Gaeta Posted March 31, 2015 Posted March 31, 2015 This relationship has bigger problems than just him needing space. * If the man in not in love after 9 months he will never be, especially after spending winter together as often as she said. * He refuses to sleep over, yes sure he is a slight sleeper but he's been spending a lot of time over there in the past 9 months, he should feel familiar enough in her home to fall asleep or at least make an effort to sleep over * He comes over, eat, watch tv, go to bed and has sex, then go home. What does it say to all of you? The man is happy he has a meal and a lay, he wants nothing more. OP: Does he take you out? Ever been to his place? Why are you the one pulling all the work here? * He wants space alright because right now he has no needs for your food and your tv. It's not because a man is busy that he can't be nice on the phone when you call. He does not call because he does not feel like it. He does not miss you. * You feel abandoned and discarded because you have been. 5
elaine567 Posted March 31, 2015 Posted March 31, 2015 This man did not fade out of the blue, he said it is Spring and he needs to work bl**dy hard. Physical dirty work and he probably doesn't even wash that often either. Popping in to sleep over will therefore not be an option. He may not even carry a phone 99% of the time or he will be busy contacting suppliers and sorting out work. He will be falling exhausted into bed. He said he will be unavailable, so leave him be. He already said that this is when gfs leave him, so I guess that is why he never said ily. You either get all in a hissy fit or act like a tragic heroine or you accept he is working hard, and he will get back to you when he can. If you cause a stink or become too demanding he is going to dump you, because Spring happens every year. That is something for you to consider too.
Gaeta Posted March 31, 2015 Posted March 31, 2015 This man did not fade out of the blue, he said it is Spring and he needs to work bl**dy hard. Physical dirty work and he probably doesn't even wash that often either. Popping in to sleep over will therefore not be an option. He may not even carry a phone 99% of the time or he will be busy contacting suppliers and sorting out work. He will be falling exhausted into bed. He said he will be unavailable, so leave him be. He already said that this is when gfs leave him, so I guess that is why he never said ily. You either get all in a hissy fit or act like a tragic heroine or you accept he is working hard, and he will get back to you when he can. If you cause a stink or become too demanding he is going to dump you, because Spring happens every year. That is something for you to consider too. Landscape business are busy all summer. It's ok for him to be absent for the next 6 months? without a visit and contact? This is landscaping, not a tour in Afghanistan. 2
elaine567 Posted March 31, 2015 Posted March 31, 2015 Landscape business are busy all summer. It's ok for him to be absent for the next 6 months? without a visit and contact? This is landscaping, not a tour in Afghanistan. I agree, it is a bit extreme, but if that is the way he likes to work, then she either accepts it, or not. Of course he may have another wife and family elsewhere, that is not unknown, but that is a bit naughty of me to suggest that, sorry. 2
Gaeta Posted March 31, 2015 Posted March 31, 2015 Elaine: Not at all farfetched. I dated a man for an entire year with this same pattern. He would not sleep over pretexting he suffered from insomnia. We never went anywhere because he hated movie theater, or hated restaurant food, or hated crowds. Turns out he had another relationship 3
Arieswoman Posted March 31, 2015 Posted March 31, 2015 If you haven't already done so, have a look at Natalie Lue's work. Excellent suggestion satu 1
katiegrl Posted March 31, 2015 Posted March 31, 2015 (edited) I agree, it is a bit extreme, but if that is the way he likes to work, then she either accepts it, or not. . ^^Agree. I used to be acquainted with a woman whose husband was (still is) a fisherman for Van Kamp Seafood. He was gone nine months out of the year fishing! When they were dating, she never even knew when she would see him. He would often call her from different areas of the world, while at port, and she would hop on a plane and go see him, a weekend here, a weekend there ..all last minute. He never had a lasting relationship with any woman prior to her because of this. But this girl was secure, confident and independent AND she loved him and *understood* him. This was his work, he loved it, and she loved him so she graciously accepted it. Never complained when he couldn't call for days..weeks sometimes! This was his WORK! They dated for five years like this...and are now married. Happily too I might add. He is still a fisherman, gone for months. And she still flies off to see him whenever she can...all last minute. So OP not sure if you are even still reading these posts, but if you are.....IF you truly love this man, stop whining, become more independent and accept this is who he is...it's his work! Trust me he will appreciate it immensely... and love you for it! So much so he may even end up committing/marrying you one day...like my friend's husband did... Edited March 31, 2015 by katiegrl
kendahke Posted March 31, 2015 Posted March 31, 2015 Ive been dating this guy for 9 months now. We are both in our early 40's. We get along great but its not turning out as I had hoped. He refuses to tell me he loves me only that he has feelings for me. Sleepovers are rare because he is a light sleeper, any romantic time happens on our weekly visits. He comes and has dinner...we talk..watch tv...if any mood for romance it happens..then he is on his way back home, or vise versa. We have been seeing each other at least 5 times a week. He is a landscaper so during the winter months we had a lot of time to spend together but now that spring has hit, he told me he is going to be very busy and once spring is over and things settle down he will have more time to spend with me. I totally understood but he never fully explained how it will be. We are talking no contact whatsoever...Ive tried calling him a few times, sometimes no answer, but if he does answer he sounds annoyed and tired. He says he is trying to fix some financial issues and is just mainly focused on getting as many jobs as he can. I understand perfectly but why can't he call for at least a minute to say hey whats up, how was your day? Its not happening. When I ask him why I can't get one minute of his time for that all he can say is "I know you don't like any of this, but its how it has to be" Then he went on and said this is why none of his relationships ever work out because of this and all the girlfriends he ever had take off. Im trying to be supportive but how can he expect me to live like this?? I think its ridiculous but he doesn't seem to want to compromise or bend. Ive kind of known all along this guy has some sort of emotionally unavailability going on but this takes the cake. I feel totally abandoned and discarded. I don't want to be like the others and take off...we seem to hit it off pretty well but Im sick of everything being on his terms. If he really cared he would at least call me a few times a week to see how Im doing. I feel like such a fool every time I try to contact him...so Ive decided NO CONTACT from my end...he has to call me. I feel so broken hearted...Im trying to be as understanding as possible but I also understand why the others 'took off'. Anybody else dealing with a guy like this? Ive invested so much time into him and the relationship so Im just angry and hurt and frustrated...its so hard to let go, not sure what to do.... I'm not understanding why you've hung in for 9 months, thinking he'll flip into someone he clearly has no intention on being. I also don't see what is hard about letting go of someone who has no time and makes no space for you in his life. No amount of "understanding" can check someone who is dead set against allowing you entre into their life. anyone who said to me: "I know you don't like any of this, but its how it has to be" gets "boy, bye" from me. He doesn't sound like he wants a committed, exclusive relationship. He wants someone to dip his dicque in when it's convenient for him and then he rolls out. 1
BluEyeL Posted March 31, 2015 Posted March 31, 2015 (edited) ^^Agree. I used to be acquainted with a woman whose husband was (still is) a fisherman for Van Kamp Seafood. He was gone nine months out of the year fishing! When they were dating, she never even knew when she would see him. He would often call her from different areas of the world, while at port, and she would hop on a plane and go see him, a weekend here, a weekend there ..all last minute. He never had a lasting relationship with any woman prior to her because of this. But this girl was secure, confident and independent AND she loved him and *understood* him. This was his work, he loved it, and she loved him so she graciously accepted it. Never complained when he couldn't call for days..weeks sometimes! This was his WORK! They dated for five years like this...and are now married. Happily too I might add. He is still a fisherman, gone for months. And she still flies off to see him whenever she can...all last minute. So OP not sure if you are even still reading these posts, but if you are.....IF you truly love this man, stop whining, become more independent and accept this is who he is...it's his work! Trust me he will appreciate it immensely... and love you for it! So much so he may even end up committing/marrying you one day...like my friend's husband did... I am all for giving a man space, but I disagree in this case. This guy completely disappeared and it's not because he's out of town or long distance. It's more than giving space. you cannot have a relationship if he doesn't try to sustain it in any way. I understand he works extremely hard but I guarantee you, if a man loves a woman, no matter what HE WILL find a little bit of time to see her. He will. No matter what. The guy in your examples at least kept in touch from all the places he's been in. Don't need to meet 5X/week, but he'll find 2h/week. When my boyfriend was working 12h/day 7day/week last november for about a month, he wasn't even going home, sleeping in a hotel near the place of work, not even going to lunch, eating cereal all day, not being able to leave unsupervised a machine he was working on, he still found a way to see me, ever if briefly. He found someone to replace him for 2h, while I came over and we went to dinner at a nearby restaurant once a week. And he also found a way to free another evening. He made it a priority. This guy wants out, it's very clear to me. He's using this as an excuse. Remember what they say "Busy is another word for Axshole. Axshole is another word for the guy you're dating". Just saying. Time to bring back your online profile. Edited March 31, 2015 by BluEyeL 3
kendahke Posted March 31, 2015 Posted March 31, 2015 if a man loves a woman, . and this man does not--THAT is the cruxt of all of this. 2
Gary S Posted March 31, 2015 Posted March 31, 2015 Okay, so with the OP's latest post, it's obvious - he's decided to become a workaholic for spring and take you for granted until the summer, lol. The problem is, couples need to get together regularly, or the love can die. This is the same thing that happens with LDR's. So he's not going to see you at all until summer? If he will see you art all, you may have to shock him - cut off sex. When he asks, "What's wrong"?, that will be your cue to have a talk with him. That's when he will be open to really listen and change. Tell him you want to see him at least once a week, and you want a couple of phone calls a week too (or whatever you need/want). When you two work it out, then you can have makeup sex. To get people to change, for best results, it has to be their own idea. He's not emotionally unavailable - he's just plain not available.
Gaeta Posted March 31, 2015 Posted March 31, 2015 ^^Agree. I used to be acquainted with a woman whose husband was (still is) a fisherman for Van Kamp Seafood. He was gone nine months out of the year fishing! When they were dating, she never even knew when she would see him. He would often call her from different areas of the world, while at port, and she would hop on a plane and go see him, a weekend here, a weekend there ..all last minute. He never had a lasting relationship with any woman prior to her because of this. But this girl was secure, confident and independent AND she loved him and *understood* him. This was his work, he loved it, and she loved him so she graciously accepted it. Never complained when he couldn't call for days..weeks sometimes! This was his WORK! They dated for five years like this...and are now married. Happily too I might add. He is still a fisherman, gone for months. And she still flies off to see him whenever she can...all last minute. So OP not sure if you are even still reading these posts, but if you are.....IF you truly love this man, stop whining, become more independent and accept this is who he is...it's his work! Trust me he will appreciate it immensely... and love you for it! So much so he may even end up committing/marrying you one day...like my friend's husband did... Unlike OP, the man in your story made an effort to call when possible. When he called her I bet you he was sweet and loving and not annoyed. He probably told your friend he loved her as well. He was at sea, not 2 mile down the road cutting grass. I am an ex-military wife I know all about being left alone. When my ex was in Somalia and Bosnia he found the way to call me!! and when he called he said things like I am thinking of you, I miss you, we will be together soon. But this man here does not even care to call, doesn't care to be nice with her. He is not in a place with no phone signal, he is not in another country. He is a few miles away!! I am all for waiting for your man BUT you've got to get something in return. 3
elaine567 Posted March 31, 2015 Posted March 31, 2015 ...He was at sea, not 2 mile down the road cutting grass. lol! ........ 3
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