cowboyway Posted April 13, 2005 Posted April 13, 2005 I need some advise. I had a girlfriend which I know was emotionally damaged damaged in the past from previous relationships. The question is regarding sex. She wanted sex all the time which I beleived was to feel loved. I however was satisfied with sex once or twice a week. In the start of our relationship of couse we had sex all the time, but with time that desire faded with outside stresses of life. I loved my girlfriend and did many things for her. I know I made the mistake of not showing her the affection that I should have without having sex. The thing is I avoided affection so we didin't have to have sex all the time. I know that is where I went wrong and tried to explain this to her, but to a deaf ear. she never beleived things I said or when I said I was sorry in the past. I guess I never knew how emotionally damaged she was, and the effect it would have on our relationship. After our relationship ended she got involved right away with someone else which I could not understand how someone who said they loved me and this was the best relationship they have ever been in, could just move on so fast, it has been seven moths and am still having a hard time thinking of being with someone else. I know I was not the best boyfriend, but I was not the worst by all means, it's hard to put everything in this post. I made a complete ass of myself trying to get her back. I did things I never thought I was capable of Calling her house and driving by. I guess it's because I really didn't get any closure, and I really loved her with all my heart, it is safe to say she hates me now. I guess another question I have is how can I tell if a girl has been emotionally damaged so I dont make the same mistake again. I have seen a counseler and he more less said I was the wrong person in counseling, but I guess it does not ease the pain.....
simon_uk Posted April 13, 2005 Posted April 13, 2005 That was the exact same problem I had with my x. She just wanted to be reassured all the time with affection but I didnt give it her. It wasnt because I didnt love her though. It was because we are different in that respect. My family never hugged and kissed when I was a child so I find it very very difficult to show affection. I wish I could though I really do! Take Care Simon
cowboyway Posted April 13, 2005 Posted April 13, 2005 I also grew up in a household like that without much affection. I did however change when I was with her. I called her all the time, told her I loved her multiple times a day. Always gave her a kiss when she got home, before bed time, and when she left. It was not like I was showing no affection. I guess the kicker was if she had a problem why didn't she sit me down and have a talk with me about why she was unhappy. No hinting around say hey there is a problem here. I would have done anything for her. I did that with her when things were bad right before our break up. I wanted to sit down and clear the air about things we didn't like about each other, by that time the damage was done. She said she was not a quitter, I disagree I was unhappy as well but I still loved her enough to try to work things out. I guess I dont understand why people give up so easy, even more so when they tell you all 2yrs of a relationship that they would never give up on you and would be devestated if you ever left them. I guess that why there is a 60% devorice rate...
clone Posted April 14, 2005 Posted April 14, 2005 maybe this is a cliche (spelling please ignore) but myself and i think most guys have alot of problems showign affection. When me and my ex first broke up she said she didnt feal loved at all cause i wouldnt cuddle with her and watch movies with her. But im on the same boat. my family didnt hug or anything. i mean im 23 and my dad gave me his first hug in 10 years cause he saw my so upset after me and my ex broke up. it was weird but in a way very nice to know he still cares. Only thing i can suggest is for this to be one big learning stone. Yes we have lsot the one that means more to us then anything on this planet incuding ourselfs. Let me take stab at what happened if i may, did she keep telling she doesnt feal loved and u said u are trying. Afer u broke up your mind got flooded with thoughts of how u could of been there more and moments u can remember where u should of been there. That is what happened to me and not a day goes by were i dont have regrets and beet myself up over it.
demonfall Posted April 14, 2005 Posted April 14, 2005 clone & cowboyway - I'm in the same boat with you 2. She told me it was like a one way street, which I don't understand. I told her I loved her all the time. I made myself miserable after the break up thinking about what i could have done differently. I eventually came to terms with the fact that it wasn't me, it was her. She could have come to me and explained what was wrong, but chose to bottle it all up instead.
Tamed Wildflower Posted April 14, 2005 Posted April 14, 2005 Originally posted by cowboyway After our relationship ended she got involved right away with someone else which I could not understand how someone who said they loved me and this was the best relationship they have ever been in, could just move on so fast, it has been seven moths and am still having a hard time thinking of being with someone else. As to this part, I doubt that the reason that she moved on to another guy so fast was because she got over you so quickly. If she really is "emotionally damaged", then I think her reaction to her emotional insecurity has been to become very emotionally needy, very clingy. Sounds like this is why she really needed physical demonstrations of affection from you all the time. And once she didn't have you anymore, she still had that desperate need for emotional attention, so she latched onto the next available guy very quickly. Lots of people who have not suffered grave emotional damage feel needy right after a break-up and attach themselves immediately to someone else. I would imagine that someone who does have issues with extreme emotional need would be especially likely to do this. So in short, it has nothing to do with being over YOU, and everything to do with needing SOMEONE. (If she can't have you, then anyone will have to suffice.)
cowboyway Posted April 14, 2005 Posted April 14, 2005 See She really never said anything point blank. Maybe little hints now that I have studied the relationship for 7 months. I would have thought if she was feeling un loved she would have came out and said so before it lead to the split. I know she was not a good communicator, but what happens now how do I tell if my next girlfriend is a good communicator or not. I mean I thought this girl was everything. Are most women like this, or do they talk about there feelings? I guess in my defense I was going though a lot when All this went down illness of my Father, downsizing at work. I mean couldn't she see that. I see so many people getting devoriced around me looking back, for the same reason. I just dont understand why people dont talk to there loved ones. I know that If I am unhappy I need to get it out. Why do so many people hold things inside?
clone Posted April 15, 2005 Posted April 15, 2005 I think there is no clear answer to your question. Why poeple hold stuff inside i would assume is from past family issues. Like myself my father never shows his emotions so i think that is were i get that quality from cause are family never really did much. But with girl and them being so shelltered from expressing them selves to. Man wish i could help u out. My ex was from a very broken up home and whos father never called her, even on her birthday he would call weeks later to say happy birthday. She would get so upset fealing not even her own family loved her. Well when i didnt show her that I loved her Im postitive those old fealings came back so she ran from me. Well I think for yourself and what im going ot have to try to do is try to talk abotu these things with new gf's. I mean dont lets this be the first major converstaion on date 2 or anything but when u feal comfortable about talking to her about alot more things bring it up. Let her know that this has been major issues in the past relationships. I would think if the girl has a brain she would understand this cause the girl im seeing is very understantable and does not hide what shes fealing. Oh yea one more thing, I just realised seeing a new girl doesnt help at all getting over your ex. wish it did
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