can you take a step back or must you always move forward

[unready]

I've been engaged a little over a year. IT was a LDR about 8 months before we got engaged, he lived a couple states away from me at the time. It was about an hour and a half flight or an 8 hour drive.

 

I have a daughter and he has a son.

 

During the course of our relationship I was the one that did most of the travel to his home. He came to mine sometimes too though. He owns a business and works six days a week. Being raised in a family business I understood infant companies require a lot of time/care/work so I would travel to him every other weekend when I didn't have my daughter. We decided around six months that it was time to meet the kids and we talked about me moving to his state.

 

I told him that I wasn't sure I wanted to move in before we were married (I had never moved in with someone before I am 33 years old and was married before I moved him with my previous husband). This complicates things because I was in another state and he wanted a normal relationship which I do understand. He kept wanting me to move.

 

I finally moved, about 4 months ago. I get pregnant almost immediately. I lost the baby about a month and a half ago. I am now in my hometown back at my old house. He is waiting for me to come home. He is angry with me for not being there. I am so stressed out. It has been six weeks since I've seen him last. He never made any wedding plans or even talked about getting married. I don't know, I'm so confused. I feel like he bought the ring just so I'd move in but I'm not sure he ever planned on actually marrying me, but he did not balk at me getting pregnant, either.

 

I am always afraid of making him angry. He's always mad at me. I'm not sure if it's because I deserve it or because he's an angry guy. He doesn't seem to understand that I don't work well being yelled at. Nothing i do is good enough. I love his family and I love him but I can't sort out what's going on anymore. I don't know if its because my hormones aren't right from losing the baby or what but I get anxious so easily now. Like, he is always mad at me! He's mad I'm not there obviously, but I feel like I deserve to be treated well when I'm not there. It's not like we are married yet. Can someone help me sort this out? All my furniture is there I'm in an almost empty house right now. All I really wanted I think was to be married before I moved and I feel like he doesn't appreciate hard hard it was for me to take the steps that I did take moving to another state. His parents are down the street and he felt weird when they moved a mile further but he can't understand what I did when I moved states? I am from a large metro area, this city is small rural city etc. I just feel unappreciated and I've gone through so many changes in the past six months my head is spinning. I do love him, but things aren't going the order that is comfortable for me. Something is making me uncomfortable. I'm not sure I can put my finger on what it is. But he doesn't seem to want to help me figure it out. it seems to me he just wants things his way and doesn't care about how I feel or how comfortable I am. IM upset about the baby. He gave me an ultimatum yesterday pretty much. I have to leave tomorrow. He defended me from Facebook..I don't think he'll talk to me again if I don't leave tomorrow.

 

There's more but I'm not really sure what's relevant.

 

tl:dr -- jumbled mess I can't even sum it up :/

[blackcat777]

To me, the biggest issue sounds like that he's the kind of guy who is angry with you for no reason, not willing to listen to your feelings, not willing to appreciate what you do, and not willing to compromise.

 

I understand you're invested and can't imagine how stressful your situation is, especially after losing a baby... But given how he treats you, would marrying him really be the best thing for you?

 

I've heard many times that the problems you have before marriage become worse after marriage.

 

I would take as much time as you need for yourself to make sure you feel safe, happy, and healthy... and then worry about moving. Or not moving. Don't rush in to changing your life for someone who is giving you such a hard time.

[Pinkdisney]

Wow...first of all, I am very sorry to hear about you losing your baby.

 

Please, for the sake of your daughter, take a step back and see all of the red flags flying here. No one deserves to be treated the way you have been and you do not want your daughter to be subjected to this either. Marriage and getting married is hard enough when everything is going 100% perfectly, but it sounds as if you are compromising all the time just to continue to be treated badly.

[unready]

Thank you for some outside advice.

 

He'd say that he has been the one compromising because I'm not there all the time. He told me that everyone thinks he's crazy for still being with me because I haven't come home in six weeks, when basically I mean we aren't married. I don't know why anyone would expect me to do anything, why do I have to do anything? My family wouldn't expect that out of someone that wasn't married. I wonder if it's just a fundamental difference in values. I don't really think it's fair that I have the expectations of a wife when he hasn't made me his wife. He bought me a ring. That's all he's done. I moved, I got pregnant, stopped being pregnant, I did all the traveling.. I have done everything else. That is how I feel and I still feel like he treats me poorly. I tell him that I think that he says that he doesn't treat me bad and that I just tell myself that and that he doesn't treat me bad. I'll be heading that way and I'll just turn around and go back. I'm not really sure what I'm thinking but it's just like, I don't understand why and part of me thinks I deserve it. I'm so confused. I don't know if I'm having commitment issues? or if these are red flags

[clia]

It seems like you have a huge lack of communication with him. Have you tried to discuss any of these issues with him? If you moved in with him and moved all of your furniture, why did you leave for six weeks? I don't really understand. I also don't like hearing about his anger issues. Are you sure you even want to marry him?

 

Assuming you do, I don't understand why you two aren't discussing your wedding. If he gave you a ring and popped the question, that is the next step. You say that "he never made any wedding plans or even talked about getting married" but did you? Most men aren't really all that interested in making wedding plans and aren't going to take the lead on that type of thing. Pick a date with him and start planning (if you really want to marry him). If he balks about actually getting married, you may have to move out.

 

(I do, however, think you should think very strongly about his anger issues and whether that is how you want to live the rest of your life. It feels like a huge red flag to me.)

[clia]

Thank you for some outside advice.

 

He'd say that he has been the one compromising because I'm not there all the time. He told me that everyone thinks he's crazy for still being with me because I haven't come home in six weeks, when basically I mean we aren't married. I don't know why anyone would expect me to do anything, why do I have to do anything? My family wouldn't expect that out of someone that wasn't married. I wonder if it's just a fundamental difference in values. I don't really think it's fair that I have the expectations of a wife when he hasn't made me his wife. He bought me a ring. That's all he's done. I moved, I got pregnant, stopped being pregnant, I did all the traveling.. I have done everything else. That is how I feel and I still feel like he treats me poorly. I tell him that I think that he says that he doesn't treat me bad and that I just tell myself that and that he doesn't treat me bad. I'll be heading that way and I'll just turn around and go back. I'm not really sure what I'm thinking but it's just like, I don't understand why and part of me thinks I deserve it. I'm so confused. I don't know if I'm having commitment issues? or if these are red flags

 

He's expecting you to act like a wife and live there because you moved in with him and are supposed to be living there. I would be seriously annoyed if my fiancé moved in with me and then left for six weeks to go back to his old place. That's odd behavior.

 

If you think he's treating you poorly, go get all of your things and end the relationship.

[unready]

He's expecting you to act like a wife and live there because you moved in with him and are supposed to be living there. I would be seriously annoyed if my fiancé moved in with me and then left for six weeks to go back to his old place. That's odd behavior.

 

If you think he's treating you poorly, go get all of your things and end the relationship.

 

I completely understand that. It IS odd behavior, so I'm going to explain how I feel so maybe it can make sense.. I'm not his wife and I don't think it's fair for him to expect me to act like one when he hasn't made me one. All he's done is bought me a ring I've done everything else to get him closer to this status of wife. I have to plan the wedding too? I should have never moved in with him then because I've never done anything like this before and I don't know how to act like a wife w/o being one. I've never done this before and it feels like a dumb position to put myself in. That's what he wanted me to do and I did it because I love him but I really wanted to be married first. I don't know how to act, to not go back to my home state (for work occasionally) I'd have to quit my job and look for one there. I feel like the anger thing is what is keeping me in limbo. I feel like I don't know what to do so I do nothing and it makes him more angry with the whole situation...but he says he's angry at me because I'm not there so if I deserve the anger then he's okay so I guess...if I deserve it then I'm the one in the wrong and I don't know if Im in the wrong. I don't know I can't figure out what I think about this. It's like I can't trust my own perception of the situation. I don't trust myself. I don't know if I'm being commitment phobic or if I'm seeing red flags. I feel like it was a lot for me to do and I never felt like he appreciated it. Just expected it.

 

You say you would be seriously annoyed..what does that look like?

[angel.eyes]

I am always afraid of making him angry. He's always mad at me. I'm not sure if it's because I deserve it or because he's an angry guy. He doesn't seem to understand that I don't work well being yelled at. Nothing i do is good enough. I love his family and I love him but I can't sort out what's going on anymore.

 

You're engaged. Feeling constantly annoyed with one's partner is unusual at this point in most relationships. Bottom line: if you're constantly walking on eggshells to try and avoid his anger, the relationship is dysfunctional.

 

Since everything you do angers him and nothing you try is good enough, I would end things rather than hoping for a wedding. Generally, issues like these get worse, not better, after the wedding day. Your unease with his treatment of you is your intuition speaking to you. Listen to it.

Edited March 30, 2015 by angel.eyes

[clia]

I completely understand that. It IS odd behavior, so I'm going to explain how I feel so maybe it can make sense.. I'm not his wife and I don't think it's fair for him to expect me to act like one when he hasn't made me one. All he's done is bought me a ring I've done everything else to get him closer to this status of wife. I have to plan the wedding too? I should have never moved in with him then because I've never done anything like this before and I don't know how to act like a wife w/o being one. I've never done this before and it feels like a dumb position to put myself in. That's what he wanted me to do and I did it because I love him but I really wanted to be married first.

 

So, ultimately you are having second thoughts about moving in with him prior to marriage? Have you discussed all of this with him? It just seems really strange to me because when my husband and I moved in together about three months after we got engaged, and we were planning our wedding and honeymoon and talking about it on a weekly basis. I don't remember who brought it all up and got the ball rolling, but it was simply the next logical step -- pick a date.

 

And yes, if you want a wedding you will likely have to take the lead on doing much of the planning. If you aren't interested in doing that, you two can always go over to the court house and do it there very easily.

 

I don't know how to act, to not go back to my home state (for work occasionally) I'd have to quit my job and look for one there.

 

I don't think there is anything wrong with having to go back occasionally for your job, but six weeks at a time is pushing it.

 

I feel like the anger thing is what is keeping me in limbo. I feel like I don't know what to do so I do nothing and it makes him more angry with the whole situation...but he says he's angry at me because I'm not there so if I deserve the anger then he's okay so I guess...if I deserve it then I'm the one in the wrong and I don't know if Im in the wrong.

 

To be completely honest, it may be a GOOD thing that you moved in with him before you got married because you have now been able to see another side of him that you hadn't seen due to the distance. You can take that knowledge and decide if this is the man you want to marry. You might even consider just getting your own place in his town so you can date normally for awhile to continue to allow you to get to know him better before you commit for life.

 

Had you seen any of this anger from him before you left for six weeks? He also lost a child and then his fiancé ran away for six weeks, so I can see how all of that might be upsetting for him. You don't deserve anger, but you are having second thoughts and that warrants a heart to heart conversation with him.

 

You say you would be seriously annoyed..what does that look like?

 

I'll flip it because my situation was the opposite of yours, although we weren't long distance. My husband moved in to my place a few months after we got engaged. If he stayed a few months and then went back to his old place and didn't see me for six weeks...my reaction would have been WTF? (I'm not clear on what you've actually told your fiance about why you aren't there or if any conversations have gone on.) I'm not really an arguer, so I probably would have ended the relationship. It would be a huge red flag to me that he is a person who runs away when times get tough, rather than standing by me together. You need to be able to communicate your feelings with your spouse.

[unready]

So, ultimately you are having second thoughts about moving in with him prior to marriage? Have you discussed all of this with him? It just seems really strange to me because when my husband and I moved in together about three months after we got engaged, and we were planning our wedding and honeymoon and talking about it on a weekly basis. I don't remember who brought it all up and got the ball rolling, but it was simply the next logical step -- pick a date.

 

And yes, if you want a wedding you will likely have to take the lead on doing much of the planning. If you aren't interested in doing that, you two can always go over to the court house and do it there very easily.

 

 

 

I don't think there is anything wrong with having to go back occasionally for your job, but six weeks at a time is pushing it.

 

 

 

To be completely honest, it may be a GOOD thing that you moved in with him before you got married because you have now been able to see another side of him that you hadn't seen due to the distance. You can take that knowledge and decide if this is the man you want to marry. You might even consider just getting your own place in his town so you can date normally for awhile to continue to allow you to get to know him better before you commit for life.

 

Had you seen any of this anger from him before you left for six weeks? He also lost a child and then his fiancé ran away for six weeks, so I can see how all of that might be upsetting for him. You don't deserve anger, but you are having second thoughts and that warrants a heart to heart conversation with him.

 

 

 

I'll flip it because my situation was the opposite of yours, although we weren't long distance. My husband moved in to my place a few months after we got engaged. If he stayed a few months and then went back to his old place and didn't see me for six weeks...my reaction would have been WTF? (I'm not clear on what you've actually told your fiance about why you aren't there or if any conversations have gone on.) I'm not really an arguer, so I probably would have ended the relationship. It would be a huge red flag to me that he is a person who runs away when times get tough, rather than standing by me together. You need to be able to communicate your feelings with your spouse.

 

That's pretty much word for word what he said. Yeah, I'm not particularly interested in planning a wedding by myself. I'd rather go to the courthouse if that's the way it's going to be. I just want him to want it enough to at least mention it. If he wants to purchase something he spends weeks researching it but hasn't really seem interested in even setting a date, he never mentioned it once after he bought me the ring.

 

I do try to communicate my feelings. I just don't feel heard at all. I guess he's right about me after all. I run when the going gets tough apparently. I've never done that before in the past. I don't really know what is going on with me.

 

Yeah, I saw the anger before. It's just how he is. I don't think he's abusive at least intentionally. I've been in an abusive relationship before, and I think that his anger has me spooked. But I don't think there's a problem if some is angry for an injustice or for a righteous reason. I just can't tell the difference anymore.

[devilish innocent]

I don't understand why you want to marry him or even stay in a relationship with him. If I thought the marriage debate was your only issue, then I'd be offering different advice. However, I get the sense that you really don't even like living with him. The thought of sharing the same house as him again seems as though it's making you uncomfortable. I was in a long distance relationship with my husband before I lived with him. When I moved in with him, it was one of the happiest times of my life. After that, I felt like I could never go back to being apart from him again. Even being away for a day or two was heart wrenching. If I felt I had to move back home for the sake of my moral values, I might have done it, but it would have felt excruciatingly hard to go back to that. I don't see anywhere that you mention how your heart really wants to be back with him. I see you saying that your heart doesn't want to go back to him, then using the marriage debate as your excuse. Maybe you think marrying him would fix the problems and change your feelings? It won't. I really don't believe he's the right guy for you. You need to let him go.

 

I think you might start missing him now because the relationship is ending. Be careful of confusing that with truly wanting him. If you'd really wanted a life with him, you'd have found yourself tempted to move there earlier, not stayed away for six weeks.