elaine567 Posted April 2, 2015 Posted April 2, 2015 C'mon, stuff like this happens all the time. Someone can't be a good person because they took a ONS home? Please. This is one major pitfall of posting on LS for advice—you end up getting strong opinions from people who have limited information. He think she's a good woman because he's gotten to know her and cares about her. That happens in every relationship—we care for someone and develop blinders to their lesser qualities. As far as her saying things like, "it's about time someone took care of me," sure it sounds entitled, but we have no idea what the context was, her own history, and how much she truly meant it. Besides, haven't we all carried unrealistic relationship expectation around with us from time to time? Agreed. bashing single mothers seems to be a given on here sometimes. They have to be seen as promiscuous, needy, money grabbing and all out to trap unwary men into terrible relationships. She is a young woman with a child who earns reasonable money, more than the OP anyway. They have been together 10 months and they have discussed living together. She is bound to be extra careful about finances, she needs to be. She may appear "selfish", she needs to be. She has a child to look after. She may appear to be hanging back, but i thought the OP was hanging back, he already said he took her for granted, he already said he was not sure if he was ready to be her partner... I guess she tested him and he is just not showing he is ready to make the commitment, so she has gone distant to protect her heart.
Author newguy1008 Posted April 2, 2015 Author Posted April 2, 2015 Agreed. bashing single mothers seems to be a given on here sometimes. They have to be seen as promiscuous, needy, money grabbing and all out to trap unwary men into terrible relationships. She is a young woman with a child who earns reasonable money, more than the OP anyway. They have been together 10 months and they have discussed living together. She is bound to be extra careful about finances, she needs to be. She may appear "selfish", she needs to be. She has a child to look after. She may appear to be hanging back, but i thought the OP was hanging back, he already said he took her for granted, he already said he was not sure if he was ready to be her partner... I guess she tested him and he is just not showing he is ready to make the commitment, so she has gone distant to protect her heart. And I do think you are right too. But I was clear as to why. I want to be her partner but finances would have made it difficult for me. I let her know this. It wasn't because I didn't want to. But let me know if I'm putting too much into this. When we hooked up she had a box of condoms, yet she had only been with four guys before me her entire life...I think she lied. Don't care about the number but I have never lied to her about anything. I mean don't tell the guy you are taking home you are not that type of lady. I really don't care abt how many but when she asked to know everything about me I didn't lie at least. She was a natural when she approached me.
Author newguy1008 Posted April 2, 2015 Author Posted April 2, 2015 I hope I don't offend anyone with that last post. I was no angel.
Gaeta Posted April 2, 2015 Posted April 2, 2015 A But let me know if I'm putting too much into this. When we hooked up she had a box of condoms, yet she had only been with four guys before me her entire life...I think she lied. Don't care about the number but I have never lied to her about anything. I mean don't tell the guy you are taking home you are not that type of lady. I really don't care abt how many but when she asked to know everything about me I didn't lie at least. She was a natural when she approached me. The box of condoms means nothing. I have condoms at my house and I don't bring ONS over. 1
losangelena Posted April 2, 2015 Posted April 2, 2015 When we hooked up she had a box of condoms, yet she had only been with four guys before me her entire life...I think she lied. Has she had a habit of lying about other things? I thought maybe having a box of condoms would make someone appear responsible, especially after having an unwanted pregnancy, but instead you assume that she lied and has guys over all the time? I can see that maybe you have trouble looking on the bright side of things, OP. Honest question, and I think katie asked this as well (maybe you answered, I don't remember), but what do you like about this woman? Why have you stayed with her for 10 months if all she is is a manipulative, lying, ill-tempered, bad communicator?
elaine567 Posted April 2, 2015 Posted April 2, 2015 And I do think you are right too. But I was clear as to why. I want to be her partner but finances would have made it difficult for me. I let her know this. It wasn't because I didn't want to. But let me know if I'm putting too much into this. When we hooked up she had a box of condoms, yet she had only been with four guys before me her entire life...I think she lied. Don't care about the number but I have never lied to her about anything. I mean don't tell the guy you are taking home you are not that type of lady. I really don't care abt how many but when she asked to know everything about me I didn't lie at least. She was a natural when she approached me. You are now saying you don't want to move in with her, so that is obviously why she is distant, because on her part the relationship has stalled and is going no further. If your reason for not moving in, is "financial" then that is not going to change and will be seen by her as an excuse. I guess, the relationship reached a stage where it had to go forward or fold, you weren't prepared to make that commitment to her, so it has run its course Now you are trying to justify your part in all of this, by suggesting she is a loose woman...
Author newguy1008 Posted April 2, 2015 Author Posted April 2, 2015 You are now saying you don't want to move in with her, so that is obviously why she is distant, because on her part the relationship has stalled and is going no further. If your reason for not moving in, is "financial" then that is not going to change and will be seen by her as an excuse. I guess, the relationship reached a stage where it had to go forward or fold, you weren't prepared to make that commitment to her, so it has run its course Now you are trying to justify your part in all of this, by suggesting she is a loose woman... Yea reading what I wrote was an smh moment. Didn't really see her like that. But at first I did think this. But I didn't care. I think that my situation now is bringing back things I remember her telling me and my thick skull is making me jump to conclusions. Sorry for being all over the place. Trying to go back and read everything so that I clean up any misconceptions. As to why I care about her... She is smart, the fact that she takes care of her daughter shows responsibilty. She she would always let me know that she was thinking of me. I work nights so we only saw each other on the weekends. But I would always go over there. I apologize if I contradict myself in some of these posts. I'm just trying to answer things as best I can.
Author newguy1008 Posted April 2, 2015 Author Posted April 2, 2015 I cannot wait for that talk. I have a feeling I'm going to learn a lot about myself and her.
Author newguy1008 Posted April 2, 2015 Author Posted April 2, 2015 Just had another thought. And a out of time since I can't get off here.... But, I also wonder if she had issues with my job. My hours are 5pm to 5am. I've always talked about wanting another job that paid better. I'm a machinist now. But I have a degree that I need to use. I am thinking that as much as I wanted a new job, I wasn't putting too much effort into it as I should have been until recently. This may have bothered her. She always told me that I deserved better. Not to offend machinist out there. But oil and gas isn't hot right now. Damn slow. But I think my lack of effort may have bothered her. It bothered me too but I didn't exactly have a lot of time on my hands.
Author newguy1008 Posted April 4, 2015 Author Posted April 4, 2015 Well....we broke up. Basically came down to me not being g ready. She looked so confident and I was not good. Wish I was stronger. She said she needsto focus on her daughter. I get it. I know iI'll be OK but my heart is in pieces right now.
katiegrl Posted April 4, 2015 Posted April 4, 2015 Well....we broke up. Basically came down to me not being g ready. She looked so confident and I was not good. Wish I was stronger. She said she needsto focus on her daughter. I get it. I know iI'll be OK but my heart is in pieces right now. You dodged a huge bullet... you will realize this later. She was no piece of cheesecake...you will realize this later too. Sorry you're hurting now though.... ((hugs)) 1
elaine567 Posted April 4, 2015 Posted April 4, 2015 Well....we broke up. Basically came down to me not being g ready. She looked so confident and I was not good. Wish I was stronger. She said she needsto focus on her daughter. I get it. I know iI'll be OK but my heart is in pieces right now. OK, take your time to heal and then take her lead regarding focus, you need to refocus on your career and start using that degree.
GemmaUK Posted April 4, 2015 Posted April 4, 2015 Just one thing, her comment about 'it's about time someone took care of me'. My immediate thought was that it was followed by or the context actually was 'instead of me always taking care of them'. She actually sounds like she has been a pretty great girlfriend but needed equality in terms of support and consideration. Often just little things can seriously take up the slack of the responsibilities but that depends on if you really are a team and discuss that kind of thing when in a relationship. Without discussion relationships can be a lot more askew than they appear to be. JMO though.
Author newguy1008 Posted April 4, 2015 Author Posted April 4, 2015 Just one thing, her comment about 'it's about time someone took care of me'. My immediate thought was that it was followed by or the context actually was 'instead of me always taking care of them'. She actually sounds like she has been a pretty great girlfriend but needed equality in terms of support and consideration. Often just little things can seriously take up the slack of the responsibilities but that depends on if you really are a team and discuss that kind of thing when in a relationship. Without discussion relationships can be a lot more askew than they appear to be. JMO though. Hey I thought about this and it was a factor in all this. I realized this and admitted to it being a factor. I know where I went wrong. I'm the type to analyze everything g except I do it when its too late. I know my faults. I know what I need to work on. I'll be fine. I need to work on me and then maybe things will work out with someone. But I'mmy ppriorityow. Just me. But I want tothank everyone for all of the advice and eencouragement. And to Katie....first internet hug in my life....actually meant something to me so thank you. Not good with forums so the rest of Katie'sscreen name is a blur to me right now. Don't know how to quote multiple post in one post either. My bad.
Gaeta Posted April 4, 2015 Posted April 4, 2015 Well....we broke up. Basically came down to me not being g ready. She looked so confident and I was not good. Wish I was stronger. She said she needsto focus on her daughter. I get it. I know iI'll be OK but my heart is in pieces right now. Oh I am so sorry newguy! What did it mean for her 'you are not ready', did she mean you were not ready to provide for her financially? If so then yes you are better off splitting. She is obviously not in this for love but for the financial security. She is very contradicting, first she says she wants the white picket fence dream with you, now she says she needs to concentrate on her daughter. Hang in there, you will see soon it's better this way.
Author newguy1008 Posted April 5, 2015 Author Posted April 5, 2015 I think she meant I wasn't ready for her or her daughter. Wondering if she really cared about me to begin with. Thank you for the advice everyone.just kind of sad today.
Author newguy1008 Posted April 5, 2015 Author Posted April 5, 2015 Oh I am so sorry newguy! What did it mean for her 'you are not ready', did she mean you were not ready to provide for her financially? If so then yes you are better off splitting. She is obviously not in this for love but for the financial security. She is very contradicting, first she says she wants the white picket fence dream with you, now she says she needs to concentrate on her daughter. Hang in there, you will see soon it's better this way. I wonder about this. I really love her. She said she needs to focus 110% on her daughter. She is moving back in with her dad to save money. But I think it does have to do with finances. I want to so badly be with her and assure her things will be OK. But I know i can't do that.
Author newguy1008 Posted April 5, 2015 Author Posted April 5, 2015 I read some of the stories on here about inifelity and I can't even imagine how people can deal that. I feel so weak. I want to be with her. I'm just so miserable right now.
Gaeta Posted April 5, 2015 Posted April 5, 2015 I wonder about this. I really love her. She said she needs to focus 110% on her daughter. She is moving back in with her dad to save money. But I think it does have to do with finances. I want to so badly be with her and assure her things will be OK. But I know i can't do that. There you have it. That is exactly what she meant when she accused you of not being ready for her and her daughter. She meant to take care of them financially. How financially responsible can she be herself if she makes more money than you and on top of that has child support - and needs to move in with her father to make ends meets. How can her relationship with you be about love when she ditches you for not taking care of her bills? Isn't love suppose to be about 'for better and for worse'? Apparently she was in it for the better part only. 2
Author newguy1008 Posted April 6, 2015 Author Posted April 6, 2015 This really sucks. I miss her. I want to hold her. No idea how it got to this. Went from being loving and affectionate to stone cold. She was so strong. She showed no emotions. Wondering if she had planned this. This is breaking me. She told me that single independent mothers like her ways had trouble with relationships. But I really wanted to be that ssomeone for her. I keep holding on to hope that I shouldn't hold on to. I hate this feeling. I feel so weak and pathetic . I even cried in front of her yesterday. Hate this.
katiegrl Posted April 6, 2015 Posted April 6, 2015 (edited) This really sucks. I miss her. I want to hold her. No idea how it got to this. Went from being loving and affectionate to stone cold. She was so strong. She showed no emotions. Wondering if she had planned this. This is breaking me. She told me that single independent mothers like her ways had trouble with relationships. But I really wanted to be that ssomeone for her. I keep holding on to hope that I shouldn't hold on to. I hate this feeling. I feel so weak and pathetic . I even cried in front of her yesterday. Hate this. Might I suggest you see a therapist? It appears you are heading into "obsession* territory here ...which is not a good place to be. Also, while I believe venting and expressing emotions is good...sometimes when you continue to do so.... it can result in your remaining "stuck"... which can prevent you from moving on. It's over. It sucks. But life goes on. Learn from it and take steps to move forward. Wallowing in self pity doesn't resolve anything. I am sorry you're hurting, but you WILL get over this. In the meantime, therapy helps... and maybe some chocolate too... Edited April 6, 2015 by katiegrl 1
Gaeta Posted April 6, 2015 Posted April 6, 2015 Honey it's normal to feel that way, you have a big deep hartbreak. It will hurt for a while then it will slowly get better. Don't expect it to be gone in a week. Her indifference shows she was not feeling as deep for you as you are feeling for her. It's better to be broken up. You don't know but through this relationship you have over looked many red-flags. You will be able to identify them soon, it's all gonna get back to you. You hang in there, reach to your friends and family, don't stay alone.
Author newguy1008 Posted April 6, 2015 Author Posted April 6, 2015 i am considering some therapy. I feel down. I sure as heck hope im not being obsessive. she even texted me last night..."hey u, hope you and your family had a good easter"....seriously. you just ripped my heart out. how do you think my easter was. I didn't respond. on the plus side I did have in interview this morning. went well. marketing firm. going in for a second on Friday. hoping this helps me focus on me. I haven't been to the gym in a few weeks either. i just have no motivation. but i need to go.
Author newguy1008 Posted April 6, 2015 Author Posted April 6, 2015 wanted to thank everyone one who chimed in on this thread. appreciate it. probably going to start a new one since im no longer dating.
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