thecharade Posted April 2, 2015 Posted April 2, 2015 I feel so badly for you. Your pain is evident in your posts. There are a million ways of looking at this, especially with a nuanced situation like yours. Nobody is all wrong or all right. It is possible, being a woman myself, that she is thinking, "I really love this guy and it's been a year--why are we NOT making serious plans?" And she has a right to her own feelings. BUT, you are the one posting here, the one in pain. And it seems that if she really loves you (not just wants you or needs you) she would want you to feel content and fulfilled in your own decisions. Her possible selfishness is not the hallmark of a solid relationship. That does not mean we can't be wrong! Or that she won't be sorry! People are not perfect! Maybe give her a chance? But don't bend too far. She owes you just as much as you owe her when it comes to respect and consideration. You should feel the equality in the relationship. Do not settle for less. I hope she comes through for you. 1
Author newguy1008 Posted April 2, 2015 Author Posted April 2, 2015 (edited) Thank you everyone for the advice and your opinions. I know I really need to stop over thinking all of this. I did ask her to tell me if this was salvageable and she said she would have told me already if it wasn't. So I guess I should just go from there. But I am most certainly let her know that we need to communicate better. She had her faults too that she doesn't seem to think about too much. But to let all you know, when I mentioned that I was taking her for granted, I was referring to the fact that I was staying over there all the time without giving her anything. I mean I cleaned but that was it. I just find it pathetic that I'm beating myself up over this. On a better note. My job is safe for now. But still want to find a new one.... and one quick question... Do you guys think I should even bother saying good night to her? I feel like it may have bothered her that I didn't last night. As much as I don't want to blow up her phone I don't want her to think that I don't care or that I'm pissed at her. Many thanks!! Edited April 2, 2015 by newguy1008 forgot a question
stillafool Posted April 2, 2015 Posted April 2, 2015 You were okay in not saying good night to her. She's a grown woman not a child. Plus it seems to me she is taking you for granted expecting you to help her pay her bills. The nerve. I think you should dump her.
angel.eyes Posted April 2, 2015 Posted April 2, 2015 If you're spending a lot of time at her place and constantly raiding her fridge, it's a thoughtful gesture to buy her groceries when you visit, especially since she's struggling financially. But earlier, you said this: ...She wants me to help out financially. Which I try to. I understand she has a lot of bills and that she can get stressed out over it. But I think she saw that I was worried about if I would be able to help her out with as much as she had asked. So, she isn't asking you to help her with her bills? Either way, be pleasant and text her good night. I personally think it's mean and unattractive to withhold affection just because you're having a disagreement. 2
katiegrl Posted April 2, 2015 Posted April 2, 2015 So she gets child support plus her salary and can't manage. I would not move in with her especially since she is already expecting you to pay her bills. First of all tell her you are not a damn mind reader or psychic and you do not take hints. Tell her to tell you what she wants in a mature manner or don't bother. On second thought don't tell her anything this woman wants to use you. Don't move in. He is also not a damn bank!! OP listen to ^^ and to fitnessfan!! DON'T be giving her any money...it's not your place OR your responsibility to do that. Good grief...she sounds like a major manipulator. There are some HUGE red flags here dude....DON'T ignore them! 1
Gaeta Posted April 2, 2015 Posted April 2, 2015 He is also not a damn bank!! OP listen to ^^ and to fitnessfan!! DON'T be giving her any money...it's not your place OR your responsibility to do that. Good grief...she sounds like a major manipulator. There are some HUGE red flags here dude....DON'T ignore them! New information: OP stayed at her place all the time and never helped with the groceries. That is shameful. She is a single mom, she has enough on her plate without having to feed a grown man. You know how much a man can eat over a weekend? When my ex-boyfriend stayed over for a weekend I put in an extra $80. If I had been on a fragile budget that would have ruined me. SO OP: You need to pinch in!! If she has been feeding you for the last year you need to buy groceries and help her in little ways like filling her car with gas once in a while. I can't believe you stayed there as much as you said and never helped! 1
katiegrl Posted April 2, 2015 Posted April 2, 2015 New information: OP stayed at her place all the time and never helped with the groceries. That is shameful. She is a single mom, she has enough on her plate without having to feed a grown man. You know how much a man can eat over a weekend? When my ex-boyfriend stayed over for a weekend I put in an extra $80. If I had been on a fragile budget that would have ruined me. SO OP: You need to pinch in!! If she has been feeding you for the last year you need to buy groceries and help her in little ways like filling her car with gas once in a while. I can't believe you stayed there as much as you said and never helped! Sorry I must've missed that..did he say he never helped with groceries? I read in one of his posts he tried to help her out (financially) as much as he could! There seems to a disconnect there...
katiegrl Posted April 2, 2015 Posted April 2, 2015 Thank you everyone for the advice and your opinions. I know I really need to stop over thinking all of this. I did ask her to tell me if this was salvageable and she said she would have told me already if it wasn't. So I guess I should just go from there. But I am most certainly let her know that we need to communicate better. She had her faults too that she doesn't seem to think about too much. But to let all you know, when I mentioned that I was taking her for granted, I was referring to the fact that I was staying over there all the time without giving her anything. I mean I cleaned but that was it. I just find it pathetic that I'm beating myself up over this. On a better note. My job is safe for now. But still want to find a new one.... and one quick question... Do you guys think I should even bother saying good night to her? I feel like it may have bothered her that I didn't last night. As much as I don't want to blow up her phone I don't want her to think that I don't care or that I'm pissed at her. Many thanks!! newguy...I missed this ^^ earlier. Can you clarify .... when you say you never gave her anything when you stayed over...do you mean money for food, etc.? Were you eating the food *she* bought without contributing back? If so, NOT cool....
katiegrl Posted April 2, 2015 Posted April 2, 2015 Post # 27...................... Thanks...I just read it...
stillafool Posted April 2, 2015 Posted April 2, 2015 OP, pay for your food when you are at her house. Do not sit around eating up the food she has provided for her children. Bring bags of food when you stay over and eat or take them out. However, do not help her with the bills.
Author newguy1008 Posted April 2, 2015 Author Posted April 2, 2015 OP, pay for your food when you are at her house. Do not sit around eating up the food she has provided for her children. Bring bags of food when you stay over and eat or take them out. However, do not help her with the bills. Ok so its not like I didn't give her anything. one thing that I now feel like I have to mention is that I actually bought her the bed she sleeps on. her old bed was not in good shape. and on several occasions I helped her with her child's daycare. as far as food goes. i would bring her breakfast often. take her out to lunches and dinners as well. groceries a few times too. the reason i said that I didn't really help with much is because that's how she was beginning to make me feel. sorry for not being more specific. and i appreciate everyone's advice. this site is eye opening. ill assume ill be getting flack for helping with daycare but those were times she really needed it. i had no problem doing that those few times. but at times she really did make me feel like she was getting absolutely nothing in return. that wasn't the case. but i do wish i was in a position to help out with more. the only time i ate her food were the times she cooked for me or ordered a pizza.
Gaeta Posted April 2, 2015 Posted April 2, 2015 I don't see anything wrong with helping the woman you love. I have a problem with her thinking it's your duty to help her financially for bills that are not your concerns. How did she manage financially before you met her? Has she been on her own for a while or she goes from boyfriend to boyfriend? Do you think she is smart with her money?
Author newguy1008 Posted April 2, 2015 Author Posted April 2, 2015 I don't see anything wrong with helping the woman you love. I have a problem with her thinking it's your duty to help her financially for bills that are not your concerns. How did she manage financially before you met her? Has she been on her own for a while or she goes from boyfriend to boyfriend? Do you think she is smart with her money? She seemed to had managed fine when she was on her own. She makes a decent amount more than me. From what she tells me she was married for 8 years. that ended in divorce. She then met someone from her work. Started dating, forgot the condom, and then a daughter is born. I met her about a year after she served him with child support papers. It was supposed to be a one night stand (she picked me up) but I called her and took her to lunch and it took off from there. things were really good up until about a month ago. she said she was never like that. But that doesn't explain the box of condoms she had. Guess its good she practices safe sex. I think I have a lot to think about. Need to have that talk with her soon.
Gaeta Posted April 2, 2015 Posted April 2, 2015 She seemed to had managed fine when she was on her own. She makes a decent amount more than me. From what she tells me she was married for 8 years. that ended in divorce. She then met someone from her work. Started dating, forgot the condom, and then a daughter is born. I met her about a year after she served him with child support papers. It was supposed to be a one night stand (she picked me up) but I called her and took her to lunch and it took off from there. things were really good up until about a month ago. she said she was never like that. But that doesn't explain the box of condoms she had. Guess its good she practices safe sex. I think I have a lot to think about. Need to have that talk with her soon. You 2 were only suppose to meet for a ONS I hope with all my heart you 2 use protection because if she gets pregnant again I bet you she won't go for an abortion and will take you to the cleaner. I am getting a very different image of her now.
Author newguy1008 Posted April 2, 2015 Author Posted April 2, 2015 You 2 were only suppose to meet for a ONS I hope with all my heart you 2 use protection because if she gets pregnant again I bet you she won't go for an abortion and will take you to the cleaner. I am getting a very different image of her now. We do use protection. I really do believe she is a good woman. We met, she took me home. We had a fun weekend. I called her. Had lunch, started dating. That's how it started. I mentioned this in an earlier post..."its about time someone took care of me" is what she said to me a while back. I don't think she meant it in a selfish way but at the same time I know she wishes I made more money. She wants a house with a back yard and all that. So do I. But I cant at the moment. I really don't mean to paint her in a negative light. She really is a good woman. The times we talked I always tried to mention that I was going to do my best to come out on top. I was never exactly the most financially responsible person. That started changing a couple of years ago and I am already 30. Feel ashamed about that fact. I live paycheck to paycheck and I know that bothers her. But I am trying to do better. I have some really manageable short term goals that would come to fruition with a new better paying job. I am sure she wants to see more effort from me to get that accomplished. But like I said, it was hard knowing that given our communication issues. I thought everything was fine so it never really worried me until recently. Hope this made sense. And thank you everyone.
katiegrl Posted April 2, 2015 Posted April 2, 2015 We do use protection. I really do believe she is a good woman. We met, she took me home. We had a fun weekend. I called her. Had lunch, started dating. That's how it started. I mentioned this in an earlier post..."its about time someone took care of me" is what she said to me a while back. I don't think she meant it in a selfish way but at the same time I know she wishes I made more money. She wants a house with a back yard and all that. So do I. But I cant at the moment. I really don't mean to paint her in a negative light. She really is a good woman. The times we talked I always tried to mention that I was going to do my best to come out on top. I was never exactly the most financially responsible person. That started changing a couple of years ago and I am already 30. Feel ashamed about that fact. I live paycheck to paycheck and I know that bothers her. But I am trying to do better. I have some really manageable short term goals that would come to fruition with a new better paying job. I am sure she wants to see more effort from me to get that accomplished. But like I said, it was hard knowing that given our communication issues. I thought everything was fine so it never really worried me until recently. Hope this made sense. And thank you everyone. So what's so "good" about her? So far I haven't read anything about her that sounds even remotely good. All I am seeing is her behaving selfishly and you "not thinking" she *means* to be selfish. You are making assumptions about her being "good" based on what? Wishful thinking? There is nothing there.... you are fooling yourself. But I suppose you will just have to learn that the hard way.... Good luck. 1
Gaeta Posted April 2, 2015 Posted April 2, 2015 We do use protection. I really do believe she is a good woman. We met, she took me home. We had a fun weekend. I called her. Had lunch, started dating. That's how it started. She is a good woman for taking a ONS to her home? I mentioned this in an earlier post..."its about time someone took care of me" is what she said to me a while back. I don't think she meant it in a selfish way but at the same time I know she wishes I made more money. She wants a house with a back yard and all that. Then she can get herself her own damn house!! Why is it YOUR responsibility to put her up in a decent home? Yes you live paycheck to paycheck but what is she doing? Apparently she makes more money than you, gets child support, and still find a way to ask you for money and a home? How long have you been dating? 2
katiegrl Posted April 2, 2015 Posted April 2, 2015 ">>It's about time someone took care of me."<< If that remark isn't self-serving and self-entitled.... what do you *think* it is? Just curious...as your perception seems off, especially in light of the fact she makes more money than you... AND gets child support! 1
Author newguy1008 Posted April 2, 2015 Author Posted April 2, 2015 She is a good woman for taking a ONS to her home? Then she can get herself her own damn house!! Why is it YOUR responsibility to put her up in a decent home? Yes you live paycheck to paycheck but what is she doing? Apparently she makes more money than you, gets child support, and still find a way to ask you for money and a home? How long have you been dating? One of the many red flags that I'm starting to realize. Anther thing I raised was that she is the type that expects the man to take care of everything. She makes about 20,000 more than me. Reading these posts is really starting to make me think. We have been together over 10 months. Which is something else I'd been thinking about. I'm feeling rushed now.
Author newguy1008 Posted April 2, 2015 Author Posted April 2, 2015 ">>It's about time someone took care of me."<< If that remark isn't self-serving and self-entitled.... what do you *think* it is? Just curious...as your perception seems off, especially in light of the fact she makes more money than you... AND gets child support! You are right. My mind is so skewed right now. I'm noticing how I'm finding excuses for her. But to what your question, at the time I thought she really cared about me enough to settle down with me. That's why I thought she said it. I saw it as her thinking " I love this guy and I want to be with him and I want him to take care me the way my exes couldn't".. Funny thing, her sisters bf has been a great friend with all of this. He went through hell with her sister. Then she went back to him after she has some fun. Right now he cares about her but he knows he can take care of himself it she leaves. He's trying to drive that thought into my head. Her sister is very manipulative too.
losangelena Posted April 2, 2015 Posted April 2, 2015 She is a good woman for taking a ONS to her home? Then she can get herself her own damn house!! Why is it YOUR responsibility to put her up in a decent home? Yes you live paycheck to paycheck but what is she doing? Apparently she makes more money than you, gets child support, and still find a way to ask you for money and a home? How long have you been dating? Gaeta, they've been together for about a year—he said it in his first post. C'mon, stuff like this happens all the time. Someone can't be a good person because they took a ONS home? Please. This is one major pitfall of posting on LS for advice—you end up getting strong opinions from people who have limited information. He think she's a good woman because he's gotten to know her and cares about her. That happens in every relationship—we care for someone and develop blinders to their lesser qualities. As far as her saying things like, "it's about time someone took care of me," sure it sounds entitled, but we have no idea what the context was, her own history, and how much she truly meant it. Besides, haven't we all carried unrealistic relationship expectation around with us from time to time? OP, you know your own situation best. From your posts, it seems as if a conversation about expectations, as well as better communication and better boundaries around issues of money are in order. Get yourself sorted in terms of what YOU WANT out of the relationship moving forward and try to come to some sort of understanding. If you can't, then you walk. That is all you can do at this point. Take what's said here with a grain of salt. 1
Author newguy1008 Posted April 2, 2015 Author Posted April 2, 2015 All of the advice that has been given hadls been extremely helpful to me in seeing things in a different light. I appreciate everyone here. Its making me reconsider this situation. I want to try and see if we can talk tonight. But a good friend wants to hang out. Thinking about giving her more time to think. But I will def make sure I will let my feelings known too, and if she doesn't want to talk tonight well then I'll let her decide when. But I'm also startng to feel that she doesn't even care about my desire to talk about this.
Gaeta Posted April 2, 2015 Posted April 2, 2015 C'mon, stuff like this happens all the time. Someone can't be a good person because they took a ONS home? Please. I think a woman lacks in judgement when she brings a pure strangers to her home. I don't care how many women do it, it's a lack of common sense and judgement. Where was her child during that time? I know a single dad that brings tons of ONS to his house while his 8 yo son is sleeping. "it's about time someone took care of me," sure it sounds entitled, but we have no idea what the context was, Yes, it's in the context of him paying bills and providing a house. 1
Author newguy1008 Posted April 2, 2015 Author Posted April 2, 2015 I think a woman lacks in judgement when she brings a pure strangers to her home. I don't care how many women do it, it's a lack of common sense and judgement. Where was her child during that time? I know a single dad that brings tons of ONS to his house while his 8 yo son is sleeping. Yes, it's in the context of him paying bills and providing a house. On that weekend her daughter was with the father. As much as I participated in that ons. I should have taken it as a red flag then and there.
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