SunnySide0418 Posted April 1, 2015 Posted April 1, 2015 (edited) So I'm doing online dating. I'm 44 and have little kids (6 and 4). I obviously started late. I'm meeting/talking to several men whose kids are much older, like college aged. Some have said in response to my concern about our compatibility, due to our different stages in life, "it's not ideal but I'll deal with it" (meaning my kids) or something like that. For some reason the "it's not ideal" part really offends me. Am I being too sensitive? I mean, these are my babies they're talking about! Edited April 1, 2015 by SunnySide0418
DoesntGetIt Posted April 1, 2015 Posted April 1, 2015 No, you want to make sure you find someone who is 100% comfortable with your situation and therefore can focus on you. Despite having a child of my own, I would be very hesitant about dating a woman who has kids. And therefore, it would not be smart for a woman with kids to start dating me knowing that it is an issue for me.
angel.eyes Posted April 1, 2015 Posted April 1, 2015 I'm wondering why you're getting upset about a question you're raising. Would you be happier if they lied? I'm not a parent but I can see where they're coming from if their kids are in college. They would prefer to be done with child raising in a few years and were probably looking forward to regaining their freedom. If things were to work out with you, that shifts the clock fifteen years or so. A fifty-year old guy goes from traveling and doing what he wants with his partner to being housebound and making sure homework gets done until he's a senior citizen. Why not date guys in the same life stage...Other parents with kids just entering elementary school? That might be a much better fit since this is a concern of yours.
Author SunnySide0418 Posted April 1, 2015 Author Posted April 1, 2015 I'm wondering why you're getting upset about a question you're raising. Would you be happier if they lied? I'm not a parent but I can see where they're coming from if their kids are in college. They would prefer to be done with child raising in a few years and were probably looking forward to regaining their freedom. If things were to work out with you, that shifts the clock fifteen years or so. A fifty-year old guy goes from traveling and doing what he wants with his partner to being housebound and making sure homework gets done until he's a senior citizen. Why not date guys in the same life stage...Other parents with kids just entering elementary school? That might be a much better fit since this is a concern of yours. I actually get it too but it still bothers me. The thing is these guys write me and it clearly states in my profile I have little kids so yes I question it. It makes me feel like the pickins are slim so they're willing to settle. That doesn't work for me. If they are willing to "deal with it" then I would expect a considerate guy to word it differently if asked. That is certainly not going to win them brownie points. At least not with me. I next them!
Pinkdisney Posted April 1, 2015 Posted April 1, 2015 I'm wondering why you're getting upset about a question you're raising. Would you be happier if they lied? I'm not a parent but I can see where they're coming from if their kids are in college. They would prefer to be done with child raising in a few years and were probably looking forward to regaining their freedom. If things were to work out with you, that shifts the clock fifteen years or so. A fifty-year old guy goes from traveling and doing what he wants with his partner to being housebound and making sure homework gets done until he's a senior citizen. Why not date guys in the same life stage...Other parents with kids just entering elementary school? That might be a much better fit since this is a concern of yours. I am 43 and my kids are 14 and 9. Not all 44 year old men are willing or capable of raising another child from K-12 if they have kids already heading to college. Be happy they are being honest with you, not trying to lie to you to get in your pants. I am sure there are men who 1) don't care either way and 2) men who love children and look for a woman with young children and have children at or close to the same age.
Gary S Posted April 1, 2015 Posted April 1, 2015 You know, the main problem is they are not very tactful. I guess if it turns you off and you don't want to continue with those guys, I would not blame you. Let me tell you what would happen in reality if a nice man meets your kids... he will fall in love with them. Kids means more people to love you 1
angel.eyes Posted April 1, 2015 Posted April 1, 2015 (edited) Why do you assume their pickings are slim? Are you really expecting a guy to jump up and down and proclaim that he had been hoping to raise another set of kids until he was a senior citizen? These guys are giving you realistic, honest answers. The person I would worry about would be the guy who pretended to be overjoyed. I think you're looking for issues where they really don't exist. If you clearly state in your profile your kids approximate ages, they know what is involved. If they weren't open to the idea, they wouldn't contact you. Why are you assuming guys are settling for you out of desperation and lack of choice? That seems so strange to me. Edited April 1, 2015 by angel.eyes
Author SunnySide0418 Posted April 1, 2015 Author Posted April 1, 2015 Why do you assume their pickings are slim? I think you're looking for issues where they really don't exist. If you clearly state in your profile your kids approximate ages, they know what is involved. If they weren't open to the idea, they wouldn't contact you. Why are you assuming guys are settling for you out of desperation and lack of choice? That seems so strange to me. Um, because they say it's not ideal but will deal with it!!! If it's not ideal go find someone without kids! And didn't you say you don't have kids? I'm sorry but if you don't it's a different perspective than if you do IMO.
angel.eyes Posted April 1, 2015 Posted April 1, 2015 As I said, given your sensitivities you would be best served by finding guys in the same life stage. Almost nothing in life is ideal. Is being a single mom trying to date ideal? Probably not, but you still love your children dearly and you deal with it. You wouldn't have it any other way. Dating is no different. You can search for a unicorn or you can see a fine Arabian horse and decide that it would be a perfect fit for you. You can either search for the unicorn who's life goal it is to raise kids until he's a senior citizen, or you can go with a wonderful guy who says this wasn't what I originally planned or hoped for, but now that I've gotten to know you and your kids, I think we'll be perfect together.
Author SunnySide0418 Posted April 1, 2015 Author Posted April 1, 2015 As I said, given your sensitivities you would be best served by finding guys in the same life stage. Almost nothing in life is ideal. Is being a single mom trying to date ideal? Probably not, but you still love your children dearly and you deal with it. You wouldn't have it any other way. Dating is no different. You can search for a unicorn or you can see a fine Arabian house and decide that it would be a perfect fit for you. You can either search for the unicorn who's life goal it is to raise kids until he's a senior citizen, or you can go with a wonderful guy who says this wasn't what I originally planned or hoped for, but now that I've gotten to know you and your kids, I think we'll be perfect together. Great post. Very thought provoking. Thank you!
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