Kkristine Posted March 31, 2015 Posted March 31, 2015 A while back, my boyfriend used to talk about this specific coworker (he's her manager) in a very positive manner. He never talks about his work relationships, so I was curious about who she was. I found myself feeling insecure about it to the point that I would get on his Facebook and snoop around. His responses to her, both privately and publicly, are in a flirty and teasing manner. It didn't help that she is gorgeous. Nothing that "crosses the line" though. I was bothered by this, but I do trust him. Sure, he may have a crush on this girl, but I don't think he would ever PHYSICALLY act on it while being with me. Then... A few days ago, he finds out from another manager that this coworker is vindictive and a slacker at work and tells me. Keep in mind, it's been a few months since he's spoken about her to me. He has a terrible memory, so he probably forgot that he's talked about her before. He began from the beginning saying how he brought her to his team, she's always been a great worker, yada yada. I was thinking to myself... "Why do I care to know this?" The following day, he says, "Remember that girl I was talking about.. I was also told she has a crush on me." I ended up bringing it up in bed that same night, and he said, "That's why I didn't want to tell you because I knew you'd react like this." I asked him if it bothered him that she likes him, and he said, "A little." What bothers me right now is that he is still communicating via Facebook/Apps with her outside of work, while he's well aware this girl has feelings for him. At what point do I need to talk to him about it? My problem is that he has no idea I get on his iPad and snoop. He has no idea I know she exists online, and that they communicate outside of work. At what point is it crossing the line?
Ninjainpajamas Posted March 31, 2015 Posted March 31, 2015 Well she is gorgeous but he doesn't know for sure if she's interested, he's definitely interested in her but it depends on what his commitment is to your relationship...also he's probably not the most suave womanizer on the planet so he needs to take baby steps like most guys do just to even get in the realm of doing something with a woman whom is very likely out of his league, so he probably doesn't have the confidence or skill to get with a woman like her which is why in the end he'll probably not initiate anything and she'll end up with some douche as per normal but who is probably much more assertive and charming, and he'll be all yours again. And in the end you can just say it was because of his commitment to the relationship and be all happy...I'm sure this will pass for you just give it time. And eventually he'll get over his infatuation with her...hopefully, but yeah it's obviously because she's attractive, he's likely one out of many guys interested in her but can't pull the trigger of actually doing something about it, which is many a man's problem.
Buddhist Posted March 31, 2015 Posted March 31, 2015 (edited) You have to understand that men get crushes on other women all the time. The good news is they are the world's worst secret keepers and usually do as you've experienced, end up blabbing all about it to their SO's. There is something about that situation which makes them get verbal about it. Actually a guy constantly talking about another woman is a really reliable sign that either an affair is happening or imminent. If she meant nothing to him, he'd have no desire to ever discuss her. The second biggest sign of an affair is sudden affection coming from him. They do this almost in compensatory mode, come home and duff the gf to convince themselves they're not really guilty of anything. It's a strange psychology indeed but they are reliable indicators. How you handle this? I would have already left the relationship. But then you have to remember that I don't particularly cherish relationships with men, they are a convenience for me, and I'm happy to end them easily. If you don't want to do that then you confront him. You can do it like this.... I can't help but notice that you talk about this woman all the time. Is there something going on I should know about? Gauge the reaction, remember what you already know. Watch for an uncharacteristic change in behaviour. Make your choices from there. Edited March 31, 2015 by Buddhist
Gary S Posted April 1, 2015 Posted April 1, 2015 It depends on how much he loves you and how much integrity and maturity he has. If all those levels are high, he won't cheat. And as long as he's not hanging out with her one-on-one in what would look like a date, he can't cheat.
h0000 Posted April 1, 2015 Posted April 1, 2015 He doesn't sound very bright, your bf. I say you start talking about some guy coworkers to him
h0000 Posted April 1, 2015 Posted April 1, 2015 Well she is gorgeous but he doesn't know for sure if she's interested, he's definitely interested in her but it depends on what his commitment is to your relationship...also he's probably not the most suave womanizer on the planet so he needs to take baby steps like most guys do just to even get in the realm of doing something with a woman whom is very likely out of his league, so he probably doesn't have the confidence or skill to get with a woman like her which is why in the end he'll probably not initiate anything and she'll end up with some douche as per normal but who is probably much more assertive and charming, and he'll be all yours again. And in the end you can just say it was because of his commitment to the relationship and be all happy...I'm sure this will pass for you just give it time. And eventually he'll get over his infatuation with her...hopefully, but yeah it's obviously because she's attractive, he's likely one out of many guys interested in her but can't pull the trigger of actually doing something about it, which is many a man's problem. so you are saying most of the time guys don't cheat only because the other woman is out of his league...
angel.eyes Posted April 1, 2015 Posted April 1, 2015 If he's her manager, then he's downright stupid on so many levels. This can blow up in his face in so many different ways. And yes, I would have walked already. He's been lying to you about the nature of their relationship and blaming you when you ask questions. Defending whatever possibility he hopes he might get with her is more important than your feelings. That's how he's prioritizing. You have to ask where your boundaries lie. Then stick to them rather than excusing away his slippage from monogamy...and slippage is in progress.
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