed it.

 

What absolutely sucks about relationships with these types of folks, is actually being able to break free of your emotional attachment to them. It is extremely hard, and extremely painful. It takes absolutely everything you have...