Lost the one...

[Throldur]

This is my first post and it is going to be a long one. My mother is getting tired of talking to me about this, my friends and family have pretty much just left it with all they can say and I'm just unable to get over this the way that I want to..

 

I'm the guy who didn't have his first kiss until after high school, didn't sleep with a girl until University and didn't really have a girlfriend until I was 22 years old. I know what I want in someone, but those girls are rare and generally my relationships ended after a few months because they weren't the one, they cheated, etc. I met my recent ex in one of my last semesters at University, I had just given up on dating anyone because my last date before that with someone from OKCupid was so horrible that I just didn't wanna deal with it anymore. But she was in two of my classes, she was gorgeous beyond belief, same taste in music, a laugh that shook her whole body, the same sense of humor and she actually dug me, almost sought me out more than I sought her out which has never happened to me before.

 

We dated for a few months before I found out that she had Generalized Anxiety Disorder. This manifested itself in a fear of dying from a blood clot, she was scared to sleep alone, obsessed over it, thought she was going to die, couldn't sleep, didn't want me to leave her alone, would constantly call, text, get driven out to my house, wouldn't let me leave, she missed work, almost lost her job, I had to front her rent for a month until she got a payment from an insurance company due to a car accident that happened earlier in that semester. I didn't think I could do it, I loved this girl, she was perfect for me, but it was becoming a burden, eventually with the help of myself and her speaking to my mom on the phone for hours, she finally got passed that but she always had some bad self-esteem issues, bad anxiety, she desperately wanted the approval of her mother but never got it, and had some scars from previous relationships (abusive, emotionally and sexually to some level). Now, no one is perfect and I am the type of guy to be there for someone so I stayed by her side and told her if I don't stick by her in the bad times then I don't deserve her in the good times. After her lease was up in her first apartment she moved in with her best friend.

 

Immediately after moving in she was all anxious about where she would live next year and I told her to just enjoy where she is now, don't get too far into the future and all things will work themselves in time. When time winded down toward the end of the lease she was looking for new places and was kind of hinting around for me to live with her. I was in the process of quitting one horrible job and trying to find a new one so I couldn't. Eventually I got a job as an insurance broker and agreed that while I was in probation period (sales jobs aren't always secure) I would pay $80 a paycheck toward her new place until I passed my probationary period and then I would move in with her when my job was secure. In August I got a really good deal on a new car from a friend who works as a car salesman, my current car (I was the only one with a vehicle) was going to cost as much to fix as I got in trade-in.. so when I purchased the new vehicle, my girlfriend was jealous of it, that I was committing to the vehicle and not her, but I eventually explained it to her that the vehicle is how I get back and forth everywhere, how we get groceries, how we get to our parents (nboth live outside the city and where I live at the moment) and that this vehicle is covered for 7 years and it's got a hatchback for my goalie gear but also would be perfect in a few years for starting a family since it would be reliable and have room. I told her I was not going anywhere and we talked about getting a kitten together, which we did, that was a sign that I'm committed to you for the long haul and to not be so concerned with the prospect of me leaving her (she would have some panic attacks like I had a dream you broke up with me.. and sometimes questioning whether I loved her, which hurt, because I obviously did). Around this time too her mother was diagnosed with breast cancer, I stuck by her side through all of that while her mother successfully beat cancer.

 

At the new apartment things were going good for the first couple of months. Though there was always this constant badgering of when I am going to move in (had been established a million times, once my job was secure) and then when I was going to pay the amount that I agreed (keep in mind I am now paying for all groceries, gas money, I pay for all meals, movies, concert tickets, hockey tickets) and I had told her that I had paid for the security deposit on the apartment, I bought the dresser and T.V. for the apartment, which we agreed to split, so it would be in December that I would start paying it. When December rolled around, she had no money for christmas gifts, so in lieu of those payments, I paid for her christmas presents. But the last going off she was getting really argumentative, snapping over little things, constantly annoyed and we got into a fight about New Year's Eve since she mentioned in passing her friend wanting to do something at the apartment, no mention of it after, then a friend of mine offered to have us out, I agreed, then they asked my grilfriend, she got mad saying we were doing something there.. I tried to work it out where we could combine everybody but my girlfriend wasn't really going with the notion of inviting my friends then just told me to do what I want.. and we agreed to do separate things, which in hindsight was stupid of me, but I was angered she was ignoring my friends and I wasn't included in planning the party at all. New Year's Eve rolls around, her friends bail after 7 o'clock, which I knew they would, I tried to again work something out to get her to bring her out to my friends and she just said, I'm such an inconvenience don't bother.. and I knew things weren't going to go well, but I hoped for the best when I arrived at her apartment on New Year's day.

 

She was hungover and laying down. Not talkative. I put on a movie. It's over. We talk for a bit. Then she says she thinks we should break up. We talk about New Year's, I explain to her how I felt but that I knew I should have been with her because I regret not being there with her when the time was counting down. I was trying to please everyone but in turn hurt the two people I value the most, her and myself. She then tells me that she doesn't see her friends enough, her family enough, that her parents think I'm taking advantage of her, and that I was taking too long to commit and move in. Then she said something stupid about me not letting her see her mom when she had breast cancer which is just a complete lie (and I think came from her Mother's mouth to be honest, and her mother is a nut).. I tell her that I didn't know she felt that way and that I would make more of an effort to spend time with her friends, I can't make plans with them, but if you want to see them, make plans, we can do it, you want to see your family more, we can do it, I am planning on moving in January when my probation period is up, so let's just fix this and when it's all good I will move in. Eventually during the night she said she can't do this and we cuddle, sleep, but it didn't last..

 

The real trouble actually doesn't come from all of those things she's saying because they're not true and most of them seem invented to have reasons to break up with me. Two of her best friends moved away. One had visited before Christmas (right before the argumentative nature started) and she said how much she missed her. They're lives had improved when they moved away, one friend had a bad slut reputation (slept with over a hundred guys) and the other girl was obese, moved with her family and found a boyfriend. So she's talking a lot about flying to see one of her friends in the new year. She then begins talking a lot about wanting to move away and I say that I can't because my friends, family, job, hockey leagues, everything is here and if we have kids we are going to want a support system around us.. and I try to explain to her that moving away doesn't solve any problems, we're still qualified for the same jobs, the pay rate is higher but cost of living is too.. Apparently, during this time, a guy she works with is moving back to Ontario and she had been coming in to work talking about how I didn't pay as much attention to her anymore and wouldn't move in with her.. they start texting, he's moving back to Ontario, has feelings for her and before he leaves, he comes by to give her stuff off her desk (she quit and got a full-time job elsewhere for the new year) and apparently while he's over at the apartment.. he says he will stay here for her but she says no, she has a boyfriend.. and so he moves back but all the while, he's still making her insecurities about our relationship worse (and she should have talked to me about them, not him) and he's offering her a free place to stay with him in Ontario to move away.

 

So when we're in the process of trying to work things out we're at a concert and she's texting him on her phone. I can't see most of the messages but I do happen to catch a bit.

Him - What are you doing?

Her - Nothing, just chilling, being lazy..

Him - Go to bed

Her - Don't tell me what to do lol

Him - Sorry

Her - Just kidding lol.

So this irks me because she's lying to this guy about where she is and I'm sure as far as he's concerned we are broken up. I confront her about it later on and say why are you not telling him you are with me and she says it's none of his business what she's doing and I say well apparently it's his business what is going on in our relationship.

On that Monday I came home from work and she was crying and saying, I know what you want me to do, stop talking to him. I said yes, if we are going to work this out, then we can't have someone who is saying poisonous things about me in our lives and if he's truly a friend, he'll understand. She says she needs some time to think and I give her that space. Eventually she says it's just too late, she's holding grudges for me not moving in and she wants to move away, and she just feels like she'll always be ahead of me in commitment. That she's going to Ontario to get drunk on the long weekend.. I got her to agree to one final date to see if I could change her mind. That didn't really work because she was shut off on it from the get-go but the most telling things to me were that I would touch her leg and she'd start crying, I'd try to kiss her, she'd start crying, she wouldn't lay down and cuddle with me.. like she knew if we had any type of physical contact that she wouldn't be able to go through with what she was planning.. which was a trip to Ontario to see if it was what she wanted to do (and probably motivated by her attraction to this guy too, I'm not completely naive, even if she didn't physically cheat on me, she emotionally cheated on me and talked to another guy behind my back). But she finally ended it.. I got my stuff, broke down on the floor and left.. I went No Contact like every one always suggests..

 

She's good friends with my best friends girlfriend after two years hanging together. They start talking and my ex-girlfriend is starting to miss me, is saying things to my buddies gf like.. oh I want to talk to him and work things out but I'm worried I'll get scared and run away again. She doesn't end up making the first move like I wanted.. but it's been 3 weeks of no contact, I know she's flying to Ontario the next weekend so I make an effort to contact. She agrees to meet for coffee, says she misses me, but is quick to say (without me asking) oh I'm not around next weekend.. so I call her, I try to talk her out of it, she won't listen and she says, I'll go for coffee, but I'm going to Ontario and there's nothing that's going to stop me. I talk about the relationship, tell her I was going to movie in and then after a year, I was gonna propose, I was already saving, I knew how I was going to do it.. and she warms up to that thought but then snaps back out of it saying it's just too late she can't let go of the negative thoughts she had. She starts crying saying she has no idea what she's doing.. and I told her, let's just forget the negative stuff, you forgive me, I'll forgive you for the stuff with the other guy and we'll start from scratch and work toward everything with a renewed goal in our minds. She just says she can't.. and I tell her she's going to regret it and she says, I know, I know someday I'll be married and think, I could have had this with you. I said if you know that, then why are you going through with this? She doesn't really have an answer and I tell her, see you on the other side of forever. She cries and we hang up.

 

She goes on the trip. Comes back. Messages me about the kitten asking for me to take her, the spaying is paid for, she just can't afford two cats. I didn't look into it and after deliberating (lost my job at this point) I agree to take the kitten because I was lonely and didn't want this guy in Ontario to get all of my life, my girlfriend, the two cats. While we're talking, I vent a little bit, tell her to really evaluate the person she's becoming.. that before she was a girl who laughed hard, loved life, cared deeply.. and now she's cheating on a guy she loves, she's throwing away a cat she loves, she's lying, and running away.. and she gets angry but I just say to her, look, you're a beautiful person with a beautiful heart and soul, you don't need to change who you are for somebody else, you need to sit in a room by yourself, without your phone and decide who you want to be, what you want in life and go for it, you can't look to change all the time and look for people to validate you. I love you for who you are and I don't ever want you to compromise that. She just keeps saying she wants to be left alone. So when I go in to get the cat, I'm met at the door by her father, he says my ex doesn't want any contact with me anymore, gives me the kitten, we talk for a bit, I tell him to watch out for this new guy 'cause he's manipulative and I have a bad vibe, but he claims that she's firmly in her new job and there's no plans to move (just like her friends had said when I asked if they were ocncerned about her flying to Ontario to see a guy nobody ever met.. they were all very against it but said they were told it wasn't about being with the guy, it was about escaping everything going on here). When I got the kitten home, she lied, it wasn't fixed, she was just saving the money from the surgery to help her (I should have checked, this is on me).. I called her dad and he gets pissed off and says no more contact with her or her family. I let it go, shouldn't have called, wasn't going to change anything and just made me look bad in retrospect.

 

She blocked me on facebook even though I had deleted her. She blocked my mom too. One night I had a vivid dream about being in a room with this guy and her best friend.. Her friend asks me, "did you hear from her?".. I say, "No, nothing all day." and he says, "It's time for Plan B".. and I say, "what is she going to break up with me again?" and her friend starts crying.. "She's in trouble". Next day I get a call from my sister who said that my ex had moved to Ontario. I go to check her twitter to show my mother, but I'm blocked there (I wasn't literally two days before as I had looked.. so she had blocked me before putting on her twitter that she was moving).. odd she didn't block me there the same day she blocked me on facebook. I hadn't contacted her in weeks, had no plans on it, so it's not like there was any risk of anything happening there or any preventative.. it was like, oh I'm moving, better block him from seeing these tweets before I post them..

 

It appears all of this was due to this strange desire, out of the blue, to move away.. partly, yes, because of this guy, but if it was only about this guy, he would have stayed and they would have been together here.. I'm inclined to think she's using him on a level for the free place to move away. With her anxiety, the things her friends had told her, some conversations between people, and everything.. it seems like this desire to move away just consumed her.. she left behind a boyfriend who she did love, a cat she loved, her friends, her breast-cancer surviving mother, two brothers, a grandmother battling lung cancer.. all to chase this dream of moving away as if it is going to solve these issues that she has with herself. She has some delusions of this perfect scenario in her head.

 

Problem is, I'm still madly in love with her.. I should not want to accept anyone back into my life who lied like she did and cheated. But, she is, the real her, not this "move away at all costs" version which I believe to be a lot like the blood-clot version of her earlier in our relationship, is the girl of my dreams. I'm never going to find someone better than her. She was a part of everything. She was my companion. I wanted to marry her, have kids with her, everything in my life is steeped in her and I can't get rid of it. I'm just so angry she moved away, at least if she still lived here then I had an opportunity of getting her back, but I'm blocked on social media, her number will change due to being in a new province, all the cards are taken out of my hands and all I can do is hope, that for the slim chance, that things out there don't go as well as she anticipates (they won't, it's doomed to fail, its built on lies, deceipt, and an illusion of it being this solver of all problems) and that when she moves back here after this failed experiment, she will realize that I was truly the guy for her and we somehow find a way to work it out.

 

How does one truly go on? It's been almost 4 months now.. I've been trying to use online dating but there's nothing out there for me. The only attractive girls that fit with my personality don't find me attractive so I don't get a message back and I know in my bones that she's my soul-mate. How can I just go on knowing that I had the one girl I was meant to be with and blew it because I didn't move in earlier? How come other people, abusive boyfriends, etc., get their second chance and I don't get mine? I dream about her almost every night. I'm trying all of these spiritual, religious, wish making, any type of bull**** to try and not only heal but hope that the Universe listens and gives me my second chance with her. I just don't want to live with this knowledge that I ****ed up my one great chance.. I wished all my life for a chance with a girl like her, I got it, and I screwed it up by being scared and not giving all of myself all of the time. There's so many conversations we had, so many things I did, that I wish I could do over and fix. I just know in my bones if she had given me that second chance we would have been stronger for it.

 

I just can't cope. I'm severely depressed. Nothing matters anymore. I want to have hope but there isn't any for me. I got a miracle and the universe is punishing me for not taking advantage of it. I had my one true love and it ran away, moved provinces over and pretends, likely, that I never existed. So now I have to manage and wait.. hope that if it was meant to be that we are brought back together but what if that never happens?

 

"You were the gift worth waiting for.. now you're the ghost outside my door."

 

Thanks to anyone who took the time to read all of this and for any advice. Please, don't drill in the point that she cheated.. I know, it sickens me, it guts me.. and as much as I should turn the page, it's a soul-mate.. easier said than done.. and accepting "if it's meant to be, it will be.." is hard when you know the process, if it ever even happens, will take months, many months, to go through..

[goldway90]

I didn't read all tbh the moment i saw Generalized Anxiety Disorder i got the picture. I will something to you , You dodged a bullet my friend, or should i say a ticking bomb. This girl is in denial and not you, or any other guy could handle her. So listen to me stop playing the white knight and savior and take care of yourself because you deserve better. Trust me i've been there and i will get worse.

[Throldur]

I didn't read all tbh the moment i saw Generalized Anxiety Disorder i got the picture. I will something to you , You dodged a bullet my friend, or should i say a ticking bomb. This girl is in denial and not you, or any other guy could handle her. So listen to me stop playing the white knight and savior and take care of yourself because you deserve better. Trust me i've been there and i will get worse.

 

I keep getting the "dodged a bullet" comment from a few people. Thing is, I can deal with people having anxiety issues. My mother has them. My sister has them. It's a part of the society we live in.

 

That's the thing that gets me. I stuck by her through the hard times and she didn't have my back when she should have. This guy doesn't know what he's getting into and she doesn't know who he is either. I have a horrible feeling about the whole situation but it is a journey she needs to go on alone, that's what I've been told.. but I want to be there by her side. GAD or not, she's the girl I am meant to be with and I had helped her so much, as did my mother, she lost all her support system to move away in search of some quick fix to her problems and it's only going to end up horribly, in my opinion and in the opinion of anyone close to the situation.. and that's my only hope for it to come back around for her to be with me again, is for her to realize she was wrong and that she needed me more than she thought.

[goldway90]

I keep getting the "dodged a bullet" comment from a few people. Thing is, I can deal with people having anxiety issues. My mother has them. My sister has them. It's a part of the society we live in.

 

That's the thing that gets me. I stuck by her through the hard times and she didn't have my back when she should have. This guy doesn't know what he's getting into and she doesn't know who he is either. I have a horrible feeling about the whole situation but it is a journey she needs to go on alone, that's what I've been told.. but I want to be there by her side. GAD or not, she's the girl I am meant to be with and I had helped her so much, as did my mother, she lost all her support system to move away in search of some quick fix to her problems and it's only going to end up horribly, in my opinion and in the opinion of anyone close to the situation.. and that's my only hope for it to come back around for her to be with me again, is for her to realize she was wrong and that she needed me more than she thought.

Believe me i know what you mean and i'm not saying you are not strong enough but it's HER problem, she's in denial you can't help someone who doesn't want to be saved. You don't need to be with her, don't play the hero man, take care of yourself and your mom those are more important than her, at least they are not taking your help for granted. Stop making excuses for her plus the fact that she cheated on you really should set everything straight, how are you going to trust her now? YOU CANT!. I know you are hurt so take care of yourself, the one you're looking for is out there and you can't find her if you are depressed. Trust me you deserve better.

[Strength in Healing]

I always fine it humorous when people think they lost "the one".

 

I thought that after my first gf.

 

Then after my second gf, thought it again. Not as much, though.

 

Then the third, fourth, and fifth, I started to laugh at that concept.

 

Now, I realize the one is whatever one I am dating:cool: Girls aren't nearly as unique as you think. No one is, really.

 

Go find someone else, and find out what you like about them.

[BlackbirdSong]

OP, I really don't have any advice for you because I'm pretty much in the same type of situation, but I just wanted to say that I feel your pain. I REALLY feel your pain. I had the same hopes and dreams as you...and a small part of me really hopes that she will crash and burn in her new endeavors only to realize how kickass I am. Denial with a capital D. Welcome to the club my friend.

[smellysocksuni]

I always fine it humorous when people think they lost "the one".

 

I thought that after my first gf.

 

Then after my second gf, thought it again. Not as much, though.

 

Then the third, fourth, and fifth, I started to laugh at that concept.

 

Now, I realize the one is whatever one I am dating:cool: Girls aren't nearly as unique as you think. No one is, really.

 

Go find someone else, and find out what you like about them.

 

I feel like that everytime I lose someone, lol.

[Chi townD]

She's "the one" that cheated on you.

 

 

She's "the one" that carried on a relationship with this guy behind your back and wouldn't give him up.

 

 

She's "the one" that lied to the OM about being out at a concert with you to protect his opinion of her. She sold you out to protect his feelings.

 

 

She's "the one" that want to go to Ontario to "get drunk" for the weekend; but, you know damn well it was to see the OM.

 

 

She's "the one" that up and left you for another guy and moved away for HIM. She put more of a value on him than you.

 

 

She's "the one" that has blocked you on every form of social media. So much for that soulmate love she feels for you.

 

 

Dude, I didn't write this to be an ass or to make you feel any worse. I just want to show you that this chick isn't "the one". Actually, she treated you pretty crappy.

[Throldur]

She's "the one" that cheated on you.

 

 

She's "the one" that carried on a relationship with this guy behind your back and wouldn't give him up.

 

 

She's "the one" that lied to the OM about being out at a concert with you to protect his opinion of her. She sold you out to protect his feelings.

 

 

She's "the one" that want to go to Ontario to "get drunk" for the weekend; but, you know damn well it was to see the OM.

 

 

She's "the one" that up and left you for another guy and moved away for HIM. She put more of a value on him than you.

 

 

She's "the one" that has blocked you on every form of social media. So much for that soulmate love she feels for you.

 

 

Dude, I didn't write this to be an ass or to make you feel any worse. I just want to show you that this chick isn't "the one". Actually, she treated you pretty crappy.

 

See, while there is no doubt in my mind she is with this guy while she is out there. I think she's using him on a level because he offered her a place to live rent free that was anywhere but where she is. He offered to stay here in Nova Scotia for her and she told him no. I do think that it is more about moving away than it has to do with him. In the end, yes, she chose moving away with another guy over staying here with me.

 

I know that she didn't treat me as well as she should have. Like I said earlier, I stuck by her through so much and when it came to the time where she is supposed to have my back and tell this guy from her work to get lost, she didn't do it and talked to him about our relationship behind my back then made plans to move there after the relationship soured. I'm angry at her but what she has done doesn't shake the feeling as much as I try to make it happen.

 

I don't want to think of her as the one. But it's in my bones. Before all of this happened, if you told me to build the closest thing to the perfect girl for me, that's who I would have built up.. sure, if I could take away the GAD, I would, if I could have made her be more loyal when it got challenging, I would..

 

My choices at this juncture really are: Hope this crashes and burns for her, hope she realizes while she is out there that moving away is not the solution for the emptiness or dislike she feels about herself. That needs to come from within and being somewhere else isn't going to change WHO she is and how she FEELS about herself. Then once all that happens, she moves back here and seeks me out.

 

Hope that somewhere out there, there's another pretty girl, with the same sense of humor as me, similar taste in music, activities, and fits in well with friends and family.. and on top of that, she has to actually want to be with me too. This is more impossible than scenario A because whether or not I want to admit it, I'm not the best looking guy out there, all I have going for me is that I'm tall and have an athletic build and girls tend to not see me or be attracted to me, I fall into friend not guy they want to be with, more often than not. Not only that but she's one of maybe 3-4 girls I've ever come across and met that I actually fell deeply for.. so it's not like abundance is an option, especially since seemingly every worthwhile girl around here is taken..

 

Continue with this online dating ****.. but it's ****. There's very few quality girls and the ones that should respond to me, they don't. Ends up making me feel worse about my physical appearance since that's the only logical conclusion I can draw..

 

Or just admit defeat.. live my life knowing what I had and that it got ****ed up and accept that I'm one of the few that just don't get to have it all.

[Throldur]

OP, I really don't have any advice for you because I'm pretty much in the same type of situation, but I just wanted to say that I feel your pain. I REALLY feel your pain. I had the same hopes and dreams as you...and a small part of me really hopes that she will crash and burn in her new endeavors only to realize how kickass I am. Denial with a capital D. Welcome to the club my friend.

 

Maybe it will work out for both of us... That's about the most wishful thinking I can do right now, lol.

[Chi townD]

Dude, even you said you were a late bloomer. I speculate that this is the first girl you ever fell hard for and it's natural to feel that deep of a connection for a person you completely let your guard down for.

 

 

But, we're talking about ONE girl. You're on a planet that has more women than men and you're hung up on the that will leave you for another guy. Leave you to go live somewhere rent free. And you know as well as I do, nothing in this world is free. She's probably dating him, spending time with him and; yes, probably sleeping with him to keep him satisfied and the free rent option open.

 

 

Dude, time to heal and move on. She already did and blocked you out of he life. Don't worry about dating right now. That will come in time. You need time to heal from this and lose those romantic feelings for her. Until then, no one is going to measure up to your Ex and that wouldn't be fair to the girls that you would date.

[Throldur]

Dude, even you said you were a late bloomer. I speculate that this is the first girl you ever fell hard for and it's natural to feel that deep of a connection for a person you completely let your guard down for.

 

 

But, we're talking about ONE girl. You're on a planet that has more women than men and you're hung up on the that will leave you for another guy. Leave you to go live somewhere rent free. And you know as well as I do, nothing in this world is free. She's probably dating him, spending time with him and; yes, probably sleeping with him to keep him satisfied and the free rent option open.

 

 

Dude, time to heal and move on. She already did and blocked you out of he life. Don't worry about dating right now. That will come in time. You need time to heal from this and lose those romantic feelings for her. Until then, no one is going to measure up to your Ex and that wouldn't be fair to the girls that you would date.

 

I don't know if I really am a late bloomer.. I don't think I got attractive or anything over the years, case in point with the lack of success in even initial replies on POF, OKC and lack of matches on Tinder. Just that I got lucky a few times with a few different girls. She's the second girl that I ever fell hard for and I would say that I never achieved the "high" that I had in my first relationship with her but obviously when you think your whole life no one is ever gonna be with you and you're with someone for the first time, those emotions are pretty strong and steeped in relief.

 

She is one girl. But again, throughout my life I have been searching for a girl like her and I could never find one, the ones that I did, never had any interest in me, and again, they were rare, she was/is everything I could have dreamed for and she wanted me too, really fell in love with me and I don't know how it got here. There might be more girls than men, I don't know the statistic, but it seem where I live that there's more guys than girls, most girls are in relationships and the single ones are not quality or any that would go for me.

 

I know she's sleeping with him. I know they're together. I've accepted that fact. She allowed him in, he played on her insecurities, a sequence of events and pressures from friends, unhappiness here, and offered her a place to stay so she could fulfill this dream of moving away. He certainly fell into the perfect situation for him to get what he wanted. It pisses me off, that things happened in such a way.. if she hadn't have changed her shifts at work, if I would have confronted her about this guy, if I had said this, done that earlier, maybe all this would have been different. My only solace is knowing that the unhappiness she feels isn't going to be solved by being out there, her anxiety will get the best of her, and with any cheating relationship, he will not fully trust her and she will always be skeptical of him. It will just take time for it to surface.

 

It just seems that all I can do now is ****ing wait.. and wait for what? What if it never happens? What if she never comes back or she does and I find I can't trust her or we can't reconcile our differences? What if she never comes back and I'm trying to move on but the reality is.. there's just no one else out there for me and I truly did mess up/get ****ed over on the one true chance at happiness? How am I supposed to just.. wait and see..

 

People tell me, be selfish, work on yourself.. Well, I have to wait until September to start my Human Resources course.. I still play hockey, drums, write and go to the gym. I never gave that up. I'm still doing what is uniquely me and what makes me happy. Problem is, those things were always better when I shared them with her and every game I play, I look up in the stands and she's gone. Cuts through the core of me.

 

It just all seems impossible.. Her coming back and working it out with me, slim chance, likely impossible. Me meeting someone else that I like and wants to be with me? Likely impossible. Meeting single girls at all seems a monumentally ridiculous task at this point in my life.. all my friends are in relationships, all the girls they know are as well, I have no wing men and I'm not going to bars alone.. Online dating, like i said, is just a cesspool. Sit and wait for a miracle when I had one and I clearly didn't do all that I could or we would still be together and we'd be working on our forever.

[Throldur]

Basically the short of my break-up story is that my ex-girlfriend had Generalized Anxiety Disorder and fear of abandonment. When things got into the comfortable phase of the relationship and I was waiting to move in when I was off probation at my new job (sales) and it was secure. When I took too long in her eyes to move in, she got afraid I was going to leave her, and around this time she had visits from a friend who moved away, told her how great it was and turned her life around, another friend of hers moved away with her family, got a boyfriend and was telling her the same. Then a guy who she worked with who is older and had her trust was moving back to where he was from, told her the same beauty of moving away, offered her a free place to stay and confirmed her fears that I was going to leave her at some point and to take advantage of moving away. She broke up with me after a fight on New Year's day, was very flip-floppy during the break-up as I could tell she still had a lot of feelings for me (wouldn't cuddle with me and talk, cried when I touched her leg in the car, cried whenever trying to kiss goodbye during days we were trying to iron things out) but had her blinders on that moving away was something she had to do and she had a free place to stay (thinking that this fresh start somewhere else would cure all her problems). She moved away and took up this opportunity in the end of March. Everyone, including myself, agrees that this is not going to last and it will take a few months for her to realize that this is just increased dependence on someone else, further anxiety and that her issues lie within not where she is.

 

I know the girl is messed up internally and has problems that can only be fixed by herself and with the help of counselling. At the same time, I feel it in my bones that she is the one I am supposed to be with. I know this experiment for her will end sometime in the future (but it will take some time before she admits defeat and gives up the illusion she bought hard into). I think that when she returns with her tail between her legs and realizes what she did was wrong and she gave up far too much for a falsehood, she will reach out to me. Thing is, I can't sit around and wait for this, as things can change and nothing is guaranteed. Waiting for something that may not happen just doesn't make any sense for me and I can't be left holding an empty bag if things don't go that way. As much as it hurts because for all the problems she had, she's still the one I want to be with.

 

I'm going back to school for Human Resource Management in September. I'm unemployed right now and waiting for unemployment for wages. I want to find something to do for work in the mean-time but the job market right now is pretty brutal and I'm not getting any interviews or finding any suitable things to do. Hockey season is almost over for me. I'll be going back to the gym. I know fully who I am, I understand the lessons I was supposed to learn in the relationship and I know the ex is on a journey she needs for herself to kind of come to terms with reality and what her problems are. If we are meant to be, then things will align for us, but in the mean-time I don't want to shut myself off to other possibilities.

 

So where do I go from here? It feels like a huge waiting game until September for school to have my career to focus on. The waiting game will also entail whether or not my prediction about the ex will come true (I may never know as I am in NC and I won't look at her social media or her friends) but also if I will meet someone new. Obviously, if I can find someone else I want to be with I would take that in stride over waiting for someone to come back who did break my heart by doing this. I just don't know how to go about it.. I figure in a month's time I will be really ready to move forward but all my friends are in relationships, no wingmen to go out to the bars (don't like that scene anyways), and it seems every quality girl is already in a relationship. So, when I'm really ready to see what's out there (I'm online dating but it's brutal) how do I go about it? How the **** does anyone meet anyone when they're not in University?

 

I hate not having any cards to play.. it's like, just wait and live your life and hope for either the ex to come back or for someone else to come into your life. Being passive isn't me. That's why the ex being moved away is difficult for me as it took all the cards out of my hand, I have no moves to make, there's nothing I can do but have it play out in the Universe while I am here trying to figure out if I did blow it with the one girl I was meant to be with.. and hope that the Universe aligns me with her or someone I haven't met yet who is supposed to be my forever girl.

[Throldur]

Just bumping this to say.. I saw my friends FB status about him moving in with his girlfriend and I kick myself in the ass thinking if I had just moved in with her earlier, when she had wanted to and I wasn't being so rational/logical, went with my heart.. we might still be together.

 

If only I had just done so many things better.. I wouldn't be here and I'd be close to living happily ever after. Instead, I'm broken and hopeless and she's a few provinces away and may never return to me.

 

Hoping Easter is making her homesick and reminding her of me..

[Throldur]

It's been 4 months since the official break-up.

2 months N.C.

1 month since she moved to Ontario with the "OM" (I put quotations because there's no indications they are 'together' other than she's using him for a free place to live but I know nothing in life is free).

 

Inadvertent birdie (I told everyone not to give me updates once I found out she moved away officially) told me that all they see from her are snapchats of her with dogs (2 years with her and all I ever heard was how much she ****ing hates dogs).

 

I was holding on to the kernel of hope that she would go out there. Realize that she made a mistake and come back to me. However, this latest news shows me that she is not doing any maturing out there at all and is falling back into the very trap that I warned her about before I went into full N.C. (when she gave me the kitten we got together).

I told her that she was a beautiful person, with a great heart and a great soul but that she changes herself depending on who she is with because she's scared they won't like her. I told her to put her phone away, get rid of the noise, decide who she is and who she wants to be and be that person. But it's clear she's not. Everyone who knows her had commented on it before I went N.C.

 

I understand that he's a free ride for her and she's probably desperate to fit in to avoid losing her dependence on that while she's out there. However, it's completely ridiculous that if you moved out there for the "opportunity" and how it's "boring here", that all you've managed to do is snapchat pictures of you with dogs. How you're missing things at home. No mention of being excited to be out there. Nothing with this new guy. One month in and that's all you have to show for it? Dogs. Totally worth leaving behind a great boyfriend, a great kitten, your family and life-long friends.

 

All this to say.. I have given up on that last kernel of hope. She's not maturing. She's not learning any lesson. She's just going down the same self-destructive path with no self-love. She's never going to come back to me. She doesn't even know who she is. Even if she does, who will I be getting? She doesn't know who she is, how can I?

 

So, she's not coming back and she's not learning her lessons she needs to mature. I'm not a good looking enough guy and I don't meet new people easily. Seduction is not my art. OLD has been a fruitless nightmare. I'm just going to accept defeat here and accept that I will forever regret not moving in with my girlfriend when she wanted me to. Maybe I could have saved this whole thing, all this misery, all this pain.. I guess I will never know.

[Twigyy]

I am in a similar situation, 3 months post break up, two months NC. But what from what I see, you haven't really given up on her. I can tell because I am past that stage and I know what's happening. I can tell because the whole post is her. Her dogs, her life, her decision, all her. From what I've learnt from my break up, the time I felt better is when I've accepted that I can't think about her anymore. You'll have to realise that you're the important one. You're the one probably crying on the bed every now and then, missing her and everything. And now you're the only one who can meet your needs.

 

She do whatever she wants. If it makes her happy she doesn't care. No one likes to be controlled. Its your life, it's all about you. Do whatever that makes you happy. Put the relationship down. Live your own life. Do whatever that you've wanted to. Maybe things that she doesn't want you to do even. Just make yourself happy

[Throldur]

I am in a similar situation, 3 months post break up, two months NC. But what from what I see, you haven't really given up on her. I can tell because I am past that stage and I know what's happening. I can tell because the whole post is her. Her dogs, her life, her decision, all her. From what I've learnt from my break up, the time I felt better is when I've accepted that I can't think about her anymore. You'll have to realise that you're the important one. You're the one probably crying on the bed every now and then, missing her and everything. And now you're the only one who can meet your needs.

 

She do whatever she wants. If it makes her happy she doesn't care. No one likes to be controlled. Its your life, it's all about you. Do whatever that makes you happy. Put the relationship down. Live your own life. Do whatever that you've wanted to. Maybe things that she doesn't want you to do even. Just make yourself happy

 

I'm quite content with my life.. just a waiting game for my own place/career. I just want someone to share it with, which is what I had.. Sucks starting over when the person you thought you were sharing it with abandoned it all for.. well, nothing, and then you get confirmation that it is even worse than you anticipated it would be.. sucks to be left behind for greener grass and the grass isn't even green, it is bleak..

[Twigyy]

I'm quite content with my life.. just a waiting game for my own place/career. I just want someone to share it with, which is what I had.. Sucks starting over when the person you thought you were sharing it with abandoned it all for.. well, nothing, and then you get confirmation that it is even worse than you anticipated it would be.. sucks to be left behind for greener grass and the grass isn't even green, it is bleak..

 

Waiting is not a good thing to do. You'll just remember the relationship. Do things that keep you excited. Do extra stuff and make yourself closer to your dream job or whatever. Start planning your new place. Draw out how you want your room to look like. Look for the furnitures that you would want. List down the prices.

 

Look, there is soooo much stuff to do. Stop waiting already.

[Throldur]

Waiting is not a good thing to do. You'll just remember the relationship. Do things that keep you excited. Do extra stuff and make yourself closer to your dream job or whatever. Start planning your new place. Draw out how you want your room to look like. Look for the furnitures that you would want. List down the prices.

 

Look, there is soooo much stuff to do. Stop waiting already.

 

Well, my course doesn't start until September and I'm on unemployment until then after I got laid off my previous job.

 

I'm currently helping the family with living room renovations, playing in multiple hockey leagues, and I'll be back in the gym once my season is over.. by waiting, I simply mean, there's no true acceleration in those plans until I get through that course.

 

Planning on taking up Yoga and my buddy wants to go do cooking classes, so I'll probably do that with him as it could help social networking and isn't a bad skill to have for dates (though I am a pretty decent cook as it stands).

[Twigyy]

Well, my course doesn't start until September and I'm on unemployment until then after I got laid off my previous job.

 

I'm currently helping the family with living room renovations, playing in multiple hockey leagues, and I'll be back in the gym once my season is over.. by waiting, I simply mean, there's no true acceleration in those plans until I get through that course.

 

Planning on taking up Yoga and my buddy wants to go do cooking classes, so I'll probably do that with him as it could help social networking and isn't a bad skill to have for dates (though I am a pretty decent cook as it stands).

 

Good to hear. Focus on the positives than the negatives, and your life will be so much better. Maybe take some time off LS, maybe things will change. I started to stop looking at LS when I felt different. Around three weeks without LS, and I'm now back coz I see so much people who needs help.

 

Cheer up. I'm sure your buddy will be there for you too

[Throldur]

Good to hear. Focus on the positives than the negatives, and your life will be so much better. Maybe take some time off LS, maybe things will change. I started to stop looking at LS when I felt different. Around three weeks without LS, and I'm now back coz I see so much people who needs help.

 

Cheer up. I'm sure your buddy will be there for you too

 

I'm going to be taking some time off LS.. just kind of been hanging around here when there's nothing for me to do for the renovations and I'm banished to the basement lol.

 

My buddy is there for me. I am a bit peeved at him though, there were a few things that he kind of pushed me to do with him that made my girlfriend mad.. but in the end, he's been my best friend all my life and my girlfriend has to understand that, too. I'm letting go of that bit of anger toward him though, she had a foot out the door anyways and if it wasn't that, it would have been something else.

[DannyCA]

I'm going to be taking some time off LS.. just kind of been hanging around here when there's nothing for me to do for the renovations and I'm banished to the basement lol.

 

My buddy is there for me. I am a bit peeved at him though, there were a few things that he kind of pushed me to do with him that made my girlfriend mad.. but in the end, he's been my best friend all my life and my girlfriend has to understand that, too. I'm letting go of that bit of anger toward him though, she had a foot out the door anyways and if it wasn't that, it would have been something else.

 

Good for you man. I look forward to hearing an update on your progress if you ever come back.

[Throldur]

Good for you man. I look forward to hearing an update on your progress if you ever come back.

 

I'll pop in probably once a month starting on Monday.. being here is great to vent, people are helpful and there's a few I monitor specifically.. but also I read things here that can set me back sometimes and I also don't want that. So, I'll probably go to staggered updates.

[Twigyy]

I'll pop in probably once a month starting on Monday.. being here is great to vent, people are helpful and there's a few I monitor specifically.. but also I read things here that can set me back sometimes and I also don't want that. So, I'll probably go to staggered updates.

 

Good luck. You WILL be happy again.

[Throldur]

Good luck. You WILL be happy again.

 

Thank you, a really kind psychic that I saw in February (shortly after the break-up) has told me to use positive affirmations each day, we will see if they work.. "I will find the love of my life and I will have her by the end of the year". Going to say it every day.. If the love of my life is my ex returning with a renewed look on life or someone different, I will embrace it..

 

I'm no Taylor Swift fan.. but this "Back to December" song just came onto youtube while I was flipping through covers by Kina Grannis.. the lyrics are exactly something I can imagine my ex going through, funny how some songs come to you out of nowhere.. Maybe she will listen to it one day and it will all click. Especially since a lot of it, almost all of it, correlates perfectly to our situation.

 

Time will tell. I will always circle back to tell you guys. I promise to come back some day with good news of either new love after the break-up or reconciliation.