ADHD, Dyslexia and PTSD How to Deal with Someone Like This When Dating?

[sunshinesunshine]

For the past 2 months, I have been seeing this guy, he lives 45 minutes away but does drive, going to college to earn his degree in Psychology, has a job and has his own place. Over these past 2 months him and I have gone out on 6 dates, varying from different events, really enjoying each other's company too.

 

During our time together we have also discussed a lot of things from us becoming Boyfriend/Girlfriend, to past relationships dealing with our Ex's to the future like kids, marriage, sex, sexual experiences etc. But here's the issue, this guy experienced a little kid drowning in a pool while he was at someone's house, so that caused him to get PTSD - Post traumatic stress disorder, he then told me he suffers from ADHD - Attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder as well as Dyslexia where it's hard for him to express himself through writing, like texting or other forms of writing up words in the proper way.

 

Out of all of this I have been there for him and have accepted him and want us to continue dating and communicating with one another and see where it goes from this point onward. But again these 3 things causes him to act up, like his PTSD has him have these episodes of breakdowns where he doesn't feel like himself. Like he texted me just last night and told me this "John (cries) then says: "This is me sounding like a little ***** again. I am just enjoying our time together because I'm not cool enough about it. I don't deserve anything better that's why I know you're never going to want to be my girlfriend, I give up".

 

Before he had said that, our previous conversation began with him asking me

 

"For 10 white 10 things you don't like and 10 things you do like about me"

 

I had given him my lists.

 

Then he says "Conern"

 

Then he says "Any sexual videos or picks with exes to be aware of so no surprise"

 

I gave my response he then says "Because because I'm like everyone else only your exes are that special I just don't even care about doing anything sexual for a long time but it's true always the jerks nice guys always assume to be *******s that's something that bothers me not because the sexual stuff but because you would trust them and assume that I'm just like them"

 

He then says "Just a fantasy"

 

I had asked him what he meant by that and he says "To be desired the way your ex R or better but now I'm always guy who's where you can I wish I was Raymond drugs as those bad boys every girl I have room in my heart for ditched me I wish I could gt you to love me like I was e"

 

"I know now you never want to be my girlfriend I understand"

 

"I know I know I blew it now"

 

"Can we talk"

 

He did have a previous epioside like this one where this similar thing happened and now this one happened. I just don't know what to do or how to help him. What would you do in this situation? Have any of you dealt with this sort of thing before? Please help!

[Gaeta]

I would not date a man that collects syndromes. You cannot help him or change him. If you want to spend most your time trying to figure him out, and figure his next syndrome, sure he's your man. I read a lot of passive aggressiveness from him on there. Personally I can't stand that.

[sunshinesunshine]

What does passive aggressive mean?

[ExpatInItaly]

Has he been properly diagnosed, and is he currently receiving some type of treatment or care for these conditions? I ask because while some people truly suffer from these disorders, and they do indeed present real challenges, others label themselves as "damaged" in some way to excuse behaviour that would otherwise be considered unacceptable.

 

His messages are odd and strike me as a bit incoherent. I can't follow his line of thinking. And his statements about you not wanting to be his girlfriend should be raising a red flag for you. Whatever he suffers from, there's something off here.

[Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646]

I would not date a man that collects syndromes. You cannot help him or change him. If you want to spend most your time trying to figure him out, and figure his next syndrome, sure he's your man. I read a lot of passive aggressiveness from him on there. Personally I can't stand that.

 

Yeah **** I have ADHD technically but I've never taken anything for it except when I was a kid. Not sure why he's bringing that to light....

[sunshinesunshine]

Has he been properly diagnosed, and is he currently receiving some type of treatment or care for these conditions? I ask because while some people truly suffer from these disorders, and they do indeed present real challenges, others label themselves as "damaged" in some way to excuse behaviour that would otherwise be considered unacceptable.

 

His messages are odd and strike me as a bit incoherent. I can't follow his line of thinking. And his statements about you not wanting to be his girlfriend should be raising a red flag for you. Whatever he suffers from, there's something off here.

 

How can he saying that I don't want to be his girlfriend be a red flag? To me he's saying that because he has doubts.

[Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646]

OP you can't date someone until they are well enough to be by themself. This guy sounds like he isn't very well together, and with all his mental problems, he may never be on the same wavelength as a mentally normal person. It's not up to you to fix/understand him - go date someone who is more together, it'll save you a lot of trouble and potential disappointment!

[wb1988]

Yeah **** I have ADHD technically but I've never taken anything for it except when I was a kid. Not sure why he's bringing that to light....

 

People love giving excuses (especially when it's been 'diagnosed') to explain unexplainable behaviour.

 

ADHD, PTSD and etc are all still to this day unproven to physically exist in the brain.

[ExpatInItaly]

How can he saying that I don't want to be his girlfriend be a red flag? To me he's saying that because he has doubts.

 

It's a red flag because it's passive-aggressive and smells manipulative to me.

 

In my experience, guys who say things like this (in a non-joking manner) are either: A) seriously insecure, which will become a problem later, B) tacitly giving themselves permission to screw around because you supposedly didn't want to be their girlfriend anyway, or C) a combination of both.

 

A secure guy wouldn't say something like that unless he were kidding. I don't mean this in a snarky way OP, but do you have much dating experience? How old are you?

[Auspecial]

I think you should stop texting each other, and only communicate in person. If he has problems writing/reading, how in the world will you ever be able to decipher each others thoughts?

[sunshinesunshine]

Well this guy was with someone before me, he was with her for 6 years, and was dealing with these same issues, and again they lasted for that time length so he was doing something right with being able to mange with these issues.

 

But that ex of 6 years did cheat on him.

[Gaeta]

Well this guy was with someone before me, he was with her for 6 years, and was dealing with these same issues, and again they lasted for that time length so he was doing something right with being able to mange with these issues.

 

But that ex of 6 years did cheat on him.

 

No sweetie, people stay in bad relationships all the time, for 10-20-30 years. If she cheated on him they did not have a good relationship

[Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646]

People love giving excuses (especially when it's been 'diagnosed') to explain unexplainable behaviour.

 

ADHD, PTSD and etc are all still to this day unproven to physically exist in the brain.

 

I always thought ADHD was bull****. Just teachers and parents who don't want to deal with overactive kids, so they feed them amphetamines which **** up the kids personality.

 

But yeah they diagnose based on behavior, which in my opinion can be very subjective...

[Dork Vader]

Okay passive aggressive would be something a long the lines of Being aggressive then following it with a passive action or statement. or vice versa.

 

An extreme example "guy punches you" then says he's sorry.

Passive aggressive person says "I don't want to listen to that. No it's fine really it's okay I don't mind listening to it." or you respond with What would you like to listen too? their response would be "I don't know" or very passive.

 

You do not want a relationship with a person who is passive, aggressive, or passive aggressive. You want a relationship with someone that is assertive.

 

This guy has a lot of baggage he needs to deal with before he attempts too date. You can not fix him and you can't help him through it. I would only remotely consider dating someone in his position IF they were in treatment and very serious about the treatment.

 

I'm OCD and ADHD. I'm also an alcoholic in recovery. Long story short I was trying to date while drinking and not dealing with the OCD/ADHD properly. Everything came together into a perfect storm in August and it sent me to rehab (by choice). I dated PLENTY of women who wanted to help me and tried too, but there was no helping me as I was not ready for it yet. I will always be OCD, ADHD and an alcoholic in recovery and I'll always tell potential partners about it. But I do not have episodes like he is having right now. I take medications and I have things stable. He needs to get there before you consider dating him.

[Dork Vader]

I always thought ADHD was bull****. Just teachers and parents who don't want to deal with overactive kids, so they feed them amphetamines which **** up the kids personality.

 

But yeah they diagnose based on behavior, which in my opinion can be very subjective...

 

And you're basing this opinion on what? I'm Diagnosed ADHD and have taken numerous test with Learning and Speech Pathologist that show it. I've also done neuro feedback programs which show my brains activity and clearly show areas of my brain that are extremely over active. One of the neuro feedback programs I did, the operator told me I had one of the most active minds he has ever seen.

 

I'm actually extremely well behaved and was extremely quite in school. Caffeine and other uppers work in the opposite fashion in which they calm me down. The problem is that I have a difficult time concentrating on ONE thing. If I'm reading a book my mind will run. Have you ever seen the movie The Secret Life of Walter Mitty? In that movie the main character kind of zones out and goes into a fantasy land. Well with the ADHD I do a similar thing except it's not always running off into a fantasy land. I just become preoccupied with other thoughts or things.

 

You really should keep your mouth shut on topics you have no understanding of. Your statements are offensive. You would not tell a diabetic he just doesn't eat healthy? You would not tell a person with ALS that they are just being Lazy and don't want to walk? You would not tell a person with the flu that they are just being weak and can't hold back the vomit? So why in gods name would you say ADHD is just bad parenting and bad behavior?! You might also be interested to know that Einstein, Tesla, Edison, Churchill, Da Vinci, Newton and numerous other pillars of modern society all had ADD, ADHD or some other form of a learning disability.

 

I had a 5th grade teacher who thought like you did. It was by far the worst experience of my life. The teacher was actually fired for the way she treated me and the school was nearly sued over it.

 

So please take your ignorance and misinformed opinion else where.

[scorpiogirl]

I dated someone with ptsd ( more than one actually). Relationships are already hard but when you add these other factors, it definitely has the potential to be more than a struggle.

 

Even if the person is getting the correct medical and/ or psychological attention, your needs might not always come first.

 

I was left by the same person twice because he'd rather run away than deal with his issues.

It's not going to be easy and you may want to re-think the relationship. It can be exhausting.

[Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646]

And you're basing this opinion on what? I'm Diagnosed ADHD and have taken numerous test with Learning and Speech Pathologist that show it. I've also done neuro feedback programs which show my brains activity and clearly show areas of my brain that are extremely over active. One of the neuro feedback programs I did, the operator told me I had one of the most active minds he has ever seen.

 

I'm actually extremely well behaved and was extremely quite in school. Caffeine and other uppers work in the opposite fashion in which they calm me down. The problem is that I have a difficult time concentrating on ONE thing. If I'm reading a book my mind will run. Have you ever seen the movie The Secret Life of Walter Mitty? In that movie the main character kind of zones out and goes into a fantasy land. Well with the ADHD I do a similar thing except it's not always running off into a fantasy land. I just become preoccupied with other thoughts or things.

 

You really should keep your mouth shut on topics you have no understanding of. Your statements are offensive. You would not tell a diabetic he just doesn't eat healthy? You would not tell a person with ALS that they are just being Lazy and don't want to walk? You would not tell a person with the flu that they are just being weak and can't hold back the vomit? So why in gods name would you say ADHD is just bad parenting and bad behavior?! You might also be interested to know that Einstein, Tesla, Edison, Churchill, Da Vinci, Newton and numerous other pillars of modern society all had ADD, ADHD or some other form of a learning disability.

 

I had a 5th grade teacher who thought like you did. It was by far the worst experience of my life. The teacher was actually fired for the way she treated me and the school was nearly sued over it.

 

So please take your ignorance and misinformed opinion else where.

 

Sorry but having been diagnosed with it, I think I have the right to talk. I haven't had to medicate for it since freshman year of Highschool, and I've been able to focus and I'm the opposite of "hyper". Giving kids amphetamines isn't a solution.

 

Maybe you're a special case, but in my experience and from what a lot of others report, it probably gets misdiagnosed a ****load. Just like a lot of other mental disorders that get diagnosed mostly on behavior.

 

I haven't told anyone that I have ADHD in years, and unlike PTSD or Depression, I don't see why it needs to be brought up in a relationship.

Edited March 30, 2015 by barcode88

[Gaeta]

Dork Vader: Don't get offended, nowadays schools label children left and right with ADHD just to medicate them and keep them quiet in the back of the class when all they need is to go outside and burn that extra energy. Most these children will overgrow their ADHD if ADHD it was to begin with.

 

Another phenomenon are people self-diagnosing themselves with disorders We see it on here often. The person says 'I have a bit of a ADHD', then we ask if they have been officially diagnosed and they reply: no but I know I have it because I forget my keys all the time (like really).

 

Then you have those who do suffers from these disorders, have been diagnosed, but won't do anything about it. They go through life hurting themselves and others and use their disorder as an excuse to justify their crappy behavior.

 

Then we have people like you who are on top of their condition, understand it and control it.

 

The exercise here is to understand what OP is dealing with.

[Redhead14]

For the past 2 months, I have been seeing this guy, he lives 45 minutes away but does drive, going to college to earn his degree in Psychology, has a job and has his own place. Over these past 2 months him and I have gone out on 6 dates, varying from different events, really enjoying each other's company too.

 

During our time together we have also discussed a lot of things from us becoming Boyfriend/Girlfriend, to past relationships dealing with our Ex's to the future like kids, marriage, sex, sexual experiences etc. But here's the issue, this guy experienced a little kid drowning in a pool while he was at someone's house, so that caused him to get PTSD - Post traumatic stress disorder, he then told me he suffers from ADHD - Attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder as well as Dyslexia where it's hard for him to express himself through writing, like texting or other forms of writing up words in the proper way.

 

Out of all of this I have been there for him and have accepted him and want us to continue dating and communicating with one another and see where it goes from this point onward. But again these 3 things causes him to act up, like his PTSD has him have these episodes of breakdowns where he doesn't feel like himself. Like he texted me just last night and told me this "John (cries) then says: "This is me sounding like a little ***** again. I am just enjoying our time together because I'm not cool enough about it. I don't deserve anything better that's why I know you're never going to want to be my girlfriend, I give up".

 

Before he had said that, our previous conversation began with him asking me

 

"For 10 white 10 things you don't like and 10 things you do like about me"

 

I had given him my lists.

 

Then he says "Conern"

 

Then he says "Any sexual videos or picks with exes to be aware of so no surprise"

 

I gave my response he then says "Because because I'm like everyone else only your exes are that special I just don't even care about doing anything sexual for a long time but it's true always the jerks nice guys always assume to be *******s that's something that bothers me not because the sexual stuff but because you would trust them and assume that I'm just like them"

 

He then says "Just a fantasy"

 

I had asked him what he meant by that and he says "To be desired the way your ex R or better but now I'm always guy who's where you can I wish I was Raymond drugs as those bad boys every girl I have room in my heart for ditched me I wish I could gt you to love me like I was e"

 

"I know now you never want to be my girlfriend I understand"

 

"I know I know I blew it now"

 

"Can we talk"

 

He did have a previous epioside like this one where this similar thing happened and now this one happened. I just don't know what to do or how to help him. What would you do in this situation? Have any of you dealt with this sort of thing before? Please help!

 

The PTSD is the main concern here. In order for you to have a relationship with this man, you would need extreme patience and professional counseling in order to truly understand the disorder and cope with it. It would be a very difficult relationship.

 

One thing you mentioned above implies that there is a co-morbid, dissociative disorder here as well. PTSD is in the dissociative disorder category, however, reverting to a child-like state, indicates a further issue.

 

I would not recommend going further with this man. It would be extremely challenging and likely cause you great distress. Tell him you are moving on because you two aren't a good match. Do not mention his illnesses and go no contact.

[sunshinesunshine]

The PTSD is the main concern here. In order for you to have a relationship with this man, you would need extreme patience and professional counseling in order to truly understand the disorder and cope with it. It would be a very difficult relationship.

 

One thing you mentioned above implies that there is a co-morbid, dissociative disorder here as well. PTSD is in the dissociative disorder category, however, reverting to a child-like state, indicates a further issue.

 

I would not recommend going further with this man. It would be extremely challenging and likely cause you great distress. Tell him you are moving on because you two aren't a good match. Do not mention his illnesses and go no contact.

 

But I do think him and I are a good match and I have been putting up with him and these issues for the past 2 months now almost 3 months and lately he's been doing fine. So I think it can work just need to be patient as you said.

[ExpatInItaly]

But I do think him and I are a good match and I have been putting up with him and these issues for the past 2 months now almost 3 months and lately he's been doing fine. So I think it can work just need to be patient as you said.

 

Tread cautiously. I asked before, but don't think you answered: Has he been formally diagnosed? What type of care is he receiving?

[preraph]

Look, his biggest problem isn't PTSD or Dyslexia or ADHD. His biggest problem is horrible self-esteem and possibly self-loathing. So there's more he's not telling you. In fact, it's even possible he's calling it these other things and avoiding whatever his actual diagnosis is, IF he's ever gotten one.

[sunshinesunshine]

Tread cautiously. I asked before, but don't think you answered: Has he been formally diagnosed? What type of care is he receiving?

 

Yes he has been diagnosed he's dealt with these problems since he was a kid by the doctor. He's seen therapist and to this day takes medication as well.

[loveweary11]

Don't do it.

 

You're seeing the good inside there somewhere, hoping that with you, he'll get better... right?

 

I lost 12 years of my life falling for the same mental illness trap only to have it all blow up at the end after putting my soul into helping and putting up with it.

 

If you value your happiness and positive outlook on life, you'll avoid the mistake i made.

 

Run

[Gary S]

I really hate to say this, but some people with mental problems are not a good catch.

 

Just because they are beautiful and breathing does not mean they are good relationship material.