My first breakup.. And I still love her so much

[LeftyBigstick18]

I am 21 .. And I am just hitting rock bottom over and over again.

 

I dated this girl for 2 years.. Loved her with everything I had. Shared everything I could with her. Devoted every minute to making sure she was happy. If she didn't have money, I was there with lunch and gas money. If her parents were pissing her off , I was there with a place to stay. Eventually she moved in. I loved her, and treated her beeeeautifully. She was my whole life, and I was consumed by her. She eventually moned back in with her parents early in Feb. to save money for us to get a nice place.. Little did I know

 

I am 21, she is 19. I found out about 5 days ago that she had cheated on me recently while living with her parents, and about 2 months ago, while she was living with me. She lied and told me she loved me, even before I found out, she told me how much she wanted to see me all the time. I was so pissed, I just bugged out that whole night. I sent emails to everyone on her contact list (even family), and pictures of her that shouldn't have been sent, but I was extremly freaking out! Because of that, her parents are sending her back to Kansas.. And really feel horrible. When she told me that, the only thing I could think of was, now I have to save up a little money and get my own place in Kansas.. (that is horrible, I know)

Inevetably, we broke up that night..

 

The first 2 days I called her non-stop, and from all the adivce people had given me to stop calling, Saturday and Sunday I didn't call her.. And lo-a-behold, she called me monday right around noon. And we had a good talk, which probably makes it even harder now. I miss her so much! I love her still, and she was my 1. I am a visable wreck. I used to be the joker of our 'crew' of friends, and always joking.. But now I am just beaten and broken. I have signed up for therapy sessions (because I am just not strong enough to do this alone), and my first session is on Friday but that seems so far away, because there are 24 hours in a day, and every single one of them is filled with thoughts of her, and how awsome we were together.

 

During 'the talk', I asked "why would you do this to me?'' about 200 times. I told her, 'Im sick! You cheated on me and I still don't want to lose you? What is wrong with me?'' . I did everything for her just to see she was happy, and that she wouldn't have a worry in the world She kept telling me she loved me, and still does but wants space. She said, maybe down the line when she grows up a little, we will work it out and anything is possible. She said she knows she ****ed up the greatest thing she has ever had. But this still leaves me wanting to care for her. Am I just emotionally weak? I feel like (and sometimes do) breaking down at home, at work, even out with friends drinking, I can't get my mind off her. Granted its only been 5 days but I just want to see her or talk to her, and I am trying to have no contact with her, but its SOO hard, I just want to pick up the phone all the time. Sometimes I just wanna drive by her work and make 'an apperance' to tell her I miss her, or drop off something she left when she moved out a month ago. The last she talked to me I had called twice in a row, second time she picked up and said 'stop calling me'.. And hung up. That of course hurt, seeing as how she said she still has feelings for me, wants to be friends, yadda yadda.

 

I should never want to talk to her. She cheated on me after all I had done to me. I was wonderful to her, and I am a great guy that did nothing but put up with her problems, her ****, and her lies. I should hate her.. But I can't stop thinking about her. I had a dream last night that I woke up , walked out of my room, and there she was- Sitting no the recliner- . That was a terrible dream to wake up from. It has put my whole day into the pits.

 

Please help me, I am just going insane. Just the thought of her smiling or laughing makes me feel miserable. Besides joining a gym, and signing up for therapy, what else should I do? I can't even go out and party with my friends without talking bout it and gettin myself even more depress..

 

I need a lot of help

~AJ

[LeftyBigstick18]

Oh, the only good thing that has come of this is that I have an extra Dave Matthews Band ticket in july for some KICK ass seats which could make for a great first date if I am even ready to date in July. Thats really the only upswing I see to this ****

[NTB]

it sucks and it hurts but i think if you look around you will find that no contact with her will be a good thing and then just try and see if you can move on

it will get worse before it gets better that is for sure........hell i have been broken up for 3 months now and i feel the same today like i did the first day we broke up

 

 

my gf or i should say my ex is so underneath my skin i swear i can feel her

i miss her so much

[LeftyBigstick18]

Originally posted by NTB

 

my gf or i should say my ex is so underneath my skin i swear i can feel her

i miss her so much

 

You almost didn't help with that.. heh, im just kidding. This sucks.. When did girls become so sleezy? It used to be us, in high school that were in charge.. Now my little 5'foot nothing of an ex-girlfriend has me feeling like the bitch.

[NTB]

You almost didn't help with that..

 

 

 

 

 

sorry about that but today is not one of my better days like i said i miss this girl like crazy.......and i know how you feel the whole time we were together it was all about how i was her man and i made her feel safe and i was in control and now i am so whipped and b!tched that i don't even know how i got to this point

only thing i know is i miss her so much

[LeftyBigstick18]

How the hell does this NC thing work? Cuz right now, its not? Its been about 2 days again since I called her.. Its only making me go crazier, and wonder more what she's doing or who she's with. Never again, I swear to god. Realtionships on the downside are not worth the upside.

[NTB]

no contact is exactly that

no contact what so ever no phone calls no face to face conversatins nothing

and it sucks well it did for me and then there will be those days that you will likely relapse and give in and call her but then you will feel even worse afterwards

just have to take it one day at a time

and just a quick note here i don't know about you but i make for a bad drunk so stay away from the liquor no matter how tempting it is.....one day i woke up and i was on my bathroom floor still wearing my jacket, shoes and hat wondering were i was at....

[sweetiegrrl]

Hey, I don't know if it helps at all but I was in the same position almost a year ago. I was with the boy who did everything for me, and constantly told me he's love me forever for 2.5 years. Then he cheated on me. I still wanted him back, I practically begged him. But we broke up and I was a MESS (the thought of being with another guy made me gag) Anyway, not even 2 months after we broke up I went to a party w/ my friends. I started talking to a guy and gave him my #. He called me a couple days later, asked me out, and since then I haven't looked back. At first, I was like this must be my rebound. Until I met him, I had NO desire to date but when he asked me out, I knew he was so amazing that I would be an idiot to turn him down.

Anyway, now when I look back, I am so ashamed that I begged for my 1st love to come back. Why on Earth would I want to be with anyone who cheated on me?? Now I can see that I just didn't want to be alone. I loved him, I loved my life, and I didn't want it and my future plans to change. Thank GOD he didn't take me back bc now I am sooo happy w/ a guy who doesn't cheat on me.

If someone had told this to me a year ago, I wouldn't have listened and I would have said my situation is different. I am sooo in love with my ex bf. But now I can so so much more clearly. You sound like a great guy and that any girl would be lucky to have you. You deserve so much better than a girl who is cheating on you. Please have faith, you WILL get through this and you will most likely find a girl you are even happier with, trust me!!!

[Euclidean]

Ok...here is my story...it sounds similar to LeftyBigstick18. My girlfriend and I are both 19 and have been together for almost 1 year as of the 16 of this month...We have not talked in over 5 days and I have not seen her in about 2 weeks. We loved each other sooo much. Last summer was the best summer I have ever had. We did everything together, I did everything for her. We both are now going to college and what sucks is that we are at different schools...about 4 hrs apart. We saw each other every weekend and talked all the time...recently she said that she wanted to think about taking a break....then it was she had no idea what she wanted....now she still has know idea what she wants and all she wants to do is have some space....I let her do what she wants, im not a controling person. Everyone that knows her says she is a very loyal person and that she would never cheat on anyone...but all this really started when it started getting close to our 1 year aniversary. Does anyone know if it is just her getting scared or do you think she might be cheating on me...I still love her and like sweetiegrrl said...I love her, "I loved my life, and I didn't want it and my future plans to change." Im scared to be alone...and im feeling like s#*t.

 

I really dont know if she is cheating on me or not...I dont think she is. I am sorry about LeftyBigstick18's problem...I feel ya, my friend is going through the same thing except he was with his ex for 4.5 years......He took it hard too...exspeacially since it was around christmas time. Its been about 4 months now and he is doing a lot better...the thing that helped him was he moved to diff house, and got rid of a lot of things that they had gotten together...the less things to remind ya the better off you will be I believe.

 

There is hope though....Nice guys do finish first !!!

[NTB]

E the only way to know is to just ask her i mean even if she is and lies you will know everybody always knows when someone is cheating on them and it might just be that you guys are in college now and for some not all but for some all they want to do is cut loose and go wild maybe she might be thinking of that but really just be up front and talk to her a lay the cards on the table and see what happens and what she has to say just let her know that no matter what she can talk to you about what she is feeling

[LeftyBigstick18]

funny twist on my situation.. at work tonight a guy asked one of the girls i worked with 'is he seeing anybody' ... whoo, thats not exactly something I am willing to deal with right now. Haha, can't keep my girlfriend and now got a dude hitting on me.. Can life get any better?

[LeftyBigstick18]

Goddamit.. I think I am making progress , trying to forget her.. Than I have one of those oh so realistic dreams, and it goes and screw up my whole day from the second I wake up..

 

I had a dream that I woke up, and walked out of my bedroom and she was just sitting there on the couch watching TV like she always used to be. This is just getting harder. I am dying , I want to call her! I want to kill myself too

[chicothechimp]

it has been said here many times before (on these boards) but I will say it again

 

NO CONTACT does not mean 'I will make you miss me and come back to me'... it means NO CONTACT - SO I CAN GET ON WITH MY LIFE WITHOUT YOU CONSTANTLY REMINDING ME OF 'WHAT WAS' and 'WHAT ISN'T ANYMORE'

 

yes, you care about her... but she cheated on you... for our own dignity and self-respect LET HER GO... insanely hard to do, but thigs evenually get better... just stay away from drugs and booze (*they will only keep you from working through the $hit in your head and heart that needs to be worked through)...

 

things might change down the road in a year or two... but what you need now is change... distance... and a new lease on life...

 

 

 

Chico

[NTB]

lefty keep your head up man i know how you are feeling i had the worse day yesterday but we gotta keep our heads above water.......the dreams, seeing her in the street all that will come will at least it did for me and still does but gotta stay strong no killing one self none of that kind of talk just have to take baby steps

hang in there

[Fallen_Angel]

Chico is 100% right. (And thank you for making that so abundantly clear!! I'm not being sarcastic, either!)

 

I'm having a tough time with no contact, but I remind myself that this is for the best. As hard as it is not to talk to my ex, I get even more upset whenever I DO talk to him.

 

This was my first "serious" relationship, so technically it's my first serious, meaningful breakup. So I totally understand what you mean by going insane. Sure, people around me have gone through breakups, but I never thought it was THIS hard. But the thing is...those people have gotten through it, so theoretically I will too.

 

You have to take things one day at a time. Rejoice over the little victories. I smile and pat myself on the back whenever I resist the urge to call my ex. So far I've resisted dozens of urges and only given in twice. Today I looked in the mirror and said, "Wow, my @$$ looks nice in these jeans." Little things do help.

 

Some days will be better than others. You're going to have setbacks - it's inevitable.

[LeftyBigstick18]

Yeah.. Had a setback last night. I called and left an Eminem style message

'You are a dirty little ghetto bitch. Tellin people we hadn't gotten back together but than tell them your ****ing other people. You dirty little ****, what the ****?"

 

Than I brought some girl home, and wailed away. Haha, it was good while it was goin , but right after all i wanted to do was call my ex and kinda be like 'Look what I did' , like a 3 year old. It was revenge sex I guess, no emotions were fulfilled..

 

And I went to a therapy session today. They just wanted to get a feel for what was going on, said I have great coping skills and a good support network, and that I will no doubt get over it, the only question is when.

 

~aJ

 

AND I HATE BITCHES

[NTB]

dude

 

that sucks........but it was a temp moment of insanity just stay away from leaving those kinds of messages she is gonna start saying your a stalker or physco type thing..........so the sex didn't help and your still in the same boat you were in before....... it is just going to take time and you can't speed time up you just have to deal with it........stay strong it will get a bit easier

[LeftyBigstick18]

RELAPSE!! HUUUUUGE RELAPSE!! Me and her actually met and talked, and she said she wanted to sleep over tuesday.. and I couldn't say no, and we were all talking great and I was being the ****in pushover that I am.. and than when she goes to leave, I see her head in the direction of the kids house who she cheated on me with.. AND I LOST IT! LOOOOOST IT! I went and bought Xanax, and called her and she said it was only to smoke.. and that she'll call me in 30 min. and its already been almost an hour, and IM LOSSSSSSSSSSSING IT!

[LeftyBigstick18]

i am so xanied up.. im not even thinking about it now

[NTB]

man i think you need a support system

your setting yourself up for a major fall.......you need to start NC now and just do it

[Dorkette]

I agree with NTB Lefty.

 

Don't let her play with your emotions!

[LeftyBigstick18]

I just need a little help here.. Its been a few weeks since the breakup, we've hung out once (had sex) and than had a few huge blow up fights over the phone.. So now, I guess we hate each other. I know I no longer want her back (I have a crush on this girl from work, who is just awsome!) But anyway, sometimes I slip into this feeling of despair and depression, like it doesn't matter I exist at all.. And alot of this is stemming from a dream I had about 4 days ago about my ex.. it was so real, and such a deep dream that it has had me emotionally/mentally just feeling empty ...

 

The dream was this...

My girl and I were making love, all passionate and loverly.. really into it like we always did, than - for lack of a better term - I guess we both 'finished' at the same time. And I just stayed there, looking down at her- and she reaches up with both hands, lightly grabbing my face and softly saying "Its OK Baby, I dream about you too" ..

 

AND I SHOT UP OUT OF A DEAD SLEEP.. Completly freaked out, looking around, because I thought the dream was real. And since that night, I can't sleep, and I am back to being depressed - even though I don't want her back.. I don't know what to do.

 

IS that not a ****ed up dream?

[LeftyBigstick18]

Are you KIDDIN ME!?

 

She called my cell phone, and left a message while I was at work. I checked the message after work .. She said

 

"Its me, I'm thinking of you. Call me'' ...

 

WHAT THE ****!? What is wrong with you girls .. Ya cause a man to almost lose his mind, hate himself, and feel miserable.. And think we will Yo-Yo back like a dumbass? She has balls calling me and saying that after all the **** she's done.

 

I text messg'ed her back..

 

"What we had was jealousy and a bunch of lying. I work with alot of girls, and been hanging out with alot of friends, and have been getting over us ok. I was good to you.. You lied &, literally, [screwed] that all away. Its too bad, too, because I am moving into my own place now. I can't waste anymore time on someone that didn't want me''.

[Jadey]

Haha i think i love you ^

[cutygirl]

Remember this is your first serious relationship and your first break up, of course it sucks like hell. I understand your feeling because I have experiencing that for the last 9 months. Here's the story:

 

We were bf & gf for 2 years, he cheated on me and found somebody else. I called him couple times in the following few days, asking him all the questions: "Why you do this to me?" "How could you do that?" "Who is she?"....etc. I begged him to come back to my life, saying that i would forgive him. I said then we could be friends even not bf and gf, he said maybe we shouldn't have contact for at least 2 weeks, and i said ok, give us about 1 month, then we would contact each other again. Then i waited, waited and waited..... to see if i could really let go of him and treat him as a real friend, and i couldn't, i still missed him, i had never contacted him again............. 9 months had passed, one day, i got his emails, he sent me his family's pictures, he wanna see how i was doing......... i thought we might be able to get back together....... but he was still with his new gf. My wound had been healing for the past months, but then it got ripped out again! I knew that was the end, that was the end.... there is no point to think or miss about him, you gotta move on.

 

Be strong, i'm trying to get back my life too. There 's nothing much u can do, let go, let go.

 

Take care