FindingMe1975 Posted March 31, 2015 Posted March 31, 2015 Hi :-) First, let me thank you the "reader" for taking the time to read my story. Secondly, I am grateful that a website of such exists! Let me begin by saying, I just turned 40 and I wish I could say I'm living the life I wished for but unfortunately that's not the case. Any and all advice would be absolutely welcomed but all I ask is that you be kind in your words. I've been in a relationship for 6+ years and married almost 4 years of those 6. Has it been harmonious? I can't say it has and question myself everyday why I stay. We met online and hit it off almost instantly. At the time I was still married but separated going through a pretty sad divorce. My x-husband was the greatest guy in the world but unfortunately not the most responsible financially. When you're raising 4 kids, it's a little tough to stay sane when you worry about the roof over your head and the food on the table and lets not forget utilities. Again my x was a great guy but just was never financially responsible. After being together for almost 19 years, I had to finally call it quits. I forgot to mention what the catalyst was for ending my first marriage. My x came home one night after work (forgive me for making this sound bad) smelling like his face had been all over a womens vagina. I went to welcome him with a kiss and caught a whiff of the smell. I was heartbroken but determined to move on. At this point I was decided if he didn't move out then I would. We have 4 great kids between us but he insisted on not leaving so unfortunately I moved out and he kept the kids. Considering I was very close to my kids and wanted nothing more to be with him but I decided to not fight it in court and just leave everything to him. There are things I must mention to be real with myself and with you. I grew up in a very hostile and unstable environment. My father was an alcoholic for most of my life until my early 30's and he was a major philanderer. I just couldn't understand why my mother would put up with the constant craziness and chaos in our family along with the ill treatment my father gave her. All we could do was watch and hope that another physical fight would not break out. It was tough for a little 4 year old to grow up with this kind of example. Fast forward to 16 years and married! Yes, married and planning a kid once my first husband came home from boot camp. It was a rough start, but in the end, much was learned even till this day. Unfortunately I did a lot of damage in that relationship with my anger and my unfaithful ways. I figured if I cheated on him, I would gain his love back and he could finally take good care of us like he had promised in the beginning. I built this idea in my head that he and he only was the sole person to bring happiness into my life and by threatening to leave constantly would change his ways. I was an *******. I was also just 16 forming a family together without having an idea what that really entailed. During our marriage we fought and broke up (mainly me) and always somehow managed to stay together. He did cheat on me as well but I shamefully felt vindicated since I had already done the cheating as well. It wasn't easy but after the first 10 years it finally started getting easier. We fought less and had less troubles. Fast forward to 33 years. We're sitting around our kitchen table and having an awesome dinner. I decided to take my x up on his offer from a few months back to visit his cruise boat where he was a chef. I was excited yet he seemed a bit concerned even the kids noticed it. I was taken back but a few days later is when he came home smelling like vagina....(again I apologize for the words and description.) That signaled to me that our relationship had finally come to an end but I must say...I sometimes wonder if that wasn't onion I smelled on him. That will forever linger in the back of my mind being that he never admitted to cheating and constantly denied it. A part of my heart still believes him but the other half is too afraid to get hurt over and over again. We divorced. I met my new husband on that same year we separated. Wow! I thought the heavens opened up for me and I finally had someone in my life that really understood me. My wants and desires down to how I was treated as a woman and admired as one was the answer to my heartache. I seriously mean, I couldn't believe my luck. He certainly was not my type but his mind intrigued me. I was caught up with the facade. I have to admit he seemed perfect and I finally felt understood. I wish I could say the same now but unfortunately that is not the case. I have never been with or known someone so full of anger at a drop of a dime but this wasn't the case in the beginning. NOT AT ALL. I have to admit that I should have seen all the red flags in the beginning. I almost feel like I married my father. :-( His temper can be hurtful and demeaning at times. I use to threaten him with leaving him or with divorce but in the end I was just trying to scare him into loving me once again, the same way I did with my first marriage. Tried making him jealous when he gave a woman a little too much attention but allow me to add that this same woman invited him to go down to Puerto Vallarta for a Thanksgiving getaway. We were broken up at the time but we got back together shortly before that trip. I can remember telling him I was invited to a trip down to Miami with a guy friend and stating "I don't think you'd be comfortable with me going alone with a guy so I declined the trip. He called me a few days before their departure and I was told that he was going to be with his son and wanted to focus that time solely on him. I found it strange that he didn't want to talk to me during those few days and my intuition NO LIE...told me he was going somewheres in Mexico with a woman. I even remember expressing that to him and he got so upset and said he didn't need to explain himself to me and he would call me when he would call me. I knew immediately he was not being honest. I didn't find out about the trip until we had moved in together. I remember I was cleaning our room and came across some airline ticket stubs on the dresser. I'm in the habit of collecting any little mementos of our journeys and discovered it wasn't to where I lived but to Mexico. I was devastated but still decided to stay with him even though he had started with the lies long before. During our 1st month of dating (we met online) his profile stated he was 39 and I had clearly indicated that I was not into older men. I was 33 at the time and felt that this was a great match. Late in our first month of dating I come to find out he was in his early 50's. I confronted him about this as well and he pleaded with me to not break up what we had. I needed some time to myself to figure out if I was more upset about the lie or the fact that we started off on a bad foot. I decided to go with it because as everyone has epiphanies, I thought I had mine...age is just a number so I called him the next day and he was elated. I haven't seen that much elation since that time. I haven't seen that kind of joy and happiness come from him since them. Sometimes I worry if I destroyed what we had from the beginning with my jealousy and constant breaking up. I did feel though as if things were moving too quickly. We met in October and he wanted to move out to Florida and move in with me. I kept saying no because I felt that we didn't know each other well enough to set up house. He was going to propose that February and I broke up with him before I knew he was going to propose. I had to be clear after I found out and told him it was way too soon and I wasn't even fully divorced yet. He understood and we went ahead with our relationship. It's been a tough and traumatic last 6 + years being in this relationship. I have no voice in our marriage, I can't express my true feelings anymore and when he becomes upset I get stonewalled. Recently I'd been dealing with some health issues. I had to have 2 separate blood transfusions done due to a fibroid in my uterus. I almost lost my life right before I was rushed to have that 2nd transfusion. I was hemorrhaging heavily but a small part of me wanted to leave this world because I just couldn't deal with the way I was being treated and made to feel in this relationship. But of course my oldest comes to mind and with all honesty I live for her. Her father, my xhusband, in his own words has disowned her and she has no one but me. That's the only reason I'm still around. I question myself twice with everything I do, I have no trust in myself because somehow I manage to screw things up with my new husband constantly from forgetting to take pictures on our trip, to not remembering certain things we've discussed and not doing as he wants me to. This stonewalling happens at least once a week and lasts a few hours. I beg and plead for him to forgive me for whatever misdeed I've done but he insists on being angry and giving me the silent treatment. I will literally talk to him in such a calm voice and he either ignores me or tells me to get away or that he doesn't want to hear my bitching. It hurts so deeply inside and I feel as if I'm dying a little bit more every time this happens. There's was recently a time when he was yelling at me and I was crying asking him to please stop. He picked up his little stool and flung it across the room, he then grabbed his phone and continued to smash it against anything. I ended up repairing his phone and later he was upset that I didn't have the music on his phone that I had uploaded a while back. I have no desire to take pictures during our trips anymore. The funny thing is though, that when he is calm and apologizes he always admits to his wrong and momentarily feels bad and showers me with attention until the next time I upset him and the he forgets everything he said because his anger gets the best of him. I try my best to understand him but I'm always hitting and missing...mostly missing. He gets mad over things that he does as well. It hurts badly when you become so used to all this love and then it's suddenly gone. My heart rate goes up and now I suffer from palpitations and my whole body goes shaky. Literally I've noticed my hands now shake even if it's just a little at any time. The one time he threw his stool and the phone, he ended up punching a door and I flipped and lost it. I ended up punching a mirror and breaking my hand. He grabbed me and subdued me but left a gnarly bruise on my left arm. I did keep telling him it was hurting but he didn't listen and kept a tight grip on my arms. I ended up kicking him in the stomach to push him away from me. Sad enough, I felt terrible for what I had done and apologized numerous times. Every single time we enter into this vicious cycle, all I can do is cry my eyes out, do my best to ask for his forgiveness while being stonewalled even if he's wrong. You have no idea how much I stuff down every time this happens. He doesn't yell at me anymore but now he just closes up and I no longer exist until he's happy again. I am so frustrated with my life and my relationship and always being the one to want to calm the waters even though he's made the same mistakes. More and more when he becomes this way, I just feel that he really wants me to just leave. I don't feel like a wife or a respected woman, I feel like a punching bag for his emotions. Being in this relationship has taught me how anger can ruin so much good. I kind of see it as my Karma. Do I deserve this? Maybe. My first marriage was constant frustration and my anger was way out of control as well. I ask to the Universe/God every night to just bring what is good for me and if I still need to be in this relationship to learn something, all I ask is for strength. I can't change his road rage, or the derogatory terms he uses for women or men or people in general. I know marriages go through hard times but I ask myself if this is normal being that this is my 2 serious relationship. Remember I married when I was 16. Now freshly turned 40 with my 57 year old husband I wonder if I made the right decisions in this life. I sit here at my desk at 10:58 in the evening crying my eyes out again, feeling empty and scared and frustrated. We both attend counseling through a spiritual guide and it has gotten better but the stonewalling continues and that's painful enough. I stopped long ago with the divorce threats and I certainly don't dare to get mad. Keep one thing in mind...every time he makes a mistake or human error or forgets something, I don't get mad at all. All I say is..It's ok baby, no worries and we'll figure it out. Him on the other hand...well you know the rest.
Toodaloo Posted March 31, 2015 Posted March 31, 2015 I can't read all of this as its great blocks of text and my eyes are crossing. However. You seem to go from one bloke to the next. If you are that miserable then stop. Take some time out and learn about who you are. Next time take your time rather than rushing in. I do think you need counselling. if anything to get your mind into some form of order as this is drama all over the place. I doubt very much that any of these men have changed and lets face it if you smelt vagina breath on your ex husband his mouth was probably round a vagina and not a sneaky burger...
LoverOfDance Posted March 31, 2015 Posted March 31, 2015 (edited) Hey, really sorry you are going through this. I understand a little bit because my family was not a very happy one when I was growing up. I won't say much about it because it is very personal. My mom told me, she would have left my Dad (because of all he put her through) but only stayed with him because of us. Why exactly are you still with this man? He is physically, verbally and emotionally abusive. Why do you choose to stay with him? When you find yourself (even if it is just a small part of you) wishing to die simply because of what you've been through in the hands of a man, it is time to walk away. I feel really bad that you have to go through this even though I don't know you. You haven't really been by yourself since you were 16, maybe it's time to try being single for a while. You might find it to be a breath of fresh air. Please be careful with this man, don't let him be your downfall. Edited March 31, 2015 by LoverOfDance
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