htx Posted March 30, 2015 Posted March 30, 2015 I broke up with my boyfriend of 6 months in early February, things had been pretty rocky since early December. In a nutshell, he was the first guy I've ever made myself "vulnerable" for. But he was still in contact with his ex, and was still emotionally invested in her, and did nothing to prove I was more important than her. He did protest a bit when I finally cut it off, but I told him it was over and that we couldn't be in contact anymore. I would never in a million years want to get back with him, thinking of all the times he lied and belittled my feelings, blaming every effing thing on his "terrible ADHD." We haven't spoken in over a month and I have no plans to ever speak to him again. But this emotional detachment of his drew me in like crazy. Maybe it's cause he's the one guy who never "fell" for me, and even though I broke up with him, I gave him every chance in the world to make things right, to prove he truly cared about me, and he came up short again and again. The bitterness is still there, I don't wallow or cry about it anymore, not seeing or speaking to him helps immensely. I'm seeing a therapist and a psychiatrist and was recently put on anxiety medication. I've gone out on 4-5 dates with a new guy over the past 3 weeks. He's taller, way cuter, in better shape, has a much better educational background/job/career, better sex, and treats me AMAZINGLY compared to my ex. He's a total sweetheart who is progressive enough to embrace my quirks (ya know, willing to throw me around in the bedroom) and our senses of humor line up perfectly. We've already discussed getting drunk and pretending to be other people out at bars. I love that kind of stuff and I've never dated anyone who WOULD do that, much less loves to do it anyway. He knows about my ex, and he is afraid of getting hurt, because as he says he "tends to fall really fast". We've already decided to be exclusive. Thing is, I WANT a long term bf, I'm 28, I'm not in a rush-rush but I do want to meet the man I will eventually marry soon. The more I see this guy the more I like him. But I've never been fully into guys who were fully into me. I'm working with my therapist, trying to figure out why I am so sexually drawn to men who can't give me emotional intimacy. I desperately don't want to mess things up with my awesome new guy, and we're trying to take things (relatively) slow. He turns me on like crazy in bed, but I don't look at him and just want to rip his clothes off and service him like I did my ex. Thing is, my ex wasn't particularly special, just emotionally withdrawn and manipulative. My friends thought he was rude, ugly (physically) and full of himself. Yes, I'm one of those women who likes *******s, apparently. Anyone ever been in a similar predicament? Have you been able to break out of your patterns and fully embrace an available man who treats you wonderfully? I am so sick of my attraction slipping every time a guy tells me he really likes me. How sick would it be to tell the new guy, "hey, just don't be too lovey dovey, it makes my legs snap together." So messed up. I want to be head over heels with someone who's head over heels for me.
Mrin Posted March 30, 2015 Posted March 30, 2015 That's pretty messed up but you're working on it. I actually dated a woman like you once. She was all over me. Then I talked to a female friend and she suggested that I open up and reciprocate if I wanted the relationship to thrive. I wasn't all that into this lady but thought I could be. So I started paying attention. Sending flowers. Telling her how happy I was to see her. The End. Wasn't a big deal but left me puzzled. Especially since the guy she's dating now is sort of a grade A schmuck. But I get it. Take a look at Leigh 87's thread. Might be able to find some interesting stuff there: https://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/520963-done-players-unavailable
Author htx Posted March 30, 2015 Author Posted March 30, 2015 That's actually a really interesting thread. Thanks.
edgygirl Posted March 30, 2015 Posted March 30, 2015 I agree htx I'm also interested. I think I might have the same tendency of only liking guys who are emotionally withdrawn. Looking forward to the responses.
Strength in Healing Posted March 30, 2015 Posted March 30, 2015 (edited) Well, where to start. First off, you shouldn't have jumped into bed with this guy, as there is absolutely zero percent chance you are fully healed from your last relationship. That intensity that you both seek is poison here. Always born from a void. Neither of you are going to fill each others. Your propensity to seek the guy you want to marry soon will propel and bias your view and decisions. And the fact that he, too, tends to get attached fast, well... there's lyrics for that, it's something along the lines of when a hurricane meets a tornado. You want to have a successful relationship? Break up with this guy and allow yourself time to heal from your ex before you get involved. And from a biological and psychological perspective, it's all kinds of a bad idea to jump into bed when you want to take things slow. That's what Kanye would call cray cray. Edited March 30, 2015 by Strength in Healing
Redhead14 Posted March 31, 2015 Posted March 31, 2015 I broke up with my boyfriend of 6 months in early February, things had been pretty rocky since early December. In a nutshell, he was the first guy I've ever made myself "vulnerable" for. But he was still in contact with his ex, and was still emotionally invested in her, and did nothing to prove I was more important than her. He did protest a bit when I finally cut it off, but I told him it was over and that we couldn't be in contact anymore. I would never in a million years want to get back with him, thinking of all the times he lied and belittled my feelings, blaming every effing thing on his "terrible ADHD." We haven't spoken in over a month and I have no plans to ever speak to him again. But this emotional detachment of his drew me in like crazy. Maybe it's cause he's the one guy who never "fell" for me, and even though I broke up with him, I gave him every chance in the world to make things right, to prove he truly cared about me, and he came up short again and again. The bitterness is still there, I don't wallow or cry about it anymore, not seeing or speaking to him helps immensely. I'm seeing a therapist and a psychiatrist and was recently put on anxiety medication. I've gone out on 4-5 dates with a new guy over the past 3 weeks. He's taller, way cuter, in better shape, has a much better educational background/job/career, better sex, and treats me AMAZINGLY compared to my ex. He's a total sweetheart who is progressive enough to embrace my quirks (ya know, willing to throw me around in the bedroom) and our senses of humor line up perfectly. We've already discussed getting drunk and pretending to be other people out at bars. I love that kind of stuff and I've never dated anyone who WOULD do that, much less loves to do it anyway. He knows about my ex, and he is afraid of getting hurt, because as he says he "tends to fall really fast". We've already decided to be exclusive. Thing is, I WANT a long term bf, I'm 28, I'm not in a rush-rush but I do want to meet the man I will eventually marry soon. The more I see this guy the more I like him. But I've never been fully into guys who were fully into me. I'm working with my therapist, trying to figure out why I am so sexually drawn to men who can't give me emotional intimacy. I desperately don't want to mess things up with my awesome new guy, and we're trying to take things (relatively) slow. He turns me on like crazy in bed, but I don't look at him and just want to rip his clothes off and service him like I did my ex. Thing is, my ex wasn't particularly special, just emotionally withdrawn and manipulative. My friends thought he was rude, ugly (physically) and full of himself. Yes, I'm one of those women who likes *******s, apparently. Anyone ever been in a similar predicament? Have you been able to break out of your patterns and fully embrace an available man who treats you wonderfully? I am so sick of my attraction slipping every time a guy tells me he really likes me. How sick would it be to tell the new guy, "hey, just don't be too lovey dovey, it makes my legs snap together." So messed up. I want to be head over heels with someone who's head over heels for me. Whoa, whoa, whoa. You are recently out of a 6 month relationship, and, now "wrapped up" in a new guy after 3 weeks yet saying you want to take things slowly? You are contradicting yourself. In addition, you've made several references to sexual escapades. To me it sounds like this is going to be a purely sexual relationship. Of course, he's going to really like you and treat you well -- you're turning him on. But I've never been fully into guys who were fully into me. I'm working with my therapist, trying to figure out why I am so sexually drawn to men who can't give me emotional intimacy. But I've never been fully into guys who were fully into me This is another one of those guys who won't give you emotional intimacy. You have no idea at this point whether or not he can or will give you emotional intimacy. because as he says he "tends to fall really fast. He doesn't fall really fast, he says he's fallen for a woman to get her into bed. He likely "blow torches" women. He's a total sweetheart who is progressive enough to embrace my quirks (ya know, willing to throw me around in the bedroom) and our senses of humor line up perfectly. We've already discussed getting drunk and pretending to be other people out at bars. I love that kind of stuff and I've never dated anyone who WOULD do that, much less loves to do it anyway. You doing all this with him after 3 weeks? And, declaring exclusivity. This man is usuing you for sex. Actually, you are allowing yourself to be used. Even if you like this stuff, it's too soon to be doing all this with a man if you truly want a real, lasting, relationship. Back off with this guy. Stop calling him. If he's serious about seeing you and wanting a relationship, let him show you and not by taking you to bed. 1
kendahke Posted March 31, 2015 Posted March 31, 2015 I think that until you've gotten to a place of indifference when it comes to your ex (and you're clearly not there), no relationship you get into is going to be what you want. You're in this one for all the wrong reasons: you don't know if you have what it takes to let go of your ex and move forward with this guy in a way the helps the odds of it succeeding. Right now, 3 weeks in, it's fun sex and playfulness--and yeah, that's cute for now, but it's not a cute look in the long run. Eventually, the relationship is going to require more, emotionally, out of you and right now, you're not in a position to give it. You have a whole lot more work you need to do on yourself before allowing any other men into your life or your body. Sex isn't a contract on delivery of future consideration. If you want to scratch an itch, then understand it is what it is. But great sex isn't a strong enough glue to hold together a relationship that hasn't been allowed to unfold in its own time. Proceed with caution with this guy. This is a rebound and may not work to your advantage.
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