Boyfriend can't handle my axiety & depression

[mohio01]

My boyfriend and I have been together for over two years, and we had our ups and downs, but overall, we were very happy together. To me, it seemed like we had a very healthy relationship.

But about 6 months ago, I began to suffer from anxiety/panic attacks really bad. I would accuse my boyfriend of things he would never do. I also suffer from manic depression, which made it even more difficult. But we made it work anyway: we were really happy together, and we are also best friends.

But a few days ago, I called him while I was crying. I had an axiety attack and was feeling depressed, and had to cry. I also just wanted to hear his voice. But his reaction is not what I had expected.

He began shouting at me over the phone: I should't call him when I'm feeling depressed, cause that makes him extremey nervous. Hearing me cry makes him hate me.

And whenever I tried to explain my situation and that I would appriciate if he didn't react that way, he would repeat 'Boooooriiing' like a child.

I know that he is very stressed because of his work and lack of sleep, but this reaction was too much for me...

And the thing is: He doesn't 'believe' in anxiety disorder, and doesn't understand depression. And he doesn't understand that I don't understand my panic attacks myself, and that's the hardest part.

I try to explain everything in a very practical way, even with lists about "what to say to someone who deals with panic attacks", but he thinks it's bull, and refuses to read them.

I love him and I still consider him as my best friend, but his reaction hurts me, and the 'boooriiiing' made me hate him. But I still love him.

I don't know what to do... Would it still be useful to talk to him and try to have a conversation? Or should I give up and move on with my own life and its problems?

[Diezel]

Break up with him. This situation isn't going to get any better until he wants to be a part of the solution. Clearly all those times you accused him of things he didn't do, built up some resentment and some walls up around him. Regardless of that, he just isn't sympathetic to what is happening to you, so it's pointless to stay.

 

Staying will only further hurt any progress you could make.

[TigerCub]

Hey OP,

 

Sorry you suffer from depression and anxiety. That is really tough.

 

Your bf's reaction was childish and hurtful - but maybe he's had enough.

I know you can't help what you're going through, but dealing with someone that's constantly depressed and crying and has panic attacks and due to their anxiety any little thing freaks them out and makes them cry and stress is exhausting and not everyone can put up with it for so long.

 

Even if one loved their SO, it takes a LOT of patience to constantly talk their SO down from the ledge and it take a LOT to not absorb that depression.

 

So maybe he dealt with it until he couldn't and resentment was all that was left. I still don't agree with how he reacted, but at the same time, I can see being fed up after years of being the rock - it would be exhausting.

 

Have you seen a psychiatrist or psychologist for your depression and anxiety?

I hope so for your sake because you need to try and find ways to deal with it.

Also if you haven't so far, then that adds to the problem with the bf because you have serious problems and wouldn't be doing anything to address them but cry and use him as your emotional punching bag!

 

I don't mean to add to your troubles or sound insensitive. I do feel for you, but at the same time, I can see how absorbing all that constantly and being dumped on and cried to constantly can be exhausting.

[loveweary11]

Break up with him. This situation isn't going to get any better until he wants to be a part of the solution. Clearly all those times you accused him of things he didn't do, built up some resentment and some walls up around him. Regardless of that, he just isn't sympathetic to what is happening to you, so it's pointless to stay.

 

Staying will only further hurt any progress you could make.

 

 

Nor is your mental illness his responsibility.

 

He didn't sign up for that when you got together.

 

It takes up an extraordinary amount of time being a caregiver. He probably wants to do other things with his life and feels resentment....or maybe just wants to have a nice day on his day off instead of dealing with drama.

 

I know I used to,

[BetrayedH]

It's a very tough situation.

 

My GF is bipolar and suffers depression. She also copes with alcohol. I'm also a person that tends to try to suck up life's difficulties rather than allow myself to indulge depression. That said, I battled with depression earlier in life. I (eventually) took charge of it as no one had more control over it than me. No one was going to rescue me from it; I had to own it. But I can certainly empathize; it can be very debilitating at times.

 

As for solutions, my first hope is that you're addressing it via medications. Bi-polar (also known as manic depression) doesn't just go away. There is no "cure." It has to be medicated and it has to be done for life. Lithium is recognized as the gold standard. It can be augmented with lamecdol (the combination is commonly known as L&L). Then there's a variety of antidepressives that can be augmented with Abilify. Different meds work with different people and then there's altering dosages until you find what works. Unfortunately, your body can also become resistant to certain meds and the whole thing has to change. I'm certainly not qualified to sit here and diagnose or treat you. The point is that it takes a lot of effort and it can take years to adjust all of this under the direction of a physician. So, I hope you're doing all of this. And then adding talk therapy of top is probably a good idea so you have someone to dump on rather than just your boyfriend.

 

As for your BF, it doesn't sound like he has sufficient empathy to really be a partner with you in this. Like your BF, I also get tired of helping carry the burden. But I've never spoken like that to her. And I've studied up to understand the illness so that I can empathize. Is your BF doing that or just being a dick?

 

I think you have to own as much of this as you can. But you also need to sit your BF down and ensure that he's up for being your partner, not being your critic. He has to have some empathy and if you truly are bipolar, some of this is out of your control. If he isn't up for it, then move on without him and get stable/independent so that you're a healthier partner for another man that has some more empathy.

Edited March 31, 2015 by BetrayedH

[mohio01]

Thank you all very much for your kind replies.

I am seeing a therapist weekly, but I'm still learning how to control myself...

 

Sometimes I'm very upset about everything my boyfriend said, and I just want to break up.

But then I start to feel guilty.

 

I understand that it may have come to a point where he just can't deal with it anymore, but it's upsetting that it seems like it is the only problem in our relationship.

 

Maybe it's worth discussing a 1 or 2 month break, to work on my anxiety and on his anger/support towards it... any thoughts on that?

[Frank2thepoint]

Thank you all very much for your kind replies.

I am seeing a therapist weekly, but I'm still learning how to control myself...

 

Sometimes I'm very upset about everything my boyfriend said, and I just want to break up.

But then I start to feel guilty.

 

I understand that it may have come to a point where he just can't deal with it anymore, but it's upsetting that it seems like it is the only problem in our relationship.

 

Maybe it's worth discussing a 1 or 2 month break, to work on my anxiety and on his anger/support towards it... any thoughts on that?

 

I advise for you to seriously consider ending the relationship, because it would be selfish of you not to. Your boyfriend is resentful of dealing with you blaming him for nothing, and his patience is running out. I agree his reaction was hurtful and wrong, but it is understandable why he is acting this way towards you now. Your relationship will keep getting worse, to the point your boyfriend will just breakup with you sooner than later. You need to take care of yourself and try to overcome your anxiety or at least manage it. You may see it as just one problem in the relationship, but it is a very big problem.

[mohio01]

Thank you for your reply.

 

It hurts because we already broke up a month ago because of my problems, but he came back to me telling that he is willing to support me again and work on a future together.

But I'm afraid our future would just dissapoint the both of us, even if I don't believe it right now.

 

BetrayedH, I had only seen your reply after posting mine. As for medication, we're still figuring out what could help me. At this moment, I'm only taking Xanax for my anxiety.

Thank you for your advise, I understand that I have to do something about it. Not only for my (ex?)-boyfriend, but also for my parents, my work, stress,...

[BetrayedH]

Thank you for your reply.

 

It hurts because we already broke up a month ago because of my problems, but he came back to me telling that he is willing to support me again and work on a future together.

But I'm afraid our future would just dissapoint the both of us, even if I don't believe it right now.

 

BetrayedH, I had only seen your reply after posting mine. As for medication, we're still figuring out what could help me. At this moment, I'm only taking Xanax for my anxiety.

Thank you for your advise, I understand that I have to do something about it. Not only for my (ex?)-boyfriend, but also for my parents, my work, stress,...

 

I think you sit down with your BF when you're not fighting/anxious/crying and have a serious conversation about it. Try to reach a compromise; you need to own as much of this as you can and he needs to empathize. You each take a step towards one another. If he can't get there, you have your answer.

 

As for the Xanax, if you're truly bipolar, that ain't gonna cut it (at least not from my understanding). Bipolars need mood stabilizers, not just antidepression meds. Of course, follow your doc's orders, not mine. Perhaps it's time for a follow-up appointment?

[mohio01]

I think you sit down with your BF when you're not fighting/anxious/crying and have a serious conversation about it. Try to reach a compromise; you need to own as much of this as you can and he needs to empathize. You each take a step towards one another. If he can't get there, you have your answer.

 

As for the Xanax, if you're truly bipolar, that ain't gonna cut it (at least not from my understanding). Bipolars need mood stabilizers, not just antidepression meds. Of course, follow your doc's orders, not mine. Perhaps it's time for a follow-up appointment?

I do think me and my boyfriend need a serious and calm conversation, before colpletely ending the relationship.

We haven't spoken since the phonecall, and I'm thinking of sending him a message that I would appriciate a conversation. Not as a couple, not in a sentimental way, but as two mature people trying to understand eachother...

[d0nnivain]

Why do you feel guilty? You are sick. You aren't doing this on purpose.

 

 

If he was simply freaked out & telling you that he can't handle your condition, that might merit some effort to work through this. However, for him to say he doesn't believe in anxiety & to repeat "boooring" like a child when you try to explain is awful. He's mean. Do not stick around. If you do, you may never get better because he will constantly make your condition worse.

[preraph]

Well, you haven't said if you're in therapy and on meds and actively treating your condition. If not, that's number one, because it's not an easy thing for an SO to deal with. Be sure you're doing everything you can to fix it and not just trying to train him to enable it.

 

 

If you are doing everything and you're as good as it's going to get and he can't handle it, then obviously he's not the right person for you.

[Gloria25]

Nor is your mental illness his responsibility.

 

He didn't sign up for that when you got together.

 

It takes up an extraordinary amount of time being a caregiver. He probably wants to do other things with his life and feels resentment....or maybe just wants to have a nice day on his day off instead of dealing with drama.

 

I know I used to,

 

I believe we should bring our "best selves" to a RL...

 

When you get "married" yes, there's the 'In sickness and health', but even then, your SO is not your "caregiver", "therapist", "counselor", etc. To put that burden on them IMO, is abuse in a RL.

 

Now someone you are just "dating" - on top of that person not having obligation to you by marriage vows - again, burdening them with your issues amounts to an abusive RL.

 

We date, mate, marry, etc - cuz in this cruel world - yes, having a mate and someone on your "team" makes this life sweeter and you both are there for each other, but again, that person is not obligated to care for a person who needs specialized help.

 

Also, I recommend doing what you can to get off of those pills...

 

IMO, the medical industry just wants to prescribe a "pill" to everything just to make a quick buck off of people's misery...Also, our government wants to "numb and dumb" people instead of keeping them mentally alert and/or giving them the tools to just deal with life.

 

Life is tough, life sucks, but IMO, lots of people claiming "depression" when faced with "life"....then, they want a quick fix and the doctor prescribes a pill.

 

Physical activity (i.e. exercise, sports) hobbies, and actual "therapy" (counseling to identify and resolve issues causing the depression), IMO, are better than just popping endless pills.