broke up with girlfriend twice, she says she's ready to move on

[thinker1]

My ex girlfriend and I were dating for almost 2 years. Our first break-up occurred around april-may of the last year. She called me crying saying that she could no longer bear the pain that I was giving to her as I'm not a very communicative person and I spent more time with my friends than with her. I was already feeling that the spark was lost. I can't even explain my own feelings, I just didn't know what was going on. But I loved her with all of my heart and I wanted to keep on with the relationship, so I begged and she ended things.

 

We got back together 2 days later, to break up 2 months later because I kept being indecisive. I acted terrible towards her, and we had sex frequently. She always cried that she wanted to get back with me and that she didn't understand my feelings but I always refused, until she went on NC for almost 1 month. At the end of august i called her because I wanted her back, and she was really angry and really cautious with me. She finally picked up the phone after several attempts on my part. I was scared of her response. We agreed to meet up, and ended up seeing each other, to get back for 8 months.

 

These months have been great. We have been having fun, and she was starting to get close to my family and was starting to trust me again... until I got that feeling again, out of nowhere. Every time she and I spent time together with my family or planned something big, I felt something in my heart... maybe fear of commitment. I started to ask for space with actions, and she understood. She started to distance herself and so did I. 2 weeks ago she called to know what's going on, and I told her that I thought we needed a break to clear my head. She pushed for us to break up and said that she could no longer bear so much pain.

 

She said that she was going to start seeing someone else RIGHT AWAY. The person I had been jealous of the entire time. She listed his good qualities and that he spent more time with her than I did, and that she never cheated on me, but was starting to fall in love with him. She said that she would always choose me anyways, but I ended up agreeing and we broke up.

 

I know I have no right to complain. I broke her heart two times, and I still love her, but I don't think I'm ready to really commit. The thought of her being in someone else's arms really makes me sad and angry. Was she cheating on me? Did I deserve this? I feel so many emotions right now. We have been on NC since the day we broke up and I can't sleep. I blocked her on Whatsapp. I don't know what to do.

[elephantflower]

I'm sorry to hear you are going through this.

 

Interestingly, my ex had a similar pattern as you. He would freak out around commitment things but would still say he loved me, etc. what is all of that about? It was so confusing to me to have someone tell me I was the best girlfriend, best relationship, he was happy and he loved me but was "confused."

[Strength in Healing]

Well, best thing to do would be to seek therapy from a professional to discern if indeed you have a fear of commitment. If so, you can begin to resolve it. Otherwise your problems, forever, will continue to occur and ruin relationships.

 

Get help, or else the problems, well... it follows.

[DJOkawari]

I know I have no right to complain. I broke her heart two times, and I still love her, but I don't think I'm ready to really commit. The thought of her being in someone else's arms really makes me sad and angry. Was she cheating on me? Did I deserve this? I feel so many emotions right now. We have been on NC since the day we broke up and I can't sleep. I blocked her on Whatsapp. I don't know what to do.

 

Like everyone said already, stay in NC and deal with your commitment issues by seeing a therapist or reading books/talking it over with people close to you. Likely this guy is a rebound and she'll end up calling you when it's done (I'm talking months here). So, don't freak out like "I messed up" or "It's all my fault"...you did your best. I don't know if you'll be able to handle the fact that she has been with this other guy (or maybe you'll be over her by then), but anyway take this time to improve yourself, get emotionally stable (given the break up), and work on your commitment issues and you'll probably (I can't see the future sadly) get another shot (that she has to initiate).

 

Either way this seems like a pretty good thing for both of you. No matter how great the relationship was, you would've had to deal with these issues at some point.

Edited April 1, 2015 by DJOkawari

[coryreply]

I agree with the others. Take this time to work on you.

[spiderowl]

Yes, it sounds like you broke her heart more than a few times! If I had been through what she has with you, I would not be returning.

 

It might help you to talk to a therapist about your commitment issues. It may be that at your time of life, your instincts are telling you not to get tied down and that you are best just following instinct until it changes (if it does). Or, there might be something else going on.

 

My feeling is that it can't harm you to find out more about what drives you, especially if running from commitment is likely to sabotage any future relationships and therefore affect your own chances of happiness.