Do you think he'll ever speak to me again?

[maryjaneholland]

We broke up 10 days ago and last spoke 7 days ago. I broke up with him. Half the time, our relationship is amazing and I feel very much in love. The other half, I can't get in touch with him at all. He would ignore all texts and phone calls. I feel very underappreciated and uncared for. He was making me unhappy half the time so I had to end it.

 

I was devastated at first but after a week of not speaking, I feel a lot better. I think I can live without him. I don't need him.

 

Last time we spoke we kinda had an argument about our relationship. I got pregnant a month into our relationship and later miscarried. I feel like he stayed with me out of pity rather than actually wanting to be with me. The pregnancy shocked us both and kind of prevented us both putting effort into the relationship. A month into a relationship, you should be getting to know each other and having fun. I was depressed over getting pregnant by a man I haven't known that long and having to consider dropping uni and my potential career. He mentioned us not getting to know each other properly and I replied when my miscarriage is on my mind 70% of the day, it's kinda exhausting to try and have 'get to know' conversations with people right now. He said we should chill and see how we really feel. Then he asked me to go to his because he felt like I shouldn't be alone but didn't know what to do for the best, which I declined because I know he only invited me because he feels sorry for getting me pregnant. I want him to want me for me, not out of pity.

 

Anyway, like I said I'm getting on more than fine alone now. I think I may still be willing to work it out and actually get to know him if he wanted to, because we have amazing chemistry and attraction. I feel like he is just right for me. But if not, I guess I'll be okay. I think most of all my pride wants him to contact me and tells me he misses me or something.

 

Do you think he'll contact me again? He did say we should chill and see how we feel. But then I don't know if he's saying that to let me down gently because he feels sorry for me

[Strength in Healing]

I think this poor relationship is dead. Go on and bury it, or even better, get it cremated. Stick a fork in that chicken, it's fried. KFC.

[Ruby65]

I'm really sorry about your miscarriage.

 

Here's the thing -- and I don't want you to think I'm being judgmental, because I'm really not. Believe me, I've been there! But I think you might want to consider holding off on having sex with people before you really know them.... until after there's more of an emotional bond between you.

 

Just saying -- there's other ways to get to know someone. If he really likes you, he'll be okay waiting a bit.

 

As for this guy.... if he's at all hot/cold, then you really have no choice but to walk away. Hot/cold means he's not that into you, if he was he wouldn't risk losing you with mixed messages.

 

Stop making excuses for him.

 

You deserve SO MUCH BETTER than some guy who isn't letting you know how crazy he is about you!!!

 

Keep moving forward, keep walking away.

 

Here's a guide that will help you: http://www.breakuprecoveryguide.com

[Toodaloo]

I was devastated at first but after a week of not speaking, I feel a lot better. I think I can live without him. I don't need him.

 

I feel like he stayed with me out of pity rather than actually wanting to be with me.

 

Do you think he'll contact me again? He did say we should chill and see how we feel. But then I don't know if he's saying that to let me down gently because he feels sorry for me

 

What do you care? Why do you care?

 

It wasn't a great relationship anyway, you both made mistakes and it ended.

 

Don't worry about speaking to him again, worry about nipping down and getting yourself tested for STD's and grabbing a stock of condoms ready for the next one...

[MargaretSanchez72]

Hi,

 

I think that you are trying to convince yourself that you don't want him back because it is easier to believe in it when you feel you have no control over the situation. I admire your strength and think that you are handling this pretty well and very maturely considering what you had to go through with your ex.

 

Realize that men do this a lot. There is no need to panic even though based on your post you say you are ok, I know somehow it still causes you anxiety. But since you seem level headed about it, I think you are doing a great job in getting him to miss you.

 

See, most men deep down inside never want to commit and they will fight,tooth and nail to keep their freedom. But that same guy who wants his freedom so badly will surprise you one day when he suddenly commits to one girl, falls head over heels in love, and asks her to marry him. It happens all the time. And please do not think that you cannot be that girl for your ex. You simply need to change your perspective and to awaken certain dormant feminine mystique traits in you and use that to get your boyfriend back. Right after a breakup is the most crucial stage and what you do now will either push him further away or get him back. So far, I think you are on the right track being string and leaving him alone for now. But while you are doing that, you need to get working on other things you can do to make sure that he comes back to you.

 

You need to use indirect ways of reaching his innermost feelings so that he stops running away and instead realizes that he cannot live without you. You have to make sure that you stand out among all the other women he may be seeing now or could possibly fall in love with. You need to understand what it is that makes a woman the kind of woman a man cannot resist and must have.

 

Are you guys friends on Facebook or any other social media network? Do you know if he is seeing someone or dating around?

[maryjaneholland]

I'm really sorry about your miscarriage.

 

Here's the thing -- and I don't want you to think I'm being judgmental, because I'm really not. Believe me, I've been there! But I think you might want to consider holding off on having sex with people before you really know them.... until after there's more of an emotional bond between you.

 

Just saying -- there's other ways to get to know someone. If he really likes you, he'll be okay waiting a bit.

 

As for this guy.... if he's at all hot/cold, then you really have no choice but to walk away. Hot/cold means he's not that into you, if he was he wouldn't risk losing you with mixed messages.

 

Stop making excuses for him.

 

You deserve SO MUCH BETTER than some guy who isn't letting you know how crazy he is about you!!!

 

Keep moving forward, keep walking away.

 

Here's a guide that will help you: http://www.breakuprecoveryguide.com

 

Thanks a lot for your reply, made me feel a lot better about the situation

 

I checked out the link too, was very helpful.

[maryjaneholland]

 

Are you guys friends on Facebook or any other social media network? Do you know if he is seeing someone or dating around?

 

Neither of us has Facebook. We both have twitter (he rarely uses it and he has it under a secret name and doesn't know I know about it, we don't follow each other). We both have instagram but don't follow each other, I don't know if he ever checks out my profile. So the whole social media thing probably wouldn't work with us.

 

We don't have mutual friends. We don't 'hang out' anywhere. Our lives don't really have much in common in terms of getting him to see how well I'm doing/I'm getting over it. The only way I could show him I'm moving on is by directly contacting him, which clearly won't work because that would be completely contradictory.

[ZiggyZoo]

Neither of us has Facebook. We both have twitter (he rarely uses it and he has it under a secret name and doesn't know I know about it, we don't follow each other). We both have instagram but don't follow each other, I don't know if he ever checks out my profile. So the whole social media thing probably wouldn't work with us.

 

We don't have mutual friends. We don't 'hang out' anywhere. Our lives don't really have much in common in terms of getting him to see how well I'm doing/I'm getting over it. The only way I could show him I'm moving on is by directly contacting him, which clearly won't work because that would be completely contradictory.

 

I'm so sorry about your miscarriage too, I've had three of my own, each was a heartbreak.

 

Really, the only way you can show him that you're moving on is to ignore him completely. Trying to send any sort of "so happy, moving on with my great new life" indirect messages are desperate and incredibly transparent. He'll know what you're doing right away, and it'll make you look pathetic. Just keep doing what you're doing, and you'll be fine.

 

I actually disagree with almost everything MargaretSanchez72 said. If you need to use manipulation techniques to unleash your feminine mystique in order to ensure that he doesn't suddenly change into Mr.Perfect for someone else, you're in an extremely unhealthy relationship. I think it's much better to realize that not everyone is meant to be together, and move on until you find someone who wants to be with you without any tricks or social media crap.

 

You're best off going NC and healing from this whole experience. This relationship wasn't meant to be, but that certainly doesn't mean that the next one won't be exactly what you're looking for.

 

ETA: Ah, I looked at MargaretSanchez72's other posts. Looks like she works for one of those "get your man back in 30 days" crapsites.

Edited April 1, 2015 by ZiggyZoo

[maryjaneholland]

I'm so sorry about your miscarriage too, I've had three of my own, each was a heartbreak.

 

Really, the only way you can show him that you're moving on is to ignore him completely. Trying to send any sort of "so happy, moving on with my great new life" indirect messages are desperate and incredibly transparent. He'll know what you're doing right away, and it'll make you look pathetic. Just keep doing what you're doing, and you'll be fine.

 

I actually disagree with almost everything MargaretSanchez72 said. If you need to use manipulation techniques to unleash your feminine mystique in order to ensure that he doesn't suddenly change into Mr.Perfect for someone else, you're in an extremely unhealthy relationship. I think it's much better to realize that not everyone is meant to be together, and move on until you find someone who wants to be with you without any tricks or social media crap.

 

You're best off going NC and healing from this whole experience. This relationship wasn't meant to be, but that certainly doesn't mean that the next one won't be exactly what you're looking for.

 

ETA: Ah, I looked at MargaretSanchez72's other posts. Looks like she works for one of those "get your man back in 30 days" crapsites.

 

Sorry about your miscarriages too. Three must really take a toll on you.

 

He's a pretty intelligent guy. If I did anything like that, then yes, he probably would see right through it then I'd look like an absolute desperate loser.

 

I've realised no matter what I do, I'm not going to change him. Making immature attempts to spark jealousy or panic in him won't change him. We broke up because he just doesn't care and I highly doubt he cares any more about me now. He suffers from depression and intolerances to alcohol and drugs. He tried once to clean himself up for me and he lasted less than a week. He wouldn't get help for his problems and I doubt he will ever. He's just going to end up a very lonely old man. Least I know I tried my best.

 

I checked out her profile too, thought so. I'm not sure if I want him back. I have no trust for him at all. He's got too many demons haunting him. Nothing would change and I'd still uncared for. It was making me depressed so I had to get out and it isn't coincidental that I've been feeling relatively happy since we've stopped talking. Like I said, I think my pride just wants him to come crawling back. But I'm not sure how I would even react.

[ZiggyZoo]

Ooooh, pride can be a pisser! That's what has kept me from contacting my most recent ex, actually. I was the first woman he was with who wasn't a total nutcase, and I couldn't believe it when he dumped me on my ass. I've come to terms with it and all that for the most part, but I'm glad that my pride kept me from making an idiot of myself in the meantime. But I DO know that feeling of wanting them to come back just so you can shoot them down. I tell myself that my ex's punishment or whatever from all this is losing me, which is a very bad thing indeed.

 

Alcohol and drug abuse are things that unfortunately will always come first too. That's too bad that he's so wrapped up in them, its a terrible thing. There's probably nothing you could have said or done to help, and at least you didn't waste years of your life trying.

 

I think it sounds like you have a good handle on what went wrong and why it was ultimately for the best. It can take a while sometimes to get to where you are now, so you're lucky there. I think you'll be just fine.

[maryjaneholland]

So we started no contact a few days after we broke up. We had no contact for 11 days (?) and he texted me saying he misses me, it's all his fault, he messed it all up, he thinks about me, he hopes I'm okay and that I don't hate him. I texted him back and said I missed him too and reassured him it wasn't all his fault. He didn't reply. Two days later I asked him if he was okay. I was worried about him because he suffers from depression, the content of the text worried me and it's like he's not taking the break up well. Nothing. Next day I said do you fancy having a talk about things soon? If not, I understand, that's fine. I understand if you can't talk to me but please at least let me know you're okay because I'm worried. Nothing. I then checked with one of his friends who told me he seemed okay. So then I got angry, because what kind of person texts something like that without even intending at least to have a small conversation and ignores my text, and I texted him this morning saying I'm sick to death of your mind games, what did you even intend by sending me that text in the first place? I'm most probably not going to get a reply, but I just wanted to get my anger out.

 

Background: I love him more than anything else in the world but I had to break up with him because I feel (due to his depression which he refuses help) he doesn't care about me enough. It was making me unhappy, so I had to leave. He didn't fight for the relationship. I asked for him back straight away in which he said lets chill and see how we feel as a way of letting me down gently. But then he texts me 11 days later telling me he misses me. Then ignores me. It wasn't even a goodbye sort of text, he clearly wanted me to reply. So whats the deal?

 

I was doing fine but now he's brought me back to square one. I'm furious.

[Lovingme81]

he probably only did it because he was feeling lonely now he's over it. I don't understand people like him. He should realize its like opening a old wound now you need to start all over again. I totally understand how you fell.

[Ruby65]

If he wasn't blocked on your phone, you weren't doing No Contact.

 

When you decide to go No Contact, you remove all possible means of communication. Had you done that, none of this would've happened and you'd now be farther along in your healing.

 

Check out the No Contact Guide posted on this site -- it's really good!

[maryjaneholland]

If he wasn't blocked on your phone, you weren't doing No Contact.

 

When you decide to go No Contact, you remove all possible means of communication. Had you done that, none of this would've happened and you'd now be farther along in your healing.

 

Check out the No Contact Guide posted on this site -- it's really good!

 

 

So you're saying even though we didn't speak to each other for nearly two weeks, it technically wasn't no contact because his number wasn't blocked on my phone? But why would I go as far as blocking his number? That's a bit harsh/an exaggeration.

 

I think NC is mostly BS. Yes, it does make you heal faster, for the short run. But then why block out the truth? Why disallow someone to tell you how they feel? Why disallow someone to apologise for what went wrong? Why even disallow someone a second chance (because we all **** up!)?

 

You can heal without practically getting a restraining order on someone who hasn't really done no wrong. No contact or contact, we've been split for two weeks, I am going to be upset sometimes either way. It would upset me even more if I knew he would be unable to message me to say what is on his mind.

[goldway90]

"due to his depression which he refuses help"

He's not ignoring you actually, he's isolating himself but it's not your fault. It doesn't matter how much you love him, if he can't love himself, he needs help because without it, it's an endless emotional roller coaster. He can't fight for the relationship because he's not emotionally ready. Don't take it personally really, NC and move on with your life.

[idoltree]

It was a check to see if you're still an option for him. You confirmed that you are, therefore he feels reassured to go out and be on his own.

 

It was also a way to relieve his guilt for leaving you (the "hope you don't hate me" part). You relieved him of his guilt, so he feels reassured to go out and be on his own.

 

You disagree with NC, but if that's your stance you've got to educate yourself on the psychology of the person leaving a relationship, and you've got to make sure you are 100% emotionally stable and operating out of the reality of the now. You made a classic mistake of indulging a mostly meaningless contact from the person who left you, and you shot your interests in the foot by doing so.

 

Psychology of the leaver - right now he's selfish and concentrating on telling himself he made the right decision. This will be about 1-2 months, and every time you reassure him, you allow him to stay away from you longer. You would gain much better traction for yourself if you refused to be a source of reassurance for him. If he feels guilty, then there are friends, family and counselors who can help him sort that out. You need boundaries with him. You devote energy to his emotional needs, he devotes none to yours. That's not healthy and you shouldn't be okay with it.

 

100% emotionally stable - you must act out of logic and independence. You sound pretty good to me, but it may just be that the breakup hasn't fully hit you yet. If it has, and you're not making reactive emotional decisions, great job.

 

Reality of the now - you're not in a relationship. After he disappeared, pursuing him and acting as a concerned girlfriend/mother figure (checking on his welfare) is not a good idea. That part of what you had needs to be left in the past. Do not contact him or do anything resembling pursuing him, because you're just annoying him (see psychology of the leaver) and pushing him away. What you had is gone, you are single, and your actions and choices need to reflect that. Do not hand him the power; hold onto it.

 

If you can't manage all of these three things at once, being in contact is going to work against you and NC is the best way to preserve hope for the future. NC is best for most after a breakup, because most are emotional wrecks. If you can be logical and keep your frame, then you can do without NC.

 

However, NC also helps the leaver eventually understand their ex's value to their life once they are forced to live totally without it. It sounds like you're being taken for granted, so NC really wouldn't hurt your cause. Call it immature, or call it smart and an act of self-preservation.

[maryjaneholland]

"due to his depression which he refuses help"

He's not ignoring you actually, he's isolating himself but it's not your fault. It doesn't matter how much you love him, if he can't love himself, he needs help because without it, it's an endless emotional roller coaster. He can't fight for the relationship because he's not emotionally ready. Don't take it personally really, NC and move on with your life.

 

Thank you. Exactly right.

[maryjaneholland]

It was a check to see if you're still an option for him. You confirmed that you are, therefore he feels reassured to go out and be on his own.

 

It was also a way to relieve his guilt for leaving you (the "hope you don't hate me" part). You relieved him of his guilt, so he feels reassured to go out and be on his own.

 

You disagree with NC, but if that's your stance you've got to educate yourself on the psychology of the person leaving a relationship, and you've got to make sure you are 100% emotionally stable and operating out of the reality of the now. You made a classic mistake of indulging a mostly meaningless contact from the person who left you, and you shot your interests in the foot by doing so.

 

Psychology of the leaver - right now he's selfish and concentrating on telling himself he made the right decision. This will be about 1-2 months, and every time you reassure him, you allow him to stay away from you longer. You would gain much better traction for yourself if you refused to be a source of reassurance for him. If he feels guilty, then there are friends, family and counselors who can help him sort that out. You need boundaries with him. You devote energy to his emotional needs, he devotes none to yours. That's not healthy and you shouldn't be okay with it.

 

100% emotionally stable - you must act out of logic and independence. You sound pretty good to me, but it may just be that the breakup hasn't fully hit you yet. If it has, and you're not making reactive emotional decisions, great job.

 

Reality of the now - you're not in a relationship. After he disappeared, pursuing him and acting as a concerned girlfriend/mother figure (checking on his welfare) is not a good idea. That part of what you had needs to be left in the past. Do not contact him or do anything resembling pursuing him, because you're just annoying him (see psychology of the leaver) and pushing him away. What you had is gone, you are single, and your actions and choices need to reflect that. Do not hand him the power; hold onto it.

 

If you can't manage all of these three things at once, being in contact is going to work against you and NC is the best way to preserve hope for the future. NC is best for most after a breakup, because most are emotional wrecks. If you can be logical and keep your frame, then you can do without NC.

 

However, NC also helps the leaver eventually understand their ex's value to their life once they are forced to live totally without it. It sounds like you're being taken for granted, so NC really wouldn't hurt your cause. Call it immature, or call it smart and an act of self-preservation.

 

For future reference, what do you do when they text you saying they miss you? I texted him and told him I miss him too. I kind of do, but 90% of that was a lie. I felt bad that I actually don't miss him. I have a new house, new job, new friends and uni to concentrate on. I thought I would give him what he wants to hear. Nevertheless now it still has brought me back to square one. I'm furious that he would even bother texting me such a thing when has no intention of at least having a small conversation. There was literally no point in the text he sent me.

 

I regret sending the other texts after my initial reply. One was asking if he's okay, the other again was reassurance. The last one sent yesterday was a very angry text accusing him of game playing and there was no point in texting me in the first place. Is there any way to salvage that? Cos right now I'm the crazy girl who kept texting him without him even replying. I don't want him to have the higher ground.

 

I'm really tempted to go and see him and demand he tells me what the deal is. But I don't know. I'm just really angry over what he's done and I need answers.

[ZiggyZoo]

For future reference, what do you do when they text you saying they miss you? I texted him and told him I miss him too. I kind of do, but 90% of that was a lie. I felt bad that I actually don't miss him. I have a new house, new job, new friends and uni to concentrate on. I thought I would give him what he wants to hear. Nevertheless now it still has brought me back to square one. I'm furious that he would even bother texting me such a thing when has no intention of at least having a small conversation. There was literally no point in the text he sent me.

 

I regret sending the other texts after my initial reply. One was asking if he's okay, the other again was reassurance. The last one sent yesterday was a very angry text accusing him of game playing and there was no point in texting me in the first place. Is there any way to salvage that? Cos right now I'm the crazy girl who kept texting him without him even replying. I don't want him to have the higher ground.

 

I'm really tempted to go and see him and demand he tells me what the deal is. But I don't know. I'm just really angry over what he's done and I need answers.

 

Reading the bolded part makes me wonder, if this is how you feel, WHY do you care about sparing his feelings or making him feel better about himself? Listen to what you really want, not what you think he needs or wants to hear from you. He's not going to look out for your interests, after all. He's just going to do whatever he needs to do at the time to make himself feel better, which is where the BS text came in. I absolutely agree with idoltree, it was a way for him to ease has guilt at hurting your feelings, and once he knew you got his "apology", he was fine. He doesn't care that it sent you into a tailspin trying to figure out what he meant, and that you're upset about his welfare. He's not even thinking of you at all. If he was, he'd have responded by now.

 

I know you don't see the point in NC, but what you're going through right now is exactly what NC was made to avoid. It removes all the easy, lazy avenues of communication so that your ex really has to try to get ahold of you if he wants to say something. Trust me, if you had blocked him on your phone, you never would have gotten the text that has you so upset. And really, you've wasted almost a whole day on something that you never would have even known about if you were NC. I know you think that your ex deserves the chance to explain himself, and you owe it to him to keep lines of communication open, but you owe it to yourself more to say "Nope. If you want to talk, you have to make an honest effort". There's nothing wrong with talking to your ex, just in allowing them to come and go as they please and contact you then ignore as they want.

 

You aren't likely to get a response from him anyway, because your history with him and this type of behavior has taught him that you'll put up with it. You mentioned in your first post that he has a habit of ignoring you. And this was while you were IN a relationship, what makes you think he'll be any different or more inclined to answer while OUT of one? You're not going to get answers from him, best to save your self-respect and let it go. What difference is it gong to make, really? Say he tells you that he's been a complete jerk and you deserve better. Is this any better than where you are now? I think its actually worse, since it shows that he was aware that he was treating you like crap, yet did it anyway. Best to let it go, and learn what you can from all this.

[maryjaneholland]

Reading the bolded part makes me wonder, if this is how you feel, WHY do you care about sparing his feelings or making him feel better about himself? Listen to what you really want, not what you think he needs or wants to hear from you. He's not going to look out for your interests, after all. He's just going to do whatever he needs to do at the time to make himself feel better, which is where the BS text came in. I absolutely agree with idoltree, it was a way for him to ease has guilt at hurting your feelings, and once he knew you got his "apology", he was fine. He doesn't care that it sent you into a tailspin trying to figure out what he meant, and that you're upset about his welfare. He's not even thinking of you at all. If he was, he'd have responded by now.

 

No matter what, I will always care a bit from him. Because only I know the battle that he's going through. It's not him that doesn't care for me. It's the ugly monster that depression and mental illness that has taken hold of him. Trust me, I've been there. And it made me lose a lot of people I wish would have at least tried to understand that mental illness is just as serious as physical illness and would have stuck by me to support me. Other than that, I'm just a sucker I guess. I care for people unless they have completely offended and wronged me.

 

I am going no contact again. Big part is because I have no other choice if he won't respond. And I do want to take the high road and prove I'm holding it together. But how are anyone supposed to have a second chance in a relationship if people didn't speak to each other again? If it wasn't for second chances I wouldn't be here. Every friend I have in a relationship are all on their second go, and years down the line.