He grew up without a dad

[edgygirl]

So I went on a date with this guy who I like a lot.

 

But there is one part of his personality that I can't quite put my finger on and I think it might be related to him being raised by his mom.

 

He sometimes has feminine mannerism on the way he speaks, (not always, but once in a while) and he moved his hands in an effeminate way twice. He also seems to have been super connected to his mom until she passed away.

 

My gaydar beeped, but I am not sure if it's my imagination.

 

Does anyone have experience with men who grew up without a father figure, and is this a common thing and doesn't necessarily mean he's gay?

 

I am not sure how to go ahead with this as I'm worried about this part. Not so much if he has some attraction to men per se, (I don't mind it that much, I'm open minded), but more that he's ways might get on my nerves.

 

He held and caressed my hands for like 1/2 hour in the end of the date... didn't kiss me though. Ah... not sure what to make of all this. He wasn't to go on another date this week.

 

Are most men with feminine mannerisms gay? Or it could be the lack of paternal figure only?

[Gloria25]

Depends...

 

The only way you're gonna find out is by spending time with him - which is the point of dating - to spend time with someone to figure out if they are a "match" (well, unless they're just looking for "companionship").

 

There was a Sex and the City on this. Charlotte started seeing this guy who was a chef and he was VERY feminine. Well, she even brought the girls and guys to check him out and he wasn't gay and was even great in bed. But, one day he started screaming like a girl when he saw a mouse and that was enough for her to end it.

 

Because I do "masculine" stuff, I try really hard to be feminine 24/7...and I enjoy being a woman - trust me, I love painting nails, doing my hair, etc. So, I try really hard for guys I'm dating/interested in not seeing me when I do masculine things cuz I don't wanna turn them off

[Hawaii51]

You seem to have a firm grasp on the situation. I mean, what can you really do? Find the good and hopefully it outweighs the androgynous.

 

Start taking Tae Kwon Do classes to protect this gentle soul.

[edgygirl]

LOL. you guys are funny.

 

I am not super feminine personality wise, I am more of a Hillary Clinton kind, strong personality... although I dress well and take care of myself.

 

Have to watch the Charlotte episode. Yeah I might have a problem with that as I like manly man. A guy I dated freaked out with some of my hair in the shower, he thought it was a spider or some weird thing and screamed like a girl LOL. Such a turn off.

 

Signing up for the Tae Kwon Do classes tomorrow He's over 6' though lol.

 

You're right, I have to check if the other things outweights the possible androgynous side. I guess we'll never get someone who is perfect all around :/

[minimariah]

Does anyone have experience with men who grew up without a father figure, and is this a common thing and doesn't necessarily mean he's gay?

 

i do and i don't think it's a common thing.

i know around 4 dudes who grew up wihout a father & all of them are quite manly.

 

maybe he's bisex?

[Hawaii51]

I guess we'll never get someone who is perfect all around :/

 

 

 

truer words have never been spoken on this website.

Edited March 30, 2015 by Hawaii51

[edgygirl]

Yeah don't know. Remains to be seen.

 

I got new info that may clarify a bit: he just told me now, that as he's a rational type, that "I was hoping you didn't feel I was cold".

 

Because he's a logic scientist lawyer type, I think he tried hard to be warm... maybe that's why he came up as nice - and therefore gave me a gay vibe.

 

I think that would make sense. He was trying to be warm.

 

i do and i don't think it's a common thing.

i know around 4 dudes who grew up wihout a father & all of them are quite manly.

 

maybe he's bisex?

[thefooloftheyear]

Only my personal experience as an employer of men....Usually the weakest men and least motivated, were usually those who came from divorced households where their mothers coddled them too much...In fact, my main guy right now is a big culprit...What a crybaby...

 

How this affects your situation,? I dunno....If he seems too effeminate, then he probably isnt going to become Mr Rugged...So if it bothers you, then do what you have to do, I suppose...

 

TFY

[darkbloom]

My ex was the exact same way that you describe. And it came from being raised by a woman with no strong male to lead him. People would often call him gay behind his back and make rude comments. He once asked me why peole think he is gay. I told him the truth and he got very upset. I maybe should have phrased it more gently. But he was totally straight.

[gaius]

There's a weird phenomenon with certain guys that got raised by their mothers, where they're pretty obviously gay but they won't come out or admit it to themselves no matter what. Richard Simmons is probably the most glaring example. Maybe not having a male figure, or a mostly absent one messes with their mind to the point they just can't reconcile having an attraction to men,, I dunno, I haven't figured it out. But it's a phenomenon that's definitely there.

 

You don't get feminine mannerisms just from being raised by a woman.

[edgygirl]

Oh he's def not weak or unmotivated. He has 4 degrees, including MBA and Law degrees, one of them from an Ivy League. I never seen someone with so many degrees lol.

 

Now I am thinking he just wanted to come across as warm as he's very rational.

 

Only my personal experience as an employer of men....Usually the weakest men and least motivated, were usually those who came from divorced households where their mothers coddled them too much...In fact, my main guy right now is a big culprit...What a crybaby...

 

How this affects your situation,? I dunno....If he seems too effeminate, then he probably isnt going to become Mr Rugged...So if it bothers you, then do what you have to do, I suppose...

 

TFY

[dreamingoftigers]

One of my husband's friends is as you describe.

 

I thought he was gay actually.

 

My husband wasn't sure, but he knew the guy for a long time and didn't want to know or ask.

 

So, of course I did.

 

He was shocked. He was all like, "what? You thought I was gay? Why?"

 

I told him. He started cursing. "This is why these beautiful, beautiful women talk to me about everything! I get so many cuties and we'll flirt back and forth and I think I am about to close the deal and it just does not happen. They think I am [effing] gay!"

 

He doesn't have an issue with homosexuals or homosexuality. He just isn't.

 

So, um, I told him how to close the deal and he's already been hooking up with chicks. Except he got really stuck on this one and she really hurt him bad. Live and learn. He'll be fine LOL.

[edgygirl]

I can totally see a man not being gay but also not being self aware enough to tell how he comes across. I find it fascinating actually.

 

At work there are always these men who seem totally gay and are married to women. I know part of them must be closeted but maybe another portion is actually hetero. Oh well, time will tell I guess. I am sure if I told him he'd be offended.

 

One of my husband's friends is as you describe.

 

I thought he was gay actually.

 

My husband wasn't sure, but he knew the guy for a long time and didn't want to know or ask.

 

So, of course I did.

 

He was shocked. He was all like, "what? You thought I was gay? Why?"

 

I told him. He started cursing. "This is why these beautiful, beautiful women talk to me about everything! I get so many cuties and we'll flirt back and forth and I think I am about to close the deal and it just does not happen. They think I am [effing] gay!"

 

He doesn't have an issue with homosexuals or homosexuality. He just isn't.

 

So, um, I told him how to close the deal and he's already been hooking up with chicks. Except he got really stuck on this one and she really hurt him bad. Live and learn. He'll be fine LOL.

[GravityMan]

Yeah don't know. Remains to be seen.

 

I got new info that may clarify a bit: he just told me now, that as he's a rational type, that "I was hoping you didn't feel I was cold".

 

Because he's a logic scientist lawyer type, I think he tried hard to be warm... maybe that's why he came up as nice - and therefore gave me a gay vibe.

 

I think that would make sense. He was trying to be warm.

 

Whether he's gay or not, it may be wise to be a bit wary of these "logical scientific" types. Granted, they have a lot of positive things going for them, but on the downside they tend to have a bit more difficulty than the average person when it comes to forming emotional connections with other people. Both in terms of building good friendships and in dating/relationships. Many of them tend to have a bit of a hard time "letting loose"...i.e. just doing things for the hell of it & not caring what others think. They tend to overthink things and aren't all that spontaneous. They can come across as a bit cold or distant or aloof to others. The (overly) logical mindset is not necessarily a good mindset to have when it comes to fulfilling your partner's emotional needs.

 

Hopefully this guy you're seeing is just one of those dudes who may need a little time to warm up to you. However, being "warm" to others should be effortless and come naturally.

 

As for lack of a father figure, I think that has zero correlation with whether a guy is gay or straight. Lack of a father figure generally just translates to utter clueless-ness in how to treat women, or not taking the lead, or lack of self-awareness, or not standing up for himself. In other words, many such guys are likely just spineless, mentally unbalanced, weird and/or naive. Not really gay, though.

[Toodaloo]

I know a few men who are more in touch with their feminine side... They are absolutely not gay...

 

Enjoy his company. See how you get on and go from there.

[edgygirl]

I get what you're saying, but acording to Myers Briggs my extroverted feeling type and his introverted rational type are good for each other. I usually get turned off by guys who are too extroverted and feelingy... I am utterly attracted to rational types, I like their mind and don't mind their awkwardness. I am social enough for both of us

 

It's true that they have a bit difficulty in relationships but we've been talking about his introversion and my extroversion and it's a good thing we can have an open dialogue.

 

In his case, and all rational types, being warm will never be natural, according to Myers Briggs (which I study a lot and believe in), each one of us has difficulty in one area, for them this is one... they have to make effort. As for me, I have to make the effort to be less emotional about things. No one is perfect

 

Whether he's gay or not, it may be wise to be a bit wary of these "logical scientific" types. Granted, they have a lot of positive things going for them, but on the downside they tend to have a bit more difficulty than the average person when it comes to forming emotional connections with other people. Both in terms of building good friendships and in dating/relationships. Many of them tend to have a bit of a hard time "letting loose"...i.e. just doing things for the hell of it & not caring what others think. They tend to overthink things and aren't all that spontaneous. They can come across as a bit cold or distant or aloof to others. The (overly) logical mindset is not necessarily a good mindset to have when it comes to fulfilling your partner's emotional needs.

 

Hopefully this guy you're seeing is just one of those dudes who may need a little time to warm up to you. However, being "warm" to others should be effortless and come naturally.

 

As for lack of a father figure, I think that has zero correlation with whether a guy is gay or straight. Lack of a father figure generally just translates to utter clueless-ness in how to treat women, or not taking the lead, or lack of self-awareness, or not standing up for himself. In other words, many such guys are likely just spineless, mentally unbalanced, weird and/or naive. Not really gay, though.

[Gloria25]

Whether he's gay or not, it may be wise to be a bit wary of these "logical scientific" types. Granted, they have a lot of positive things going for them, but on the downside they tend to have a bit more difficulty than the average person when it comes to forming emotional connections with other people. Both in terms of building good friendships and in dating/relationships. Many of them tend to have a bit of a hard time "letting loose"...i.e. just doing things for the hell of it & not caring what others think. They tend to overthink things and aren't all that spontaneous. They can come across as a bit cold or distant or aloof to others. The (overly) logical mindset is not necessarily a good mindset to have when it comes to fulfilling your partner's emotional needs.

 

Hopefully this guy you're seeing is just one of those dudes who may need a little time to warm up to you. However, being "warm" to others should be effortless and come naturally.

 

As for lack of a father figure, I think that has zero correlation with whether a guy is gay or straight. Lack of a father figure generally just translates to utter clueless-ness in how to treat women, or not taking the lead, or lack of self-awareness, or not standing up for himself. In other words, many such guys are likely just spineless, mentally unbalanced, weird and/or naive. Not really gay, though.

 

Well, again, it goes back into getting to know them...

 

I mean, I think I'm smart and I am somewhat emotionally limited, closed off, dry, stoic, and all that. I mean lots of people have asked me over the years like if 'I ever just kick back and relax?' I mean, they see me as a person with a cork up my butt I guess.

 

But, then there's the other side of me that can get on the dance floor and strut. I mean, at certain balls/events I'd be the one calling everyone to the dance floor, yes "me" "Ms. Shy/Quiet". I also can throw back some beers, jump up and down and in the bedroom people would be surprised at the wild that comes out.

 

So, just cuz some of us are one way in our lives - you gotta get to know us more to see the "whole picture" of us And, yes, that does entail us warming up to you for you to let you see all of us

Edited March 30, 2015 by Gloria25

[Art_Critic]

Gay because he was raised by his Mom.. man, that is harsh...

 

My father died when I was young and he wasn't around much when I was a child and I was raised mostly by my Mom.. I did have male role models like my Uncles and Grandparents however, but I like to think I'm not gay

 

Go with the flow, you said you liked him a lot.. work from there...

[Gloria25]

Gay because he was raised by his Mom.. man, that is harsh...

 

My father died when I was young and he wasn't around much when I was a child and I was raised mostly by my Mom.. I did have male role models like my Uncles and Grandparents however, but I like to think I'm not gay

 

Go with the flow, you said you liked him a lot.. work from there...

 

And that's good....cuz, my fav podcaster - when addressing situations with absent dads, she pushes for the mom to make sure the children have a male influence of some kind (i.e. uncle, grandpa).

 

People downplay the difference in the sexes and don't realize that children, for proper development get something from both the father and mother. They need certain things from their mum and certain things for their dad.

 

I'll use my example of a kid falling down and bumping their knee. Dad goes "get up, it's not that bad" (teaching the kid strength, perseverance)...Mom goes "oooh, lemme kiss your boo-boo" (teaching the kid compassion, caring). Neither mom or dad is bad, they just do their "role" and come together and the kid gets the lesson for the day.

 

Thing is, when a father is absent and the mother assumes both roles (dad and mum), it doesn't always roll over well - especially with boys. My fav podcaster used a study of some elephants where the older males where killed off. Well, the younger boys got very aggressive and the pack of elephants were getting out of control...cuz you needed elder male elephants to keep the younger ones in line....that's just nature - how it goes.

Edited March 30, 2015 by Gloria25

[amaysngrace]

Gay because he was raised by his Mom.. man, that is harsh...

 

Right? Then someone else said mathematical scientific guys are clueless and weird.

 

My son doesn't stand a chance.

[edgygirl]

No -- sorry I don't think I meant that. I was just trying to give the big picture as I didn't get his mannerisms on the date and I thought that might be relevant info.

 

I am also not saying everyone raised by their mother is gay. But some might be? At the same time, anyone can be, I get it. Thought that might have some influence. But what do I know.

 

Gay because he was raised by his Mom.. man, that is harsh...

 

My father died when I was young and he wasn't around much when I was a child and I was raised mostly by my Mom.. I did have male role models like my Uncles and Grandparents however, but I like to think I'm not gay

 

Go with the flow, you said you liked him a lot.. work from there...

[edgygirl]

Gloria, there are all kinds of people in the world... some of us love stoic introverts like you, so don't worry, just find people who like your type I love getting to know introverts.

 

Have you done the Myers Briggs test? It explains so much of life and relationships, but takes time to learn about after you find your type:

 

Personality test based on C. Jung and I. Briggs Myers type theory

 

Well, again, it goes back into getting to know them...

 

I mean, I think I'm smart and I am somewhat emotionally limited, closed off, dry, stoic, and all that. I mean lots of people have asked me over the years like if 'I ever just kick back and relax?' I mean, they see me as a person with a cork up my butt I guess.

 

But, then there's the other side of me that can get on the dance floor and strut. I mean, at certain balls/events I'd be the one calling everyone to the dance floor, yes "me" "Ms. Shy/Quiet". I also can throw back some beers, jump up and down and in the bedroom people would be surprised at the wild that comes out.

 

So, just cuz some of us are one way in our lives - you gotta get to know us more to see the "whole picture" of us And, yes, that does entail us warming up to you for you to let you see all of us

[Gloria25]

Gloria, there are all kinds of people in the world... some of us love stoic introverts like you, so don't worry, just find people who like your type I love getting to know introverts.

 

Have you done the Myers Briggs test? It explains so much of life and relationships, but takes time to learn about after you find your type:

 

Personality test based on C. Jung and I. Briggs Myers type theory

 

I can't recall if I ever did the test, but I don't like tests...I mean, they were construed with either a certain purpose (i.e. influencing how/what they want people to think they are); and, you have to pay attention to certain things they used to develop that test (i.e. population, sample, size).

 

Also, I manipulate my answers to test so I can make others "think" what I want them to think I am

 

I mean, I'm a good example of a square that doesn't necessarily fit into the box...I can be quiet, stoic, conservative - yet wild, sociable, etc. But still, I guess I lean more towards introversion cuz I don't have energy to deal with people all the time. I like my solitude. But, at the same time, I'm not a wet napkin w/o personality.

[loverboy69]

It it helps I'm gay but most people think I'm straight because I'm masculine in the way I carry myself and the way I speak. I did have a very strong fatherly influence. My dad was from the military and there was no mistaking who was the man of the house growing up.

 

Women flirt with me all the time and I always at some point need to set the record straight.

 

Truth is: gay or straight; some men are just a bit more effeminate than others. Some women likewise are a bit more butch than others even while straight.

 

A man without a fatherly or strong male influence may adopt more feminine characteristics because that's what they are exposed to.

 

Bottom line: If you are not attracted to effeminate men then let him go but go easy on the fellow okay?

[loveweary11]

This thread is nuts. lol

 

I was raised by my mom and sister. (and a physically abusive a hole step dad the last few years).

 

I have a Masters in Physics, Minor in CS.

 

Men literally repulse me in every way. So very, very straight without a hint of being gay. I don't even like men as friends. They're weird to talk with (don't know how to communicate on the whole).

 

I have had girlfriends back to back since high school, was married for 12 years. I'm afraid of literally nothing. Murderer breaks into my house? lol He picked the wrong house. Literally, i give zero f%cks and am far crazier than the average axe murderer or whatnot. I build things, wire up electricity, can fix literally anything from plumbing to a car. I sail to extremely remote locations. Right now, I have half a dozen 20-25 year old girls I'm seeing on and off. I'm 40.

 

In what way does being educated and being raised by my mom make me gay again?