Am I too picky?

April 1, 2015

I'm in my 30's and still alone. I still try and date when I can. But it seems the older you get and more set in your ways, the harder.

I liked this guy on the first date, as the talking went well and we had many interests in common. From that point he made clear that he is into me and very complimentary, etc.

But on the 2nd date, I turned off like a light switch. He had to analyze every thought to death from a girls hair in the restaurant to his every thought that crossed his mind, about me or anything else. I couldn't talk without being interrupted. Now he admits to being nervous and such, but all this jaw flapping was overwhelming enough to make me feel like an anxiety attack was coming on. So I think in terms of no way could I live with this personality type everyday and forever.

It's a shame because I don't meet nice men very often. But it seems there is some kind of deal breaker everytime, no matter what, weather it's just not clicking or some other life or personality related situation. I don't even mind men with kids, but most of them are deal breakers too just because they don't even appear to have enough time for relationships, or they are just too lonely and needy. I am convinced I will be alone forever because something isn't right with every date I have. Am I just being too picky?

April 1, 2015

Majority of dates/relationships simply won't work out.

That said, I do think sometimes people are quick to cut someone out early on for something small that should be insignificant.

Nobody is perfect. Really. So if you are searching for someone who is perfect in everyway and doesn't have a single small thing that you don't find ideal, you'll be searching for a long time.

April 1, 2015

I'm in my 30's and still alone. I still try and date when I can. But it seems the older you get and more set in your ways, the harder.
I liked this guy on the first date, as the talking went well and we had many interests in common. From that point he made clear that he is into me and very complimentary, etc.
But on the 2nd date, I turned off like a light switch. He had to analyze every thought to death from a girls hair in the restaurant to his every thought that crossed his mind, about me or anything else. I couldn't talk without being interrupted. Now he admits to being nervous and such, but all this jaw flapping was overwhelming enough to make me feel like an anxiety attack was coming on. So I think in terms of no way could I live with this personality type everyday and forever.
It's a shame because I don't meet nice men very often. But it seems there is some kind of deal breaker everytime, no matter what, weather it's just not clicking or some other life or personality related situation. I don't even mind men with kids, but most of them are deal breakers too just because they don't even appear to have enough time for relationships, or they are just too lonely and needy. I am convinced I will be alone forever because something isn't right with every date I have. Am I just being too picky?

Haha.. Typical nice guy syndrome. The first warning sign was that he was too over complimentary on the first date. This is a sign of a guy that is trying too hard and will constantly want affirmation in return on how you feel about him. Then as you say on the second date, he switched into interview mode and it wasn't natural.

April 1, 2015

I'm in my 30's and still alone. I still try and date when I can. But it seems the older you get and more set in your ways, the harder.
I liked this guy on the first date, as the talking went well and we had many interests in common. From that point he made clear that he is into me and very complimentary, etc.
But on the 2nd date, I turned off like a light switch. He had to analyze every thought to death from a girls hair in the restaurant to his every thought that crossed his mind, about me or anything else. I couldn't talk without being interrupted. Now he admits to being nervous and such, but all this jaw flapping was overwhelming enough to make me feel like an anxiety attack was coming on. So I think in terms of no way could I live with this personality type everyday and forever.
It's a shame because I don't meet nice men very often. But it seems there is some kind of deal breaker everytime, no matter what, weather it's just not clicking or some other life or personality related situation. I don't even mind men with kids, but most of them are deal breakers too just because they don't even appear to have enough time for relationships, or they are just too lonely and needy. I am convinced I will be alone forever because something isn't right with every date I have. Am I just being too picky?

I was sympathetic until I got to the end (bolded) part of your question. How can there possibly be something wrong with EVERY date you have? I find that sort of hard to believe and if that is truly the case, then you are absolutely being too picky. I have more than a few girlfriends who won't date someone unless they have a certain kind of job, are a certain height, have hair, drive a nice car, huge penis...you get the drill.....There is a difference between lowering your standards and just being unreasonable/unrealistic.

April 1, 2015

Ever hear the saying "ignorance is bliss"?

Well, with age comes experience and while that helps you weed out guys who aren't a match, at the same time it makes you more discerning and unwilling to waste time with guys that in the past you got with.

So yea, you can either get with the herd and just settle for whatever or you can hold out for what you believe is best for you...

But seriously, with the single guys out there - good luck with that...start looking at getting some pets (not cats, cats are evil, selfish, and never got your back) and becoming the Krazy spinster of your hood.

April 2, 2015

I was sympathetic until I got to the end (bolded) part of your question. How can there possibly be something wrong with EVERY date you have? I find that sort of hard to believe and if that is truly the case, then you are absolutely being too picky. I have more than a few girlfriends who won't date someone unless they have a certain kind of job, are a certain height, have hair, drive a nice car, huge penis...you get the drill.....There is a difference between lowering your standards and just being unreasonable/unrealistic.

It isn't usually anything physically related. I was attracted to him in that manner. And I don't mind compliments at all. I welcome them. A better way to put this is there alaways seems to be some kind of deal breaker... In this case I realized his over bearing talking problem is likely an unchangeable part of his personality, and it made me feel uncomfortable, and somewhat smothered. Almost a chlosteraphobic feeling. To me this is not a minor thing to just "deal with". But I had no problem with compliments alone.

Other types of deal breakers are things like, I don't have a job right now... I don't have a car... I have 6 kids... Or perhaps they just act like a jerk. The deal breakers are normally not things I can overlook easily if this is a potential life partner. Had another guy in my life that I liked but he wasn't over his Ex and just looking for a space to fill... Just another example. There is always something even if the rest of them is great:(

And I don't mind men with kids, but some have enough that they don't even really have time for a girlfriend, and I'm not up for that kind of disappointment. In some cases the kids don't effect things too much though.

Edited April 2, 2015 by rainrhonda

April 2, 2015

You're only being too picky if you don't like the results of your actions. Is that the case? Then yes, you are being too picky.

My other thought is this. Finding a highly compatible partner is hard, it's not a common thing and it's very likely that if you are committed to that endeavour you will only find them later in life if at all. You have to take the risk that perhaps yes you will never find them and be happy with that outcome. If being with someone is preferrable to being alone then you'll need to loosen the requirements somewhat in order to have a larger pool to choose from.

April 2, 2015

I don't think you are being too picky, but maybe dismissing them too early. As DoesntGetIt point out, no one is perfect.

If someone has six kids or smells bad or whatever and that is a deal breaker for you, then fine, don't date them anymore. But the guy that talks too much, as you said, may have been nervous and trying to impress you. I think he deserves another date, and if he does more of the same, then ok, let him go too.

It's fine to have standards and boundaries about what you are looking for in a mate. But don't discount people on the first sign of a character flaw. There are things about my partner that annoyed me initially when we first met. And they still annoy me... But as we got to know each other I saw so many compatibilities. Ones that really mattered. I'm glad I didn't discount him on a few stupid things he did or said (or assumptions I had made) in the early stages.

April 2, 2015

I'm in my 30's and still alone. I still try and date when I can. But it seems the older you get and more set in your ways, the harder.

But on the 2nd date, I turned off like a light switch. He had to analyze every thought to death from a girls hair in the restaurant to his every thought that crossed his mind, about me or anything else. I couldn't talk without being interrupted. Now he admits to being nervous and such, but all this jaw flapping was overwhelming enough to make me feel like an anxiety attack was coming on. So I think in terms of no way could I live with this personality type everyday and forever.

It's a shame because I don't meet nice men very often.

Am I just being too picky?

.

Lot's of people get nervous on dates. If that is a deal breaker for you... I don't really know what to say.

April 3, 2015

.

Lot's of people get nervous on dates. If that is a deal breaker for you... I don't really know what to say.

Precisely! My last boyfriend was so nervous at the start of our first date that he could barely get out a coherent sentence. Rather than write him off immediately, I decided to wait until he calmed down to make up my mind, even if it meant a couple of dud dates. Turned out he was one of the most charming, funny, social, kind-hearted extroverts I've ever met. Our personalities meshed together really well! Imagine if I had nixed him after twenty minutes and dismissed him as socially awkward based on my first fleeting impression?

I have tons of deal breakers, but on the trivial stuff, like nervous behaviours? OP, you need to give it a rest. Otherwise, instead of plucking prime choices from an ocean of options, you'll be attempting to fish in a tiny puddle in the middle of the parched California desert.

Edited April 3, 2015 by angel.eyes

April 3, 2015

I don't think you're too picky. i don't think you're pick enough!!

if you go on a date and you don't have the chemistry in the conversation then that's something you can figure out over the phone. maybe you should try to have more phone convos before dates to feel people out?

the older you get the more you are able to recognize what you want and what you don't. also you get better at dating so things can end faster if they aren't right, so think of that as a good thing!

do you like to talk a lot? some guys gush if a girl is not talkative and they want to fill the silence. then the girl feels like she can't get a word in. this can g both ways of course. you'll know if you have a rapport if you're able to talk on the phone and a failed phone call is less of an ego blow than a lame date! you just have to find someone that balances you, I don't think you are too picky but i also don't think you should subject yourself to lame dates!

April 3, 2015

Precisely! My last boyfriend was so nervous at the start of our first date that he could barely get out a coherent sentence. Rather than write him off immediately, I decided to wait until he calmed down to make up my mind, even if it meant a couple of dud dates. Turned out he was one of the most charming, funny, social, kind-hearted extroverts I've ever met. Our personalities meshed together really well! Imagine if I had nixed him after twenty minutes and dismissed him as socially awkward based on my first fleeting impression?

I have tons of deal breakers, but on the trivial stuff, like nervous behaviours? OP, you need to give it a rest. Otherwise, instead of plucking prime choices from an ocean of options, you'll be attempting to fish in a tiny puddle in the middle of the parched California desert.

I'm pretty sure it isn't just a nervous habit for him though. It's a personality thing. I already knew he was a talker because we used to hang out in the same circle years ago. But, that wasn't a dating situation. Things are put more under a microscope then. Before this I didn't realize his talking skills were so analyze heavy... He analyzed EVERYTHING to death. Including, talking rudely about people at the table next to us. For me that is negative behavior that I don't want in my life plus, it's just bad manners. This was a huge a turn off.

April 3, 2015

I'm pretty sure it isn't just a nervous habit for him though. It's a personality thing. I already knew he was a talker because we used to hang out in the same circle years ago. But, that wasn't a dating situation. Things are put more under a microscope then. Before this I didn't realize his talking skills were so analyze heavy... He analyzed EVERYTHING to death. Including, talking rudely about people at the table next to us. For me that is negative behavior that I don't want in my life plus, it's just bad manners. This was a huge a turn off.

If you already knew that then why waste both your time in the first place?

April 3, 2015

I'm in my 30's and still alone. I still try and date when I can. But it seems the older you get and more set in your ways, the harder.
I liked this guy on the first date, as the talking went well and we had many interests in common. From that point he made clear that he is into me and very complimentary, etc.
But on the 2nd date, I turned off like a light switch. He had to analyze every thought to death from a girls hair in the restaurant to his every thought that crossed his mind, about me or anything else. I couldn't talk without being interrupted. Now he admits to being nervous and such, but all this jaw flapping was overwhelming enough to make me feel like an anxiety attack was coming on. So I think in terms of no way could I live with this personality type everyday and forever.
It's a shame because I don't meet nice men very often. But it seems there is some kind of deal breaker everytime, no matter what, weather it's just not clicking or some other life or personality related situation. I don't even mind men with kids, but most of them are deal breakers too just because they don't even appear to have enough time for relationships, or they are just too lonely and needy. I am convinced I will be alone forever because something isn't right with every date I have. Am I just being too picky?

I think you are being too picky.

A guy talking too much causes you to have an anxiety attack? That sounds a bit out there to me....

April 3, 2015

I'm in my 30's and still alone. I still try and date when I can. But it seems the older you get and more set in your ways, the harder.
I liked this guy on the first date, as the talking went well and we had many interests in common. From that point he made clear that he is into me and very complimentary, etc.
But on the 2nd date, I turned off like a light switch. He had to analyze every thought to death from a girls hair in the restaurant to his every thought that crossed his mind, about me or anything else. I couldn't talk without being interrupted. Now he admits to being nervous and such, but all this jaw flapping was overwhelming enough to make me feel like an anxiety attack was coming on. So I think in terms of no way could I live with this personality type everyday and forever.
It's a shame because I don't meet nice men very often. But it seems there is some kind of deal breaker everytime, no matter what, weather it's just not clicking or some other life or personality related situation. I don't even mind men with kids, but most of them are deal breakers too just because they don't even appear to have enough time for relationships, or they are just too lonely and needy. I am convinced I will be alone forever because something isn't right with every date I have. Am I just being too picky?

With this one, you may want to move on. However, as to pickiness, it's a gut thing sometimes anyway, but I'll say this, if you are dating to find someone who is Perfect and think you have, they won't have found the same thing.

April 4, 2015

I think you are being too picky.

A guy talking too much causes you to have an anxiety attack? That sounds a bit out there to me....

It wasn't the amount of talking... As I said earlier, it was the extreme amount of analyzing every thing so deeply, and talking about other people in the restaurant, which I think is really rude. I was unable to finish any of my own sentences because he kept stopping me to start analyzing it. Again I don't believe it was a nervous problem, but just the way he socializes or conversates..it made me feel like I couldn't breathe... There was no way to keep a conversation light and fun because he had to look so deeply into everything. This is just way off from my own personality. It might be picky, but still not something I'd be able to adapt to. It actually made me super uncomfortable, I don't know how to explain it. Otherwise attractive, smart guy. But he seems socially odd, as if he doesn't know how an even balanced conversation is supposed to go. And certainly odd that he had no problem loudly criticizing customers at the table next to us.. Ugh..

April 4, 2015

Listen, he just was not a good conversationalist and he got into heavy, boring stuff. You just have not met the right guy yet. Keep your head up, you only need one good one.

April 4, 2015

You're only being too picky if you don't like the results of your actions. Is that the case? Then yes, you are being too picky.

My other thought is this. Finding a highly compatible partner is hard, it's not a common thing and it's very likely that if you are committed to that endeavour you will only find them later in life if at all. You have to take the risk that perhaps yes you will never find them and be happy with that outcome. If being with someone is preferrable to being alone then you'll need to loosen the requirements somewhat in order to have a larger pool to choose from.

Good post.

I've been called picky and a perfectionist. But I'm happier single and living a good life than coupled up in a relationship that's just not right. As jazz musician Madeleine Peyroux said, "When something's not right, it's wrong."

I agree with Buddhist that it's not easy or common to find a highly compatible partner, and it can take the better part of a lifetime to find them. I face and accept that reality, and I'm making the most of my life - which is, after all, the result of all the decisions I've made along the way. They weren't the same decisions that another person might have made, but they were right for me, and I'm making the best of where they have led me.

April 4, 2015

Wow, no you are not being picky

you just haven't find the right guy once

but

keep on seeing other people

you won't find him from 3 date only

don't just decide based on 2 dates only...

and it someone being rude

just tell him exactly how you feel

maybe you'll see then a better or worse image of them

but it will be real regardless

Edited April 4, 2015 by Noproblem

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