wantnotshould Posted March 31, 2015 Posted March 31, 2015 This might not be the best place to post this but you guys are so responsive. I feel like I might get a better understanding on what to do in order to help myself. My therapist described me as a perfectionist and having a very big analyst mind. She told me that if I learned to use my skills towards accomplishing something I would be able to do great things. She mentioned that the combination of traits I have are those of CEO's and big innovators. I don't trust myself. I'm terrified of failure. I have learned to "get by" doing minimal effort. I have been a "follower" and have devised ways in which I can make following easier for myself. Therefore, I never feel accomplished. On every accomplishment I think to myself, well I could have done better, and I was just sneaky enough to get away with it. When graduating with my bachelors I remember thinking: "Yeah well, I could have done this faster and could have done better. I guess I'll feel accomplished when I finish my masters." Nothing I do is enough to make me feel accomplished. I also am always thinking differently than others. I'm a naturally curious person. I always want to research about new things. This is why she says I should be an innovator. However, I don't want to lead people towards failure, so I tend to stay in the background. Now with the break up. It's been 2 months since we broke up. Every time I get down, I start bashing on myself hard (perfectionist). I get angry at myself for not being over it already. It's counter productive. I feel like a failure because I haven't succeeded in getting over her. How do I get over the fear of failing? How do I get over being a perfectionist? How can I use my mind for the good rather than for finding creative ways to bash myself? I want to feel accomplished in life. In order to do that I need to stop hushing myself and actually go out there and risk failing. How do I get myself to do this?
ZiggyZoo Posted March 31, 2015 Posted March 31, 2015 You need to actually fail and get back up again, I think, to see that it's not the end of the world. Or change what "fail" means. What does your therapist suggest you do to help you? It sounds like changing your inner dialogue and reaction to events might help, so you won't see things so black and white. I have done CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) and it has helped me to change how I react to things and what my perception of them is. For example, with this breakup it really, really helped me to see what part I played in it, and what part I DIDN'T play. You basically take an event, and look at your reaction to that event, and change what your reaction is based on actual facts, not emotions. I know that you probably know this, but two months is not nearly enough time to get over someone. You should try to consciously cut yourself some slack here, and maybe set a more realistic timeline? I can't remember off the top of my head how long you two were together, but it was longer than a year, right? And she took up with someone else right away? Both of those things hurt like hell, and you shouldn't expect to be anywhere near recovered right now. Shoot, I'd be surprised if you still didn't have feelings for your ex at this point. I can completely understand being frustrated by not being where you want to be in getting over a heartbreak. But look at how far you've come. You HAVE made some progress, and you should be proud of this.
Author wantnotshould Posted March 31, 2015 Author Posted March 31, 2015 Hey Ziggy, thank you for answering. We were together for 4 years. I'm not aware if she's with someone already. I don't want to know either. My therapist suggested to try and change my perception of failure in my brain. I don't know how to start though. She also suggested I used CBT techniques. My issue is I am not consistent and don't realize what I'm telling myself half the time. How did you maintain consistency in CBT? It is quite tedious, how did you make yourself follow through?
ZiggyZoo Posted March 31, 2015 Posted March 31, 2015 Ah, four years, gotcha. Well see, that's even more reason to not beat yourself up. Two months is nothing as far as getting over that... I had a therapist who counseled me one-on-one and led CBT groups to learn and practice the techniques. I went to these every week for six months. That helped immensely, having someone help me guide my thoughts and figure them out. That can be tricky sometimes, figuring out where they should best be changed. And having others to bounce ideas off was great too. But it does take work to use the techniques. A lot of catching negative thoughts as they happen and changing them. It gets easier. And with you being analytical, you might start to enjoy it. I wonder what she meant by changing the perception of failure in your brain. I know that when I'm anxious or scared of something happening, I'll imagine the worst case scenario. It helps me to realize that to get to there would take several steps and a whole lot of cause and effect. And that the likelihood of it happening like that is actually pretty small. Maybe you could try that? Or realizing that, like being frustrated with not being over your ex, doesn't mean failure, it just means you're not where you want to be. And that's ok, I feel it myself sometimes with this breakup. But that's not failure at all, it's more just needing to change expectations and make a more reasonable timeline. I could see how being too hard on yourself and expecting something kind of unreasonable could be seen as failure, for sure. But it isn't at all. That make sense?
Recommended Posts